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Relate

(4 Posts)
Haribogirl Sat 11-Mar-17 13:28:56

I went to relate last week, councillor was I don't know!

I went for myself to get somebody else input into my thinking/behaviour etc in our relationship.
DP had affair, over now for the last 7 mths things are much better between us now.

She asked lots of questions and asked me how I felt about each one
But
I left and felt shit

She asked what we gave in common together
What we do/ go together
Sex life
Holidays
Pub/meals

We're 59/62
DP retired, me long term sick
We've not been away for about 5 years due to my health and money
She looked at me like No holidays😳
You don't share a hobby!!! His is motorbikes. Again like 😳
Meals/pubs. We have take out and bottle wine at home 2a week
What you don't go to the pub!!
What exactly do u have in common!

I felt like wow I'm shit am I really with the right person, I'm scared to go back next week. I feel worse now than before I went about us

Question
Do you have a hobby you share?
What do you do together week in week out?

ControlledAdultChild Sat 11-Mar-17 13:45:08

I went to relate with ex after he had an affair and found them absolutely crap. In hindsight, I should have asked for a different counsellor after session 1, rather than persevering.

Since then I have read lots of negative experiences on here. I think relate rely on being a "brand" that everybody has heard of.

Have a think before your next session whether it is the questions which have made you uncomfortable or the counsellor. Don't hesitate to ask for a different one if you don't gel with the counsellor. It is a difficult process and brings up a lot of stuff that is hurtful or hard to hear.

WeeMcBeastie Sat 11-Mar-17 13:55:19

I had a similar experience when I went (we had been twice before) The first time following him having an affair was successful in that we stayed together for another 3 years (before needing to go again!) We had 2 sessions the second time and he suggested that we didn't need it and should just discuss our issues instead. This was probably because the counsellor highlighted aspects of his behaviour that weren't acceptable. We had an initial session together and then had separate sessions. During my individual session the counsellor asked me similar questions and then told me that although she should be impartial that she really thought I should leave him because he was clearly an abusive twat! My friends and family had been telling me this for years but having someone impartial tell me this was like a moment of realisation for me. I'm divorced now and although it was hard, I am far happier. My only regret is wasting so much of my life with him and putting up with his shit.
I wouldn't go to relate again because I believe that if a relationship is bad enough that you need counselling then it isn't the right relationship for you. Obviously there can be exceptions depending on circumstances but I've known of lots of friends who have been to relate over the years. In all cases while it keeps people together in the short term, all have either eventually ended their relationships or are still in miserable and unhappy marriages. I don't know of anyone who has been to relate and has a better relationship as a result.
Life is too short to settle for something that doesn't make you happy.

howdiditgettothis Sat 11-Mar-17 15:29:44

I went to relate with my now ex partner. I knew it was over but found the sessions really useful in opening my eyes to how abusive he had been to me. This was just by the counsellor asking various questions. The lady we had was excellent. I do think a lot depends on getting the right fit. If you're not keen on your counsellor, then try another.

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