I've name changed for this as I've posted quite a bit under my usual name with quite identifying info.
Background. Been with dp for 4 years; initially did 'long distance' and quite casual / slowly, saw each other once a week etc, gradually got more serious and 2 years ago I moved jobs and cities to move in with him.
Both first time really serious relationship; I'm late 20s he early 30s. Things were great for the first 12 months of living together and I honestly wondered what all the fuss had been (in terms of 'oh you'll really get to know him when you move in' etc etc. Was really happy, really glad we'd taken the leap and things were good.
Towards end of last year I felt dp was beginning to take me for granted - little things really - not pulling his weight re: housework; leaving dishes for me to do after I've cooked etc. At this point I'll add we both work full time. I've pulled him for it a number of times and he will help out for a week or two and then it's back to the same again, with me doing everything bar putting bins out (
)
The other thing I will mention is that dp has quite big debts from before I met him - lots of credit card debt and a previous gambling problem. (Historic, 10 years ago +). He earns good money working anti social hours but a lot of his earnings go towards clearing the debts. Our financial agreement when we moved in together was to begin with halves on everything - but then ended up as DP paying rent and me paying all DDs and getting groceries etc (I earn quite a bit less than DP).
Over the past 6-9 months dp has paid our rent late about 4 times. This really stresses me out because I have no savings and can't afford to bail him out - by the time the rent is due the direct debits have been paid and I have little remaining! It's causing no end of arguments on top of feeling taken for granted - DP blames his debts. 
I have asked him repeatedly to sit down with me and let me help him - we got as far as writing a list of them all and all outgoings and income and to be honest the figures just didn't quite add up. DP should have money to comfortably pay the rent and his creditors and have money left over - when I pointed this out (before Xmas) he said his 'New Years resolution' was to allow me control over all finances to help him get on top of it all.
Fast forward to now - that promise hasn't happened and the rent is late again this month. I'm not sure how much more I can take. I've raised the fact he promised me he would allow me to help with the money situation - all I ever get from him is promises for the future. Like now - 'once I've paid the rent I promise I'll start giving you xx per week for you to manage' . It's such a long story - there is much more to it than this. This is just the tip of the iceberg. I do love him I really do, I used to 100% see a future with him, but now... he works so many hours he's barely here which is killing our relationship. I just don't know what to do.
Thanks for reading if you got this far. Please be gentle! I'm feeling delicate tonight
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Relationships
Sad, lonely, confused... long term DP - shall I give up?
lonelygirl1234 · 12/03/2017 22:35
I would leave him. He's not being transparent about money and debt and you are grinding yourself into the ground trying to make ends meet as well as doing all the bloody housework.
Something is going on. Either he's with someone else, so spending money and time that way, or he has considerably more debt than he told you and continued to hide this when you asked him to be transparent, OR he's buggered if he's going to spend his wages on rent and will let you do it for the hell of it.
Whatever it is, it's not good. And he treats you really badly. You might love him but you shouldn't put your bar so low in a relationship.
Oh this doesn't sound good. I'd be very concerned that if his figures aren't adding up, that he's either got other debts or is gambling again or a spending problem.
And the housework thing sounds like he basically thinks that's down to you cos you're the woman, and it's just taken this long for that mask of equality to slip.
It's not looking good.
I am glad you all instantly jumped to gambling too. I didn't write that in my initial post - I wanted to see if I was just jumping to silly conclusions, as I've been made to feel when I've queried it. I'm not naive and I've asked about gambling and he denies it of course. makes me feel like a lunatic for even suggesting it.
Something is wrong and causing him stress. I don't recognise the person my dp is becoming. He used to be so laid back, relaxed. He is increasingly angry and short tempered; road rage etc, I have never seen this side to him before. . And in all honesty I don't think it's something he's been hiding, I think he is stressed about something, all his family joke about him being laid back. I just want things to go back to how they were before. I don't want the past 4 years to have been for nothing. I don't want to end things; I want to fix them but he just buries his head in the sand whenever I try to talk.
Oh, and acquaint yourself with the concept of 'sunk cost fallacy'. Spending 4 good years with someone isn't a reason to spend 40 bad ones with them.
Me again, back again.
Things have come to a head today. I'm not sure I can take much more - looking for a hand to hold - inspiration - motivation to go really. I'm scared.
I omitted things from pp - i felt embarrassed and humiliated. In January 'd' p said that my weight had become an issue for him - tbf i was fed up with it too and have since lost 2 stone - plan to lose more! At the time he said part of the reason he pays rent late is because he's unhappy about my weight and doesn't know how to broach it without hurting my feelings so he gets reckless with money. I'm long enough in the tooth to know this sounded like manipulative bollocks and said so - and made it clear I'd lose weight because I wanted to - not for him.
Arguments have been more and more frequent. My best friend got married a few weeks ago and on the morning of her wedding we woke and I asked the time. 'D' p said 7:08 but I misheard and thought he said 7 or 8! I said; 'well which is it? 7 or 8?' He again said 7:08 but it sounded like 7 or 8 - I said I'm still confused - what time is it?! DP did no more than thrust his fist into my face under my chin - it didn't hurt tbf but it did shock and surprise me and made me scared for that minute or too. I couldn't cause a scene as it was my best friends wedding so things carried on.
Today he was coming home to watch grand national and was late - then he rings to say 'pause the race' so I did. He turns up home and just played the race while I'm in another room, without checking I'm coming through. I mean he came in, walked straight through to where the TV was and pressed play. All I said was 'oh gosh bit cheeky - you make me wait for you and pause the TV, then just play without me being there even though I waited for you ' - (aware of how pathetic this sounds and now I'm starting to think maybe he's right and this was MY fault). As soon as words left my mouth he picked up a cup of coffee and threw it at the wall and it smashed. Then came over and put his hands on my throats and said what a horrible bitch I am - because as soon as he walked through the door I started nagging and putting pressure on. I cried for 3 hours.
He never showed even slightest violent tendencies until January - or even emotionally abusive. I recognise the stuff about my weight and the manipulation - & the continuation to piss about with money was manipulating me - I don't understand. As per previous posts I think maybe gambling - and think maybe today he had a big bet on grand national hence his anger. I don't know.
I need to leave dont I?
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I am safe don't worry. He works until 6-7am so he won't be back tonight - and he will be fine as long as I stay buttoned and say nothing - I'm learning (I'm joking - bad taste I know) . But please don't worry about me. I'm fine tonight. I just need to box cleverer until I can get some money together to move out of here. I live in a city a bit of a distance from friends and family (moved here for DP) so leaving immediately is not an option. I'm so sad it has come to this and just don't understand the transformation in him. But I grew up in an abusive household- my dad used to regularly hit my mum and i won't stand for it. 😡
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