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I'm so sad and cross please give me advice.

(95 Posts)
Startoftheyear2017 Sun 12-Mar-17 10:13:04

I started reading MN last October and everyone's advice and experience had been incredibly helpful as I've dealt with my DH of nearly 21 years telling me he's been unhappy for years and wants to leave me and our 4 DC.
We had couples counselling for a few months, but he stopped that after Christmas. He sees his own counsellor now and I'm seeing the couples person, who I like. Last night he told me he wants to leave. He claims not to have a plan about what he wants to do next. We've agreed not to tell the DC until after the summer exams. They are 18, 16, 13 and 8.
I thought we had a brilliant relationship and a happy, fulfilled life, but I was totally wrong it seems. Now I've seen the 'script ' I know I'm not alone. No OW yet but i know that's likely. I'm so cross. I haven’t been as I was hoping it was all a bad dream. But now I am. I've found a SHL so plan to see her next week.
My self-respect and pride are taking a battering. I'd really value advice and support from the wonderful people on MN.

Startoftheyear2017 Sun 12-Mar-17 11:54:20

No one? I need words. Please

Hermonie2016 Sun 12-Mar-17 11:58:41

Glad you posted your own thead.Yout will get through this.

How old is your husband? Assume he fits the profile for midlife crisis (aka I've just decided I am more important than anyone else).

You will have months of living together which will be tough, do you plan to still share a room?

BlondeBecky1983 Sun 12-Mar-17 11:59:13

This is awful for all concerned but a separation may help you both to see clearly. Has he given reasons as to why he is unhappy? Are there things you can both work on or does he just want out full stop?

flowers

AtSea1979 Sun 12-Mar-17 12:02:25

What's a SHL?

Winniethepooer Sun 12-Mar-17 12:05:03

Shit Hot Lawyer

AtSea1979 Sun 12-Mar-17 12:06:16

Ah ok. I'm guessing you are not in the UK then?

Startoftheyear2017 Sun 12-Mar-17 12:27:49

Thanks all. Appreciate your comments. We live in the UK. He turned 50 last July and I turn in November this year. I don’t think there's hope as this all started in June last year and we've been trying. He says I'm controlling and he didn't feel he mattered. He says he doesn't love me and has been unhappy for years. I had no clue until he told me.
Friends are completely shocked. He's given a great performance for many years.
I think we have to share the bedroom as we don't have a spare room. The kids will notice straight away if anything changes. I don't mind at the moment. Do you think it will become more of an issue?
I need to check when DS1's exams end as we will tell them after that
He got cross earlier as he says I'm suggesting he wants to leave the family and he plans to have a good relationship with the DCs. I just can't see how that will work. He also says I'm focusing on him having a new relationship too much. I told him I've believed that we could fix things and since he told me he wants to leave I'm thinking everything.

hesterton Sun 12-Mar-17 12:34:32

Of course you are sad and cross, it's such a shitty thing to happen. It's not what you signed up to. It's not what you want.

But please don't let him rewrite your past. This is the bit of "the script" which enrages me the most. He is a fuckpig to do that. Yes, you're right, he probably has someone else. But that doesn't make his claim to have been miserable for years true.

My exh said that. His parents, who we saw a lot of, looked aghast and said, No, you haven't. He blushed and said you're right.

Please allow yourself to grieve what you have lost - your dreams, your principles of what marriage meant to you. But don't grieve him as he is not worth it.

You will find happiness again and it will be deeper and calmer and you'll own it.

Startoftheyear2017 Sun 12-Mar-17 14:26:11

Hesteron thanks that's exactly what I need to hear. He's re-writing history. Thanks, much appreciated.

Startoftheyear2017 Sun 12-Mar-17 20:48:57

So I made it through the day. I felt on the verge of tears most of the time. This brave face thing is tough. Thanks for the advice people have shared via MN.

highinthesky Sun 12-Mar-17 20:54:08

In your position OP, I would use the next 4 months to get your financial position mapped out. I would guess that maintaining the roof over your and DC's heads will be the priority. Life will be tough enough without moving out.

Startoftheyear2017 Sun 12-Mar-17 20:57:51

Thanks. I want to keep the family home but I'm scared that it will tie up all my cash. It might be better to sell it and downsize, but I know the kids feel safe and happy here.

hesterton Sun 12-Mar-17 21:28:21

Well done for getting through the day. Don't try and think too long term right now - ducks in a row and focus on survival!

Wallywobbles Sun 12-Mar-17 21:53:41

Work out some different scenarios and the implications. Staying in the house, downsizing etc. Kids going to uni? less bedrooms. Who lives where? Who wants what?

Work out what you'd like as an outcome and what you could accept.

