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Toxic mother- mixed feelings

(20 Posts)
midnightswirls Sat 11-Mar-17 23:09:42

So i have slowly come to realise i have a very toxic mother. I don't know when i first realised but i have had counselling for this in the past and currently trying to get some more. I always thought my childhood was happy and dont get me wrong, it was good sometimes when my mum werent having her mood swings.

This is what ive recently post about my mum

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2873480-aibu-to-fall-out-with-dm?

Being the pleaser i am, i took my son round to see her as she hadnt seen him in a few days. She didnt speak to me apart from a snide dig about me not looking after the dog so they can go away. I feel things wont change between us.

What i wanted to hear was other peoples experiences with toxic parents. How did you find the strength to stand up to them? Or did you do NC? I just feel like i cant carry on with this relationship and something needs to change. As im slowly realising what shes been like i feel very emotional and things feel raw. So please go easy.

WatchingFromTheWings Sat 11-Mar-17 23:23:02

My mother is toxic. For years she'd turn her nose up at the way I decorated my house. I'd spend days cleaning before her visiting but it was never clean enough. Everything that had gone wrong in her life was everyone else's fault, never hers.

I'd dread visiting her or have her visit me as she'd just bitch and moan the whole time. She got more bitter as she got older. Then she turned racist to boot. Celebrated every time a refugee boat sank, etc.

I couldn't stand up to her. I tried but she'd get vicious. So after a massive arguement I went NC last July. Best thing I ever did. Not just for me but she was also making vile racist comments infront of my DC and upsetting them. I'm not likely to ever speak to her again.

midnightswirls Sat 11-Mar-17 23:32:23

Wow it's like reading about my mum! A lot of similarities. She is very racist, doesn't like fat people and wants me to lose weight. When my LB is older no doubt she would try push these views upon him. My place is never clean enough for her and I'm labeled lazy. Yet she verges on ocd with her cleaning! I find it hard standing up to her too and I'm pleased I said no to looking after their dog. But in the past she has been aggressively intimidating if I don't agree. The thought of nc just seems so scary and I have guilt that she wouldn't see her grandson. I'm just so lost and stuck atm

WatchingFromTheWings Sat 11-Mar-17 23:39:20

My older 2 DC are at an age where they would insist they did not want to see her as they hated her being so nasty. So they had already said they didn't want to see her before I went NC. My youngest hasn't mentioned her once since. It's her loss.

And with my mother it was a cat! Wanted me to do a 20 min round trip at stupid o'clock in the morning to feed her bloody cat when my DSis lived on the same street! My youngest was a toddler at the time and I'd have had to drag him out with me.

DownTownAbbey Sun 12-Mar-17 06:43:09

One of my grandmothers was a vile old cow. My DB and I were forced to go and see her and hated it. Don't think that your DCs won't notice how toxic she is.

midnightswirls Sun 12-Mar-17 07:27:48

watching she seems to adore my son but I think as he gets older she could be the same towards him. She hates him messing up her precious house but he's 8 months old what does he know! That was one reason she gave me to come round once a week. Because we mess her house up. downtown yea I guess he would pick up on small things.

midnightswirls Sun 12-Mar-17 07:41:01

Has anyone got any more advice/experience?

Shayelle Sun 12-Mar-17 08:21:32

My mother... abusive, psychotic, violent, entitled narcissist. I am NC with her. Does your phone have a block feature? Just text saying you think its best you dont have any more contact then block. It does hurt at first a lot and it does still upset me to this day but for your own sanity and self preservation it sounds like you need todo this. Good luck flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 12-Mar-17 08:33:05

Its not your fault your mother is like this and you did not make her this way. Her own family of origin did that to her with the result being she has now dumped all her dysfunctions onto you.

You do not mention your dad; is he at all in your life now?.

I would look into why you are a people pleaser; there is plenty of info about people pleasing online. Your mother taught you how to people please and she will never give you the approval you still seek.

I would stop exposing your son as of now to her toxic manipulations; it will do him no favours for him to see you as his mother being so exploited. Bad behaviour should not be rewarded. Why should she see her grandson if she cannot at all treat you as her daughter with any respect?. What message does that send your child. Appeasing as you have done does not work.

She won't change but you can change how you react to her. I would also post on the well we took you to Stately Homes thread on the Relationship pages and read the resources at the start of that thread.

