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Never met any of his friends or family

(42 Posts)
Greycat11 Sat 11-Mar-17 09:00:15

I've been with my BF for a few years now. We are both in our 40s, don't live together. This suits me as am divorced and a single parent and like my own space. My child is my main priority and I'm busy with a long commute etc during the week.

We sometimes do things the three of us, but normally he only stays over when DD at her Dads. We work in same building so I do see a lot of him at work. I've stayed at his lots of times and am 100% sure there's no other woman. Infact I'm his first GF. He's happy at his place reading, watching sport etc, his man cave I guess.

Anyway, as title says I've literally never met any of his friends or family (other than his colleagues but we work for same company.)

He's always there when I need him, very caring and we are very much a couple and in love.

We plan ahead to the next holiday etc but never beyond that. If we do have a rare conversation about the future and possibly living together, he talks about the future being in a couple of years.

I'm not in a hurry to live together I'm happy how we are.
But he's met my friends and family and they think it's a little wierd I've never met his.
I put it down to distance ( they don't live locally) and as I'm shy it suits me so I've never forced the issue.

I guess I'm a little worried that it means that he doesn't view me as a long term partner. I don't even think it's intentional on his part, may be on a subconscious level.
What do you think? Am I his Miss Right Now, but he's holding back incase someone better comes along? Or he's just happy with how things are?
Maybe he's ashamed of me (I'm a bit overweight and a bit socially awkward, not putting myself down. just a fact grin.)

He gets on well with his family but has been self sufficient for years and maybe likes to keep different aspects of his life separate?

I'm certainly not thinking about "LTB" for this, I'm happy the way things are, just wanted to see what you think.

category12 Sat 11-Mar-17 09:11:02

After years?

What does he say about it?

Greycat11 Sat 11-Mar-17 09:12:35

I've never made much of an issue about it, maybe I need to?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 11-Mar-17 09:19:06

After years?.

If he does get along well with his family (and what evidence do you have to show that?) they why have you never met them or his friends?
Does he actually have friends?. What do you know about him in terms of family background, has that never really bothered you?

I also think you are selling yourself short by settling for this. Its not really a relationship, you see each other as you work in the same building. I cannot see this ever moving forward beyond where it is now. He does not want it.

holeinmyheart Sat 11-Mar-17 09:22:56

Well this situation is something that worries you despite saying that it doesn't.
So you really need to discuss it with him as he may not realise that you are concerned, as he won't be a mind reader.
Discuss it and then get back to us.
If he says 'No' or puts lots of obstacles in the way then alarm bells can then ring.

DrMorbius Sat 11-Mar-17 09:24:27

Certain mates of mine only really ever have Miss Right Now, they always seem to be in a holding pattern incase someone better comes along. Sometimes their relationships are months, sometimes years, but never "for keeps". I am not saying your guy is like this, it's just an observation.

MrsGB2225 Sat 11-Mar-17 09:24:52

What about Christmas/Birthdays? Does he talk about siblings? Could you suggest meeting up with them for a drink/dinner?

Pleasemrstweedie Sat 11-Mar-17 09:33:30

Be careful. I was in exactly this position some years ago. In a relationship for two years, we worked together, stayed over at each other's houses but did not live together, had great holidays and plans for a, rather vague, future.

He brushed aside any idea that I should meet friends or family, even though he went regularly to see his elderly mother. They were a long way away but still in the UK. When I really pushed it, he eventually had to admit that he was still with his wife and it was her he had been going to see, not his mother, a,so, when I had thought he was at his mother's house, decorating, he was actually in Spain with his wife, his BIL and SIL.

I then dumped his sorry arse. Shortly after I met DH, who took me to meet all his close friends in the first two months we were together.

Greycat11 Sat 11-Mar-17 09:33:48

Oh God, ok. Thanks for feedback will speak to him.
His sister lives abroad I see her comments on his fb page, I know they Skype every week or two.
Other than that there's his dad and step mum and they live in Cornwall, he goes there for a long weekend occasionally.
He has a few friends he meets up with for a pint now and then, and his best friend lives near him and he's good friends with him and his wife.

Yeahfine Sat 11-Mar-17 09:42:15

Well it's odd that you haven't met his so called best mate. Family fair enough if they are not local but even then you think he would invite you for the odd visit. I think it's often a sign that they are not serious about you.

highinthesky Sat 11-Mar-17 09:45:56

Red flag alert.

