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Need some perspective on this "friend" issue.

(47 Posts)
Bottlesoflove Sun 12-Mar-17 10:37:41

I have a birthday in march, and as it turns out so do many of my friends. Two who I consider my best friends are turning 30 this month, so obviously they will want to celebrate which is fine. Several weeks ago they sent out a whatsapp asking several people to go away to a holiday cottage and I confirmed and said yes I'd love to come. This is coming up next weekend. Around this time as I knew next weekend would be booked up, I messaged them and just a few very close friends if they would like to just have a few drinks, nothing huge, around my place for mine and dps birthday and also as a bit of a housewarming as we have just moved. Not bothered about too much of a fuss as not a landmark birthday for me, so literally just a few drinks/nibbles. I usually would arrange this sort of thing so far In advance, but thought it would give them/others a chance to say "sorry no good for me due to xyz reason" as I know march seems to be a busy month in my circle, and may potentially give me chance to change date etc.

So anyway, various people got back to me to confirm/decline and that was fine. But these two stayed silent. TBH I just wanted a quiet do with a few of my closest friends, and I consider them close, so when I saw them I mentioned it casually and they were a bit non-commital. One mentioned she might have friends staying that weekend, so I said they were welcome to come too if they like? Still no firm yes/no. Mentioned it a couple of times since, not in a pressurised way, but just in a "would be nice to see you if you could make it" kind of way. In the times I have seen them I casually mentioned that I was finding it hard to find childcare for dd their weekend, but I would work something out and I was definitely 100% coming and looking forward to it, and one said quite sternly "you're coming, ok." In a semi-jokey way. Anyway, fast forward to yesterday when I was due to have my gathering and I sent them a whatsapp just to say "would be lovely to see you this evening - anyone welcome!" And one of them replies "would be nice to see you!" So still very nebulous, and lol and behold they didn't show. As it turns out it was lovely about 13 of my good friends - had a great time. However was very disappointed that the two I consider my best friends couldn't be bothered to come, or even give me a straight answer or "apologies can't make it" in the several weeks they have known about this.

Of course in work Monday (I work with one) I will get texts asking me to go to lunch with her, listen to her problems etc as always. I am tempted just to ignore them both, and not bust a gut to get childcare for their do this weekend, or even not bother showing or often any explanation as to why. But of course I won't do that because I am a mug, or maybe just because I am a decent person and wouldn't do that to them on a landmark birthday.

Just feel a bit let down and mugged off though to be honest. 😕 (god sorry that was long!)

Bottlesoflove Sun 12-Mar-17 10:38:59

Btw just to make clear I suggested the weekend before their do for my drinks thing - not sure that was clear in the op...

Bottlesoflove Sun 12-Mar-17 10:41:48

And btw they do have form for being flakey - just thought they could at least come for a couple of drinks round mine for my bday, as I am going away for a whole weekend to celebrate theirs. 😕

StealthPolarBear Sun 12-Mar-17 10:44:57

Yanbu. Hinting hasn't worked I think you need to ask outright why they couldn't be bothered to come.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry Sun 12-Mar-17 10:47:34

Sorry OP the friendship isnt as strong from their side. There is a lovely saying used on here about not putting yourself out for someone who considers you an option. Hoping someone will come along soon and quote properly. I would chill on some of the supportyou are offering, and either accept the friendship on their terms or dont. I have a very good friend who only talks to me about tough times; funnily enough for the fun occasions I am an after thought. I know my place and deal with the friendship accordingly.

ImperialBlether Sun 12-Mar-17 10:47:59

I just wouldn't go. They don't sound like good friends at all.

chicaguapa Sun 12-Mar-17 10:48:25

Might they feel you have tried to overshadow their birthday bash the following weekend?

If you are all supposed to be friends you should be able to sit down together and talk about it.

Best to do this before you go to the cottage for their birthdays though, if you're having to find childcare etc. There's a chance they may not feel the same towards you and you'll feel even more pissed off you made such an effort for them.

