Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

It's me or the dog....

(134 Posts)
dibdap82 Sun 12-Mar-17 07:11:28

So after splitting from my boyf of 2 yrs a guy from my past popped up on fb
One thing lead to another and suddenly I went from being newly single to being with someone again!
But it all felt very right and he made me feel like trusting someone again one day could be possible
My barriers were up but I tried to just go with the flow and not let it stop my happiness
He came over, I went to his, we stayed in, we went out, we talked for hours and hours and I honestly thought he was such a lovely guy

I invited him over for a take away last night and he asked if his dog can come...I have a flat and I'm not a dog person so I didn't think his dog would settle in my flat as I have no garden to be able to go out for a wee and it's a flat? but he said he will be fine...well we were talking about where his dog was going to sleep and that day I had gone to pets at home and bought him a big bed and some toys ( he's a large dog) anyway he said he probably won't sleep in the bed he will probably come in bed with us?!
Sorry for any dog people that sleep with their dogs and I want to add here I don't have any problem with people who do !!! but I don't want to sleep with a dog on my bed? When I've stayed at his, his dog sometimes sleeps on the bed...he flicks from the bed to the sofa bed in his room, to the floor but thing is he is sooo loud and constantly licks his bits, scratches, shakes and it keeps me awake ! He's a big dog and there's not much room...i told him this but I didn't expect him to do anything as it's his house! But as this is my flat I didn't want to get into the habit of him sleeping on my bed.
I know it's personal preference but in a new relationship it's very hard
Anyway he left after a 4 hour argument
The argument consisted of me getting a bit upset as I felt horrible and I had to ask him to leave in the end as he didn't seem to let it go and from 8-12 we were having an argument?! I said a month, 6ks in we shouldn't be doing this?
I'm gutted and sad but my mum said he shouldn't have been like hang with me but maybe I hurt his feelings about his dog?

Okfine Sun 12-Mar-17 07:15:29

I know lots of people who sleep with their cats and dogs and they think it's normal but I would absolutely hate it.

I nearly left my first husband over his dog and I wish I had.

I don't see how it's going to work out for you if you are not a dog lover.

PuellaEstCornelia Sun 12-Mar-17 07:18:40

Your house your rules

KingPrawnOkay Sun 12-Mar-17 07:20:54

I love my dog but he's not allowed upstairs and definitely will never sleep with us. He fidgets like fuck and would be too excited at getting to sleep with us that no one would sleep. Very sweet of you to buy the dog things for your house though but he doesn't seem to be accommodating you like you are the dog.

FenellaMaxwellsPony Sun 12-Mar-17 07:21:24

I'm going to be very blunt here, and I'm sorry but you aren't compatible. He's never going to choose you over his dog, not if he's a responsible, decent person, and you clearly don't want to be around the dog so you should cut your losses now as there's no future in this.

dibdap82 Sun 12-Mar-17 07:27:18

Thanks guys

I feel exactly that! It's not going to work but it's perfect in every other way which is such a shame
He's such a lovely man
He's perfect

When he said he had a dog I thought come on, just get to be a dog person! We go on walks, he loves that dog so much it's quite lovely to see
I've actually got quite fond of him
He cuddles up to me and he's very sweet...but as I'm not used to being around dogs I thought I can't not be with him just coz he has a dog!

But thing is he's very smelly so I think that's one of the reasons why I don't want him in my bed as I feel I have compromised enough like when he cuddles up to me and covers me in hair ?! I just don't want it on my bed

But as I've said nothing when I've stayed at his. He took massive offensive - he said I should have said before and he wouldn't have bought him but I said why would I why would he assume?

I'm so sad...I just maybe thought the dog would be ok sleeping on the bed I bought him - ( still in my bedroom with us ) but he said it's not like children you can't tell him to get down from a bed as he won't understand ??? Does he mean as he's allowed everywhere at his? But I said I disagree

Same for my sofas I said to myself if I let him on my sofa and my bed every time he's over he will just be on there every time and there the only 2 places I wouldn't want him on ? We didn't get into a conversation on the sofa! Now I feel I've chosen my bed and sofa not smelling of dog over a lovely man and his dog hmm

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Sun 12-Mar-17 07:27:19

If he thinks it's OK to let his dog go from sofa to bed, in somone elses's house(!) then I don't think it's going to work. It's not so much that he's a dog person and you're not, just that he doesn't think he should respect your territory and the rules you have in your home. I love dogs but I cringe at sharing a bad with them! I don't like the sound of an argument that lasted 4 hours either! What was being said?

