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Could i ask advice about extrovert introvert relationship?

(17 Posts)
ShaniaTwang Mon 13-Mar-17 06:02:47

My marriage ended because among many problems was my husband's withdrawal into his bedroom and barely talk to me. I felt emotionally abused by the stonewalling and ignoring, he felt that I was too much and nothing would ever meet my emotional needs. A hug and a chat would have done just fine, I think.

I have been single for over a year and recently met a lovely man. He seems stable, caring, interesting and we seem compatible.

I am trying to be relaxed but I can't help but feel terrified of getting into a similar situation again. He has said he doesn't feel the need to make a range of friends or follow the crowd. While being lovely when we meet and lovely company, he is quite distant in between these times (very few phone calls, not much chat over whatsapp).

Am I setting myself up for a fall by falling for someone who I will have the same or similar problems with as my ex h? I absolutely do need regular emotional connection with my partner. Perhaps I should look for someone with extroverted tendencies like me?

glassspider Mon 13-Mar-17 07:57:36

There is a big difference between enjoying your own company, as introverts do, and stonewalling and ignoring ( which is abusive).
Wold you mind describing your ex husband's behaviour a little further? When he retreated into the bedroom, was it because he needed his own space and quiet time to relax, or was it to hurt you in some way? When you say stonewalling and ignoring, was he doing it deliberately to hurt you? Or was he just quiet?
The new guy sounds nice, provided he is kind to you and treats you with respect. I would give the relationship a chance, but if time goes on and you feel you need more constant interaction, end it and look elsewhere.

TheNaze73 Mon 13-Mar-17 08:05:20

I think the new guy sounds very promising. It's early days, so don't set yourself up to sound really needy with constant text & phone call reassurance in between dates. Most people lead busy lives & the need for constant check in's can be really draining & a deal clincher for a lot of people.
After what you went through with your ex, I can see why you might feel like you need this but, honestly don't let that sway your judgement on him.

ShaniaTwang Mon 13-Mar-17 14:13:48

Gosh thank you so much for your replies. Yes with exh the withdrawal became a way to hurt me - ie I'm fed up with you so I won't speak to you until a grovelling apology materialises. Or, I don't want to have the friends over you have invited so I will stay in my room. Or, I don't like your behaviour recently so you do not deserve birthday presents. That sort of thing.
New guy does seem kind and respectful but very early days. He does seem to initiate quick hellos by message, we do go on regular dates and has booked for us to go away together, so I think he's interested in a relationship with me, but I suppose I'm wondering if another introverted person may again find me 'too much' ie I am talkative, I connect by talking and I do like to have emotional connection with my partner. Perhaps I am better suited to another extrovert who needs to communicate and process/ off load in a similar way?

oldestmumaintheworld Mon 13-Mar-17 14:25:43

It's early days yet, but I would start to explore his friendship group. Does he have any close friends or people he's been friends with for a long time. Does he show an interest in your friends and what you do when he isn't around. These would be indicators for me of whether or not he can connect with people in a sustained way over a long period. If he can, then things should be ok, if not, well....

The other relationship critical issue (for me as an extrovert) is what does he initiate? Does he come up with ideas for dates. Does he make arrangements for things you can do together that he thinks you'll both enjoy. As a 'talker' myself I understand exactly where you're coming from and really need to be with someone who is as sociable as I am and likes to talk. See how it goes from the next three months.

ShaniaTwang Mon 13-Mar-17 15:00:28

Thanks oldest. So far the most significant relationships seem to be with exes and family. He does seem interested in my friends, but not overly so.

He does come up with ideas for dates but I get the impression he'd probably prefer to stay in most of the time, which is OK by me as we are both parents and pretty knackered.

I think yes it would be a deal breaker for me not to be able to talk as much as I need to, which isn't excessive I don't think - I don't get upset about family friends or work ever as all are pretty stable, but I like to process things I've been thinking about like things going on in the world or coming up with ideas for my work, which isn't excessive or obsessive. I'm more than happy to talk things through, move on and quieten down as well!

ShaniaTwang Mon 13-Mar-17 15:02:32

He does have work friends he sounds close to, and I will ask a bit more about old friends too

glassspider Mon 13-Mar-17 18:32:19

It sounds like your exh's behaviour was nothing to do with being an introvert - most introverts do not act like that. Your exh sounds like an arsehole. It sounds like the new guy knows you're more extrovert and likes you for you. I would give him a chance.

ShaniaTwang Mon 13-Mar-17 19:11:25

Thanks glass. It's good to hear that. It was so awful being in a relationship like that. He was an introvert as well as hugely unkind and controlling.

New guy does seem completely level, if a bit distant when we aren't together, but again, lovely in person. I'd just love to be in contact more, but he seems not to, so I'm trying to be as unpushy as I can without being a total wimp, but also without being needy or clingy. It's a hard balance, but early days so just trying not to get too attached!

yetwig Mon 13-Mar-17 19:26:45

my hubby is quite happy with his own company, me on the other hand can talk the hind leg of a donkey. We get along great, no problems. I

n fact this is the best relationship i have ever had smile

Prawnofthepatriarchy Mon 13-Mar-17 20:30:04

I'm an introvert and the behaviour your Ex displayed is not introverted. It's plain old nastiness. Introverts are shy, live in their own heads. Introverts like one to ones rather than groups

I'm a widow, but was very happily married. My DH was an extrovert and I'm not. I loved his capacity to make instant friends, to be the life and soul of the party. He loved my analytical thinking and my gift for intimacy. The two types can complement each other very successfully.

CluelessMummy Mon 13-Mar-17 20:42:11

As an introvert myself, this doesn't sound like introvert behaviour to be honest - I would never retreat into my bedroom and stonewall my extrovert DH! This was rude of him at best and abusive at worst. Our introvert/extrovert relationship works well because he is happy to go out and socialise with friends and let some steam off, and in return I get a night alone with Netflix, which is utter bliss. When you say he doesn't text, how long are you talking? Hours? Days? Weeks? That's quite an important detail.

ShaniaTwang Tue 14-Mar-17 15:57:15

Gosh really thank you for lovely replies. So helpful. Prawn, so sorry for your loss flowers. It's really lovely to hear of loving, balanced introvert/ extrovert relationships. I think the longest he doesn't text for is 24 hours and previously we had been messaging hugely but before we had become closer in person, if you see what I mean.

Adora10 Tue 14-Mar-17 16:01:59

I wouldn't worry at this stage especially about the distance between seeing him, absence makes the heart grow fonder anyway and I'd hate this daily texting about rubbish really; judge him on his actions when you see him, he sounds promising.

You were right to get out your last relationship, we all need that emotional connection.

disappearingfish Tue 14-Mar-17 16:06:19

I'm an introvert, DH is an extrovert. When we're tired or cranky or stressed he wants to go out, I want to stay in with no one talking to me! It has caused a bit of hassle in the past but mainly we get on very well.

It's a myth that introverts are shy btw.

Prawnofthepatriarchy Tue 14-Mar-17 16:12:26

Thanks for the flowers, OP. Yes, it's a terrible loss, but I've seen two friends go through really horrible divorces and at least I have so many happy memories, and my lovely DC and DSD.

ShaniaTwang Tue 14-Mar-17 20:47:24

Thanks all. Yes prawn happy memories and wonderful dc are wonderful.

It's really nice to hear about positive introvert/ extrovert relationships. I think I need to focus on whether he is right for me more broadly before becoming too attached and then unable to think straight! It's nice to hear you feel he is promising, I think he is too but I don't want to lose myself and my priorities for what I need, I think I've been through too much to ever give them up again!

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