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For those in long term relationships what do you think of this? 15 signs you are not in love....

(36 Posts)
Mrstumbletap Sun 12-Mar-17 21:42:17

I know this probably isn't written by a relationship psychologist, as I stumbled across it on Facebook, but what are your thoughts?

Do any of you agree or disagree with any of the points on the list?

Mrstumbletap Sun 12-Mar-17 22:14:40


MorrisZapp Sun 12-Mar-17 22:17:20

That's the biggest piece of crap I've seen in a long time, and I see plenty of crap on my FB feed.

Why have you linked it?

Squeegle Sun 12-Mar-17 22:18:06

Too many annoying pop up ads to continue with it!

FourToTheFloor Sun 12-Mar-17 22:18:14

Is this for click bait hmm

Herdingcows Sun 12-Mar-17 22:20:48

15 signs of the patently fucking obvious

Mrstumbletap Sun 12-Mar-17 22:40:39

Just reading it made me think, oh dear I have been with DH for quite a while and can't say all those are true. So wanted to hear what other mumsnetters in long term relationships thought. If you all think what a load of rubbish, that makes me feel better.

Smidge001 Sun 12-Mar-17 22:43:47

Surely you know whether you're in love with your husband or not confused.

Mrstumbletap Sun 12-Mar-17 22:55:00

Oh blimey ladies, I was thinking a conversation would start with "I have been with my DH for 28 years so he butterfly's aren't there but the others are true". And someone else to chip in with "number 4 is probably true but not number 7 etc". And hoping to have an interesting conversation about love stemmed from a silly Facebook link.

But blimey accused of click bait, why have you put the thread on here questions and it's pretty fucking obvious comments. sad

So you all agree with every single one? After 10/20/30 together years you get butterfly's when you see your DH?

AnyFucker Sun 12-Mar-17 22:57:10

Could you just copy and paste the 15 points ?

I don't want to wade through 100 ads and collect a fuckload of location pointers. Cheers.

Mrstumbletap Sun 12-Mar-17 22:59:00

Ah good idea, I will try.

PickAChew Sun 12-Mar-17 22:59:52

On previous reports, not clicking.

After 7 years together, I knew pretty well that I wasn't in love with ExH.

After 14 years together, I know pretty well that I love every fucking irritating bone in DH's body!!!

Mrstumbletap Sun 12-Mar-17 23:01:29

1) You’re not excited anymore.

At the beginning of a relationship, your eyes light up with happiness when you see your partner or have a fun conversation with them. Do you feel restless or bored when you spend time with your partner, or do you look for ways to stay back at work or stay out more often with your own friends? You’d know you’re not in love anymore if your partner just doesn’t excite you anymore.

2) You want to change your partner into another person.

You might feel that you can change your partner into the person you want to be with, but there are two hard truths for you here: First of all, people don't change when you want them to. Second and most important; if you were truly in love, then you would like your partner for who they were, with their flaws and everything.

3) Your partner irritates you.

Your partner may be watching tv, preparing dinner, or just having a conversation on the phone. It doesn’t matter what they do, but every now and then, you’d just have a sudden urge to scrunch up your face in annoyance or grumble to yourself. You may have no idea why, but the very sight of your partner may start to irritate you.

4) You two don't talk much.

Conversations intimately connect people. If we lose this piece of our relationship, then there is no common ground for us to meet and find each other. Conversations are what make us smart, interesting and sexy to one another. When we start telling outside sources all we used to tell our partner, this is a clue the love is dying. If you reach for your partner to share your thoughts and feelings and there is no interest, to save your relationship you will need seek help to get these parts of the relationship in sync again or consider if its time to call it quits.

5) Sex has become a task.

Once sex becomes a task, the love and lust in the relationship quickly go downhill. To stay in love, both partners will need to make the sex an eventful place to want to be. Without sex you are roommates — perhaps a roommate you love but one whom you are not in love with.

6) You’d rather be with friends.

When friend time provides us more love and connection than time with our partner, we are starting down that slippery slope of getting the majority of our needs met outside of our relationship. When all we talk about with our friends is the negative aspects of our relationship, it is a sure sign we have fallen out of or are no longer in love with our partner. When you see this pattern happening, try communicating with your partner about it and gauge their interest in fixing it, otherwise you could be headed toward a split.

7) You are not attracted to them.

When you are madly in love, no matter what your partner looks like, you still can’t keep your hands off them. But when you may no longer be feeling the love, you also don’t feel attracted. You find excuses to not touch each other anymore. When you start cringing at the thought of being intimate with your loved one, all signs point to the love being gone.

8) You fish for compliments.

It might sound weird, but fishing for compliments means that what you really care about is boosting your self confidence. Maybe your partner is there to satisfy this need, but are you truly in love with them?

9) You’re depressed about your home life.

No matter what you do in life, you’re going to have good and bad days. Your relationship is no different. However, no matter what you’re going through at home, you have to feel comfortable in your own home. If you constantly dread going home because your significant other is there, there’s a problem. Maybe it’s something you already know about, everyone has an argument or just needs some alone time.

10) You aren’t comfortable being yourself.

Remember all those things you discovered about yourself when you first got together? The way your partner made you feel when you met that made you fall in love with him or her in the first place. If they don’t make you feel that way anymore, it’s not the end of the world. If your partner makes you uncomfortable about being you, then he or she is only dragging you down. It’s up to you to decide how to handle that.

11) You feel like you're distanced from each other.

