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Moving in together, what would you discuss before?

(41 Posts)
Emboo19 Tue 14-Mar-17 11:03:50

So I'm probably massively overthinking it, but here goes!!

My boyfriend is buying a house, with the plan being that me and dd, will move in with him. We don't currently live together.

We've discussed the financial aspect, bills, mortgage etc! (I think we've covered everything anyway) So I've no real concerns there.
But what else is it good to discuss beforehand? I've asked if he's got any concerns, but he's pretty relaxed and just says we'll see how it goes and deal with it as we go along. I feel like there should be more to it than that, but am I just thinking too much about it?

He's really excited and I am too. I'm also a bit anxious though. I think now he has a completion date, it's all seeming real!!
And I feel like we should have loads of stuff to discuss, but I don't actually know what confused

GlitteryFluff Tue 14-Mar-17 11:05:25

Where do you currently live?
Are you financially independent?
Is your name going to be on any documents?
If you broke up and he kicked you out do you have a plan b?

newnamechange84 Tue 14-Mar-17 11:06:12

Everything! Especially parenting styles. My partner and I have similar parenting styles and I'd seen him with his own kids beforehand so knew things would be ok. Bedtimes? Activities together? You're going to be a family now, if he has no kids that might take some getting used to on his part. Division of housework? Bills?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Tue 14-Mar-17 11:06:20

Have you discussed how much input he will be having with your dd?
How about chores?
What would happen if you split up regarding house /furniture /finances?

NoraLouca Tue 14-Mar-17 11:06:38

Watching this thread as I am in a similar situation, moving into boyfriend's house in August.

He is quite relaxed about it, I worry that going from single to living with girlfriend and two tweenagers will be a bit of a shock to his system grin

GlitteryFluff Tue 14-Mar-17 11:07:02

I know you were probably thinking things like dividing up chores and who decides on the decor etc but that's not so important

user123346 Tue 14-Mar-17 11:12:36

Marriage , even if it's something you want later down the track. If you are into marriage and he isn't. You will need to question why you're moving in with a man who wants to keep his options open while you play live in maid.

Children, if you want more ( if the child isn't his - does he want children).

Spending styles.


Alice212 Tue 14-Mar-17 11:13:55

the plan b

the daily living and chores is definitely important - I'd be discussing habits, timings, free space, alone time, cleaning, cooking...

Why figure it out as you go along, sounds stressful.

GoodDayToYou Tue 14-Mar-17 11:17:02

Make sure his parents, especially his mum, are nice. If you sense any weirdness from her, hold your horses.

Emboo19 Tue 14-Mar-17 11:26:52

Sorry should have said dd is his. We've been together over 3 years but are quite young.

I live with my parents at the moment and can easily go back.

I won't be on the deeds or anything. But he'd be willing to add me, I'm the one not wanting that. He has a will and everything is left to me and dd, expect his car his brother gets that.

We've discussed bills and joint accounts and he's said it's up to me. I can give him a set amount a month and he'll add me to his account or keep everything separate and I'll just do food shopping and things for dd.

Emboo19 Tue 14-Mar-17 11:30:26

His mums lovely, definitely not a issue there.

With regards to chores etc, do you just disscus what's expected of you both? I'd guess we'd both just do things as needed, he's pretty tidy though, and has been living alone so used to looking after himself.

Cloudyapples Tue 14-Mar-17 11:34:45

Why don't you want to be on the deeds? If you split and the house is his you'd have no rights to the home you've made together - will you be contributing to mortgage payments?

Mumfun Tue 14-Mar-17 11:37:37

Discuss going out. If you both want to go out who looks after DD?

SimonSmithsAmazingDancingBear Tue 14-Mar-17 11:38:42

If the child is his and you've been together for a while, get yourself on the deeds!

Emboo19 Tue 14-Mar-17 11:39:59

No Cloudyapples I'll be contributing very little to be fair. I'm on maternity leave at the moment but only worked part time and I'm going to uni in September.
Complicatedly I own the house I currently live in with my parents (inheritance) so no worries about having somewhere to go.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 14-Mar-17 11:45:13

"I won't be on the deeds or anything. But he'd be willing to add me, I'm the one not wanting that".

Why not?. I think you need to clue yourself up more and read more about cohabitation generally. I would seriously consider seeking legal advice and getting a cohabitation agreement drawn up.

If you die intestate – without leaving a will – there are strict rules about who gets what, and nowhere in English law are cohabiting partners recognised. If you are not married or in a civil partnership, the only way you can make sure your partner will inherit if you die is to make a will.

I would insist that your name is added to both the mortgage and title deeds. Never pay for a property that you are not a part of. Going in as you are without either will leave you and your child extremely vulnerable legally; unmarried couples have few rights in law as it is and you are still very vulnerable here.

Emboo19 Tue 14-Mar-17 11:55:37

Thanks Attila I don't want a claim in his house, as I haven't contributed and won't really be contributing very much financially for at least the next 3/4 years.
I do on paper have far more assets than him and I'm not willing to have his name added to mine.
We both have wills, his leaves almost everything to me, mine isn't quite so generous to him.

I'm not 100% sure how I want to split bank accounts and bills etc, but that's my only concern financially and he's saying it's whatever I feel most comfortable with.

hellokittymania Tue 14-Mar-17 12:00:24

How well do you know his lifestyle ? I don't like not having background noise which I know other people find very difficult sometimes . Is he clean or messy ? Does he recycle ? You never know what will ignore you until it does .

