Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
What would you do?(13 Posts)
Quite a few months ago I had a moment. It struck me entirely unexpectedly, as such moments no doubt tend to. There was just the flavour of panic about it too. Certainly not a crushing sensation, but a hint of unpleasantness nonetheless.
I think I was at home somewhere and it suddenly occurred to me that I was not only 34 I was fast approaching 35 (October) but also childless.
It isn’t that I feared not having children at all - although I do find it a little presumptuous how some people say "When I have children..."? What flashed before me in capital letters was the prospect of being an older, or even and old dad. If I have a child in two years time, I’d be 50 when my son or daughter reaches their fourteenth birthday. This is what seems to be bothering me the most!
I could see on the net that Men leaving it late to have babies isn't a topic that is often spoken about. A woman’s ticking clock on the other hand is almost cemented into the lexicon. In the last 10 years I've been in 3 different relationships. All long term. First one ended when I was 27, she walked out on me, second ended when I was 30 and looking forward to getting married and having kids, but she cheated on me, my third I'm still in but I haven't been happy for some time.
Now I'm in my mid-thirties (turned 34 in October 2016) and although I don’t have ovaries, I do have aspirations to be an active and energetic father. My dad was 31 when he had me, my mum was 32 and while it probably didn’t register with me at the time, it was brilliant to have a dad who could still play football with me, come, swimming, enjoy theme park rides and beat me in a arm wrestle. These were all things that helped forge bonds in our family. I even got to bowl at him in fathers and sons cricket matches.
However now, I find myself in a unhappy relationship, fighting a decision on whether or not to leave my partner which the decision balanced on a knife edge which is covered in anxiety about wanting children...
Now I love my other half, I care for her a lot. But I'm not in love with her and looking back in think it changed around two years ago. But I just wrote it off as coming out of the honeymoon stage and that it was a "normal thing".
So a bit of back ground: My other half is an only child and is very materialistic. She is never happy with what she's got, for example recently she want something like a new sound bar and new rugs, she'll tell me she'll then be happy. She gets what she wants (which I pay for) and is happy for a week to 2 weeks but it dosent last and then she wants something else. However if I say no, I get the mother of all paddies and a chance to feel like I'm waking on eggshells.
She often compares our relationship and what we have to everyone else's and tells me! Unfortunately over time this has left me questioning does she appreciate me and our relationship.
It all seemed to change when we moved in to our house. The day we moved in we got engaged. Before moving we agreed a 5 year plan. Marriage kids etc. However 3-6 months later that changed. She wanted to get married within a year and have children soon after. We had debt on credit cards nearing £8,000, so I suggested that we should consolidate our debt, pay that off first whilst also saving to get married. Obviously she didn't agree. She pushed and pushed, emotionally black mailing me, gaving me an ultimatums such as "if you won't marry me before I'm 30 or I'll go find someone who will". I had given her so much yet she was so ungrateful. Eventually the pressure placed on me cause a nervous break down.
I'm conscious I don't want to make this post too long so I'm cutting it short as best I can and will answer questions asked by people.
So what do I do? What would you do? Is there anyone out there that understand where I'm coming from?
I think you should separate and definitely do not get married in spite of your feelings of fear that you may never be a father. That is really no reason to stay with someone.
It sounds like a horrible relationship. you need to have the courage to end this in my opinion.
Does she work, why is she expecting you to pay for things she wants. I would leave someone for that reason alone. I do think you should leave as you sound unhappy.
I see two separate issues here. Firstly you're in an unhappy relationship and secondly you fear having children when you're too old to properly enjoy them. Firstly. If you're unhappy, leave. If you're unhappy before you have children you certainly will never be happy with them. Children are not magical relationship fixers. They don't sleep and they are demanding. Secondly I'm in my early 40s with three energetic boys and a horse/sports mad girl. I'm constantly knackered but I don't feel much different to when I was mid 20s and the older two were tiny. If anything I am far more active now, we have more money and I'm more worldly and not as easily scared by life and world crisis. When my youngest is 13 I will be 50 and that is not a scary prospect for me anymore. Good luck OP.
You need to split up. You are a grown adult that makes their own life choices.
And I second children are not relationship fixers, if you have issues before kids you might as well multiply them by ten when your first child comes.
I think you may be putting too much pressure on yourself regarding having children. It's better that you have children later with the right partner than with your current one. She sounds quite awful.
In your position I would extricate myself from this relationship, give myself a bit of time to clear my head and then maybe try to meet the right one.
Age isn't the barrier to active parenthood you seem to think. My Mum was a stick in the mud kind of parent, she sat and read or watched TV. She never played with us. Grandad was a hoot. He was a farmer and got us to help herding sheep, making hay, footing turf, all manner of exciting stuff that we couldn't screw up too much. At the end of a day with him we were exhausted.
Have you considered having a relationship with a single mother? I'd keep all my options open.
Firstly, I'd stop worrying about your age regarding having children. Seriously, time is NOT running out for you.
Secondly, get rid of your girlfriend. She is not going to change, your debts will only get worse. I have a niece like this...she has two siblings, it's nothing to do with being an only child.
You WILL meet someone else and everything will fall into place and you'll then realise why you and this woman were not meant to be.
Imagine if you were to go on and have children with her. Then you split up. How difficult would she make it for you to see your child? How much animosity would there be? Is it worth it. You have to stop focusing on your age and look at the bigger picture. Your not happy so why hang about any longer. Get your finances in order & move on. You will meet someone and you will instantly know this is the woman I want to have children with. It will be worth the wait. My xh was 42 when our child was born. He's a very active, fun dad, more so than me & im a bit younger.
Your partner sounds quite horrendous.
You don't sound happy at all.
I would split, take some time out for yourself. I was 37 when I had my dd I have more than enough energy. You have plenty of time.
Get with someone you love, can live with and laugh with. However long it takes and then the good baby and family times will happen naturally.
Ditch the business contract.
First of all, you definitely need to leave that relationship - the sooner the better really.
You'll likely find someone but, if you don't, consider doing what some single women do (if they're hitting the point of no return) and have a child on your own via a surrogate. Or adopt - although that's an even longer and more difficult process.
There are plenty of single Dads out there these days, doing as good a job of it as single Mums. It may take a bit of finessing with your career, but if it's important enough to you then the sacrifice will be worth it.
I'd have very happily been a SAH Dad, if finances had allowed when I was still married, and I'd not have blinked at being a single parent either. At least in those situations you don't have to put up with the sexist bullshit of family court or worry about your ex using your kids as weapons.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.