When you find yourself tuning out, seeking distractions, and making a conscious effort to avoid connection and intimacy, it’s time to step away from the source of your pain. You might still wear each other’s rings or live under the same roof, but if you’ve severed the emotional bond or you’re slowly letting it unravel, you may as well make a clean break.

12) Negative energy is all around.

Feeling uncomfortable or tense around someone is just your body reacting to the negative energy surrounding the two of you. Negativity can drain you mentally, physically and emotionally. We’re forced to deal with this stuff, but your SO should be a reprieve from that type of stress.

13) Your relationship doesn't make you happy

Almost all couples have fights and conflicts, and do things that annoy each other. But ultimately, most of them are happier for having their partner in their life. However, if being with your partner makes you feel a lot of things, but "happy" is rarely one of them, it's worth it to really reassess your relationship.

14) You feel that something is missing.

Falling out of love is difficult to explain. It’s not easy to put this feeling into words or even put your finger on it. With that being said, you might feel one thing — that something is missing. Having this sensation of emptiness is a big sign. So, if you’re feeling that something is missing, and it’s not just your keys, it might be that you’re locked out of love.

15) The butterflies have flown away.

Where have all the butterflies gone? When you are no longer in love, it appears the butterflies have flown away. And I bet, you sure miss it. If your partner is sending you sweet loving text messages and you don’t even feel one little flutter, there might be something in the air. And it ain’t a butterfly. It’s the possibility that you have fallen out of love.

Mrstumbletap Sun 12-Mar-17 23:04:12

Obviously some on there are more obvious indicators that you don't love someone. But the one about butterfly's made me think oh, surely not everyone feels butterfly's all the time?
DH and I text each other we love each other and miss each other, and when I get a text like that I smile and it's nice but I don't get butterfly's, when he comes home I don't get butterfly's, I did when we got together, but after a decade I don't feel that when he walks in the door! I think cool he is here I need to nip to the shop to get chilli powder for dinner!

Mrstumbletap Sun 12-Mar-17 23:06:34

And maybe number 1, how would people define 'excited?' Are you excited in your relationship after 10/15 years?!

Ratbagcatbag Sun 12-Mar-17 23:11:35

I agree on these but I'm just separating from my dh who I've been with for 15 years. For me the key ones were sex being a task, no conversation and seeking relationships (as friends) with others rather than discussing stuff with dh.

But I'm pretty much there on all of them.

BertieBotts Sun 12-Mar-17 23:16:24

It's not you that's being accused of clickbait but you must be able to recognise the article is clickbait.

I wouldn't set too much store by it. It will have been written by someone in about 30 seconds, you can get paid (very, very little) to churn these things out, they make money off all the ads on the sides (mine were all porn which was... nice) and so the actual content of the article has just come off the top of someone's head with no research or thought, it might even have been written by a content generating robot or stolen from other sites.

I think numbers 1 and 15 are just bollocks.

Numbers 2, 3, 4, 6, 10, 12 are surely signs that you should never have been with the person in the first place.

5, 7, 9, 11, 13 are probably signs you're not that into them.

8 is just a bit WTF really.

I reckon the thread would be more interesting if it was more open ended though like "What do you think are the signs of still being in love when you've been together a long time?" or "How do you know if you're still in love with your partner?" or "What are some signs that you've fallen out of love?" because to keep referring back to a poorly written list is a little tedious IMO.

Mrstumbletap Sun 12-Mar-17 23:36:00

Ah ok yeah I guess that thing is click bait, whenever I open things like that I just go straight to 'reader view' in the top search bar and it removes all the ads and is just text. I guess not everyone does that so they see ads and rubbish.

I agree with a better link would have been 'what are the signs you are still in love? I get them occasionally too and read them and think awww but when one pops up like that, it makes me think surely not everyone agrees with every single one? But you are probably right, I doubt a lot of relationship research has gone into knowing whether they are all genuine indicators of love.

JoJoSM2 Mon 13-Mar-17 00:06:12

I suppose it's just different... when I first met DH - I used to literally get butterflies in my stomach and go weak in the knees. I also found it all very exciting and often couldn't sleep after a date. These days, it's different to the first few weeks. However, I still often look at him and think (and say) how gorgeous he is, how handsome he looks etc. And still feel very proud walking down the street holding hands with him ;) Generally, though, if the items on the list started to sound familiar, I'd think it's time to work on the relationship.

pringlecat Mon 13-Mar-17 00:32:36

Having survived the end of a long-term relationship, I would agree that these signs are all valid, however are bloody obvious.

Especially 7. For many woman, sexual attraction and romantic love are linked, so it's entirely possible to find someone sexy at the start of a good relationship then when things are on the rocks, find them mildly repellent. It's true what they say about rose-tinted spectacles - love can make someone much more attractive than objectively they are.

BertieBotts Mon 13-Mar-17 00:33:43

Sorry, I meant that I felt it would have been a more interesting thread here, OP, if you'd taken the subject of the article and made it into an open ended question so we could have a discussion about it smile

EllieEllaBella Mon 13-Mar-17 06:42:23

Most of those points apply to my relationship, I'm well aware that we are on our way though.

The butterfly point is a weird one, I don't think butterflies last longer than a few months.

EllieEllaBella Mon 13-Mar-17 06:42:43

Way out that should have said.

TheoriginalLEM Mon 13-Mar-17 06:52:44

So now every time i open mn i have to fick about trying to rid my phone of a virus hmm

Oblomov17 Mon 13-Mar-17 07:37:24

Oh dear, some of those apply. But then aren't they supposed to, after 15 years?

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