When I took my large dog to my then BF's flat it was a PITA. It was too cramped for the dog to move around properly and there was no garden. My BF had no problem with it (but then it was me not him who had the inconvience of not being able to just open the back door and let pooch relieve himself) but I was uncomfortable.

Blodplod Sun 12-Mar-17 07:28:27

I'm a dog lover and my dog sleeps on our bed (well, to be fair, in it, under the duvet with her head on the pillow!). She is almost like a child to us and we're fine with that.

However, years ago when I was younger and didn't have a dog would I have wanted that? No way, and especially not in a new relationship! Even if you were a dog lover, this isn't your dog and I can totally understand why you wouldn't want it in bed with you. A lot of friends of mine who are dog lovers won't even allow their dogs upstairs.. I don't think this relationship is going to grow legs with this fundamental difference of opinions and let's face it, feelings, surrounding the dog. If he/she were a small breed who slept in a basket in a basket, fair enough. But in the situation you describe I think you're entirely reasonable in your views.

Okfine Sun 12-Mar-17 07:30:42

Yes I don't see how a large dog in a flat with no garden is going to work either.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Sun 12-Mar-17 07:33:07

Cross posted...
Dogs are not stupid and he should know that his dog will understand that in his house he's allowed on the bed and sofa, but at your place he's not. And I don't blame you not wanting things to smell of dog or be covered in hairs either. I always put a cover on the sofa so it wouldn't get all "doggy" but many people don't and I cringe at that. I bet he doesn't does he?

ElspethFlashman Sun 12-Mar-17 07:35:35

Berating you in your own house just cos you have a different opinion is a HUGE red flag. And berating you for four hours is positively unstable.

Dump him and consider it a lucky escape.

TheoriginalLEM Sun 12-Mar-17 07:36:33

i was going to come and say suck it up but no way would i have the fog on my bed and i amm currently warming my feet on my dog in bed! Twò jrts in the bed because im too soft to kick them out but in truth i rather wish i hadn't allowed it, they fidget and keep me awake.

Stand firm is this will be a good indicator of his true feelings - it shouldn't be a choice you bought the dog a bed etc but it appears like it is and inreckon he would choose the dog. At least you'll know flowers

dibdap82 Sun 12-Mar-17 07:39:31

Thanks guys you've made me feel better.

Thing is I do want to be around the dog, I wouldn't have let the last 6 wks happen if not...it was never a deal breaker...When we are at his it's not as bad as it's his place and yes like one of the posters said I respect HIS rules..so much that's why I never said anything?!

I didn't expect him to bring the dog to mine...And yes as someone has said it's not really about that it's about respect I think

But I suppose he does love him like he's a child which I've tried to understand and I was thinking I would learnt to love him too

The 4 hr argument was on/off
He went out to collect the Chinese for half hour -the convo started just before he left to get it...8ish he came back 830 ish, we had dinner and all seemed ok then about 9ish we started talking again and he said I have over reacted but as this point HE was clearly upset and put out...I said I don't need this and neither does he...I got upset and I asked for a cuddle and he said
Not right now...so I backed off and he said don't read anything into it I just don't want to cuddle you
We are very cuddly and that's all we do so him saying no to a cuddle I said that's not nice then he got all funny...head in hands saying just stop talking...stop attaching....then shall I go so I just said yeah I think you should
I didn't feel I was attacking
I was just talking but he just seemed really pissed off at me!
Then this was 11ish and he left...15mins later he came back and said this was silly but by this point I was absolutely gutted he made me feel quite upset so I said it was late so maybe he should go

WellErrr Sun 12-Mar-17 07:39:49

He sounds fucking deranged.

I love dogs, I have 3, but what he was proposing was just incredibly bad manners. Personally j don't have dogs in the bed or on the sofa, but if I did I would never expect this to extend to everyone else's house.

He needs to get a grip.

Kr1stina Sun 12-Mar-17 07:47:15

He's not perfect , he's selfish and argumentative.

Dump

picklemepopcorn Sun 12-Mar-17 07:53:53

He's withholding affection as a punishment.

