Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

HELP!!

(17 Posts)
Doneitagain1968 Tue 14-Mar-17 09:23:37

I posted on here before about splitting up with my DP – he decided he wanted to split in January – we live in his house and I moved in just before having DS nearly 5 years ago. I still have my own home about 45 minutes away which since he decided to split I have arranged to move back into (over Easter) and DS has got a place in the local school and work have said that I can work around the school hours and at home in the evenings (the have been brilliant and really accommodating). DP at first was very nice about the split but since I have put all my ducks in a row so to speak has turned nasty – DS presently is looked after by DP’s mum and goes to school where we live so obviously it will be a massive change for DS to move house (although he knows my home he has never lived there) and change schools and no longer be living with both mummy and daddy – DP has during all of the DS life worked at lot at weekends and been out most evenings so has never put DS to bed or got up with him in the night and DS is a mummy’s boy although loves being with me and DP as a family. At the moment DP is not speaking to me as such just outbursts when DS is not around telling me that I am being selfish, spiteful and I am completely wrong taking DS away and I should leave and have DS every other weekend and visit in the evening – I work in London and presently we live in Essex by the time I got to DP home DS would be fast asleep!!!! I know that DS is going to be upset but am I being selfish not wanting to leave my son with DP who has never done full on parenting with him and would rather do his own thing at weekends and never takes holidays or wants to go on days out or family parties etc!!! I can't imagine leaving DS apart from going to work I am never away from him DP knows that DS comes first in everything I feel that if I left I would destroy DS emotionally DP says DS would get over it!!

hellsbellsmelons Tue 14-Mar-17 09:34:28

It's all part of the abuse, control and manipulation.
You are gaining strength.
You have plans in place to get out.
He's losing control.
So he goes to the one thing he knows will get to you.
Your DS.
Of course you are not being selfish.
You keep going.
Ignore is rants (smile and wave boys, smile and wave)!
You are doing great.
Well done on getting away.
I bet Easter can't come soon enough.
Stay strong, stay distant and get on with a lovely life free of this twat.

Doneitagain1968 Tue 14-Mar-17 09:43:16

Thank you so much Hellsbellsmelons - my RL friends say exactly what you are saying but I think well they would say that they know me and know DS and see that every evening and every weekend it is just me and DS and they see our close relationship but also I think well they are bias they are my friends not his! - I just need outside perspective that I am not a cruel spiteful woman that is punishing both DP and DS because DP doesn't want to be with me anymore (yes he's screamed that at me last night). DP has finally decided to tell his mother that DS will be moving to a new area and going to a new school and that she won't be looking after DS anymore (I pay her for this not DP) - I think that DP is hoping his mum will try to emotionally blackmail me too and DP has already started to dripfeed and be the Disney dad to DS after nearly 5 years of hardly being there DS is loving it bless him - I have a gut feeling that MIL will dripfeed DS too but I won't leave DS with them - MIL never takes DS out in the holidays apart to go shopping once and week and DP's idea of childcare is TV on 24/7 - I am now counting down the days although I still have to get moving boxes and order beds, sofa - make that everything apart from mine and DS's clothes and DS's toys!

hellsbellsmelons Tue 14-Mar-17 10:00:54

Get on your local facebook selling page or community page.
Ask for moving boxes. There is usually someone local who wants rid of theirs.
Also ask for all the things you need on there.
Freecycle is another great site.
I got a free dishwasher from there.
I always post my bits on there.
Gave away a decent sofa, bookshelf, mirror, dining table and chairs.
As long as they could collect they could have it.
Many others do the same.
It might just see you through until you can buy exactly what you need.
Ignore the MIL.
Protect your DS and you'll do just fine!

troodiedoo Tue 14-Mar-17 10:06:38

Can't add anything further than hellsbellsmelons's perfect summary.

Your STBx is being a major tool. Good luck with getting on with your life you sound awesome flowers

Doneitagain1968 Tue 14-Mar-17 10:28:10

Thanks Hellsbellsmelons and troodiedoo - I've got my family and friends physically around when I move back home and I know DS will be okay after he gets used to new school etc (my two DC (now adult) from previous relationship went there and loved it) and DS will have his fun older brother moving in with us in a couple of weeks - mutual adoration - its just surviving the next couple of weeks with the STBX but I will pull my big girl pants and look at STBX for what he is - a complete and utter COCK(WOMBLE)

Logolphin Tue 14-Mar-17 10:31:33

Could you take DS's bedroom furniture too? Might help him feel a bit more at home in his new bedroom. Would it help to pack up things and put them into storage for a few weeks to make it easier? Do you not get half the furniture in the house or was it all there when you moved in five years ago? Maybe not worth the extra arguments?