Bottlesoflove Sun 12-Mar-17 10:49:29

I hate arguments though. I also don't usually consider myself a "needy" friend, and throwing a strop about them not coming is not my usual style iyswim? But do feel quite hurt by this if I'm honest. And dp sensed I was upset and thinks they have behaved appallingly. I did wonder if they were just being complete cowbags and trying to phase me out, but they are still making it very clear they want me to come to their do, and just a few days ago one of them texted me saying she considers me her best friend as she has confided in me about a problem that she hasn't been able to talk to anyone else about and she is very grateful for my support! I just don't get it.

MatildaTheCat Sun 12-Mar-17 10:49:46

I going to be honest, they did try to tell you they weren't coming and had friends staying but you wouldn't take no for an answer. Ok, they should have been clearer but they probably felt that whatever excuse they made ( and I wouldn't want to take friends to someone else's birthday do), you were going to come up with another reason that they would find difficult to counter.

You still had a nice time so drop it. You say at the end they have form for making it all about their own problems etc which doesn't really fit with being your closest friend? Just carry on as usual.

Joysmum Sun 12-Mar-17 10:53:47

I'm with Matilda on this. You hinted and they did too.

Bottlesoflove Sun 12-Mar-17 10:55:33

It was not intended to overshadow their birthday bash at all - in fact the friends they have invited to theirs are a completely different group to the few close friends I invited to mine - and I made it quite clear it was just going to be a few drinks. If they'd have said "sorry we will be busy/saving ourselves for the next weekend" I would have accepted that no problem. I usually don't celebrate my birthday at all, but this year it was also my brothers birthday a week before mine and he died in September, and I have also just moved in with dp whose birthday is also this month, so I felt like just marking the occasion with a very casual do at my place. I deliberately planned it for yesterday so it wouldn't clash with anything they were planning.

Bottlesoflove Sun 12-Mar-17 10:57:15

Really? They couldn't have just said "sorry can't make it" when I texted them yesterday? It's not difficult! I only mentioned it once or twice.

MadMags Sun 12-Mar-17 10:58:02

It sounds like they were trying to tell you they weren't coming, and you just kept pushing it!

I don't think it means they're not your friends. Sometimes people just can't make it to stuff!

Bottlesoflove Sun 12-Mar-17 11:05:02

I do accept that people can't make it to stuff, a few politely declined for various reasons and that's no problem! But they gave no explanation whatsoever. If they were vague aquaintances that's fine. Only one of them said she "might" have friends staying. The other sent me the nebulous text yesterday.

You're right it's clear neither of them ever wanted to come, as they simply didn't want to/couldn't be arsed/don't value my friendship. But that is quite a tough pill to swallow tbh. If they'd have both just said "sorry, can't make it - have a nice time" that would have been kinder and surely just good manners? Still leaves me in a quandary over what to do about next weekend.

Bottlesoflove Sun 12-Mar-17 11:06:54

And surely wouldn't it be weird to send out an invitation by text and never mention the occasion again even though I have seen them almost on a daily basis since? Mentioning it once or twice is hardly "pushing it!"

Butteredparsnip1ps Sun 12-Mar-17 11:13:25

OP I'm sorry about your Brother. I'm afraid I'm also a little confused that this year his Birthday is a week before yours????

You appear to have communicated a lot about an event you say you weren't bothered about. You didn't "hear" them telling you they weren't coming.

I'm afraid your friends might not see this association in the same way that you do.

chicaguapa Sun 12-Mar-17 11:15:46

Just offering another viewpoint. I don't think you overshadowed their birthday do but just trying to understand why they might be behaving this way.

It sounds like they were deliberately vague about your do. Are they friends with the crowd who were going to be there? Perhaps they have an issue with one of them but don't want to say?

Definitely think you need to tell them how you feel. They're not your closest friends if you can't do that tbh. And like I said, before next weekend as it might be a bitter pill to swallow if it turns out they're not as good friends as you think they are and you've made all that effort to go to their do.

oleoleoleole Sun 12-Mar-17 11:16:27

I'd text them and ask them outright if you've done something to offend as you'd presumed they'd be there last night even though they didn't confirm either way.

