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I do not like me and I'm feeling really sad. Can you help me change me?

(27 Posts)
letsbeginagain Sun 12-Mar-17 09:09:56

Wrote a post last night and nobody answered. I'm hoping someone will today.
I'm a lonely single mum. Facing a life time of it unless I can change things.
Any advise or just to chat would be really appreciated.
The only thing I look forward to is a bottle of wine on a Saturday night. My dc's have their clubs etc but I do absolutely nothing. It's kinda like groundhog day! I'm exhausted by it! I tap into Facebook and everyone is out with friends enjoying themselves.
I don't have any friends (well one I see once every 3 months) just the people I work with, who seem to have fulfilling lives and friends.
Not a close family.
I absolutely hate where I live.
My dc's dad has no input.
I know I can't change the above.
I need to lose weight (around 2 stone)
I look in the mirror and dont like me. How can I change me? I don't want to be lonely anymore. I sometimes do no want to get out of bed. It's not depression it's being completely bored and lonely.
I'm sorry to sound so negative. I'm really not. Or try not to be. I just can't seem to get a life. I don't want to waste it. I want to fulfil it but how?

pallasathena Sun 12-Mar-17 09:20:42

Be kind to yourself. Getting out and about is key, just going for a walk or taking a book for a coffee, joining a hobby or interest group...its about taking that all important first step and boosting your self esteem by doing something for yourself, by yourself.
If you do that, you'll find your self confidence and self esteem rocketing. Once that happens, you'll attract like minded people to you.
You can do this.

happypoobum Sun 12-Mar-17 09:24:07

I am sorry you feel so bad. Not sure if this will be any use but to make sure someone answers you, here's my thoughts............

The people you work with might "seem" to have fulfilling lives and friends but have you ever asked anyone if they want to go for a drink after work on Friday/coffee/whatever? It might help to ask a group if that feels less weird or pushy for you?

When you are talking and someone mentions an actor they like/book they read could you suggest cinema? How old are the DC and what childcare arrangements do you have?

If childcare is difficult you will need to start by finding out what you can realistically do whilst the DC are in clubs or existing childcare.

Your weight appears to be a concern for you. Could you kill two birds with one stone by joining SW or WW or similar? Or doing a swimming or exercise class?

You sound really nice and I hope things pick up for you soon. flowers

thesandwich Sun 12-Mar-17 09:24:22

Is there a local mumsnet group? Slimming world can be very supportive and fun? What did you enjoy as a child?

Mungobungo Sun 12-Mar-17 09:28:37

Oh OP, you do sound so down.

Firstly you need to be kind to yourself and then think about what kind of things you would be interested in or could do to get you out of the house. Often cabin fever and a lack of adult company can be detrimental to mood and self esteem.

Are there any local fitness classes to you that you could attend while your DC are at school or in their clubs at all? Obviously it's dependent on their ages and if you're working too. It it may be worth looking to see what's around near to you that you may be interested in.

It would be a scary first step but well worth the 5 minutes of bravery just so that you can feel like you again.

CocoLoco87 Sun 12-Mar-17 09:31:32

I was going to suggest slimming world too. You'd be on track to losing weight and feeling better about yourself, whilst hopefully making some friends who might like to meet for coffee. It doesn't take long for someone to become a good friend so don't give up before you've started!

If slimming world isn't for you, are there running / walking clubs near you, craft evenings, spinning or yoga type classes where you can meet people? Saying hello to people a few weeks in a row will lead to "how are you? How was your weekend? Have you seen this film?" Etc

Try and make a couple of small changes. Good luck!

Jackeve Sun 12-Mar-17 09:39:35

Oh hun, I could have easily written this three years ago. My life literally consisted of being a mum and going to work. Lucky my ex did have the children every other Saturday night so I did get free time to myself but like you I had no one to socialise with. It felt like everyone had a social life bar me and when anyone at worked asked what I did at the weekend I found myself fibbing as I didn't want to admit that I'd done nothing. I felt like I was becoming a hermit.
Firstly I started jogging and once I felt fitter I joined the gym, I didn't meet any friends this way but it felt so good to have an interest of my own and really made me feel great and boosted my self esteem, I then made sure I went to any work events that were advertised and got to know my colleagues better and lastly once I felt more confident I joined a dating site. I didn't meet anyone significant on there and wasn't looking for a serious relationship but it was so nice to go on dates.
How old is your child ? Do you have anyone who could babysit ? A few of the staff at my child's kids club used to babysit in their free time which was perfect as my kids knew them and I trusted them. Would that be an option ?
You need time to yourself and interests of your own xx