Right now it's all theoretical. But I wouldn't discuss anything with him yet and I certainly wouldn't agree anything yet.

Trustyourself2 Sun 12-Mar-17 21:55:20

I've been through what you're experiencing now, no DC, but the hurt is awful. It's crushing being told that you're not the person he wants to be with and hasn't wanted to be with you for many years. Don't let him blame you and tell you who you are and what you've been. I'm 50 and am looking forward to the rest of my life. Haven't got a clue what the future holds but it has to be better than the past.

Take each moment as it comes and be gentle with yourself.

Startoftheyear2017 Sun 12-Mar-17 22:14:10

Thanks Wally, Trust and Hesterton. It means a lot that there are people out there who have got through this. Another chat just now and he says he doesn't know why he seems to be able to leave everything that up until now he has believed in and valued. He's an idiot.

Hermonie2016 Sun 12-Mar-17 22:48:10

I'm not sure if my stbxh has OW, no one has appeared but he has free time without dc so it's possible.He also travel a lot.

It's horrible as you just can't understand what is happening, your heart takes longer to catch up .
Sharing a room will be tough..especially if he remains distance which will make you angry.Plus you won't have personal space to be sad when you need it.

He seems very typical, my ex did the whplease "we have never been happy" which was just crazy as we had dc after a long time together and very much planned.
We also got married after dc and ex was so emotional and happy about marrying me.Everyone saw it.

Hermonie2016 Sun 12-Mar-17 23:01:26

Oops posted too soon.

Something has made him switch off his feelings for you. I believe it's a trigger laid down in childhood and little to do with your behaviour.I was called controlling for texting ex when dc had a serious health issue, clearly I only text him to disrupt his activity.Do not justify his accusations as that's just draining.He will not accept any responsibility so it's no point wasting your energy.

You know you have tried to save the relationship, that will be important later on.

Telling the children will be awful but please believe they do bounce back.I love myou time with dc and without them although at first it was difficult.

I am trying not to be bitter or resentful but struggling at times.ex is behaving terribly with finances and it's likely to go to court.
Had someone told me he would be like this I would not have believed it.I truly thought he was a better man.

What happens over time is your love for him will fade.Everyone said that after a time I would never take them back and it true.I reached that stage a while ago and it's liberating.

You are in crisis mode, shock, grief and sadness will hit you but it does get better, I promise you.

Startoftheyear2017 Mon 13-Mar-17 07:35:36

Thanks Hermonie I believe it. I've just seen him this morning in the usual getting everyone up and out in the morning chaos and I said 'morning darling'. Stupid things like that grate and will have to stop. It's so natural to call him darling or lean to kiss him, or tell him I love him when I go out. It feels so sad to have to train myself to stop now.
I wish I could analyse his brain. He had a fairly normal childhood, but his mother hides emotion all the time. Her mother was almost a recluse - a very odd situation. But my DH always seemed balanced, emotionally intelligent and generally super-normal! I'm learning now that it must have been an act. So weird. Thanks again for your help. Hope things improve for you.

Bansteadmum Mon 13-Mar-17 07:40:28

Very sorry you're going through this. You sound like you have a plan: hope you get a good lawyer and instigate the divorce asap. Why should your H call the shots?

I suggest seeking to change the sharing a bedroom arrangement asap: if your H is unwilling to sleep downstairs then two of the DC will have to share. And telling the DC.

GeorgeTheHamster Mon 13-Mar-17 07:51:43

The elder DC are doing GCSEs and A levels so it's not a great time to tell them.

I wouldn't have been able to share a room, can you make him sleep downstairs or " be away for work" some of the time?

I chose to keep the house for the kids. I can downsize later if I need to.

You'll never understand what goes on in his head, so the sooner you stop trying the better. It took me a couple of years, mind.

Prioritise yourself after the kids. Take time for yourself every day. He goes to the bottom of your priority list when you have to make a decision. Train yourself!

Look on advicenow website before you see the lawyer, inform yourself about the basics, you don't need to pay for that. Take the lawyer all info about income and capital so he/she can give you an idea as to likely outcome on divorce asap. Find out what his pension will worth, that will be key.

GeorgeTheHamster Mon 13-Mar-17 07:53:42

Pension is worth.

Either the most recent statement of fund value if it is a private one. Or the value of the pension income if it is a public sector final salary type.

TheNaze73 Mon 13-Mar-17 08:00:47

Your focus has to be yourself, it'll be tough but, you can get through this. It'll be a horrible situation for you both but, you only get one shot at life, so focus on the future.

ferriswheel Mon 13-Mar-17 08:34:13

Living together as a separated couple is a nightmare. Get him to leave. I dont think id make him wait for the kids exams.

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