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*Trigger warning *Does anyone else find emotional abuse harder to get over than physical?

(25 Posts)
Annesmyth123 Sun 12-Mar-17 12:10:42

Not minimising either I suffered both but I'm struggling more to get the emotional remnants out of my head - I've had counselling and a time on ADs but some days (like today) trigger me for various reasons and i struggle.

Does anyone have any tips? Or can relate?

Annesmyth123 Sun 12-Mar-17 12:15:35

If I don't answer it's because I'm out at the event that is triggering me not that I've posted and run

hesterton Sun 12-Mar-17 12:17:35

Did the 2 types go hand in hand?
I'm so sorry you are having to go where this is triggered. Is there no way of optionING out?

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess Sun 12-Mar-17 12:18:36

I can relate. You can't 'see' the effects of emotional abuse, and often don't even realise it's happening because I think we begin to normalise it. And then suddenly, you think 'fuck, what has happened to me?'. I'm having counselling too - it will take a while but you will eventually get back to who you were before. I was repeatedly told I was thick, a crap mother, fat and ugly - I'm none of those things (I'm not brainy, a super-mum, particularly skinny or stunning either!) - BUT I'm OK, I'm 'enough'. Got to say, the experience has completely put me off relationships, though, because I found it so difficult to realise what was happening.

Annesmyth123 Sun 12-Mar-17 12:19:00

Yes they did. Well, in my marriage they did. DP is lovely and not in the least abusive.

Can't get out of it - family lunch - I've already dodged the christening service because I don't do churches!

Annesmyth123 Sun 12-Mar-17 12:20:36

Jess - yes that's it exactly! I was fat, cow, and he was controlling and it is all so INSIDIOUS I felt like a fool reacting every time when he stood there smiling

JessicaEccles Sun 12-Mar-17 12:24:13

Yes. Ten years later the utter shit he came out with - I was fat, scruffy, was badly brought up, was ordinary looking - still rattle round my head and make me incandescent with rage.
I can never ever forgive him.

hesterton Sun 12-Mar-17 12:24:29

Well stop being so hard on yourself. That was then and you moved on. You have to forgive yourself for an perceived flaws from then. You did your best. And you succeeded in getting away. So be proud of you!

The emotional abuse is so powerful. It lingers like the smell of onion on your skin even after you wash your hands. But it does fade. And eventually go. flowers

Annesmyth123 Sun 12-Mar-17 12:26:10

Are you really wearing that? <head tilt>

Make sure you behave properly around my auntie please.

Go and take that off that's not appropriate.

You don't need a starter hahaha

And would encourage others there to mock me in a "joke"

My anxiety is up to the ceiling sad and I KNOW it's me.

Mathena Sun 12-Mar-17 12:28:29

Yes. I used to struggle with men being loving and kind and thoughtful. It made me feel stifled. I panicked. I fled.
I would never put up with unkindness but the opposite, kindness, left me feeling laid bare. I couldnt accept it. If you cant accept kindness in the beginning men stop offering kindness and the best u get is neutral.
I have struggled with this legacy on relationships.
I hope i am over it now

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess Sun 12-Mar-17 12:33:15

Insidious is exactly the right word! And, unsurprisingly, once they realise they can get away with verbal abuse, they begin to step it up a level. I was never hit, but he used to get right in my face, sometimes pinning my arms behind my back, and on one occasion, spat at me. Cos I was so used to the verbal attacks, I thought this was OK! In fact, the idiot used to tell me I was lucky to have him because he didn't hit me or cheat on me (he did cheat, actually, but that's a whole other story!) It really demeans you, doesn't it? I hate thinking of myself as a 'victim', so I refuse to. Good luck and try to enjoy today!

Annesmyth123 Sun 12-Mar-17 12:35:06

Thanks smile am heading off now. I promise to update later x

hesterton Sun 12-Mar-17 12:44:08

Take care and wear you armour!

Annesmyth123 Sun 12-Mar-17 18:15:44

Done and home and it was fine. I was stressing a wee bit at some points and when it all was getting too much I just made my excuses and left.

Thanks for the support

hesterton Mon 13-Mar-17 09:30:09

Well done! flowers

LittleMissUpset Mon 13-Mar-17 10:05:12

I've only suffered emotional abuse (well suffering actually) and flowers to those who have had both or had physical abuse, that must be even harder.

I won't compare the 2 as such as I can't, but I'm really struggling at the moment, as there's lots of little seemingly innocent comments and I just keep doubting myself, I keep thinking it must be my fault somehow, everyone thinks he's so great no one would believe me.

I'm glad yesterday went ok and it will take time, but you got through it so well done flowers

Mathena Mon 13-Mar-17 11:31:25

I think the emotional abuse affects you more in the future. Physical abuse obviously terrifying in the moment but although I was afraid when he was angry, would he pull a clump out of my hair or what, as he was standing over me like an angry monster, I used to think, you're a hideous piece of humanity. It was so much more clearly a reflection on him. The emotional abuse is worse because it did in the past make it harder for me to 'allow'' people to be kind to me. I went on a date once and I did something incredibly stupid which ended up costing him a lot of money. I was just waiting for him to get angry. He said something understand, forgiving, kind........... I just didn't know how to handle kindness and decency. That was a decade ago though. Even the emotional abuse can be put behind you completely with work and self-awareness and pushing yourself out of your zone.

DrScholl Mon 13-Mar-17 11:47:38

my ' Auntie'?
was he about 12 too?

Annesmyth123 Mon 13-Mar-17 11:48:17

No. He called his auntie auntie x. That just ran together with her name?

BantyCustards Mon 13-Mar-17 11:49:56

Yes. It's completely broken me. I doubt I will recover

Hissy Mon 13-Mar-17 13:31:32

Are you really wearing that? <head tilt> - Oh do fuck off, You have no say in what I do.

Go and take that off that's not appropriate. - Oh do fuck off, You have no say in what I do.

Make sure you behave properly around my auntie please. Oh do fuck off, You have no say in what I do.-"

You don't need a starter hahaha Oh do fuck off, You have no say in what I do.

And would encourage others there to mock me in a "joke" Oh do fuck off, REALLY?? you twat

Not one person on this earth, dead or alive gets to tell you how to behave. You don't have to go to anything you dont want to and if anyone dares to say anything you simply say that the behaviour of this twat means you don't want to be there, and that you have made your decision.

This stuff gets easier. It really does.

You are doing really well, but need to keep focussed and it will be come second nature.

Hissy Mon 13-Mar-17 13:34:10

I was in an abusive relationship for over 10 years, isolated from the world and ended up afraid of my own shadow with agoraphobia

Freedom Programme, bit of DV support group and therapy, rescue remedy and a lot of pushing myself and 5 years on and I'm fine.

this stuff hurts us, worse than physical, but it won't break us, not really. We can heal ourselves.

Never, ever give up on you!

ShugAvery1 Mon 13-Mar-17 13:35:02

Yes, I've been with a man that beat and tortured me but the way he fucked with my head was the hardest to get over. I still struggle with it sometimes 7 years later. Bruises heal, the shit they put into your brain takes longer. But good news, you've clearly had the lightbulb moment. flowers

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess Mon 13-Mar-17 14:53:42

The alienation /isolation thing is massive in emotional abuse. My mum was a bitch, my sister was a bitch, my friends were all bitches. All out to 'ruin' our relationship. I get what PPs are saying about being suspicious about kindness - you begin to believe they must want something in return. flowers for everyone on this thread.

Annesmyth123 Mon 13-Mar-17 14:54:18

Hugs for everyone affected. It's shit.

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