Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

WWYD?? Happy marriage+ just found out "DH" cheated at beginning of relationship.

(167 Posts)
IntoTheNightToSaveTheDay Mon 13-Mar-17 10:16:21

I am floored. Been married 8 years, together 10. 3 little DS together, 2, 5, 8 plus a DSS, 22

Back story. Met DH a few months after he left his first marriage, His XW wanted him back but he didn't want to. I kept asking him if he was sure it was over as I didnt want to get in the way if there was a way back. But he was adamant it was over. I was 24 and a bit naïve tbh, At my age now I would have steered clear of a newly-ish separated man with a child

Things moved quickly and we were head over heels. He moved in with me after a month (I know it was too quick) we were talking marriage, children, neither of us felt like this before etc. He was seeing his DS (who was 12 at the time) fairly regularly too although things weren't good with his EXW she wasn't happy he had a new gf constantly cancelling access and messing DH about. I didn't meet DSS as wasn't appropriate.

Then 8 months in he walked out after a minor row. I went to work as just thought would blow over but when I came home all his stuff was gone and his key through the door and a note saying it was over. I was devastated, he wouldn't answer his phone or anything, I had no idea where he had gone. I rang his work and they said he had rang and quit that morning. I was so worried as was just totally out of character.

After a few days he got in touch and asked to see me. He said he had made a mistake but that the row had made him panic he would lose me and could we take it slowly and see each other again. He said he was staying with his brother. I hadn't even met his brother so just had to take his word for it. So he was texting me all the time and coming over most nights still staying over sometimes but going back to his brothers. I realise how mad all this sounds btw and how much of a twat I was for accepting this but I just wanted him so much. Pathetic ay. Anyway for about a month this shit behaviour continued until I had had enough, he was clearly messing me about and to just F off and leave me alone even though I was devastated.

A week or so later he got in touch again begging for one more chance, saying he couldn't stand to be apart from me, that it was killing him and he wanted to move back in once and for all and have a proper relationship again like before. Something made me take him back and it was just like it was in the first few months again, better if anything.

DSS wouldn't see him or speak to him for a whole year. DH ended up having to go to court to gain access etc again. It was v difficult at first and my step son wouldn't meet me at all until about 5 years ago. We get on great now and he adores his brothers. He lives away at Uni but often comes home to either his mums or our house. DH and I got married a couple of years after we got back together properly and have had our 3 boys and have been very very happy.

This weekend DSS was at our house. DH was working but me, DSS and DSs were at home. I was getting annoyed because step son was winding up his brothers, it was a silly disagreement but he just suddenly started saying he fucking hates me, I ruined his life, he will never accept me, and all this just completely out of the blue. Then he said that there are things I don't know about DH, that he is a liar and a cheat. Anyway it turns out that the time where DH was messing me around he was seeing his ex wife again (DSS mum). He says he was all excited as he thought his dad was coming home but then his dad left again and got back with me and that is why he refused to see him for so long. A big part of me felt absolutely terrible for DS sad I just somehow stayed calm and waited till later to confront DH.

DH's side of the story is that DSS mum wanted him back and said if he didn't come back he couldn't see DSS. So he pretended to his EXW that he was willing to get back with her and they were meeting up and going out as a family etc because he was so desperate to see DSS. He says he didn't sleep with her but I just think that must be bullshit. He says he only stayed one night which was Christmas eve as he wanted to see DSS open his presents. This actually tallies with what DSS said, that he slept over on that night. DH claims he slept on the sofa that night, what absolute clichéd bullshit angry . He says it was true he couldn't be apart from me and he told EXW that he didn't want to come back and that he just wanted access to DSS and not see her in any way other than DSS mum. This explains why DSS was so angry with his dad and wouldn't meet me - I am the reason (in his eyes) that his mum and dad aren't together.

I don't know who or what to believe. If he had have been straight with me at the beginning about where he had been and why he was acting like such a dick head I would have been angry but I probably still would have taken him back! Its the lies that have just completely killed me. That in those few weeks he was texting me all the time and coming to fuck see me while secretly playing fucking happy families with his child and EXW who he had sworn he was over angry

I told him to get out yesterday and go to his mums. I don't want to see him. I don't know who he is. TEN YEARS of so called happiness and I find this shit out.

Aquamarine1029 Mon 13-Mar-17 11:38:53

This was 10 YEARS AGO. Are you really willing to throw away a happy marriage for a dumb mistake he made 10 years ago when he was emotional and confused? Yes, he fucked up, and yes, he behaved like a twat, but how have the last 10 years been? Has he been faithful, supportive, and a good father? If he has I think he deserves your forgiveness. Let it go and move on.

Starlighter Mon 13-Mar-17 11:52:23

I think u are over-reacting, sorry.

You entered into a messy situation with a newly separated man with a kid involved, then U were on and off, on and off, and then the situation got even more messy and you're surprised?! I think u were a being a bit naive.

It was years ago and all's ok now. Let it go, move on. Be happy with a guy that made one mistake in 10 years for the sake of his son.

