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Don't know what to do -sorry, may upset some

(103 Posts)
Dontfeelreal Fri 10-Mar-17 17:47:49

Please help me.

I don't know if what I'm feeling is valid but I'm very upset and struggling to function.

My marriage has not been working so we've not been intimate for months but today my husband has manipulated me until I've done as I'm told even though I cried the whole time. He made me come home from work knowing that I had a difficult deadline (I've missed it but actually can't even care about it) and I had to go back after and try act normally but did end up crying when a colleague was nice to me and have kept having to try keep myself together.

I don't know if it's rape because I didn't actually say no and did what he said but he knew I didn't want to and still made me feel like I had no choice.

I don't know what is going on and I'm pretending to be unwell so I can be in bed because all I can do is cry. I don't know what to do.

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 Fri 10-Mar-17 18:10:43

Have you got someone you can go and stay with tonight?
In my eyes this is rape, he manipulated you to get what he wanted.

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 Fri 10-Mar-17 18:14:10

Trying to find rape crisis number for you but my battery is about to give up.
Have you got family or a friend who you can call?

Dontfeelreal Fri 10-Mar-17 18:15:57

I'm scared of what he will do if I take the kids or make a fuss. I am completely confused.

He's just tried to get me to one side to talk to me but I'm too scared of what he's going to say.

ImperialBlether Fri 10-Mar-17 18:18:15

Do you have someone you can go to now, OP? It's clear to us that he raped you. Has he been violent to you in other ways?

BettyBaggins Fri 10-Mar-17 18:18:20

Oh luv, this isn't good. It is sexual abuse. Are you at home with him now? Did this just come out of the blue or have there been other instances/violence? Are you safe?

ImperialBlether Fri 10-Mar-17 18:19:25

This is the contact page for Rape Crisis. You can email them - that might be better than calling if he's around.

And flowers for you, OP. I'm so sorry he's hurt you.

CharlotteCollins Fri 10-Mar-17 18:19:27

It is rape, I'm sorry. He knew you didn't want to.

And your feelings are always valid. And certainly in this case. Can you get somewhere safe with your DCs?

Italiangreyhound Fri 10-Mar-17 18:19:47

Please can women's aid. They will advise you. If you afraid he will physically hurt you can you call someone to come and help you leave. Do you have anywhere to go?

Italiangreyhound Fri 10-Mar-17 18:22:13

www.womensaid.org.uk/cover-your-tracks-online/

Dontfeelreal Fri 10-Mar-17 18:23:11

I don't know if I'm safe. I'm questioning everything.

I think he's been verbally and emotionally abusing me for years but he says it's me. That's why I've distanced myself. All he cares about is making me start having arc with him again.

I told him I didn't want to until I knew he could be loving in other respects but he hasn't stopped pressing and I THINK threated to kill himself if I didn't come home and do what he wanted.

I don't want to go to the police but I don't know what I CAN do. I can't see how I can get over this and I'm scared it will happen again.

What's wrong with me that I'm too scared to just get the kids and run?

I don't know what I've become and I despise myself.

BettyBaggins Fri 10-Mar-17 18:23:47

0808 2000 247 This is the number for www.womensaid.org.uk and this is their email helpline@womensaid.org.uk

Just email them what you have posted here. Do it now.

category12 Fri 10-Mar-17 18:24:25

What sort of man would do that to you while you cry? I'm sorry.sad

You need to stay safe and make a plan to get out of this relationship. If you are in danger, the police will help you.

BettyBaggins Fri 10-Mar-17 18:25:58

You have no reason to despise yourself, this has been a long time coming and your confidence has been worn down.

Your key priority is to be safe. Does he hurt you when the DC are around?

Dontfeelreal Fri 10-Mar-17 18:26:27

Will they tell the police do you think?

I can't face it.

I'm sorry I've put this on your heads but so grateful to be able to safely tell someone.

Dontfeelreal Fri 10-Mar-17 18:28:48

He doesn't physically hurt me. He punched my shoulder once but diminished it because it didn't bruise.

I used to think women like me were stupid. I really do think he's purposely done this and I still feel sorry for him.

CharlotteCollins Fri 10-Mar-17 18:28:50

You're bound to be scared. But I think it's the not knowing what to do now that is making you feel helpless.

Would you like to leave him? If you could just wave a magic wand and it was done?

BettyBaggins Fri 10-Mar-17 18:29:46

No, I don't believe they will tell the police. They will guide you on the next steps you can take.

Do you have a good friend you can tell?

CharlotteCollins Fri 10-Mar-17 18:30:52

Having sex against your will hurts a LOT more than a bruise.

CharlotteCollins Fri 10-Mar-17 18:31:47

I mean, psychologically. And the wound lasts longer, too.

Dontfeelreal Fri 10-Mar-17 18:33:06

I've wanted to leave for a very long time but I'm scared of the fallout. I don't love him because he is unkind often. I really do think he is abusive but he then convinces me that I'm unreasonable and that I've no right to complain if I've put up with it for 19 years. I'm only 37, I want some happy years and I won't get them with him.

Dontfeelreal Fri 10-Mar-17 18:33:59

My friends are already frustrated with me. I would be too. I'm pathetic.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread Fri 10-Mar-17 18:34:56

I agree with Imperial email rape crisis, they will help you.

Sherlock35 Fri 10-Mar-17 18:36:17

My STBXH has recently left the house and our circumstances were similar. We had an arranged marriage when I was 21. I am now 35 and I have just started the divorce process. He also pressured me to have sex with him numerous times. Pretty much almost every time we ever had sex. I just want you to know that it is possible to end the relationship. I spent years thinking I was stuck and I couldn't cope with what would happen. But I can. And I am. And you will too. Lots of hugs to you. Do try Women's Aid. They can be really helpful.

category12 Fri 10-Mar-17 18:36:54

Perhaps you could start making small steps towards getting out?

You could talk to women's aid as a starting point. You could make an appointment with a solicitor.

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