Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is this normal ?

(84 Posts)
annabananna82 Mon 13-Mar-17 23:57:37

So I've been off the dating scene for aggggges

Met someone couple of months ago and we are now an item

But I have a couple of concerns and would like your advice

He has been noting but lovely
The relationship is going very well and he seems very happy as I am

This weekend I'm going on a girls night out
It's been planned before we even became an item and I don't go out very often just whenever us mummies can arrange baby sitters etc

Anyway.....he has said he's worried about me going out.....asked why and this weekend he seemed to lay it on thick

He has said he's worried in case I get chatted up - I've said I'm not interested in anyone else as I'm happy with him! And although it's early days I've tried to reassure but he still says he's worried....he said because he has been cheated on in the past but I've said I wouldn't do anything to hurt him

He said he trusts me as I've done nothing to abuse that but he can't help it

What worries me too is that he has asked what I'm wearing and how I am when I'm out and had a drink ? Do I flirt?

And then yesterday I told him I'm considering joining the gym and he then said he was really worried I was going to meet someone in there ?!

At this point I've started to think is this right?

He then said he wasn't going to say anything so I could just have a good night as he didn't wanna make me feel bad but then he thought be better tell me ? So then I'm thinking why did he tell me then did he want me to feel bad?

I asked my bf and she said it's normal as if her boyf of 3 yrs said he's having a boys night out even she would be slightly worried ?

Just need some advice please as I'm feeling a bit concerned


BackforGood Tue 14-Mar-17 00:13:25

Well I don't think it's normal in a healthy relationship, but I can also sort of see that if he has been cheated on, he might be more nervous than your average person.

corythatwas Tue 14-Mar-17 00:17:53

Even if he has been cheated on, he has no right to take that insecurity out on you and deny you normal enjoyments.

If he can't even allow you to go to the gym without making you feel guilty, how much freedom is he going to allow you? And how much consolation is it going to be to you that there may be a reason for his insecurity, when it's your life that's being pared away?

I would break this off now, before it gets too difficult. This sort of thing does not get better.

SanitysSake Tue 14-Mar-17 00:18:06

He has to trust you.. or at least try. Else he'll ruin it before its started.

MissJSays Tue 14-Mar-17 00:19:07

I don't think it's normal but he has been cheated on before so he might just be paranoid. My boyfriend worries when I go out with my friends too but his worries are about me keeping safe and getting home ok.
His comments about the gym are abit worrying though.
Maybe time to talk to him and just let him know your feelings, that you're very happy with him and don't want that to change. Communication is key! X

BaronessBomburst Tue 14-Mar-17 00:19:24

I don't think that's normal. If someone didn't want me going out with my friends or joining a gym in case I got chatted up I'd drop them like a hot potato.

user1489179512 Tue 14-Mar-17 00:21:43

No, I don't think that is normal. He sounds possessive and the next step might be an attempt to be controlling. Sorry, don't like the sound of that.

TheStoic Tue 14-Mar-17 00:22:13

He is voicing what a lot of people think at the beginning of a new relationship.

As long as he doesn't actually expect you to change your behaviour to make him feel better, perhaps give him a chance to relax and settle in to the relationship.

Definitely DO NOT change your behaviour to make him feel better!

user1469751309 Tue 14-Mar-17 00:24:10

From experience get out now while you can xxxx

Dieu Tue 14-Mar-17 00:34:00

It WAS normal. For my very sweet and insecure 19 year old boyfriend, when we were going out many moons ago I find it a bit more worrying with a grown man.

KarmaNoMore Tue 14-Mar-17 00:39:47

I think that is worrying. If he doesn't loves himself enough to think you will go away with any man you are up for a very difficult journey with a controlling man.

He may ask some consideration towards the things that trigger memories of previous bad times but not to the point of trying to Give you a guilt trip for meeting with your friends or trying to go to the gym.

Missyaggravation Tue 14-Mar-17 00:53:43

Couple of months in? Err hills=run towards

Meowstro Tue 14-Mar-17 00:55:04

No, it isn't normal and raises red flags for potentially controlling behaviour due to his insecurities.