How do u think his ex and DSS felt...

Thefitfatty Mon 13-Mar-17 11:54:27

I think if there's been no hint of him being a cheat or an idiot in the 10 years since, you should forgive him. However you are totally in the right to be mad that he wasn't more honest in the beginning.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Mon 13-Mar-17 12:00:17

If you believed all his pleas to take him back at the time it's likely because he meant them. If he was playing happy families with her then you wouldn't have even crossed his mind would you? It's unlike me to take a man's side but on this occasion I think he is telling you the truth. .

BadTasteFlump Mon 13-Mar-17 12:27:09

I can understand that finding this out must have been a terrible shock.

I think you need to give yourself time to get your head around what's happened and then see how you feel. As you and others have said, it wasn't the best idea in the world to get so involved, so quickly with a man who had only just left a marriage with children. It's no surprise that his head was all over the place and his loyalties were screwed.

But I also think that this doesn't have to mean the end for your relationship, if and only if in the ten years since he has done everything right, made you happy and been completely loyal to you. I think if that is the case, he deserves another chance - because the 'real' him is most likely the man you know now, not the person he was when he was coming out of a marriage and his head was probably all over the place.

I can completely understand why this has floored you though. Be kind to yourself and give yourself all the time you need flowers

Paddington68 Mon 13-Mar-17 12:31:50

It was 10 Years ago. He is with you. You have built a family and a life together.
I really appreciate you are hurting, because you have been lied to, but we can't correct the past.
DSS is hurting too and has something to throw at you when he doesn't agree with you. He wanted a reaction and he certainly got one.
Are you going to allow the little s*&t to cause this much damage?
Your husband is going to strive for damage limitation and he might not even remember certain dates and time.
He is with you now, after all the mess and bollocks, he is with you, you have made a family. Hold on to all of that and not a few weeks of madness long ago.

IntoTheNightToSaveTheDay Mon 13-Mar-17 12:56:32

I can't get my head round it

He's been the model husband for all this time. He is an amazing dad and just so lovely to me and all the boys. makes me feel so loved everything is (WAS) good we still have great sex as well. sounds silly it just goes to show you never really know someone sad

If he was fucking his exw at that time I will never forgive him he says he wasn't but he would!!! I don't know that do I! If he wanted her over me even for just a short time then I can't forgive that.

I have this image in my head of 2 women basically fighting for his attentions and him being like a dog with 2 cocks loving it

I've had MIL on the phone 🙄🙄🙄🙄 asking what has gone on and I've told her it all. I have asked her if he wanted his EXW back and she says she remembered they were "friendly" again (what the fuck does that mean 😡) but that she "doesn't remember". I think she does remember and I think she's trying to do damage limitation so I don't believe her necessity (his exw stopped her seeing DSS for a few years as well when DH and exw split so prob worried she won't see my boys )

IntoTheNightToSaveTheDay Mon 13-Mar-17 12:58:08

And I reckon H manufactured that row to give him an excuse to dump me but I reckon he was hedging his bets and that makes me furious

Underthemoonlight Mon 13-Mar-17 13:08:17

I know people are saying it's 10 years ago but that's quite a relevation personally I couldn't be with someone who messed me about like that. I totally get what your so angry.

Orlandointhewilderness Mon 13-Mar-17 13:18:07

Bloody hell, we are talking of throwing a decade of a good relationship away here. It was a messed up situation anyway.

I wouldn't be calling the DSS a little sh*t though, that must have been very confusing and hurtful for him.

IntoTheNightToSaveTheDay Mon 13-Mar-17 13:18:53

It's made it raw

The thought I was unwittingly in some "competition" between his ex and me makes me so angry

In fact fuck it scratch what I said before I think if I knew he was doing what he was doing I'd have been like, fucking well go to her then. I'm not some alternative choice I should be the ONLY fucking choice

BadTasteFlump Mon 13-Mar-17 13:20:35

Of course you're struggling to get your head around it - you only found out this weekend.

Give yourself a chance - it won't have even sunk in yet. See how you feel in a few more days or even weeks. You don't have to do anything for now - just take each day as it comes and look after yourself.

BadTasteFlump Mon 13-Mar-17 13:35:32

cross posted with you OP.

Ok so clearly you're very, very angry. Not surprisingly.

But just try to take a deep breath and think things through. You are looking at this now with the perspective of his wife for the last ten years. But at the time you were just his new girlfriend. This woman was still his wife, with whom he had children. Can't you understand how his loyalties weren't clear at that point?

Actually from an outsiders point of view, it could be said that his loyalties should have been with the woman he was still married to, and had children with, to try and make things work if he could. You were just his new girlfriend at the time, whatever you may have said to each other.

You seem to have decided that he was intentionally deceiving you both and enjoying a bit of a power trip. Can you not even consider that he was just really confused, as people often are if they get into rebound relationships?

You could say that you are both really lucky that your relationship has worked out so well (as you say it had, up until this weekend). Bearing in mind that you got together whilst he was going through a divorce, you are actually really bloody lucky that it worked out so well in the end.

