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Sad, lonely, confused... long term DP - shall I give up?(36 Posts)
I've name changed for this as I've posted quite a bit under my usual name with quite identifying info.
Background. Been with dp for 4 years; initially did 'long distance' and quite casual / slowly, saw each other once a week etc, gradually got more serious and 2 years ago I moved jobs and cities to move in with him.
Both first time really serious relationship; I'm late 20s he early 30s. Things were great for the first 12 months of living together and I honestly wondered what all the fuss had been (in terms of 'oh you'll really get to know him when you move in' etc etc. Was really happy, really glad we'd taken the leap and things were good.
Towards end of last year I felt dp was beginning to take me for granted - little things really - not pulling his weight re: housework; leaving dishes for me to do after I've cooked etc. At this point I'll add we both work full time. I've pulled him for it a number of times and he will help out for a week or two and then it's back to the same again, with me doing everything bar putting bins out ()
The other thing I will mention is that dp has quite big debts from before I met him - lots of credit card debt and a previous gambling problem. (Historic, 10 years ago +). He earns good money working anti social hours but a lot of his earnings go towards clearing the debts. Our financial agreement when we moved in together was to begin with halves on everything - but then ended up as DP paying rent and me paying all DDs and getting groceries etc (I earn quite a bit less than DP).
Over the past 6-9 months dp has paid our rent late about 4 times. This really stresses me out because I have no savings and can't afford to bail him out - by the time the rent is due the direct debits have been paid and I have little remaining! It's causing no end of arguments on top of feeling taken for granted - DP blames his debts. I have asked him repeatedly to sit down with me and let me help him - we got as far as writing a list of them all and all outgoings and income and to be honest the figures just didn't quite add up. DP should have money to comfortably pay the rent and his creditors and have money left over - when I pointed this out (before Xmas) he said his 'New Years resolution' was to allow me control over all finances to help him get on top of it all.
Fast forward to now - that promise hasn't happened and the rent is late again this month. I'm not sure how much more I can take. I've raised the fact he promised me he would allow me to help with the money situation - all I ever get from him is promises for the future. Like now - 'once I've paid the rent I promise I'll start giving you xx per week for you to manage' . It's such a long story - there is much more to it than this. This is just the tip of the iceberg. I do love him I really do, I used to 100% see a future with him, but now... he works so many hours he's barely here which is killing our relationship. I just don't know what to do.
Thanks for reading if you got this far. Please be gentle! I'm feeling delicate tonight
I would leave him. He's not being transparent about money and debt and you are grinding yourself into the ground trying to make ends meet as well as doing all the bloody housework.
Something is going on. Either he's with someone else, so spending money and time that way, or he has considerably more debt than he told you and continued to hide this when you asked him to be transparent, OR he's buggered if he's going to spend his wages on rent and will let you do it for the hell of it.
Whatever it is, it's not good. And he treats you really badly. You might love him but you shouldn't put your bar so low in a relationship.
Oh this doesn't sound good. I'd be very concerned that if his figures aren't adding up, that he's either got other debts or is gambling again or a spending problem.
And the housework thing sounds like he basically thinks that's down to you cos you're the woman, and it's just taken this long for that mask of equality to slip.
It's not looking good.
Hidden truth about extent of debt or gambling. He's not being honest with you. In my experience (9 years of lying, gambling, lack of transparency about his money situation and me taking responsibility for all household bills etc) it never goes away! You deserve better.
Oh and blaming his debts - his creditors only get paid after the rent and basic life expenses, they don't get paid first (I don't believe they are, I think there is something else here, but anyway).
It's taking the piss to put both of you at risk of losing your place.
I am glad you all instantly jumped to gambling too. I didn't write that in my initial post - I wanted to see if I was just jumping to silly conclusions, as I've been made to feel when I've queried it. I'm not naive and I've asked about gambling and he denies it of course. makes me feel like a lunatic for even suggesting it.
Something is wrong and causing him stress. I don't recognise the person my dp is becoming. He used to be so laid back, relaxed. He is increasingly angry and short tempered; road rage etc, I have never seen this side to him before. . And in all honesty I don't think it's something he's been hiding, I think he is stressed about something, all his family joke about him being laid back. I just want things to go back to how they were before. I don't want the past 4 years to have been for nothing. I don't want to end things; I want to fix them but he just buries his head in the sand whenever I try to talk.
Yep. If the money's not adding up he's gambling again.
He's also behaving lazily and disrespectfully.
I would make plans to leave. Thankfully you aren't married or have children.
You sound lovely, honestly, he's not the only man out there and you are so young!
Oh, and acquaint yourself with the concept of 'sunk cost fallacy'. Spending 4 good years with someone isn't a reason to spend 40 bad ones with them.
What everybody else said. Esp about sunk cost fallacy.
