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DP won't explain to me what he does for living.

(623 Posts)
BusyHomemaker Mon 13-Mar-17 23:55:37

DP has recently changed roles at work and won't explain to me what he does. It's a sideways move from a job he's done for 8 years. He told me he might be changing teams then a few weeks later arrived home with a case of beer - his leaving present. He snapped at me when I asked about it "I did tell you I was changing roles" Whenever I have asked what his new teams do (he's a manager) he won't tell me. The usual response is something all my the lines of "I've been at work all fucking day/all last fucking week I don't want to talk about it at home" then storms off. Last week I gave him a hug and asked how it was going and he snapped at me and went to bed without saying good night. It was 8.30pm. I honestly don't pester, maybe ask him once or twice a week how work is going and joked recently that I still don't know what he does... That didn't go down well.

He's become increasingly grumpy and moody. Like tonight he seemed to be starting arguments for no reason. I work full time and since coming home had cleaned the kitchen floor (due to the puppy), fed DD, fed the dogs, fed the cat, loaded the dishwasher, put on a washing, made packed lunches for DP and I and started our tea. I was just putting DD to bed and asked if he would mind finishing off tea "I've been at work all fucking day" (he works 12 hour shifts) "yes so have I and we didn't get home until after 6pm due to so and so. It would really help me out since I'm putting DD to bed" He then (bizarrely) asked me what I cleaned the floor with, a brief argument ensued, I continued with Bedtime routine and DP changed into PJ's, went downstairs and laid on the sofa. I then finish off tea!

I feel like a bloody doormat.

After we ate I attempted a conversation that turned into an argument so he announced he was having a bath then went to bed.

I don't know if he's depressed or his job is getting him down but this has been going on too long.

We've been together about 20 months, lived together for a year. He's usually great with DD but recently has been short fused with us both. He didn't even pop his head round her door to say goodnight to her, which is becoming the norm. She's not his DD but still?! We barely have sex anymore... That could be due to low mood or is this a dead relationship? Affection is starting to teeter off.

I don't know how to move forward and the lack of openess combined with moodiness is becoming unbearable. I attempted a heart to heart before the weekend and DP admitted he might be stressed.

Give me strength!

Leftatthecorner Tue 14-Mar-17 00:00:00

I smell a rat

BusyHomemaker Tue 14-Mar-17 00:06:13

Sorry leftatthecorner what do you mean?

HirplesWithHaggis Tue 14-Mar-17 00:10:29

Are you sure he's going to work? Sounds to me that he lost his job and is trying to cover it up. But I could be wildly wrong.

Glastokitty Tue 14-Mar-17 00:13:09

I'm sorry, but it sounds to me like your relationship is dead in the water.

BusyHomemaker Tue 14-Mar-17 00:14:00

He definitely hasn't lost his job. Well, I'm 99.9% certain he hasn't!

bloodyteenagers Tue 14-Mar-17 00:14:12

I think he's lost his job as well. Hence being a moody fucker.
What do you get out of this? Even before the job thing?

VimFuego101 Tue 14-Mar-17 00:14:32

I also thought he might have lost his job. Could you call him via the switchboard to check?

bloodyteenagers Tue 14-Mar-17 00:14:40

How do you know he hasn't? Is it because he leave and comes in?

BusyHomemaker Tue 14-Mar-17 00:15:18

That's what I'm afraid of Glasto

DancingOnMyOwn Tue 14-Mar-17 00:16:11

It could be stress from work (it's not the same but my DP has recently been asked to do more work, as his boss has resigned, and I have noticed he has become more snappy and argumentative).

I have told him I understand he's under more pressure now but he has no right taking it out on me. I would suggest you say something similar to this to your DP. Tell him you need to have a serious talk, and you will not put up with being treated like this

160A4 Tue 14-Mar-17 00:16:23

I also smell a rat and the rat I smelt is exactly what Hirples has suggested.
Had this with a family member many years ago - he'd actually been sacked but kept 'going to work' for 3 months before anyone found out the truth that he was actually unemployed.
Hope I'm wrong OP.

peukpokicuzo Tue 14-Mar-17 00:17:42

He might have lost the previous job and immediately obtained a menial low-paid job well below his capabilities in order to keep a wage coming in, but be embarrassed to tell you.

TENSHI Tue 14-Mar-17 00:17:43

Not good. He's suffered a major setback or lost his job or got demoted.

He isn't kind anymore and is verbally abusive. You don't need a bad role model in your dc's life.

You haven't even been together long and the true character might be this now he's got you where he wants you.

Stop behaving like a doormat then he can't treat you like one. If he can't be civil why are you together?

NoMoreMarbles Tue 14-Mar-17 00:18:36

My first thought was has he lost his job too...

Hopefully it's not that and he's just regretting the change and aiming his attitude at you... still a shitty thing but easier to deal with than the no job side of things IMO

KarmaNoMore Tue 14-Mar-17 00:19:17

I think that he is pretending he has not lost his job.

It may be difficult for him to tell you or talk about it but that is no reason for you to put up with all these outbursts.

BusyHomemaker Tue 14-Mar-17 00:19:20

He works four on, four off and wears a uniform. Still has his work mobile and has sent texts from it and made one call last week... Asking me to pick up bits for packed lunches as he'd had an argument with the canteen staff over undercooked meat and won't eat there again!

He's like bloody Victor Meldrew!

FelixtheMouse Tue 14-Mar-17 00:20:21

My money's on him having lost his job.

BusyHomemaker Tue 14-Mar-17 00:21:09

Dancingonmyowm we had a similar chat last week sad

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Tue 14-Mar-17 00:21:47

Why are you certain he hasn't lost his job? I think maybe he's been disciplined/demoted or something if you're sure he's still working in the same place etc.

Beeziekn33ze Tue 14-Mar-17 00:23:27

Or maybe been demoted or moved sideways if at the same firm. Is he getting paid?

BreatheDeep Tue 14-Mar-17 00:23:35

Did he eat at the canteen before this behaviour started? Before he changed jobs? I'm with others and think he's lost his job. If the packed lunches are recent it's another cover up.

BusyHomemaker Tue 14-Mar-17 00:24:10

Thank you for all your replies but I seriously doubt he has lost his job! It just doesn't add up.

Beeziekn33ze Tue 14-Mar-17 00:24:13

Tooextra. Crosspost!

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Tue 14-Mar-17 00:24:37

Sorry, X post. The packed lunch thing sounds unlikely to me (i.e., more likely he wants packed lunches because he's no longer at the workplace with the canteen) but the work mobile seems fairly solid evidence.

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