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Caught DH in a lie...

(147 Posts)
NoMoreMarbles Sun 12-Mar-17 19:51:40

Ok... background first... DH and I have been married for 10 years and together for 13, 1 11yo DD...DH has a history of lying to "get out of trouble" <<<< his words and saying he's scared of upsetting me so he lies to spare my feelings hmm he had a period of time about 7/8years ago where he began to be very secretive and I KNEW something was amiss but true to form, he lied and lied until I proved what I thought was happening (seeing someone- it was an online sext type of thingangrythough never met the OW in person- he thought this wasn't cheating!)

Anyway, before Christmas I had a gut feeling I couldn't shake off so I asked him outright and he insisted nothing was going on and I was being paranoid... I sobbed my heart out and apologised and he happily accepted my apology angryangry and we moved on... about 2 weeks later I found out he had started smoking again (non smoker for 10 years) so I convinced myself it was that that I had a feeling about, had a talk with him about the smoking- I'm honestly not bothered either way but as his grandfather died of throat and lung cancer I told him he would be the one to explain to his daughter why he is putting his health at risk etc etc etc he has stopped again apparently.

Fast forward to last was my friends 40th birthday party and we both made a big effort and scrubbed up well and we're having a nice time. I was chatting to another friend to my right and DH was sat very close on my left. My friend got up for some food so I turned back to him and saw a text message that he was about to send that had 10+ kisses (xxx) at the end and he was very quick to stow away his phone when he saw I had turned back to him... I brushed it off as I was assuming that it might have been his mum or our daughter until he thought I wasn't looking and had his phone out replying to the message he had just received... the message was full of kisses from someone called Dan M... and when I asked him he lied and said it was from his friend Joe! He refused to discuss it saying "not here" when I told him I didn't believe him... fair enough we were in a party so it could wait till we were going home.

Once we returned home I asked him and he lied about it all again, refused to show me his phone ( I wouldn't snoop but I'd seen what he didn't want me to see and his refusal was tantamount to guilt IMO) as we had both had a few we fell asleep after arguing about it and I woke up at around 5:30. He had gone up to bed but was awake when I went in. I asked him again to explain himself and he has admitted that he has been texting a girl who works for the help desk in his work!angrysad he also told me her name and that it's been going on since before I asked him before Christmas!! He insisted that it's not moved to a physical relationship and never would but how can I trust anything he says?

He's basically cried all day and begged for a second chance and keeps telling me he loves me...

I know it could be worse but it's not the actual texts that bother me (although they do bother me obv) it's the lying! I feel like he just can't be trusted at all and I feel so sad and hurt that he could have that little respect or regard for me and our relationship that he was more than happy to cross the line knowing he would probably get caught ...

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Sun 12-Mar-17 19:54:42

It would be a divorce for me.
The thing is when you forgave him last time you gave him the green light to do it again. .
Don't be a fool again. .

NSEA Sun 12-Mar-17 19:56:29

So this is the second time he has done this to you?

What do you want advice about exactly? You caight him twice and he is lying to cover his tracks and now he's been caught out he is crying and apologetic.

What do you want from the relationship, because if its him to remain loyal amd faithful then you don't have it now. And personally, I doubt you ever can trust him.

pnutter Sun 12-Mar-17 19:56:44

Sorry but I wouldn't give any more chances 😣

Ragdoll545 Sun 12-Mar-17 19:58:41

I suspect he's been cheating throughout the whole relationship with various women and it probably has been physical he just sounds like a liar and is saying what he think is the minimum he needs to say to get away with it. I wouldn't stay with someone like that

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry Sun 12-Mar-17 20:07:55

A nasty cheat. The emotional affair is as horrendous to deal with as the physical.

Ledkr Sun 12-Mar-17 20:08:17

He probably did all the weeping and wailing before didn't he?
Nah fuck him, he clearly will continue to do this for your entire life together, get him gone!

highinthesky Sun 12-Mar-17 20:09:58

Once a liar, OP.

You know what you need to do.