Out of the FOG is a very good website as well.

outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/no-contact

midnightswirls Sun 12-Mar-17 09:18:21

attila that is true. She told me a bit about her childhood the other day and I did feel sad for her. She said she used to be naughty and play up to get attention. Her parents weren't around much so she had to parent herself. Still doesn't excuse what she's like. My dad had a rough upbringing but isn't like my mum. My mum and dad are married still but he stays away from the arguements. I think he's learnt to have an easier life if he agrees with my mum. She can be awful to him and was when they were younger. Thank you for your honest advice it's really helped. I guess I do still try to please her which in turn makes me miserable. It is difficult as she isn't always like this. Just sometimes. I'll take a look at the website.

midnightswirls Sun 12-Mar-17 16:36:05

Does anyone else have anymore advice? Sorry I just want to see what people in my situation have done. Feeling really low atm being in a refuge and not having my parents support is tough

Hissy Sun 12-Mar-17 17:04:33

Your parents put you in that refuge darling!

Conditioning you to accept abuse has meant that these are the relationships you form.

I'm sorry, I know personally what it's like to suffer abuse, and to have your entire family turn their backs.

As hard as it is, you have to understand and accept that it's you and only you who can protect yourself and your child.

Use all the support given to you, keep going and don't look back until you're out of the refuge and into your own place.

Agree with limiting contact with your family, you need support not people undermining you're recovery

My family are all like this, it's hard, but it's the hand you're dealt

It's 5/6 years on for me and life is better than ever. I have no family, but that's meant life itself is way better.

MusicIsMedicine Sun 12-Mar-17 17:11:19

Toxic parents don't give support, just stick the boot in my experience. Don't run back to them when you're so vulnerable, they just chew you up and spit you out.

midnightswirls Sun 12-Mar-17 18:43:49

hissy I think deep down I know this. It's only that it's recently come to the surface. I always knew their behaviour wasn't normal. Me and my sister have spoken and she has said things which I agree with. It's strange because growing up my mum was always hovering over us, wanting to know everything. Now it seems when I'm going through a hard time she abandons me. She turned it around and said me and my sister worry her and therefore she's going through a hard time! Unbelievable.

Hissy Sun 12-Mar-17 19:43:04

Mine would ignore me for literally weeks if I so much as mentioned I was having a bad day.

If everything was tickety boo, she'd talk to me, otherwise I was on my own.

She dropped me like a sack of shit when the ex finally left.

When I had tonsillitis, proper fever in bed stuff, she didn't come anywhere near me. She used to live 10mins away.

Hurt my son and let me down time after time

Then she moved house without telling me her new address. When I asked her about it she said "well we were never close"

Hissy Sun 12-Mar-17 19:44:02

My dad always criticised me, she never defended or protected me.

Now I see exactly why I ended up in a dv relationship. What other "normal" did I have?

Hissy Sun 12-Mar-17 19:45:59

I'll go now.. but when my ex attacked me once, my dsis and DM called woman's aid looking for support for themselves.

I'm not kidding... they genuinely couldn't understand why they got such a brush off!

midnightswirls Sun 12-Mar-17 20:07:36

Yea I never realised why I was going for the "wrong men" but I do now. Because of how I was brought up and their relationship. Wow they called women's aid for themselves! I wonder what the person on the phone thought! My mum made out it was all stressful and upsetting for her! She reckon she's walked in my shoes being a single parent because my dad worked away for a couple of weeks. She just doesn't get it and thinks of herself.

Hissy Sun 12-Mar-17 20:30:52

The WA person was apparently shock

I have nothing to do with DM now, she and her vile h came Timmy house pushing and shoving me and ds because they'd phoned and phone after the move when I'd asked for time to allow the details of her having buggered off telling literally everyone else about the move/house/location and excluded me

The story she told everyone else was complete opposite of the truth. So she knew what she was doing

It's this that hurts the most, why do they believe her? Why not me?

I suppose the things she's done are so abhorrent they can't believe it, cos she's always so sweet to everyone else...

You need to limit contact love, get yourself strong, protect your little one and just get on with your life free of all these awful and abusive people.

Hissy Sun 12-Mar-17 20:33:38

If you're looking for a happy ending...

I'm in love with an adorable, sweet and wonderful man who is everything I need him to be, and more. We have each got exactly the relationship we need and it's just a shame it took us 30years to find it...

Life will get better when you get rid of those who delight in your pain and hurt.

It takes enormous faith and patience, but please never give up hope?

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