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Staying True to Myself = being quite the hermit, is this okay?

(18 Posts)
Tenpenny Tue 14-Mar-17 15:51:30

Feeling like a loser, even though I'm a capable adult woman!
Split from husband last year and have a young dd. After years of falling in with H and his dysfunctional family I decided at this point in my life I had to be selfish for once and only live a life I am absolutely happy with. H was emotionally abusive, his family the same towards each other, and I left with barely any self esteem or sense of self.
After months of circumspection it dawned on me that I had basically copied my parents relationship where my df is very subtly abusive to my mother. She has in turn taken her temper out on me and been extremely critical/sometimes cruel over the years.
Anyway im finding out who I am and have discovered I am very introverted and can enjoy my own company very well. I have only one person in my life I can call a friend, everyone else is an acquaintance. People seem to like me but they know I'm quiet and private, and this is fine. I don't do nights out or drink anymore.
Yesterday evening my mother visited and said I seemed quite pathetic and sad for not arranging days out with anyone on my time off work, aside from with dd confused she knows the way I am so I have no idea why she says these things.
She is actually very lonely herself due to my domineering father, but that's a whole other story!
Anyway I ended up feeling like a total loser and wished she hasn't turned up, she is such a downer - but has a knack of making me believe I'M the downer!!

My point is, if I'm okay keeping myself to myself while I put my own life back together, I shouldn't feel guilty for not "putting myself out there" enough, should I? I would adore new friends I could really gel with and a new relationship, but I don't feel the need to chase after these things quite yet.

jeaux90 Tue 14-Mar-17 16:01:42

No you crack on. Honestly being comfortable and happy on your own is something that lots of people can't do so actually you should be proud of yourself.

I hunkered down for about 4 years after leaving my abusive ex. Had a few nights out here and there but being on my own a lot was the right answer for a while


Tenpenny Tue 14-Mar-17 16:06:02

.....just to add, I do find it very difficult to admit to people that i can spend almost an entire weekend doing very little and seeing no one. I don't know why, but I'm just comfortable with that at this point in my life. I do get moments of loneliness, but they pass. I remember only too well the pain of loneliness in my marriage, which was 100x worse.

WatchMeSoar Tue 14-Mar-17 16:06:07

You don't sound like a loser to me.
It sounds like you are in a healthy place at the mo, taking time for yourself is not selfish.
You're mum is treating you the way she always has, maybe work on that when you're ready
Good luck, you're doing great!

Tenpenny Tue 14-Mar-17 16:12:05

Didn't see your reply there jeaux90

Thanks for the reassurance! I do feel friendship starved but I haven't had a real connection with anyone for so many years now, I cut myself off the note my self confidence went downhill.

neighbourhoodwitch Tue 14-Mar-17 16:13:03

You are just being your beautiful self. Some people will never understand.

Tenpenny Tue 14-Mar-17 16:16:55

*the more

Hello WatchMeSoar, thanks smile ah its a huge relief just reading these couple of replies.
Yes dm does seem to project her own issues and fears onto me. For now I think I'll keep my distance.

Tenpenny Tue 14-Mar-17 16:20:53

Oh bless you neighbourhood. Its been eye opening just how judgemental people can be

LivelyLima Tue 14-Mar-17 16:25:25

You are just being your beautiful self. Some people will never understand

^ poetic truth

Being "sociable" in my experience often means putting up with some poor behaviour, and boring people grin. There was a thread on here the other day asking for perspectives on a friendship (thread now deleted). Someone made the point that having friends - and I would add family - who are disrespectful in your life has a drip-drip effect on your self-respect. When they are gone, or LC, you start to feel a great freedom! Even if it means being alone alot. I think then its easier to cultivate a life (with or without friendships) that is much more true to yourself, as you say.

Aderyn2016 Tue 14-Mar-17 16:26:48

I think it is perfectly fine to choose what makes you happy and to do it, to take the time to get to know yourself and to recover. Being at ease in your own company is important.
I would just add though, that if you want to gel with people and have lasting friendships then you do have to get back out there at some point. By all means take your time but don't let it be so long that going out in the world becomes too hard.

Tenpenny Tue 14-Mar-17 16:50:19

Lively yes, my experience also. Its so insidious, isn't it. Its why I'm very strict with who I give my time to now. I wondered if my standards were too high but realised I just wanted kindness and thoughtfulness back when I gave it out - too often I accepted any sort of behaviour just to keep the "friendship" going - I always felt I wasn't enough for anyone and that if I didn't bend over backwards for them, they would get bored with me.
Aderyn yes I will have to be more pro active eventually. I have a couple of classes i attend sporadically and along with activities for dd and work, time ticks along nicely so far.

Dieu Tue 14-Mar-17 17:27:58

You are doing wonderfully well, and I don't agree with what your mother said. However I do firmly believe that a woman needs more to her life than her children.

Shayelle Tue 14-Mar-17 17:34:34

Its lovely being completely content alone. Even nicer you have a dd grin

Stripyclouds Tue 14-Mar-17 17:56:39

You shouldn't feel bad at all! I'd much rather be on my own than spend time with someone that doesn't make me feel better than solitude does. I have 3 friends, excellent colleagues and so on and so forth, but when it comes down to it I'd rather be by myself. I used to be ashamed of it, but I'm completely open about it nowadays and people around me have actually been very understanding! My partner doesnt see it as rejection if I leave the room. I struggled with pregnancy because baby was always with me. I know that sounds both weird and selfish, but that's how it felt. I'm much happier now that she's born and we can hang out in a less being inside me constantly way. I'm yet to experience a need to be away fromantic her, which is nice. Maybe because she sleeps so much and doesnt talk yet lol.

But yeah, being an introvert is absolutely fine. Alone, lonely and solitude are different things.

I too would sometimes really like more friends. The kind I can be quiet with or just relax around, and not just the chatty me, but introverts are hard to find as we like staying in...

I will see how things develop and maybe maternity leave will be TOO MUCH solitude, but so far it's bliss. I see people when I want to but I don't get drained from all the interaction at work.

Cherish who you are, you're great smile

Cary2012 Tue 14-Mar-17 18:04:06

I bet your mum resents you. She actually wants to be strong enough to go it alone, but doesn't feel strong enough. She should be proud of you and respect you, but deep down because she's unhappy she's making nasty, snippy comments. Unhappy people do this. Ignore it, it says more about her than you.

You're fine, you're content. You're taking time to recover, luck your wounds and recover. That's great. You've discovered you enjoy solitude, good again.

You sound lovely and grounded. Have the confidence to live your life as you wish too.

Greaterexpectations Tue 14-Mar-17 18:22:20

Totally agree with what Cary said. It's far better to be happy on your own than badly accompanied. Be proud of yourself OP flowers

LivelyLima Tue 14-Mar-17 18:39:37

Tenpenny the thread I mentioned has not been deleted! Icestar makes a great post on the last page of the thread - "Need some perspective on this "friend" issue" if you want to find it smile. I have come to realise most people won't get me. And it doesn't matter. A few might which helps. But IMO the more you are true to yourself the better you feel, though sometimes that may mean going down a slighly different path to what society thinks you should do or be.

Tenpenny Tue 14-Mar-17 21:13:53

Hello everyone thanks for the supportive messages, I do feel really proud of myself now!
Stripyclouds your line "I'm much happier now that she's born and we can hang out in a less 'being inside me constantly' way" really made me laugh grin I so understand! And I too would love friendships to really relax amongst and not have to be anything more than what I am, not impress anyone.
Lively I will look at that thread! You are very wise smile

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