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Am I really overreacting?(33 Posts)
Basically me and DH (3 years married, 9 years together) are on the brink of a seperation. We have a DD aged 2. He lost his job, he lied to his boss and got found out. He was sacked and basically lost his car, bonuses and a very good wage. I'm furious. I feel let down again...throughout our relationship he has lied, mostly about stupid things but also huge things like money. It resulted in us all most losing our rented home twice, baliffs entering/breaking into our home and him eventually declaring bankruptcy. Flash forward to us finding out about our pregnancy, he promised the earth. So I took a chance, got married and had our little girl. He came through on his promises and landed on his feet with the job he has just been fired from. I changed my job to accommodate him (he worked away mon-fri, and I worked weekends) this meant I could finally start learning to drive (something that has been put off for years due to the financial mess), giving me the tools to go back to college to get into nursing (something that was put on the backburner because we couldn't afford for me to go into full time education) and we were going to use his bonuses and my weekend wage to save for a deposit on a house for when he came out of bankruptcy. Our DD started dance once a week, our life was actually on the up from years and years of crap. Now this brings us back to now, he has no job. I've had to cancel my driving lessons, the savings have all most gone in paying for bills, our DD has had to cancel her dancing lessons, my future is on hold again and he is basically jobless. I'm furious, he lied. After years and years of putting up with him storming out like a child, having to call family to find him as we live in a village and I don't drive, locking me out of the house, leaving me at work without any way of getting home, putting up with his lying about money, working multiple cleaning jobs to keep our head above water until he sorted his mess out, and for what? To go back to where we started except this time we have a baby to feed. I just can't look at him. My mum says I'm wrong and he is isn't a bad guy. The same bad guy that bought me a plant for my first mother's day? Like I didn't have enough on my plate keeping a newborn alive. The guy that messed the finances up so badly that I had to fight with baliffs for over a year on my doorstep. He doesn't abuse me, has never lifted a hand to me and is the most amazing Dad you will ever meet, but as a life partner? I really feel let down. I wanted another baby but now we can't even afford one. I just don't know, I'm beside myself. When I'm sat here wondering how I'm going to pay for our little girls dinners next week, I just can't help but hate him. Is my mum right? Would I be making our situation worse by breaking up my daughter's family? I honestly don't know. Sometimes I wonder if this is the straw that broke the camels back...
Ok so he seems to fit the jolly uncle view of a great dad. Great at playing games, throwing them up in the air. Not so great at providing the basics of life, cherishing and supporting the mother of his child and basically being a stable and reliable good influence and role model in his child's life.
Being able to meet the standards in my last sentence is my definition of a great dad but sadly a lot of people accept very low standards from men, including your mum.
You are not over reacting. You and your DD deserve and need security and to be able to live your lives without him and his needs overtaking everything.
He can still be a great dad to your DD even if you are apart. You can be an even better mum if you are apart if you will be calmer, less stressed, less resentful and able to build security and a good life for your DD.
In your shoes I would separate.
Well, he may have his good qualities, but he has a serious problem with lying and financial mismanagement.
I think you should probably consider whether you want to be with someone like this, who may never change his ways.
Really sorry you're going through this - sounds very hard.
I'm a bit confused by some of your post but your partner sounds like he's financially irresponsible and highly unrealistic.
You don't say why he lost his job - if it was unavoidable and because he behaved in the usual irresponsible fashion I'd be furious too.
In my experience, for some reason many older female relatives push for their daughters/nieces etc to 'try to make it work'.
Personally if you are passed the point where you can trust him and rely on him then the relationship is over and you're better off making a clean break.
You are not overreacting. Anyone can make a mistake, but constant lying is just not acceptable.
I agree that he can still be a good dad after you've separated; if you stay with him he is going to drag you under with him.
No you're not over-reacting. I don't know what the lie was he told his boss but must have been serious to get sacked. My current partner likes telling fibs and he once actually walked out of a job but lied and said they hadn't renewed his contract (he was temporary). I found out though. We had just had a baby so had 2 kids to support but he went ahead and did it anyway. I then had to use all my extra maternity money I received from my work to keep us afloat until he got another job. I'm still resentful of this.
I'm now in a situation where although he has a fairly secure job, I still resent what he did and we are now on the verge of separating. Its just a tell tale sign that he is selfish and only thinks of himself. This hasn't changed. He doesn't put me and the kids first. It sounds like your husband is the same.
I guess you have to question if he will ever change. It sounds like he is putting himself first and men like this rarely change.
You should split up IMO, you will be much more secure financially without this millstone round your neck messing up your life. He's a liability.. get rid.
DH got sacked because at a routine meeting with his boss, he was asked if my DH had finished a set of portfolios that he should have put in a month before. The portfolios were worth £15,000 each to the company and he had three outstanding. He told me he had lied to his boss, claiming he had left them in a hotel room but he would pick them up and finish them. It was all to buy himself more time. Obviously his boss panicked, thinking that these portfolios that the company would become misplaced over the weekend (plus the company was already losing money on because my husband hadn't completed them on time) contacted the hotel only to find out about the lie. I'm heartbroken for my little girl, I'm furious with DH and I am upset over the fact that I can't just get out of cleaning jobs and finally start my nursing. He always does something to mess it up. I'm just sad about the whole thing. I'm all most 28 this year, my husband is 12 years older. I feel like I have given my entire 20's to this man only for him to thrown it back in my face. I feel stupid and scared. No one agrees with me, they all believe I shouldn't hurt him further because he already lost his job through his stupidity, therefore I shouldn't take his family away as well. They understand I'm upset but just keep telling me that it was because I had become used to a certain way of living, when it isn't that at all. He has lost his job in the past many years ago due to no fault of his own, and I helped by taking on another job. I'm hurt about how he lost his job, not the fact he lost it. I can't seem to make his or my own family understand and it's very isolating.
