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Explaining to DS(12) why I stayed with abusive exh for so long

(4 Posts)
Notsureexplain Sat 11-Mar-17 19:46:46

Namechanged because this could be quite identifying.

I have 4 DCs aged between 12 and 1.
I met exh as a teenager and had DS1 soon afterwards. When I first started dating him exh was charming and loving. However it gradually went down hill.

I left exh last year after it all came to a head. I had to call the police and exh is currently in prison due to some of the abuse towards me.

So to today DS 1 wanted to know about some of the rules in rugby. I don't know any so I told him to Google it. He got upset because he couldn't find the answers he wanted and the other DCs were being loud. He then shouted at the other DCs to shut up and he hated them.
I told him not to speak like that and he stormed upstairs.

He then stormed back down stairs and started slamming the kitchen cupboards. I asked him not to do it and to go back upstairs.

He started shouting and saying that I was a rubbish mum and I should have left his dad years ago and everything was all my fault so I probably deserved exhs abuse.

I told him to go upstairs and he is there now.

I don't really know how to explain to him why I stayed so long. To be honest looking back I wonder why on earth I didn't leave years ago. I have no logical reasoning for why I stayed as long as I did really.

At the time I didn't feel like I could or that it would be in anyone's best interests for me to leave him.

I just don't know how to explain it to DS because it's just so black and white to him.

PastysPrincess Sat 11-Mar-17 19:56:56

I'm sorry this is really hard. I don't have any experience to offer but didn't want to read and run. Could you say something about when you are abused, as you have been, it robs you of all your confidence and independence. It took a long time for you to find it again and once you did, you left.

jayho Sat 11-Mar-17 20:03:16

Love, we are all different and it takes us different times to deal with stuff. It took me ages to deal with stuff with your dad that did not make me happy but I tried to manage things to make it ok for you all. I didn't do that and sorry. I'm sorry it didn't work and I'm sorry you feel let down. I only ever had your best interests at heart but understand I may have got it wrong got for you.
Tell me what you would have preferred and let's discuss how this works going forwards

At 12 he can cope with this x

Notsureexplain Sat 11-Mar-17 20:19:29

Thank you, he just sees it as black and white.
I should have left exh years ago and he doesn't understand why I didn't just do it earlier

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