You've stated your not-unreasonable conditions: greater transparency, more equal splitting of chores, security, and he's stonewalling you (and maybe even gaslighting, based on what you said). And breaking promises.
Turn it around. Why does he get to set the timetable? Why don't you?
Re your comment:-
"I don't want the past 4 years to have been for nothing. I don't want to end things; I want to fix them but he just buries his head in the sand whenever I try to talk".
Do read up on the sunken costs fallacy. It causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.
People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs as you are now.
There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavor.
Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”
This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.
You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped. You are too close to be of any real use to the situation anyway, not that he wants your help at all. It takes two to make a relationship work and this man is not talking. I would also think he has gambled throughout your relationship as well, that never went away.
I would make plans to leave.
Leave him. Lies about finances are as bad as affairs in my eyes.
No good will come of this
Google 'Sunk cost fallacy'
Don't waste more of your good years on this guy.
He will drag you down.
You are young enough to get out and and start again.
Sorry you are going through this. I think you know what you have to do, in your OP you said 'people say you don't really get to know someone til you live with them' well, here you are.
Count yourself lucky to have noticed before you have joint debts or the responsibilities that come with having children.
Me again, back again.
Things have come to a head today. I'm not sure I can take much more - looking for a hand to hold - inspiration - motivation to go really. I'm scared.
I omitted things from pp - i felt embarrassed and humiliated. In January 'd' p said that my weight had become an issue for him - tbf i was fed up with it too and have since lost 2 stone - plan to lose more! At the time he said part of the reason he pays rent late is because he's unhappy about my weight and doesn't know how to broach it without hurting my feelings so he gets reckless with money. I'm long enough in the tooth to know this sounded like manipulative bollocks and said so - and made it clear I'd lose weight because I wanted to - not for him.
Arguments have been more and more frequent. My best friend got married a few weeks ago and on the morning of her wedding we woke and I asked the time. 'D' p said 7:08 but I misheard and thought he said 7 or 8! I said; 'well which is it? 7 or 8?' He again said 7:08 but it sounded like 7 or 8 - I said I'm still confused - what time is it?! DP did no more than thrust his fist into my face under my chin - it didn't hurt tbf but it did shock and surprise me and made me scared for that minute or too. I couldn't cause a scene as it was my best friends wedding so things carried on.
Today he was coming home to watch grand national and was late - then he rings to say 'pause the race' so I did. He turns up home and just played the race while I'm in another room, without checking I'm coming through. I mean he came in, walked straight through to where the TV was and pressed play. All I said was 'oh gosh bit cheeky - you make me wait for you and pause the TV, then just play without me being there even though I waited for you ' - (aware of how pathetic this sounds and now I'm starting to think maybe he's right and this was MY fault). As soon as words left my mouth he picked up a cup of coffee and threw it at the wall and it smashed. Then came over and put his hands on my throats and said what a horrible bitch I am - because as soon as he walked through the door I started nagging and putting pressure on. I cried for 3 hours.
He never showed even slightest violent tendencies until January - or even emotionally abusive. I recognise the stuff about my weight and the manipulation - & the continuation to piss about with money was manipulating me - I don't understand. As per previous posts I think maybe gambling - and think maybe today he had a big bet on grand national hence his anger. I don't know.
I need to leave dont I?
Dear god, yes you do. He's been violent. Your weight, nagging etc etc...just bullshit reasons that don't justify anything he is doing.
I'm so sorry you are upset and being treated like this. You don't deserve it.
Are you safe? Can you call the police? Is there someone, a friend or family member that can come and support you?
He's dangerous. I'm worried about you - you need to get him removed from your home.
Oh my god- YES!! Seriously, you can rent a room in most areas for a few hundred quid a month. I'd be looking to pack a bag and going to stay with a relative until you can sort proper living arrangements (e.g, renting a room/ house/ moving in with family etc) seriously, this man is dangerous and you need to get out, now!
OMG yes you need to leave. I was in total shock reading your post. That he would stoop so low as to blame your weight for his failure to pay the rent? My jaw was on the floor! Thank goodness you don't have kids. Leave as soon as you can, the violence is seriously dangerous, I would be scared. I'm really sorry for you, but you are young and free and the world is your oyster.
OP - what do you think you can do right now to be safe?
Please leave him.
It sounds like you know you need to
I am safe don't worry. He works until 6-7am so he won't be back tonight - and he will be fine as long as I stay buttoned and say nothing - I'm learning (I'm joking - bad taste I know) . But please don't worry about me. I'm fine tonight. I just need to box cleverer until I can get some money together to move out of here. I live in a city a bit of a distance from friends and family (moved here for DP) so leaving immediately is not an option. I'm so sad it has come to this and just don't understand the transformation in him. But I grew up in an abusive household- my dad used to regularly hit my mum and i won't stand for it. 😡
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