I'd also say as you're finding childcare difficult next weekend if they'd rather you not go that's fine!

Feck em! Bitches!

Bottlesoflove Sun 12-Mar-17 11:17:36

His birthday has always been a week before mine. Just so happens that this year is the first one after he died. Different birth years obvs. He was younger than me. As I said I usually don't celebrate birthdays. Just this year fancied having a few close friends round me due to moving in with new dp whose birthday also happens to be in march, and also feeling a bit up and down emotions wise with the whole dead brother thing. Hope that clears it up.

Bottlesoflove Sun 12-Mar-17 11:23:18

Thanks ole. TBH if it wasn't for next weekend I would just cool it with them after this tbh. However if I don't go it will cause a massive drama I'm sure. So think I will just go, but after that distance myself. For got to mention I also went to a birthday afternoon tea for one of the girls on her actual birthday at the beginning of the month, which was about 4-5 of her closest friends. So obviously she considered me enough of a "friend" to go to that, and it seems she gets to have two birthday dos whereas I am clearly not entitled to one, however small.

And no, they only vaguely know a couple of the other people (mainly old school friends) who were coming, and no probs there, and plus they wouldn't even have known who else was going to be there as they didn't ask.

Yoksha Sun 12-Mar-17 11:29:54

Are they including you in the cottage birthday bash just to make up the numbers? In that they need your cash contribution, & that is why they're still messaging you to still include you.

I think you're more invested in this friendship than they are from your posts. I sense a cooling off from their perspective. Also, you mention you wanted to acknowledge in some way the death of your dear brother. flowers. That's very sad. But, they may feel the occasion was too emotionally charged to be able to just celebrate. They may have felt uncomfortable.

Isthereanybodythere Sun 12-Mar-17 11:29:56

You should just ask them why they didn't come, you've got nothing to lose, if you are just going to simmer away slowly destroying the friendships anyway.
The explanation might be perfectly innocent as another commenter has suggested, or maybe they just don't value the friendship in the same way you do, either way you will be able to make an informed decision about where to take the friendship.

Bottlesoflove Sun 12-Mar-17 11:36:37

Yoksha - I never mentioned anything about my brother. I also didn't talk about him last night, and rarely talk about it to them (my parents and I talk about t a lot though) just illustrating why I for a change thought I would have a quiet do instead of letting my birthday slide unnoticed like I usually do (getting old now!). One of them did send me a lovely text on my dbs birthday though as they must have seen something on Facebook (I don't go on it) that was posted by someone.

I don't think I am there to make the numbers up. They have not asked me for any money yet and apparently it is overbooked and a few of the guys have to sleep on sofas/floors etc. However last time we spoke about it they assured me they have allocated one of the beds to me (I didn't ask) and seemed genuinely concerned when i said I hadn't quite firmed up childcare yet. But I assured them I would (exp is also away that w/e but I have other options).

Yoksha Sun 12-Mar-17 11:37:08

Just read your update Bottles. I agree with oleo feck 'em! Bitches.

I wouldn't go. I'd just use childcare as a reason, then detach from them. It's very empowering. It has the opposite effect on your psyche than you think. You've gone more than the extra mile IMHO. Be prepared for them to try and reign you in once you change the dynamics

Bottlesoflove Sun 12-Mar-17 11:42:53

Thanks yoksha. They are genuinely nice people usually, and like me don't go in for friendship dramas (have dropped a few of those types along the way), but kinda expected them to step up a bit on this one. I will probably just leave it as can't be arsed with fall-outs and politics, but this has definitely made me see them in a different light. And also made me feel a bit shit about myself. I am still on antidepressants after a down patch about a year ago, and whilst I feel a lot stronger now this has knocked my confidence a bit. One of the girls has also suffered with depression so we had kind of supported each other as both of us are the types to not shout that kind of stuff from the rooftops, so really we were both the only support the other one had iyswim?

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