PollytheDolly Sun 12-Mar-17 20:10:48

Kick him out. Nothing worse that a bloody compulsive liar.

NoMoreMarbles Sun 12-Mar-17 20:25:15

I just feel so angry and really gutted that he has done this to us sad

I'm not sure what I am trying to gain with my post but it's cathartic to get it all out iyswim

Thanks for the replies so far.

I always said cheating was a deal breaker but I moved on from the first time and didn't see this coming til I did iyswim... I don't know what to think or feel... I'm mood swinging like mad

Secretlife0fbees Sun 12-Mar-17 20:30:40

Well you can't trust him can you? Even if he never did it again you'd never be able to relax. Apart from the gaslighting the last time when YOU apologised!! What an arse. I would leave him, fuck the crying and telling you he loves you. He's only crying because he's been caught not because he's remorseful! LTB. He's taking the piss out of you and will continue given half a chance. You've let it go once... you shouldn't do it again.

Naicehamshop Sun 12-Mar-17 20:33:04

Will you ever be able to really trust him again, op? sad

Marley45 Sun 12-Mar-17 20:45:44

So he wants a third chance?

I'd divorce him. He's a compulsive liar and a cheat

drowningindaffodils Sun 12-Mar-17 20:46:43

Agree with Secretlifeofbees
He will lie & lie & lie. You should think about how this will impact your life.
Get out. Life's too short.

DownTownAbbey Sun 12-Mar-17 20:53:20

How can he beg for a second chance when he's already had a second chance? He sounds like a sleazy creep.

Notapissingcontest Sun 12-Mar-17 20:55:02

You gave him a chance before and he has done it again. The trust has gone so it would be over if it were me.
You don't know what else he has lied about. Perhaps it's physical, perhaps there have been others. Even if he shows you his phone, you would never know for sure what he has done or will do if you stay with him. He doesn't respect you. What a bastard.

Aderyn2016 Sun 12-Mar-17 21:05:21

My honest opinion is that a marriage can get over infidelity once, but not more than that.
A person can cheat, see all the pain and devastation they have caused, be truly remorseful and with a lot of work on their part it is possible to rebuild trust.

But having done it once and having seen what it did to you, to do it again is utterly unforgiveable. To lie to your face and gaslight is horrific. He knows what he is doing and he doesn't care. His tears are for himself - if he loved and respected you he could never have done this again.

I'm sorry OP. It truly sucks, but imo you have no option but to ltb.

Darlink Sun 12-Mar-17 21:07:42

Well it's your call.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard Sun 12-Mar-17 21:09:55

Once is possibly a bad mistake and recoverable, but more than once I'd say it's habitual. Sorry.

Butterymuffin Sun 12-Mar-17 21:13:37

I would at least tell him he needs to leave and give you space to think all this over. It isn't at all reasonable to lie to you over a period of several months, and then expect you to immediately agree to a 'second (third?) chance'. He needs to back right off, leave and allow you to reflect. This isn't something you can get over in a day, if at all.

AshesandDust Sun 12-Mar-17 21:16:07

This is his MO isn't it - it's who he is.
Your life consists of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Hold your head up high and kick him and his phone out.

troodiedoo Sun 12-Mar-17 21:19:22

So sorry for you OP. It's so easy for others to say LTB. You know that's what you need to do though if you want any peace of mind for the rest of your life. You've tried your hardest. The fault lies with him, he's a weak fool and you deserve better.

JollyBobs Sun 12-Mar-17 21:22:53

He was sat next to you while texting another woman? shock that's fucking horrendous. Not to mention lying about it.

Find someone who deserves your time. Or spend some time on your own. Anything has to be better than this arsehole treating you like that.

zippey Sun 12-Mar-17 21:28:27

His cheating, if you forgive him, will only chip away at your self confidence and mental health. You can't trust him.

pho3be Sun 12-Mar-17 21:31:49

So sorry op, you've only been married ten years and he's done this twice, well admitted to twice and unlikely not to be physical esp as he won't let you see his phone.
I would give him an ultimatum, show me the phone & tell me the whole truth or fuck off.

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