letsbeginagain Sun 12-Mar-17 09:42:20

Thankyou everyone smile
I used to go for a coffee by myself and watch the world go by. I stopped. I think it was because it somehow highlighted to 'me' I was lonely. It was nice at first but as the months have turned into years it's difficult.
I have tried endless times to arrange things. For some reason they get cancelled last minute. The reason being everyone seems to prefer going out with their husbands, other (younger) friends. Excuses are I'm skint oh my husband has made plans for us to do such and such.
Childcare is an issue. I do have my mum if I need to go anywhere just have nobody to go anywhere with. My dc's have clubs so I was thinking of joining the gym but my ex and his new partner go there. The other gym is about 15 miles away which I was considering. It's just then the time factor and fuel. I could ask my mum but I feel if she wanted to help she would offer. I have hinted lots of times how I feel so down and need a change but find it difficult.
I think ww is a good idea actually. I need to do something.
My childhood was not a nice one. Not a very nice step dad. That's a whole other story. So I didn't do anything at all.
I suppose that is why I dislike where I live. Too many awful memories. I am stuck in a rut and desperate to get out.
Thankyou all smile

LiveLifeWithPassion Sun 12-Mar-17 09:44:17

The key is definitely getting out and about. Even when you don't feel like it, just get up and get out the door.
How old are your dcs?
What do you do on the weekends?

Think of the things you enjoy and try to include more of that in your day to day life.
Like if you like music then have your radio on or if you have a garden and enjoy it, sit outside more.

Have a look at meetup.com for groups you could join. My friend was looking at a single mums group in her area who go out and about on the weekends.

Finally, cut down on the time you spend in Facebook. Or get rid of it altogether. So many people are made miserable by it. It's not a true reflection of how people are living so don't be fooled by it.
Time spent online makes people low. Reduce it and get out instead.

LiveLifeWithPassion Sun 12-Mar-17 09:49:43

You don't have to go to the gym for exercise. Find something else you might enjoy. Running, walking, cycling, tennis, whatever

letsbeginagain Sun 12-Mar-17 10:01:13

Thankyou everyone smile
I posted and had more messages.
I do have to be brave. It's like I have no energy in trying anymore but know it's the only way.
My dc's are 6, 9, and 11. I can't afford a sitter. They go to clubs together and separate.
I know I have to get out. It's like I had so much hope making a new life after divorce. Then the months turned into years and I can't see anything changing.
Sometimes we walk on weekends. My dc's are more interested in friends and tv. It's a challenge getting them out walking. Sometimes it's such a headache I think why bother this isn't pleasant.
I agree with the facebook thing but it's my only source of the outside world.
Thankyou all smile

Yoksha Sun 12-Mar-17 10:02:31

Ok....you've got to really want to change. It's too huge atm. Chose something small & achieve it.

I was like you 4mnths ago. Do you know what I did? I still giggle, but it released something in me. First of all, I'm a very boring scientific person. I thrive on everything being in its place etc. I went out and bought 4 small canvases. Some acrylic paint & cotton buds. Cut out a cardboard template of a naked tree to stencil onto each canvas. Painted them black. Then choosing 4 different colour pallettes I proceeded to dab the tree shapes with handfuls of cotton buds, building layers of contrasting leaves.

Lots of laughter. Family laughing with me. They are very childish. They hang on the long wall of the staircase. Everytime I'm up or down the stairs, they make me smile. But they serve as a reminder to the end of a bleak time.

This will pass OP. Life never stays the same. Every church I pass advertises a coffee morning around me. Could this be a consideration OP?

LiveLifeWithPassion Sun 12-Mar-17 10:19:04

Do you have fun with your dcs? Do you laugh and giggle with them?

letsbeginagain Sun 12-Mar-17 10:22:36

That's a good story Yoksha.
I have been waiting a few years for it to pass. I want someone to pick me and my dc's up and move us somewhere else.
I want a new beginning.
I haven't noticed anywhere that advertises this. I work full time also.
I feel like I'm answering negative to everyone's suggestions. I don't mean to. It's just this hole I'm in. Like I just can't get out.
I'm sorry!

letsbeginagain Sun 12-Mar-17 10:23:43

I do laugh and giggle with my dc's. Everything I do revolves around making them happy.

Bluntness100 Sun 12-Mar-17 10:31:55

Ok the only person who can make it happen is you, no one else.

But you know how to fix it. There are so many options. Join a book club, go to a language class, go to a music class or a dance class, or even car mechanics, wine classes, cookery, whatever you fancy. Maybe volunteer someplace , a charity shop, a soup kitchen. Go on different events in your area, walks, whatever. Join the gym and do some classes there. Zumba, spinning, body pump, Pilates.

