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How do I handle this....

(40 Posts)
OonaLoona2 Sun 12-Mar-17 21:01:36

My husband and I have been married less than a year, been together around 10 years, have 4 children.
A few years ago I had a text from an unknown number. It was someone telling me my husband was messaging her inappropriately, flirty and suggestive. I confronted him, he was 'terribly sorry' said it was a blip it would never happen again etc etc. About a year after that I found some messages on his phone. He was talking to another woman. Telling her that I was awful and he would leave me for her in a heartbeat and lots of suggestive messages. i have no idea how he knew either woman. Again on confrontation he was very sorry.
Fast forward to today and I get a facebook message from a woman saying she's really sorry but my husband is messaging her. He starts off by saying 'do I know you from.......' and then goes on to flirty messages like how cute they look in their profile picture and can they be friends, nothing too serious but messages a married man should not be sending. She then goes on to say he sent her the same messages a few months back and it looks like he's just forgotten he's already tried it on with her. She has told him to leave her alone and to send her no more messages. The messages are from last night.
She then messages again to send screenshots from one of her friends and she has the same kind of messages from him too. Neither woman know him. He seems to have randomly picked them on Facebook.
What the actual fuck do I do? He's obviously sending these kind of messages to lots of women isn't he?
I don't know how to handle this situation at all.

SleepingTiger Sun 12-Mar-17 21:03:25

The handling comes next, what do you feel about it? Is it a deal breaker?

ImperialBlether Sun 12-Mar-17 21:05:02

He sounds really predatory. I wonder what he's like with women at work.

Does he seem like a sleazy bloke?

IsNotGold Sun 12-Mar-17 21:05:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gallavich Sun 12-Mar-17 21:05:18

Surely this is game over?

mnpeasantry Sun 12-Mar-17 21:06:03

Doesn't sound like you want to leave him and doesn't sound like he will ever stop.

I guess you have the choice of either letting him know each time he is found out and accepting whatever reassurances he gives you (which are surely meaningless by now), insisting on counselling to deal with his desperate need for validation from disinterested women, turn a blind eye or leave him.

It sounds really rubbish and sorry you are dealing with it.

AnyFucker Sun 12-Mar-17 21:08:05

What do you mean "What do I do" ?

If it isn't immediately obvious, I am not sure what to say to you

highinthesky Sun 12-Mar-17 21:09:25

Apart from the obvious questions you must have, with 4 children how on earth does he find time to stalk women?

OonaLoona2 Sun 12-Mar-17 21:13:36

I feel partly to blame. God I hate how that makes me sound. I am not the most attentive wife, I try but life and kids kind of get in the way.
If one of my friends told me this story I would tell her that he does not respect her or their marriage or any part of their life together and that she should leave. But the reality is that I feel I can't. Not because I love him and can't be without him (I do love him, obviously) but logistically I feel like I am tied to him, financially, and he is a good dad, how can I take that away from our children? Financially I would never manage. I don't have a career. I had children young and have always stayed at home with them.

JK1773 Sun 12-Mar-17 21:14:11

What sinister behaviour, looking for random women online to message them and harass them. He sounds really odd and creepy. Why would you want to be with someone who behaves like this? My ex did this by text to one of his exes. I had no idea until the Police called. I think you need to face facts, this is not going to stop. What a horrible man.

SleepingTiger Sun 12-Mar-17 21:17:02

Good dads collect stamps, or vinyl records or family photographs. They do not collect details of females online.

DrScholl Sun 12-Mar-17 21:19:48

collect STAMPS? wtaf

AnyFucker Sun 12-Mar-17 21:22:56

It is only a matter of time before someone reports him to the police and he is summonsed for his behaviour

What will you tell your children about their "good" dad then ?

GTS Sun 12-Mar-17 21:24:35

Crikey this man sounds like an actual stalker?!!! I dread to think how many women he is randomly messaging.
You can make excuses all you like, and I do understand your reasons, the financial ones at least, but your DH sounds predatory and the whole situation is really quite alarming. You are not to blame in any way, shape or form.
Seriously, reconsider a future with this man.

SleepingTiger Sun 12-Mar-17 21:27:25

Yes, amazing isn't it. Without wishing to derail the thread it is called philately.
Apparently, the majority of stamp collectors have an IQ above average, excel in their walks of life and are incredibly rich.
What an incredible resource Mumsnet is.
You can learn something everyday!

ImperialBlether Sun 12-Mar-17 21:28:32

I would be waiting for the police to be on the doorstep, given all this.

In fact I don't think it would be infidelity that would make me dump him as much as the sheer creepiness of him. If ever anyone deserved the tag 'sex pest' it's this guy.

FedglingFTB Sun 12-Mar-17 21:36:24

At least you know that his complete lack of respect doesn't just apply to you, it's all women. His behaviour is disgusting on so many levels.

dontcallmethatyoucunt Sun 12-Mar-17 21:40:54

He's stalking women OP, it's not normal, acceptable behaviour. He needs help.

bluejelly Sun 12-Mar-17 21:42:17

Oh you poor thing OP, how horrible. I'm afraid that round be a dealbreaker for me...

NB can still be a good dad if you split up. I had/have an excellent relationship with my dad despite the fact that he cheated on my mum and they split up when I was 12.

JK1773 Sun 12-Mar-17 21:50:01

You are not to blame at all. His behaviour is nothing to do with you, it's all down to him. I can't imagine what is going on in his head to behave like this. It's not normal and it's not a reaction to any problems in a relationship. We all have ups and downs but we don't resort to stalking strangers on the internet. It really is creepy frightening behaviour.

emilybrontescorset Sun 12-Mar-17 22:28:39

He is a sex pest and should see help.
You are not to blame .

Bizzysocks Sun 12-Mar-17 23:38:52

Sorry you are having to deal with this op.

It is not acceptable behaviour but I don't see how he is stalking these women, I think some pp are being very dramatic saying he is and the police will be at your door.

Enough101 Sun 12-Mar-17 23:49:07

Your husband is the one 'taking that away from the children', not you. Sorry to break the news, but he is a wanker. He knows you feel that you can't leave because you're financially tied to him and he is exploiting the fact. What a nice surprise it would be if you told him you weren't putting up with his bollocks and you would rather be doing than living with someone who has such little respect for you. He's not going to change, he has already shown you that, loud and clear.

Enough101 Sun 12-Mar-17 23:49:50

Rather be skint, not doing. Bloody phone.

category12 Mon 13-Mar-17 06:36:52

What I think you should do, is make yourself an exit plan. Make yourself more employable and talk to a solicitor about your rights/assets. Then when you are in a decent position, break it off.

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