Relationship at rock bottom

[Justamummy1]

I've name changed for this post.

Me and my partner are at rock bottom. He has depression and anxiety and I've always struggled to deal with it, I know that that makes me selfish but when he pulls away from me it makes me feel so lonely and not enough, no matter how much I tell myself that isn't the case it makes no difference.

When I feel like that I get so angry I try to push him away to test him, he can't deal with it and gets so angry back at me, I don't like it but it's the only time I know he cares so i probably cause it on purpose.

Last night I put our 6 month old to bed, tried to hug him and he pulled away to sit alone and watch the TV. I went to bed upset, he came to bed at 2 and woke me. I was still upset and we argued. I don't know why but I didn't want to sleep on it. He did and so he went to sleep.

When my 6 month old woke up at 6.30 something happened inside me and I just couldn't do it, I left her door open so he will hear her, grabbed my keys (still in pjs) and left. I'm sat in my car half a mile from home and have no idea what to do.

This is a pointless post, I'm just vocalising.

[MoominMamma3]

You sound really fed up I don't think you've done anything wrong in taking yourself out for a breather. Your baby is safe and her dad can look after her.

Is he on any medication or has he seen his GP? If not then he needs to do that. Do you feel that's something that might be an option for you too?

Maybe you guys should consider relationship counselling. I've had it previously through Relate and it was very helpful.

Do you have friends nearby or a sister/mum who you can talk to and get support from?

[Justamummy1]

He's on medication, and he's had psychotherapy. He didn't like to talk about it so I barely asked and when I did he always said it was nothing to do with us his issues. Last night he said it was, he lied and it was all about me and I'd caused his depression.

I don't feel depressed, I feel lonely and sad. I think thats different?

He asked for relationship counselling, I found one and sent him the link but he never followed it up.

If I'm honest I think he doesn't want to work on it or be with me, he just doesn't want to be away from the baby all the time (by that I mean he won't live with her full time as he does now) so he won't go, I don't want him to go but if he's just staying for that I don't want that either. He always says it's not that but I don't think I believe him.

[SaorAlbaGuBrath]

I have severe anxiety and depression, I'm also hyper aware of how hard it is for DP to live with, and try my hardest to make sure he feels loved and appreciated (as he does with me). Mental health problems are hard, really hard, and there are some things you can't help (for me it's obsessive cleaning/organising) but you can help how you treat people. Even just saying, "look I'm sorry but I'm struggling just now so I'm going to go upstairs for a bit of time on my own" is better than shoving you away. I'm sorry he's struggling, I really am, but that doesn't mean he gets to treat you the way he has been with impunity. It's not an excuse to hurt people, that's just selfish.

[MoominMamma3]

It's really not fair for him to blame you for his depression. That's not how it works. If he is finding that the difficulties in your relationship are aggravating his depression then he needs to think about how he can manage that, even if it means separating either temporarily or permanently.

Could you ask him today to organise an appointment with relate or if you'd prefer just organise it yourself? If you organised a counselling appointment for you both, would he attend?

The relationship can't progress if he won't communicate. You can't work on this alone and if he won't help then I'd start looking into your options for separating. I know it's not what you want but you can't work on the issues if he refuses to.'

[SaorAlbaGuBrath]

And to blame you for his depression is cruel and unfair.

[Justamummy1]

I have just booked us a counselling session for today. I will see if he wants to go or not, if not i may go any way alone.

I am so scared to be a single parent but I really just don't think he has communicated with me for a long time.

He will tell me he agrees with things or wants them and then days weeks or even months later say he didn't. I never used to be this angry and know I don't treat him well when I'm annoyed and I pressure him which isn't good for him, I truly believe the rest of the time I am a good partner. I'm just desperate for anything from him, anything that isn't ignorance or nodding and anger seems to be the only way I get that.

I think we probably should separate. I will try counselling first though. I love him, but my daughter will be aware of these things sooner than I know.

[Jackeve]

Oh hun, I also have a partner with depression and anxiety and am struggling with it. I feel sad and lonely too.
Unlike your situation we don't live together or have children together so I could easily walk away but I want to fix things even though I'm not sure they can be.
You say you have a young baby, that in itself can put huge pressure on a relationship. Blaming you for his depression is way out of order so please don't believe that. That is just cruel.
It sounds like you do need some time to yourself, not easy with a young child I know so you did the right thing getting away for a breather this morning. Sending you hugs and good luck for the couple counselling xx