Hard to read with a huge block of text
But short version - he brings in no money and costs a bloody fortune? Yes he is a liability, no idea what your mother is thinking!
But...you are married now? Will you have to pay him something?
Can your mum get her head out of her butt and then help you at all?
I'd also question why he hadn't met his deadlines at work in the first place. They were already a month overdue?? why? Doesn't sound good.
Sorry for the lack of paragraphs, I'm texting off a phone. I don't realise how mucb I've typed until I post.
OP, I don't think you are over reacting. If someone lies to you, it just makes you wonder what else they've lied about.
He's utterly unreliable and seems very selfish
My husband was/is the same, just not as bad a situation as yours.
Great in some ways, but turned into a habitual liar, and would spend loads of money behind my back. It never affected us in terms of paying bills etc, but it cost me a lot of money to keep us afloat.
I warned him I was close to leaving and couldn't take it any more, lent him some money to fix his sole account and said things had to change.
And then he spent all his money again.
The lying and thoughtlessness were worse than the spending. Not only would he hide it from me, he would also lie to me when I asked him about it, and I f the threat of me leaving wasn't enough to make him change, I'm obviously not a high enough priority, so I left.
He's not a bad guy, but I deserve better and refuse to live my life like that
if anyone tells you that you should stay together, let them live with him and get dragged down.
It sounds like he was very bad at his job, he had not done what was required of him then lied about it, and probably very obviously so as they wouldn't have phoned the hotel if they trusted him. I suspect he was not simply fired for lying but for poor performance as well.
The fact this is a forty year old man simply makes it worse. He's not a kid. But he has one, he is a husband and a father and he has responsibilities. He's never going to change, he's already forty, I'd get rid, you're young enough to start again and your daughter deserves a more secure life.
I think your DH is a chancer and a risk-taker, OP. He's turned it around before and he thinks that he'll do it again. It may be that he gets bore and self-sabotages.
None of this is of much practical use to you atm of course. But my point is he ain't gonna change.
It's a very good point, he obviously knew he was wrong or else he wouldn't have made promises about turning over a new leaf when our LG was born.
I wasn't obviously high on his priority list but what hurts is, if he couldn't do it for me why could he not of done it for his daughter? She must not be high on his priority list..
He had told me the portfolios was just a case of signatures, he had side tracked them for other paperwork as getting signatures was a two minute job.
The HR manager actually said this has nothing to do with your job performance, he was doing more then expected. He even got the company a new contract in the north east. It was literally because he lied to the company director's face. He worked for a high end security firm that dealt with national contracts, trust was paramount in his job.
What was worse, when he went to turn in his laptop, phone, car etc. The HR manager asked for the portfolios and he handed them over completed with the signatures. He said that she had shook her head at him, I said to him it was because she was disappointed. You literally lost your job for nothing because portfolios that had caused all the problem, had been submitted by you completed and signed at the time of your sacking. I called him a selfish *ickhead.
The thing is, people don't change.
Can you live like this for the rest of your life?
So on top of al the financial awfulness - he locked you out of your house and abandoned you at work more than once?
Your mum is insanely wrong. He's an awful, lying, abusive, immature idiot. He will never change.
Have you told your family about the other stuff he's done, or have you covered up and minimised it?
Both sides of our family know how bad it got. DH was told by his father that he was lucky that I stayed, as he didn't think most people would have after he messed us up financially.
My mum believes any man that doesn't hit his wife, gamble or is nasty to his children is is worth fighting for. My Dad wasn't a nice man, she spent 20 odd years with him. So any man that doesn't do the things he did, basically is better then sliced bread.
She forgets that relationships can break down for many other reasons, I just feel so stuck. Like, I'm the one being selfish and should stick by him through better or worse. Which I feel I have done, for 9 years in fact.
He had a mental breakdown due to the financial mess, he behaved stupidly and without thought in the lead up to the breakdown. I felt I had to forgive him for everything he had done, but it still hurts to this day as had it of been me, I would have pulled him closer not push him away.
Everyone keeps telling me I'm wrong, and I should fight for my LG's family. Honestly I don't see why I should be the one to fight for it all the time, whilst all he does is break it down. You tend to lose the will to fight for someone that does nothing but lie and hurt you. He doesn't seem to want to fight for it, why else would he act the way he does?
I just feel very lonely, I've been with this man all my adult life. I don't know the first thing about making it on my own, let alone with another little human in tow. Not having support for my own family makes it all the more scary.
You're only 27, you have your whole life ahead of you. It can be a pretty pleasant, stress free life without this man, without having to worry about what curveball he's going to throw at you next.
Yes it'll be hard at first. But you and your daughter will be all the better for it.
Don't make the mistake I did and just carry on, put up with it, accept it etc. I'm still with my dp after over 15 years and he hasn't changed one bit. I now blame myself for my sh*t situation as I could have (and should have) dumped him years ago. I now have the guilt that my poor kids will suffer if I do leave. Your child is only young so will not affect her much. Don't wait until she old enough to understand.
So he's 40 now and he's still a feckless idiot?
He's not going to change. You MUST protect your DDs future here. The longer you stay with him, the further he's going to drag you down. You need to cut your losses and get out NOW.
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