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(23 Posts)
user1489407754 Mon 13-Mar-17 12:53:28

Hey ladies.
Quite a long one. Please don't judge!

I have a 18 month old who's dad and I parted before he was born. I've been with my current boyfriend just over a year and we've spoken about baby #2!
He says he doesn't wanna move in together yet though. He doesn't wanna have to pay my rent and me loose income support.
We've been trying for two months.
At the start of the relationship I used to go out a lot and so did he. And whenever we argue he brings up that I used to go out and accuses me of stuff. I know truly if he believed anything had happened he would of ended it. I've caught him watching porn and when I've tried dressing up and saying stuff like 'spank me' he just tells me it's slutty and he worries that I behave like that when he's not around. I send him photos all day every day of what I'm doing. Who I'm texting. Where I am. If anyone's been. What I'm eating. I can fart and he knows about it.

I keep finding myself day dreaming thinking I want better. Thinking of leaving him but been scared of been on my own. Waiting for my next period to see if this baby is going to happen. Last night he stayed over and I said 'leave if you want ' and he got up and Said I ordered him out the house and I explained 'it you want' is giving him the option to do something it's it telling him to. He's constantly betting and glued to his phone all weekend. Yeah he earns money so he can but 50+ quid a day on bets and glued to his phone all day and I mean all day!

I have his tea cooked when he's home. Baths ran. House clean. Clothes washed. I even put clean boxers and clothes in the bathroom for his bath. He wants it he gets it but when I say 'most girls wouldn't do this ' it's 'I'll go home then'

Recently I'm crying. I'm miserable. I'm in the house 24/7 with my LO, I barely eat because he wants us both to loose weight ( I'm a size 14) I can't remember when I last smiled or laughed.

Is this normal ? Am I depressed.

I'm not his ex. ( she cheated)
I've never ever been unfaithful to him. I dropped all my male friends. Deleted Facebook. Stopped going out. Stopped slot of things. I can't even go to shop without sending him photos
I love him,a lot! But my heads about to burst here!

Maverickismywingman Mon 13-Mar-17 12:55:27

I really think you should rethink trying for baby number two with this man.

user1489407754 Mon 13-Mar-17 12:56:18

I am rethinking massively! X

LIZS Mon 13-Mar-17 12:56:52

Don't get pg. He isn't committed to supporting your family and if you are miserable so early in the relationship I think you are likely to end up a lp to 2 sooner or later. How old are you?

SookiesSocks Mon 13-Mar-17 12:57:24

No it is not normal!!!!

And i will damn well judge any couple who are trying for a baby but wont live together just so the state can pay for the upkeep!!!

End the relationship do not have a child with this man.

NerrSnerr Mon 13-Mar-17 12:58:04

After a year you should still be in the honeymoon period and not arguing all the time. He's not bothered about supporting a family and he doesn't trust you. I would personally end it with him.

Bananalanacake Mon 13-Mar-17 12:59:49

He is controlling and possessive, a normal, loving partner would never make you drop friends, delete FB and send him photos of where you are.
If you don't live together why are you bothering to cook and run a bath for him and clean for him. it's your place, he doesn't share it with you.

user1489407754 Mon 13-Mar-17 13:00:33

I'm 24.
I get loads of support off my sons dad but he even hates me talking to him when he has our son 2/3 times a week.

He says maybe if we have a nanunwe move in together , it'll be different. But something's telling me it won't.
I'm so scared of been on my own though.

Ineedmorelemonpledge Mon 13-Mar-17 13:01:11

He doesn't want to move in, but he wants you to shoulder the responsibility of a baby and a toddler by yourself?

Sounds like a nice way to keep you indoors for a very long set of weekends to come my lovely.

Can you imagine the response you'll get when you ask him to babysit his own child so you can go out?

I think I can.

Please reconsider before you create a whole casserole of mess you can't get out of, and tie this asshat to your side for the next 18 years.

user1489407754 Mon 13-Mar-17 13:02:14

I'm just trying my hardest to make him happy. A few months ago he told me his ex used to get up every morning and make him breakfast before work. So what idiot started setting alarms for 5.55am! And making him breakfast. Bringing it up for him. Then cleaning up and brining the pots down after he had gone to work? Me?
Funny thing is when I spoke to his mum she told me his ex was lazy and never even lifted a finger in the house :/ I'm just a mug aren't I?

Happybunny19 Mon 13-Mar-17 13:02:37

Stop trying to conceive now and finish this awful relationship. After that spend some time alone and rethink what type of partner you want to find in the future. You really are setting the bar as low as it goes with your choice of men so far. A baby doesn't make a shit relationship work and this is an awful situation for your existing child too.