I went on holiday during the early stages of my relationship with DH and he went away for a trip with his mates (of whom 3 were single). We both had insecurities about each others situation internally as we talked about years later and laughed about but kept them to ourselves at the time because you have to learn to trust in a new relationship.

Is he going to start telling you how to dress, who you can go out with or if you can go out at all? Your friend clearly doesn't 100% trust her partner either. You know it isn't normal which is why you've posted. My personal feeling is get out now, you may think you can set boundaries and set ground rules for how you want things to be but it can slowly creep back in later.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 14-Mar-17 00:57:34

Asking what you're wearing and if you flirt when you're drinking is totally not normal OP.shock

annabananna82 Tue 14-Mar-17 01:07:41

Hmm I know

It's hard as the relationship has been really good but then I've not been out or joined a gym! We speaks so much in the day so we kind of knows what I'm doing when we are not together

I have tried to reassure him already but it's not worked
I get that he is insecure as he has been cheated on in the past but so have I and I feel a little concerned but not so much it worries me like it does him just that I hope it works out
But if it didn't and he got with someone else then he's not worth it ? I said he should feel the same and give me the benefit of the doubt

It's just made me feel a tad uncomfortable as he keeps saying he's worried about sat saying he has visualise me calling him the next day to say I got with someone?!

It looks like it was really doing his head in but I've never done anything to cause him this worry...his ex has

Not sure I can finish it as he is insecure but yes if this is the start of him Being controlling he won't win!!! As I won't be controlled by anyone

He's 36 btw xx

Angryangryyoungwoman Tue 14-Mar-17 01:21:53

No, not normal, not healthy and misogynistic. Hope that helps

BubblingUp Tue 14-Mar-17 01:25:53

It will be a deal breaker for me. He's too possessive, jealous, controlling, manipulative.

MommaGee Tue 14-Mar-17 01:27:32

You can choose to no let him control you - I understand because of your ex you're worried but I'm not her and I'll call you the following morning. I probably won't hear any texts etc so let's arrange to meet for lunch or I'll call before lunch etc. Then don't reply to his messages whilst you're out. See how he is the next day and take it from there. If it's obvious he doesn't trust you then I'd walk.
I think it's weird your bf gets worried when her partner of 3 years goes out in case he cheats on her unless he's got a history of it

avamiah Tue 14-Mar-17 01:30:44

You say you speak a lot in the day .
Does he not work in the day ?

blankmind Tue 14-Mar-17 01:59:22

We speaks so much in the day so we kind of knows what I'm doing when we are not together

He's keeping tabs on you, wanting to know what you're doing when you're not with him.
He can't do that on your evening out or during a gym session, hence his anxiety.

LTB, seriously, he has major issues to overcome, you haven't caused any of them.

AnyFucker Tue 14-Mar-17 02:47:15

The hills are that away >>>>>>>

You have been warned

iremembericod Tue 14-Mar-17 02:54:22

At the beginning of a relationship we all feel those things....but most healthy people just suck it up and understand that's a risk of a being in a relationship and they have to trust the other person. They don't control, cajole, guilt trip.

Not good I don't think.

treaclesoda Tue 14-Mar-17 02:59:38

I don't think that's normal at all. I think it's very sinister and if he's as bad as this now then he'll only get worse.

I also don't agree with the sentiment that he's just saying out loud what most people feel. I don't think it's normal to be jealous.

numberseven Tue 14-Mar-17 03:07:08

Possessive, jealous, controlling. Ruuuuun.

Coffeelatteperson Tue 14-Mar-17 03:45:53

Controlling and passive aggressive- he's said just enough to make you uncomfortable and you've "passed the first test" by not telling him to fuck off.

Controlling men don't scream at you down the phone the first time they want you to do something, they dress it up in the language if "feelings" and "being concerned" so you sound paranoid if you complain.

Next it will be sulking if you go out, then you'll stop just to please him, then your best friend will desperately need you and he'll be standing there getting huffy whilst you're on the phone to her ( because it's all about his FEELINGS and he can't be called out on those...)

And bear in mind majority of overly possessive men are cheaters and liars themselves- next it will be " I had to ask someone else out because you didn't pay me enough attention"

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: