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So confused...perspective needed desperately

(18 Posts)
AguasMil Sat 11-Mar-17 13:43:33

I'm a long-time lurker and occasional poster and find myself in need of help from some wise ladies.

My partner has left me and of course I'm feeling hurt and scared which may be clouding my judgement.

He works in a mainly female environment although there are a small group of males that he sees socially.
In fact, a couple of years ago he would ONLY socialise with this group of men as he found the women annoying and had more in common with the men.

Over the last couple of years he has begun to socialise more with a group that is mainly woman although sometimes other men may join them. At one point he was went out 8 weekends in a row with them which left me feeling rejected as we both work full time shifts and to my mind a night off together over a weekend is precious!

There is of course one woman in particular who he seems to spend a lot of time talking about and I started to become fed up of hearing her name at home every 5 minutes and I admit I became very jealous. They started texting each other out of work, just jokey things, nothing to do with work and I 'went mad' as he says. This consisted of me getting very upset and saying how inappropriate I found it considering the fact they are both in long term relationships and see each other almost every day at work.

To my knowledge the phone contact petered out although they continue to socialise together as part of this group. He is aware that I am jealous and suspicious of there relationship but he assured me it was purely platonic and I accepted this and tried not to make my jealousy issues his problem.

Of course I do not try to stop him going out with them, and have never felt the need to check his phone. I think it's an important factor that sometimes this group only consist of him, the woman I am paranoid about, his immediate boss who is in her 60's and a mutual friend although she is now closer to him as I no longer work with her, and another mutual friend who he dislikes and is not in contact with out of work at all. He only sees her out of work because of the group dynamic.

Last weekend as he was busy doing DIY he received a text message. As he had his hands full I asked him if he wanted me to check the message. He hesitated but said yes.
It was this woman saying 'check your whatsapp' an app that he told me he does not use.

I said 'you haven't got whatapp' and he said he had so I checked it.
I found a long chat between them that has been going on for over a year. There is nothing overtly sexual but it is definitely flirty, things like 'it was lovely to see you last night' and 'guess what I had for lunch?'. They had been messaging each other from different floors of there work place 'where are you? I neeeeeeeeed you!' and one when he simply text her 'come' which he told me was because he needed her to pick up a shift.

There were so many other hurtful things but I can't remember them, I was so upset and was reading them through my tears.
I 'went mad' as he says and he spent some time protesting his innocence then left for his Dad's.

He says they are just flirty banter, I see them as inappropriate. He lied to me about whatsapp. He says I am jealous and paranoid and mental, that he is not going to spend his life not socialising with other women. I have apologised for my jealousy and have tried to see it as innocent but i just can't get over the shock and hurt.

Now he is refusing to come home and tells me we are over. I am devastaed and one minute think it's my fault, the next that it is his for flirting with this woman behind my back.

I'd really appreciate a reality check, I can't think straight at the moment.

scoobydoo1971 Sat 11-Mar-17 13:59:52

I think your relationship is over to be honest...and it sounds like you haven't trusted him for a while and that can erode your mental health if you remain living in a situation like that. He is not looking to reconcile nor correct what is wrong in your relationship. You cannot live your life checking his phone and looking for clues he is up to no good, as that will destroy your mental health.

The friendship with the woman at work sounds like an emotional affair, and that would be the line in the sand drawn for me to conclude a relationship with a LT partner was over. You cannot sustain a relationship if you are feeling the need to tell him who he can see. He should prioritise you over other people. I am not suggesting he should not socialise with friends from work, or have time-out, but it sounds like he puts that aspect of his life before your needs.

Relationship breakups are emotionally fraught times, but with some space between you and your partner then you may come to see the whole situation in a new light.

AguasMil Sat 11-Mar-17 14:02:33

scooby that what I told him, that he was having an emotional affair but he denies this.
I am so sad and lost.
Thanks for replying

Heartbroken47 Sat 11-Mar-17 14:04:09

This isn't your fault. He has lied to you and betrayed your trust and the fact he's left now is a clear sign there is more going on than he's admitting to - even if just in his mind.

coolaschmoola Sat 11-Mar-17 14:13:59

I have ongoing email banter with a male friend at work. It's funny because we have a similar sense of humour and its chatty because we're mates. It may contain things like the comments you have seen but there really isn't any flirting. If I email him saying i need him it's because there is something I need him to sort.

The conversation between your dp and this colleague in itself could have been innocent. Mine certainly is. However the difference is that my DH and my friend's DW know that we are mates and chat at work. There is no hidden chat method and definitely no lies - because he's my mate, so why would there be?

Your dp HAS lied and hidden things. No matter whether the conversation was innocent friendly banter or not, there's a reason he has kept this from you.

That could be because he's having an emotional affair, or because you are maybe a little possessive (I'm NOT saying you are!) and would give him grief for having a friend of the opposite sex. My point is, only you will know why he would hide something from you. If you really don't think it's because of anything you've done then the conclusion has to be that he had something to hide.

coolaschmoola Sat 11-Mar-17 14:21:54

Hmm... Re-read your op. You did get upset previously and told him that you thought it was inappropriate to text because you were in relationships. Would it have been inappropriate if the friend from work was male?

The reason I ask is because there has been constant messages in my messenger work group this morning, all female, and if my DH told me it was inappropriate when I've been at work with them all week I'd be very unimpressed. I certainly wouldn't stop.

Doyoumind Sat 11-Mar-17 14:22:51

So he's been cheating - either emotionally or perhaps physically and it's your fault? This is the same old script used over and over by men (and women) in this situation. Don't let him make you feel it's your fault. He's looking for a way out. You just have to accept it's over and however difficult it might be, analysing it over and over in your head won't mend it.

coolaschmoola Sat 11-Mar-17 14:25:28

It's clear that, regardless of whether or not there is anything going on, you don't trust him.

The question is has he hidden the conversation because there was something to hide - or did he hide it because you 'went mad' when he wasn't hiding it because there was nothing to hide, thought you were unreasonable but hid it to avoid further conflict?

If he really had something to actually hide would he have been stupid enough to let you check his texts?

AguasMil Sat 11-Mar-17 14:28:38

Thanks for all your replies.
I think I'm just going to go to bed now.

coolaschmoola Sat 11-Mar-17 14:31:18

Why is there never any recognition that men and women can get on well and be good friends without having an affair, either physical OR emotional?

Some people on here would be utterly convinced I am having an emotional affair because I email a mail colleague.... I'm not. It wouldn't stop some posters telling my dh I was and to LTB.

Noone on here can tell you if he is or isn't having any type of affair - and its unfair of them to state it blatantly when you are clearly vulnerable. This is your life and your dp. You need to make your own mind up, not be told.

Butterymuffin Sat 11-Mar-17 14:34:07

I don't think this was appropriate behaviour from him. He's lied to you about whatsapp. He's prioritised time with her over time with you. And he has no time for your feelings about it, and is just telling you you're wrong. This isn't how people behave towards someone they love. It's hard but I think you're better off with it ending. Let him go. Cry it out but accept you'll do better by moving on.

Okfine Sat 11-Mar-17 14:36:02

I had a work colleague like this who used to text me (and other women) all the time, mostly about work and some jokey banter too. I never thought anything of it until one day he made a pass at me confused.

It's hard to say if your partner is a sleaze or just has a close relationship with people he works with. However I would say he socialises with them far too much and also his reaction is suspicious. If I had been confronted re my colleague's texts I would have said don't be daft, not left the relationship.

Angryangryyoungwoman Sat 11-Mar-17 14:49:27

The fact is that he is blaming you for your feelings, which are a valid response to his actions. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect your feelings. That's not a positive thing..

Doyoumind Sat 11-Mar-17 14:54:04

I totally believe men and women can have friendships that aren't affairs, but those friendships should not mean someone doesn't have time for their partner and prioritise socialising with these friends. And lying just isn't a good sign in any relationship. If he has lied, then kicked up a fuss at being found out and has left instead of reassuring his partner about the situation, and blamed her to boot, it doesn't sound good. It's the blaming that concerns me and that's what is upsetting OP.

DonaldStott Sat 11-Mar-17 15:36:33

Obviously nothing wrong with platonic relationships. Especially with colleagues you spend a lot of time with, but emailing/messaging 'i need you' because you want their help, has a sexual connotation - why do it? That is flirting. Why not put 'can you come to my office, I need your help with x'.

I certainly wouldn't be happy if women were texting my dh with messages like 'come' and 'i need you'.

It's way overstepping the mark.

I would call it a day OP.

Esoteric Sat 11-Mar-17 15:52:31

I also think people really need to think twice if it's all innocent about what they are texting to others with partners, I had this issue and although it was all crap, and I have since seen the stuff this person sends as I QR coded his WhatsApp to my iPad he was deleting because he was embarrassed at the amount of contact and knew I would be pissed off, rather than have the guts to tell them to'cut it'

Thinkingofausername1 Sat 11-Mar-17 16:52:21

It certainly sounds like an emotional affair. Spending more time with her, talking about her. He sounds like he doesn't seem to want to be sorry about his behaviour so, I guess now it's up to you whether to turn a blind eye; or make your mind up about your future wine

MatildaTheCat Sat 11-Mar-17 19:08:43

This has been going on for a long time. He went out eight weekends in a row without you to socialise with a group of, primarily, women? Without inviting you? That's not normal or loving in my world.

Let him go. It scarcely matters if he's having any sort of relationship with this woman although secret messaging isn't exactly a good sign. He's checked out and it's highly convenient to blame you for being jealous and paranoid. I would be willing to bet he has a new gf in a short space of time and it could well be this woman.

It's way more than having a female friend.

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