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Do I give up and call it quits? Or wait a bit longer.(6 Posts)
I have never used a website for advice before but hoping for some slightly unbiased (and gentle if possible) advice.
I have been in a relationship with my BF for a while. We were friends for a good couple of years then following the end of his relationship (then mine shortly after which was not a complete coincidence) we started dating. It was very light at first and sometimes fraught as neither of us really took the time to address our previous break-ups. In hindsight it wasn’t a good idea to get together so quickly, but once we both said I love you it seems silly to stop seeing each other.
I ended my relationship with my ex about a year ago and I would say I have been in more of a proper relationship with my current since around June/July last year. Generally it is all going great. We speak constantly during the day on text or email, see each other very regularly and he is a very caring - and generally a great boyfriend. In the beginning of our relationship however I really struggled, he didn’t vocalise feelings for me often and at times I could very much feel him pulling away. That isn’t the case now but we have had two instances in the last few months where he has expressed doubt/in ability to think about the future. Both of them has resulted from situations where we have been a bit drunk (I get needy and prod at things). One time he said he loved me but he just couldn’t think about the future right now (he was with his ex for 10 years, it was rough for a long time and I wasn’t a factor in their break up. I know he loved her but it got to a point he just couldn’t live with her apparently). Recently we had a minor disagreement after seeing a friends baby (I can’t even remember exactly what about) but after I prodded him he said; he loved me and wants to see me all the time but he finds it difficult to think about the future and he’s not having those ‘feelings that want to make you rush in’ – and that he still has panics about being in a relationship. The way he said it made it sounds a bit final so I was devastated, but then he said straight away he wants us to still be together and hopes I will give him time. The next day he spent it with me, apologised for being so confusing and came with me while I met up with different friendship groups I had planned to meet. He also admitted he is extremely stressed with a big work deadline.
Now we are ‘back to normal’ making plans for the weekend and to meet up with his friends in the week. But what he said is nagging in my head and I’m also conscious he is looking into buying a flat and therefore making future plans without us discussing anything. I persevered before in the beginning and it wasn’t long before he was calling me his girlfriend and inviting me to meet his family (he even took the first move on all those steps). But I have also now just entered by 30s and I find it exhausting doing the whole slow move dating scene again, especially when we know each other well and I’m pretty sure about him. If I leave him I will be devastated and will have given up on the person I actually see myself committing to in the long run. But then again if I stick it out maybe he won’t go any further and I would have wasted all this time. He friends say I make him really happy and my friends are not good at advice on this as they all really like him, think we are a good match and just say ‘it will work itself out’. But I can’t shake these uneasy feeling.
Wow calm down and hold your horses! You've not been with him long.
He seems really into you. You'll end up pushing him away if you're not careful. Just enjoy it.
You need to find out if he wants the things you do. It's not unreasonable to have a frank and honest discussion about the future. If he doesn't then it's probably better you know sooner and can move on.
I think the two of you were so used to being in LT relationships that when you initially got together you rushed straight back into it. You sound like you're rushing things far too much. You don't need to hear from each other all the time, or see each other all the time. This makes the times you do spend together more precious and enjoyable which is what early days is all about. It's totally reasonable that he wants to buy a flat, it's an investment for him. It's far far too soon for you to be making plans to live together. Just slow down and enjoy yourself, he sounds nice
Argh! This sounds really tiring for you both.
Stop getting drunk and needy and asking him to tell you things. You will always find something in there you don't like, because what you want is a Gold Plated Diamond Encrusted Forever More Relationship Guarantee - and they don't exist.
You have to take risks and chances based on what you know now.
It's early days and you both have this baggage.
He is telling you repeatedly that he's fine and happy and no one knows the future, but he sees a future. What more do you actually want him to do or say? This is you feeling insecure, it's not his job to reassure you or make promises he might not be able to keep.
What he said IMO was a nice way of telling you this needy talk freaks him out a bit and makes him panic. It would me.
You need to calm down & put the brakes on. If the drink is driving you to be needy, like you sound, stop that as well. It's not even been 9 months yet. Your behaviour would be a huge red flag, to a lot of good people.
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