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Girlfriend won't marry me or double-barrel our son's name.

(152 Posts)
drmarcus Sun 12-Mar-17 14:59:37

Our son is due next month. We are not married. I'd really like my surname to be included too but she won't have that. I would also like to marry her and offered to take her name but she doesn't want to marry? I'm beginning to wonder if she has other motives sad does this behaviour sound odd to you at all?

AtSea1979 Sun 12-Mar-17 15:00:37

What did you agree prior to her getting pregnant?

ImperialBlether Sun 12-Mar-17 15:00:48

How well do you get on? Do you live together?

DearMrDilkington Sun 12-Mar-17 15:01:00

How old are you both and how long have you been together?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Sun 12-Mar-17 15:01:05

Make sure you get your name on the birth certificate. .
Other than that not much you can do.

theaveragewife Sun 12-Mar-17 15:02:01

Nope, sounds good to me!

AtSea1979 Sun 12-Mar-17 15:02:34

If you want the same name as you child it sounds like your only option is to change it via deed poll.

bloodymaria Sun 12-Mar-17 15:02:52

What other motives? It all sounds reasonable to me.

Underbeneathsies Sun 12-Mar-17 15:04:25

Maybe she really doesn't want to get married?

Maybe she likes her own name?

None of these desires are unusual or odd.

Whatever the reasons she has, you need to listen to them and respect them.

You sound a bit mystified and rather suspicious of her TBH. I think you need a mediator to help you and her communicate so you can both find a workable solution which suits you both.

Ring a family mediation service as soon as possible.

SummerHouse Sun 12-Mar-17 15:06:07

She is being totally unreasonable. The name is a joint decision. I speak as someone who has two boys with dads surname.

drmarcus Sun 12-Mar-17 15:07:30

I'm 25 and she is 24. I don't know it just didn't seem reasonable. She doesn't want my surname included at all and won't marry? We kind of live together. I'm still at medical school and she has finished uni so I do live with her but a couple of nights I don't because of certain things I have to do for my training.

sophr2017 Sun 12-Mar-17 15:07:35

I can see both sides with this so don't think it's that odd. I'm quite surprised she isn't compromising at all with you though as it obviously means a lot to you; but unfortunately nothing you can do unless you change your name as suggested?

SummerHouse Sun 12-Mar-17 15:08:09

She is not unreasonable for not wanting to marry. Just for not seeing the name as a joint decision.

drmarcus Sun 12-Mar-17 15:08:59

@Underbeneathsies yeah I guess she does like her name? But that's fine but that's why I said it would be nice to agree to double-barrel.

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers Sun 12-Mar-17 15:11:30

If you are willing to take her name then do as pp have suggested and change yours by deed poll. It's quick and easy and cheap to do.

KickAssAngel Sun 12-Mar-17 15:14:07

From the limited info you've given, it just sounds like you want to move the relationship quicker than she does.

What other motives do YOU think she has, as you suspect them? Other people here are clearly missing them, so either a) you just find it hard to accept her decision about marriage and name OR b) there are other factors which you haven't included but which are relevant.

OhTheRoses Sun 12-Mar-17 15:15:30

You haven't got one of those awful names have you? Won't put one because I don't want to offend!

KickAssAngel Sun 12-Mar-17 15:16:10

btw, changing your name when she's said no to marriage etc would be very, very creepy and stalkerish. Please don't.

drmarcus Sun 12-Mar-17 15:16:44

@KickAssAngel no it's not about moving it forward but we are having a child and I would like my surname included. The reason I don't want to change by deed poll is because she isn't willing to compromise at all about our child's name.

stitchglitched Sun 12-Mar-17 15:17:10

Why does she have to have an ulterior motive, beyond just wanting to share her name with her child? It is sensible for mothers to give their children their surnames. In fact it should be automatic, or at least so commonplace that it doesn't arouse suspicion.

Toobloodytired Sun 12-Mar-17 15:17:44

Not sure what her motives are to be fair.

I find it very ex wanted our sons surname to be his but wouldn't marry me so we all had the same last name & when I said fine il change my last name legally to his, he told me it was very weird to have someone's last name you weren't married to hmm

I still to this day do not know his reasoning behind it!

drmarcus Sun 12-Mar-17 15:18:33

@OhTheRoses no, haha smile I know she gets final say and I fully respect that of course I do but I just wondered if there was other motives if she doesn't even want to include my surname at all. Like she isn't hoping to stay in the relationship, etc.

KickAssAngel Sun 12-Mar-17 15:19:17

So what are your suspicions? You're not giving enough info for us to have any insight.

On what you've said it just sounds like she's not ready. You can't push someone to do things you want just because you want them. If you're in a happy, settled relationship and you'll be on the birth cert it's her that is becoming more vulnerable right now, so it seems really unlikely that she has some nefarious plot.

drmarcus Sun 12-Mar-17 15:19:33

@stitchglitched why would a double-barrel name that includes hers cause suspicion?

QueSera Sun 12-Mar-17 15:21:45

Could you put your surname as a middle name? Thats what we've done.

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