Cloudyapples Tue 14-Mar-17 12:13:05

Bank accounts wise how about a joint account where you both contribute the same percentage of your income and this is used to cover bills, food shopping, costs of things needed for DD? Set up as a standing order from your own accounts so you still feel you have some money aside for yourself

Emboo19 Tue 14-Mar-17 12:37:13

I know his life style pretty well hellokitty he's pretty tidy.
I think we do need to discuss going out and who will have dd. He goes out a lot and has a few hobbies/intrests which take his time, which is fine but so do I.
Or at least I did and hope to do so again!

I think account wise, I may ask to be joint on his account and add X amount a month. But still keep my own account seperate, is that mean? He doesn't want more than one account himself, he says he likes all his money going in and out of the same account, and just has his savings separate.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 14-Mar-17 15:14:21

It isn't just about you putting money in the table for the mortgage though. It is because you will be investing your time and sweat equity and money of your own in maintaining this home that you should be regarded as having an interest in it. You will be doing other spending for day to day requirements, or is he paying for everything? If you are contributing for utilities/monthly bills and food, this frees up his money to pay the mortgage. This is not fair to you because he has the equity in the property that he can borrow against or get back from the sale of the property. You will not have this and your spent money is gone. He has financial security, you will not. I understand you have a property, but why let him use you in this way? Why are you not getting married at this point? I would hold out for marriage before moving in with him.

foreverlost Tue 14-Mar-17 15:17:38

Does his solicitor know you're moving in? I moved in when my exboyfriend bought his house and I was contributing to the bills. I had to sign to say I had to waive my rights to financial interest in the property...

Emboo19 Tue 14-Mar-17 16:57:00

Thanks AndThe I'm really not concerned about the house or having a stake in it. I'll be contributing very little financially, and if we did split up, I'd rather him still have his house for when he had dd!
He's really not using me, in any way! The only equity he will have for a while is the deposit he saved and put down. In a few years we will look at moving and the next house would be a joint purchase.
I don't want to marry, but if I were to marry he could potentially have a claim on my money and property and that's worth an awful lot more than his!!!

I don't know forever I'll ask him! Was it the solicitor who says that or what your ex wanted to do?

NettleTea Tue 14-Mar-17 17:11:28

you are contributing because you are raising his child - you are allowing him to go to work FT and bring in a wage, whereas you could be insisting he does 50% of the childcare and you could be working too.
You are contributing because I expect while you are on maternity leave you will pick up most of the slack with the housework, food prep, etc
who is going to be paying for childcare while you go to uni? as a couple both of your incomes will be taken into account for tax credits - in fact will you be claiming tax credits as your income may drop quite a bit when you move from your parents into his place. Who will receive the tax credits? Have you calculated the effect of his income on student loans etc, and the fact that his single occupancy council tax will go up once you move in.
Time off is important. you need to have the same time off, so share looking after DD is the evenings/weekends and factor in family time. Is he happy about stepping up on the parenting front - does he currently have DD on his own - he is her father so does he come round to do bed/bath etc or does he pop to see you with her as a bonus if she is up.

Graphista Tue 14-Mar-17 17:19:18

The terms of the mortgage may affect the terms of your moving in.

I'm wondering if you'd be best off legally and financially being his lodger, ie pay 'rent' which covers your share of utilities and council tax and then each pay half for groceries and other costs.

DEFINITELY check with a solictot first, I'm thinking a divorce solicitor who knows what can go wrong would be best.

Why don't you just get married? It's the cheapest and simplest solution to be honest (and the most legally clear cut!.

Is he on dds birth certificate? If so if he does more childcare when you live together and you were to split he could get lions share of residency.

Things to make sure you're on the same page on:

More children and when and how many
Childcare sharing including when dd sick/inset days/school hols
Chores sharing
Day to day finances

Are you both spenders or savers? Generally 2 savers will go along ok but a spender and saver or 2 spenders can run into conflict. Do you both have the same opinion on what is a NEED and what is a WANT? I would STRONGLY advise not operating in cash for transferring money to him for housing/living costs, it's so easy to do on an app now and it gives you proof of what you've contributed. You can even attach a reference note 'rent' 'gas bill'

Both getting equal 'me' time or at least an agreement where both are satisfied.

Do not even THINK of moving in until you're sure you have all this kinda stuff hashed out.

Oh and yes to living habits, are you a night owl and he's a lark? Is one tidy and one a slob? Does one prefer music and one tv or one likes silence/quiet? You'd be AMAZED the things that trigger arguments!

I didn't live with my ex until we married as he was army. First major argument we had as a married couple? Where the mugs should go grin crazy!

On that note, providing you get the important stuff sorted, moving in together is a learning curve for both of you. It's a weird mix of honeymoon period/rose tinted glasses and adjusting to sharing space. As you're at home with your parents it may actually be easier for you than him.

My ex had gone straight from home to army barracks and never lived alone. I'd been living alone since 18 and managing my own space and finances and married at 24. So I fully expected to organise everything how I wanted it (because that was the RIGHT way!) grin

Ooh - how will you handle conflict? That's a good discussion to have.

Good luck I'm sure you'll figure it out.

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