Doneitagain1968 Tue 14-Mar-17 11:11:51

Can't take anything - I have brought a new dining room table/chairs for this home but really not worth argument to take it with me and its far too big for me - can't take DS bed as he will need it to stay with STBX every other weekend - I don't mind starting again but STBX is now saying I have to move out on 1 April knowing that work have said I can work PT from 18 April and that DS is on school holidays - I have said no to moving out before Easter - I'm not being dictated to by a control freak who thought in January when he finished it I would do the pick me dance and would agree to his idea of leaving for a couple of months and then seeing if he missed us!! He can fuck off - within a week I had arranged DS new school place and asked my adult DD to find a new place to live with her boyfriend (she had been living in my house but with only 2 bedrooms I thought they'd be better finding their own place) - I did think I might have give up work and he has in the last couple of weeks played on that but when I spoke to them on Friday they were brilliant so he can't try and manipulate me with that any more so now he is clearly clutching at straws - will get moving boxes this weekend - Not majorly expensive from Wilko and I could do with some storage boxes when I get home and then will start boxing up this weekend (will have to say to very inquisitive DS that I am sorting stuff) -

Secretlife0fbees Tue 14-Mar-17 11:25:16

I think you're doing brilliantly. What a dickhead and I'm so glad you didn't fall for it! Remember he will use anything he can think of to make you feel like shit - knowing your weak points. Don't listen to him and keep strong for a little while longer - then your new life will start! flowers

troodiedoo Tue 14-Mar-17 11:28:55

Give yourself a huge pat on the back for getting shit done smile you're halfway there already just keep swimming.

Doneitagain1968 Tue 14-Mar-17 11:33:36

Thank troodiedoo, Secretlife0fbees and Hellsbellsmelons - I can deal with most things but I am dreading telling DS that me and him are moving and that he will have to go to a new school - visit to new school arranged for the day before school breaks up for Easter but that does mean 2 weeks of MIL and STBX drip feeding DS at every opportunity - so I am expecting a lot of tears from DS but I also know he is young and although he will be sad and teary and act out in a couple of years this will all be a bad memory (but the guilt is there of course - who wants to upset, hurt and destroy their child's world!!)

wishcarry Tue 14-Mar-17 11:53:50

You are doing great.
it's not you that has upturned your lives,it was your oh.and I think he needs reminding of that every time he feels compelled to guilt trip you about moving.after all it wasn't you that wanted to move.it's him that wanted you to move out.
I agree about looking on gumtree and freecycle.perhaps sign up to the local freecycle group in the area now.if you are anything you need people may be willing to hold into it for a bit longer for you. (Perhaps vaguely explain your circumstances)
It may also be worth calling local waste collection/house clearance companies to see if they have come across beds/wardrobes/sofas etc.I know a waste remover and he quite often gets decent furniture that he has to dispose of (they will probably deliver to you for free as the less weight on the load the cheaper their tipping fees)
It may be a long shot,but you may get lucky.
Good luck and please try to look forward to your and your son's new adventure together.flowers

hellsbellsmelons Tue 14-Mar-17 12:08:32

You aren't destroying his world!
He's gonna live with his cool brother.
Be near all your family and friends.
Initially he'll be upset but he will settle and be happier.

Secretlife0fbees Tue 14-Mar-17 12:14:16

He'll be fine, I'm going through it at the moment with my v sensitive 10 year old ds... at times it's a struggle but if you support him through it it'll be like water off a ducks back at that age. Kids are scared of the unknown that's all. He's got you! My stbx also became super dad in the last few weeks prior to his leaving but the kids saw through that quick enough when he couldn't maintain it consistently. you are not ruining your sons life! You're improving it immeasurably... just remember that love

Doneitagain1968 Tue 14-Mar-17 13:14:51

Thank you all flowers and lots of hugs - as a parent you just want to try and do the right thing for your DC - & Secretlife0fbees I feel for you as I have a very sensitive DS but I know its a lot hard when they are sensitive and approaching their teenage years - but I am sure you are doing a fabulous job too - & as my two adult children (24 and 27) say when I did alone that time too - they had a fantastic mum who was independent and who gave them a great life and foundation and my ADS says he now looks for my qualities in any girlfriends - hoping DS has the same feelings in the future.

user1487519954 Tue 14-Mar-17 13:23:32

Good luck in your new life! Any chance you can take some annual leave and get out a bit earlier? The waiting around must be dreadful?

Doneitagain1968 Tue 14-Mar-17 13:37:58

user1487519954 unfortunately lots of people are off over Easter and work are being fantastic to let me work only 4 hours in the office (hour journey there and back) so that I can DS to school and pick him up and as I will be working shorter hours my holiday entitlement is going to go down and I have taken 3 days already this year (helping in DS classroom etc) and so only have 3 more before my hours change and would like to save them for Summer Hols - I will just have to grit my teeth and bare it - he's out most evenings at his precious boxing club and tonight will be out for over 3 hours coaching his ladies only group so I will keep myself busy getting all my stuff sorted and having a clear out of stuff I really don't need but if I have to go then I will have to take unpaid family leave - not the end of the world

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now