There is so many things you can do, but only you can make you do them. 💐

happypoobum Sun 12-Mar-17 10:44:32

OK, so it sounds like you want to be "rescued?" This is quite common for those of us who had dysfunctional childhoods.

You have to rescue yourself. I know it's hard but you will feel fabulous on the other side.

Totally agree to do just one thing first - go to one club, take one yoga class, whatever. If that one doesn't work out you try again and again until something fits. Then you build it up slowly until your confidence returns and you see that you are an amazing and deserving person living a life that is maybe not what you planned, but still blessed and happy.

letsbeginagain Sun 12-Mar-17 10:56:48

Thankyou smile
I know it's me that has to do it. I want to just maybe feeling like I have lost my spark.
Thankyou for all the suggestions. I need to make the first step.
Rescued? Maybe. I feel like I have lost the fight in me that's probably why.
It's a lonely lonely place sometimes.
Thankyou again really appreciate it.

MatildaTheCat Sun 12-Mar-17 10:59:59

You need to change the way you spend time at home and make that more interesting for a start. Slugging wine whilst on FB is bound to be depressing. Do you enjoy box Sets? Learning? FutureLearn do dozens of excellent free online courses which very much involve getting involved online with the other learners.

If you enjoy cooking decide to try new recipes. Go through your clothes and chuck out anything that doesn't fit or flatter. eBay some of it.

Then look outside the home and join some stuff. Reading groups, running club, yoga class, Pilates....honestly the list is endless. Join the PTA, volunteer for something even if it's irregular at first. Do rope in your DM to help if she is willing and use any child free time for you, not just about your DC.

You sound very likeable so I reckon there's much hope for things improving!

letsbeginagain Sun 12-Mar-17 11:13:32

Thankyou Matilda. Yes I'm angry at myself for getting to the point of only having wine and facebook as a source of company. Quite sad actually.
I am trying to watch a few different series on tv.
Where do I find out about these groups? I am really going to try.
I will try and ask my mum instead of hinting. My mum has been very much for herself so it's difficult as I don't think she enjoys looking after them a great deal. As long as I have fed them. Got them dressed/ready for bed. Basically so she has to do absolutely nothing just be there with them she's happy. Sometimes it's more difficult organising them for her to have them. I will ask though.
The cooking might be a good idea as my dc's are super fussy eaters. Finding something to cook for us all would be good.
Thankyou smile

Hermonie2016 Sun 12-Mar-17 11:49:38

Try YouTube for inspirational talks, some can be so positive and much better use of time then FB.

Write a gratitude diary every day, there is science behind this that says we change the wiring in our brains when we focus on positives.Sign up to motivational sayings so you get emailed each day..behappy is one.
I create my own posters from these and hang them around my house.

Do one thing this week for yourself..any free class around?
What would you like your life to look like? Can you describe it? Old saying is "if you can't name it, you can't claim it".

Just knowing what you want gets you closer to your goals.

Linds33 Sun 12-Mar-17 11:50:11

What area do you live in?

letsbeginagain Sun 12-Mar-17 12:09:04

I love inspirational quotes. I listen to lots of people I follow for inspiration. It does help.
I would love to live in a different town.
Have a friend to meet up with now and again. Someone that actually cares and interested in me. Coffee, shopping. Someone to go out with on a night out. To be able to get dressed up once in a while.
I have given up on the thought of ever being in love again but that would be nice.
To lose weight and have an exercise routine that I enjoy and actually fit around work and dc's.
Have something that inspires me. Something to look forward to. Have plans. Have company.
I know you didn't mean for me to list what I want my life to look like. I suppose what everyone wants really. A purpose. A happy fulfilling life.
I am from S Wales.

SeaCabbage Sun 12-Mar-17 12:13:07

Joining a group can be much more successful than trying to organise flakey "friends". The group does the "thing" at a certain time at a certain place every week regardless so it is much more reliable. Look up meet-ups, or on the noticeboard in your local library.

I understand your childcare problem but if you even found one club/group you would like to try that is a start. Then you can stop hinting to your mum and just ask her about a specific day and time. Or maybe you could ask around for teenage babysitter. They can be a godsend because it is fun for the kids and not too much money. It would also mean that you are not relying on your mum for anything.

there could be a snowball effect; you start a club, look forward to it, meet people, feel a bit more positive about life, start taking more pride in your appearance, start feeling more sparky, stronger. Then this strength can help you to change bigger things.

I wish you luck in taking the first step. Go and see what's on offer and hopefully there will be somethign which really takes your fancy.

Winniethepooer Sun 12-Mar-17 12:17:31

flowers for you Op.
Lots of good advice been given here.
Take care. X

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