In short, he can't genuinely be a bad person if you have been happy for the last ten years. Can you not give him the benefit of the doubt at all? Even just if (for now) you're doing so for the sake of your DC?

BadTasteFlump Mon 13-Mar-17 13:37:40

The thought I was unwittingly in some "competition" between his ex and me makes me so angry

Being very blunt here - you put yourself in that position when you chose to get involved with a man going through a divorce. Yes you were young and probably didn't realise what you were getting into, but that doesn't mean you weren't responsible for getting involved with a (still) married man.

IntoTheNightToSaveTheDay Mon 13-Mar-17 13:43:19

I agree I was naive Badtaste but he absolutely assured me it was definitely over that had been a long time before they split up etc etc (I see now that that could have been bollocks)

I don't think I've even begun to process it at all yet

I just know I do not want his lying cheating face anywhere near me

IntoTheNightToSaveTheDay Mon 13-Mar-17 13:44:17

"Confused"

That's what I mean if he really loved me then surely there would be nothing to be confused about

histinyhandsarefrozen Mon 13-Mar-17 13:47:43

You poor thing, it must have been an awful shock. I would be hurt and furious too.

Can you get to some joint counselling? I think it would be helpful to thrash it out with a third party there (to hold you back from thrashing him!)

xStefx Mon 13-Mar-17 13:48:43

I appreciate why your feeling hurt OP but this was 10 years ago and as you have said he has been a model husband since. Sounds like he was young and confused and was trying to do what he "thought" was the right thing .

BadTasteFlump Mon 13-Mar-17 13:49:36

Ok, so he said it had been over a long time before they split up. Don't we all say that in retrospect, because it is usually true. You know in your head a relationship is dead in the water but then for various reasons it can take months or years to have the balls to do something about it - particularly when you have children.

Doesn't mean you won't make a mighty fuck up of ending that relationship properly before starting another one if you try and move on too quickly. Which is why people say time and again that you should have plenty of time on your own between relationships.

But you and he didn't - you got involved when things were still messy, clearly. In the mean time you have had three children together. For their sake, just give it time before making any decisions. Anger clouds everything. When the mist clears a bit you might not feel as bad as you imagine.

BadTasteFlump Mon 13-Mar-17 13:52:29

That's what I mean if he really loved me then surely there would be nothing to be confused about.

But isn't that the (slightly naive) 24 year old speaking here? Love doesn't always 'conquer all' - especially not when you've just come out of a long marriage with children.

He may have thought you were the love of his life - but that wouldn't have stopped him feeling sad/guilty/remorseful about the family that he had just walked away from.

Hacpac Mon 13-Mar-17 14:15:26

I'll come at this from a different angle. Being a bloke, I totally get why he was trying to play happy families with his ex wife threatening this that and the other. Have you any idea how you would feel if your children were being used as pawns in a game? It's a very difficult position to be in.

It's is also possible He may have slept with her too. You will never know that though so don't overthink it. It is possible he did sleep on the settee. I have done this with my ex wife before. I didn't sleep with her.

It's heartbreaking knowing that you are going to lose contact with your child or at least fear that you might and at the time playing happy families with you was probably the last thing on his mind.

However, he did come back to you, you have had 3 children with him and for me it's what he has done in the last 10 years that matter

How have you got an 8 year old by the way? Doesn't tally with the rest of your info

Aquamarine1029 Mon 13-Mar-17 14:16:18

You are blowing this WAY out of proportion. Yes, you have the right to be hurt and upset, but to jeopardize a loving, successful marriage of 10 years is INSANE. Have you considered that just maybe, way back then when your husband was going through and INCREDIBLY stressful time, that his going to stay with his ex was EXACTLY what he needed to get himself sorted out and to realize how much he truly loves YOU? He made a mistake before you were married 10 YEARS AGO, and not with a stranger for a piece of ass, by the way, and you're going to destroy everything over it? Now all the happy years you've had don't matter anymore? Also, blabbing to your MIL was a HUGE mistake and totally inappropriate.

QueenofallIsee Mon 13-Mar-17 14:27:13

I would be livid as well, and at the very least I would insist on your DH being honest with his son i.e. he was the dickhead and he regrets that but it was not your fault.

You married him, you love him and he loves you. He left his marriage before he met you but no doubt that was a whirlwind of emotion - i myself went back and forth at the end of my marriage but there was no pleasure in that, it was more that I knew it needed to end but the ties were very strong regardless.

Be angry and tell him so, but don't throw your happy marriage away for this

Peanutbutterrules Mon 13-Mar-17 14:27:37

I realise how hurt you are, and understand but maybe counselling is the right move rather than going nuclear?

The threat of stopping contact is a horrifying thing for any parent. Try to imagine what that's like - it causes all sorts of pain and is a very powerful tool of manipulation and control. And it partially worked - a whole year of no contact. Can you not see what he's been through?

You have 10 years of happiness to protect, and why would you want to throw that away without trying to sort it? It really isn't a competition between you and his ex...and if it is...you won (but you seem keen to throw the prize away).

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now