MorrisZapp Mon 13-Mar-17 13:09:00

I judge you, yes. No child should be brought into this clusterfuck of a 'relationship'. From what you say, you don't value yourself very highly. Do you value your kid? This man will massively impact their life chances. Is that a worry to you?

BadTasteFlump Mon 13-Mar-17 13:10:50

There is nothing good for you in this so called relationship.

You know deep down that you are only with him because, as you say, you are scared of being on your own.

The only way to get over that hurdle is to dump this controlling, potentially dangerous man and then look your fears straight in the face - work out why exactly you are scared of being on your own, and deal with that.

If you are struggling to find the strength to leave him for yourself, do it for your 18 month old. Think about the damage his behaviour will no doubt have on your baby and if he/she deserves that kind of shit in their little life sad.

And hell yes you are probably depressed. It would be strange not to be when you have a complete arsehole treating you like shit on a daily basis. I wouldn't mind betting your depression will start to get better the moment you get this man out of your life.

user1489407754 Mon 13-Mar-17 13:13:32

He is amazing with my son and I don't wanna effect him aswellsad

BadTasteFlump Mon 13-Mar-17 13:15:33

He is not amazing with your son! I can 100% guarantee he isn't because he is making you, the mother of that child, completely miserable. He is driving you into depression and potentially making you so ill that you are unable to look after your child properly. Does that sound 'amazing' to you?

MorrisZapp Mon 13-Mar-17 13:19:54

Is he on his phone all the time or is he amazing with your son? You can't remember when you last smiled or laughed, is that amazing for your son? You have to text him all day to tell him where you are, instead of focusing on your son. It's amazing you think this is ok.

ErnieAndBernie Mon 13-Mar-17 13:22:43

Is this normal? - No, it isn't. I think you know it too. I'd get out while you still can and are not tied to this man. He sounds like a grade A cock lodging nightmare.
Why are you scared of being on your own? I think you may find reserves of strength and confidence you never knew you had if you give yourself a chance to find out. You child does not deserve a step father like this, you do not deserve a partner like this and you should not bring a baby into a relationship where you need to ask yourself these type of questions.
Lose weight? I can suggest about 12 stone you can lose overnight.

Learn to rely on yourself before you end up tied to an awful relationship that drowns you. You are bending over backwards for a person that won't lift a finger for you. Are you depressed? Most likely, and this relationship is the reason why.

Do yourself a huge favour, get rid and live a life you and your child can relish not one that will make you permanently anxious.

scoobydoo1971 Mon 13-Mar-17 14:10:24

If anyone - male or female - put an alarm on for 6am so I could cater for them, then they would be doing a fine impression of that crocodile out of Peter Pan for years to come. Your man must have run a colonial plantation in his last life...

Stop trying for a baby with this lunatic and start focusing on what is wrong here (i.e. your self esteem has run away and needs to find its way home). He treats you badly because you let him and he has largely taken control of you as a non-person who serves his needs, He thinks a baby will shackle you down to him for years of devoted service. You are now in slave-mode indulging him with bath routines, food and telling him your every-move which is giving him 'permission' to impose more and more rules on you. He is not even prepared to live-in and financially support you as he gets what he needs from you, and the State pays for it. If you had a job then you would have financial independence and a life outside the home, as well as a source of self-esteem. That is harder to achieve with 2 infants at home, and when your domestic standards don't serve him first as you juggle two babies then he will be off for his next target. You have 20 years to add to the brood, and preferably with a man who treats you like a human being. If you don't feel you can quit the relationship for yourself, do it for your child. No child should grow up witnessing this 'fine example' of an adult relationship.

KinkyAfro Mon 13-Mar-17 14:18:28

I despair sometimes, I really do

Smellofpaint Mon 13-Mar-17 14:25:14

When is he amazing with your son? Not when he's on his phone all weekend, not when he's spending £50 a day on betting, not when he's arguing with you and threatening to leave. Tbh Im quite shocked. Why oh why would you be trying to have a baby with him?

hellsbellsmelons Mon 13-Mar-17 14:54:24

Controlling, possessive, you do everything for him to make him happy!?
What does he do to make you happy?
He clearly doesn't trust or respect you.
You need to get out.
You also need to contact Womens Aid and sign up to do their Freedom Progamme.
Get back in touch with friends and get back on facebook.
Reconnect and you won't be alone.
You do NOT need a man to define you!!!!!
On your own is better than this crappy controlling shite.
Freedom Programme - do it fast!!!

maras2 Mon 13-Mar-17 15:44:39

If he's eating meals regularly at yours you are likely to be committing benefit fraud whether he stays over or not.
Be careful or you will lose your IS.
Best get rid of him or at least double up on contraception.

JK1773 Mon 13-Mar-17 17:19:54

What exactly does he do for you apart from make you miserable! Please don't have a child with this man! Respect yourself more and kick him to the kerb

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