Either he's hiding something or has NO friends/ social contacts outside of sparse family contact. This can only mean trouble.

Secretariat Sat 11-Mar-17 09:47:01

I was in a relationship for 6 years, never met his mates, kids, family etc. Always had excuses for this, we worked together aswell. A very clever snake that was living a double life with me and his wife!

Secretariat Sat 11-Mar-17 09:48:26

That is obviously a very short version. But I would confidently say all is not as it appears with your BF

Chasingsquirrels Sat 11-Mar-17 09:55:09

When I started seeing DH he'd only recently split with his wife, so he didn't want his kids to know about me yet - and so he didn't tell their mutual family friends for a while. But other friends that were just his knew AND I met his sister & her husband and his mum (who were all very welcoming) pretty quickly.

After a number of years I'd definitely be questioning things.

category12 Sat 11-Mar-17 09:55:18

You don't have to make a big issue of it, just say "isn't it funny I don't think I've met any of your friends and family after x many years?! Haha. You know, I think I would like to...?"

If he doesn't immediately say something like "let's go down to Cornwall next week" or "I'm seeing Fred next Thursday, do you want to come along?" then I would think very very seriously...

Flappyfishy Sat 11-Mar-17 10:01:54

99.99% He's married.

Greycat11 Sat 11-Mar-17 10:07:46

His family do know about me and I'm friends with his step mum on fb and she's said we should all meet up. So I'll suggest it to him.
Really don't think he is married or anything but I could be wrong.
Thanks for all your feedback I honestly thought you'd say yes it's a bit wierd but he's probably just set in his ways etc but this has been an eye opener for me.
I'm really worried now as thought this was for keeps but maybe I've been kidding myself.

unfortunateevents Sat 11-Mar-17 10:12:34

You stay over at his lots, his best friend lives close to there, you have been together for a few years, and you have never even met him?! Yup, weird. I don't know what the issue is but there's something going on and you need to tackle it with him. You don't need to be in a forever-after relationship to meet someone's friends and family. In fact, meeting the people who are important to them and seeing how they interact is a major stepping stone to deciding how compatible you are with each other, I would have said.

Hellmouth Sat 11-Mar-17 10:16:22

I think it is very weird that in a few years he's never found the time to introduce you to any family or friends. There's video chat on Skype, weekends away ... there's really no excuse. After a few months of dating, DP and I travelled from the south east to up north so I could meet some of his closest friends.

Tell him you're up for a long weekend in Cornwall ....

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 11-Mar-17 10:19:20

"His family do know about me and I'm friends with his step mum on fb and she's said we should all meet up"

They only know what he has told them and its not much.

Greycat11 Sat 11-Mar-17 10:20:43

Yep. Seems I'm being used doesn't it?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 11-Mar-17 10:23:05

I do not think you know this man as well as you think you do. His vague talk of the future is also a red flag.

We all fall for people for all sorts of reasons, and sometimes the most seductive people charm the pants off us specifically because they're so mysterious. In fact, every time we flirt with someone new, we don't know their full story — and not knowing their secrets is part of dating's kick. But let's be blunt: This isn't normal.

Even if the worst-case scenario isn't true, you should think about what you really want out of a guy. If you're looking for a serious relationship, you deserve to be with someone who's serious about you too. You deserve someone who will not just introduce you to a few friends, at the bare minimum — but someone who will open up his life to you.

gamerchick Sat 11-Mar-17 10:24:48

I think after years I would be forcing the issue tbh. All this shady stuff and I would want to be checking there isn't a wife and the best mate exists/not a secret girlfriend/bf. I've wasted my precious years on a guy who didn't deserve it. I regret it.

unfortunateevents Sat 11-Mar-17 10:25:57

I also can't believe that in the past two or so years, your DP has never had a single family/friends occasion to which you would normally be invited - not a single family wedding, significant birthday, funeral, christening, friend's wedding - none of those?!

Greycat11 Sat 11-Mar-17 10:30:30

I know the best friend exists. He comments on fb posts I've been tagged in
I was invited to best friends sons bday party recently but I had something else on so couldn't go.
BF was keen for me to go to the party (he didn't know I was double booked when asked me) maybe it all sounds worse than it is.

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