The dog isn't the problem, you can work with that. You could stay mainly at his place, you could stop the dog getting on your bed and sofa. Eventually when you move in together you would have to establish whose rules you settle for.

At the moment though, there is no reason your sofa and bedding should be ruined permanently for a six week relationship.

He is overriding your preferences in your home. He's not discussing it sensibly. The most kindly way to look at his over reaction would be that he realises he might lose you over his dog. But I think he's just another entitled bloke that thinks he gets his way in your home.

I'm a dog lover. My boy would sleep in my bed, but DH says no.

OliviaStabler Sun 12-Mar-17 07:54:28

Get rid. A four hour argument that early in a relationship is a huge warning sign.

dibdap82 Sun 12-Mar-17 07:55:01

Deranged lol

I thought I was going to come on here and all tell me how insensitive I was being?!

It's such a relief to know that I'm not entirely at fault

I spoke to one friend and my mum before the dog came over so I was a little anxious at if he wanted the dog on the bed and they both said the same about standing your ground on the bed and sofa thing...it's a compromise at the end of the day

One where he's not prepared to
Compromise so I guess that's my answer

Just wanted to know for own sanity

He said something like he was fine with what I saying and he respects me BUT in the same sentence made a comments about me ' not getting my sleep' so I just feel he's not ok with me not wanting him on the bed
I felt awful for saying yes coz he keeps me awake?! We go to bed late when we see each other as where we are still or was in the honey moon stage - I've been ok with it but I'm talking 1-2 am and sometimes we've had work the next day and we are up at 6 then when I go back home to my lo we are up talking on what's app late and then I'm up with lo 6ish so yeah I'm knackered! When I stay at his, the dog then keeps me awake.
Then last weekend I stayed at his when my lo was at her dads and his niece was staying and came in to his room at 6am after we came home at 1am after a meal out - I then spent the whole morning and early afternoon with a 5 yr old strapped to myside watching me do my wake up, what's this, what's this, whilst my 5 yr old wasn't there?! and I'm thinking this is my weekend too?! I loved her being there but when he then says
So you can get your sleep I just think how disrespectful!
Why I'm mentioning this is I've met his mum, step dad, niece who stays every sat night ( he lives at home with his mum ) and it was all going so well

iloveuihateu Sun 12-Mar-17 07:58:38

I agree that it's your house, your rules.

Also you should be able to work out a compromise with each other rather than just argue?

I always had my cats sleeping with me but after I met DP (very light sleeper) they kept him awake grooming to which I was oblivious and snoring.

Anyway...we compromised. No cats in the bedroom except for the odd occasion when they come in for snuggles on a lazy morning.

ElspethFlashman Sun 12-Mar-17 07:58:40

It was all going well only as long as you ignored the things that bothered you though.

dibdap82 Sun 12-Mar-17 08:01:21

Pickleme

Exactly that! You've hit the nail on the head! You all have

These are the messages I've got this am....

You hurt my feelings and made me back off emotionally

You misunderstood and then I felt you vented at me about how you felt when actually all I'd been was considerate to your feelings

I've been nothing but good to you both

Then you wanted a cuddle but when you didn't get what you wanted you practically ended us and told me to leave.
You did this, not me

I almost feel like the words he has used are nothing to do with the convo we had last night of him being unreasonable and yes I asked him
To leave as I don't think it's normal or healthy to be arguing for so long
It's not I wanted him to go or wanted to argue hmm

SuperBeagle Sun 12-Mar-17 08:01:29

My dogs don't sleep on my bed (or furniture), but I would put my already-existing dog before a new relationship...

You can dictate what happens in your house, but you can't dictate what happens in his. How do you feel about the dog sleeping on his bed? Presumably at some point you either have slept in that bed, or plan to in the future.

I don't think relationships last when one person likes x pet, or pets in general, and one doesn't. I certainly wouldn't be with someone who didn't love dogs as much as I do.

Kr1stina Sun 12-Mar-17 08:03:26

Sorr, but you are way too invested in this relationship for 6 weeks in. You have met his family ? His 5yo niece is in the room with you ?

Has he met you child ?

ElspethFlashman Sun 12-Mar-17 08:05:22

It sounds like he's met your child already??

Okfine Sun 12-Mar-17 08:06:07

The way he sees that argument is nothing about the dog at all.

And the set up with his family and sounds ridiculous. You should be enjoying yourselves at this early stage not having angsty arguments half the night.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now