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Girlfriends wants baby but we don't live together

(18 Posts)
user1489153187 Fri 10-Mar-17 13:59:24

Hi all. I've joined here specifically to post this question.

I'm male aged 37. I have 2 boys aged 9 and 7 from my previous marriage, been separated followed by divorce since 2010.

In 2014 I met my current girlfriend via online dating. She lives an hours drive from me approximately 40 miles away. She has one son from a previous relationship who is 4, 5 in June.

We get on well and I am happy when I am with her. When I am not with her I get very lonely and am not really happy on my own.

But because we live 40 miles apart, me living near my own children and her living with her son and near her family, we are really struggling being able to live together. I have my children at weekends and it's not realistic to be driving them up and down the motorway 4 or more times on a weekend (as they do weekend activities like football near where I am now). My girlfriends son is at school local to her, and her family is there also.

My girlfriend wants another baby. She has always wanted more than one and wants her son to grow up with a sibling. She has been looking at getting an adoption or a donor because of our issues living away from each other, obviously that had been very hurtful for me recently.

She does not know whether she even wants to live with a partner. She is independent and I think feels it's easier just to do it on her own never having to worry about interference or compromise.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her but having a baby with her and not being there (staying living where I am now) is not how I imagined my life to be.

I'm very confused. Maybe we should just call it a day if we want different things but maybe I am being unreasonable I just don't know any more.

Obviously I have had to condense the whole story into this relatively short post so happy to expand on whatever I need to to get some advice.

Thanks.

HecateAntaia Fri 10-Mar-17 14:03:37

do you want to have another child? to be a father to another child?

that's the first and most important question.

do you want to bring another child into the world to love, raise and support?

forget your girlfriend. forget logistics. answer that question first.

if the answer is no then there is no more thinking to be done.

if the answer is yes that's when you ask yourself the second question. is it fair to bring a child into the situation as it would be.

if the answer is no, again, nothing further to plan.

if the answer is yes, that's when you get into how it would work.

Tearsoffrustration Fri 10-Mar-17 14:10:38

Only seeing my son half the week is so hard for me - I personally wouldn't have another child knowing from the outset I wouldn't see them everyday.

ElspethFlashman Fri 10-Mar-17 14:16:09

Call it a day. It's pointless.

TheNaze73 Fri 10-Mar-17 14:18:23

Do you actually want another child?

ijustwannadance Fri 10-Mar-17 14:18:30

Leave her to get a sperm donor. That's clearly all she sees you as. She wants another child and isn't arsed how she gets one.

Does she work?

user1489153187 Fri 10-Mar-17 14:31:07

Will try to pick on the questions raised.

If we lived together as a family, and we're financially secure, then yes I would be happy having another child. Problem is that because we aren't doing that I can't commit to having another baby.

She does work yes, as a midwife. She is a bit younger than me at 30. She is a kind and caring person with similar morals to me and has a supportive family. She isn't a dole dossing benefits chaser. If my kids weren't in the picture I would be happy to move to where she is but they are in the picture obviously.

OrangeJulius Fri 10-Mar-17 14:31:32

You don't actually say anywhere that she wants you to father her second child, in fact you make it sound like she doesn't want you to.

So why are you asking if you should father this child when you haven't been asked to? Or is there more to this that you haven't written?

TBH from what you've said, it sounds like she knows your relationship isn't going to work out and is quite happy to pursue a child on her own.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Fri 10-Mar-17 14:31:44

It would make sense for your gf to move in with you and then try for a baby if you are both serious about your relationship. Her child is only 4 so he can enrol with a primary school near you. Although you say she has family where she lives now, a distance of 40 miles isn't far to travel to visit.

If you're not prepared to father a child and then be excluded from raising them, then don't. Her comments that she wants to "do it on her own, without interference or compromise" are a huge warning sign.

Ellisandra Fri 10-Mar-17 14:49:26

Well that's an "accidental" pregnancy waiting to happen hmm

Although I may be unfair to her as she's clearly stated what she wanted.

Walk away NOW. And triple up your contraception if you don't make that now now.

Don't have a baby outside of a committed relationship.

You know how you can't drag your boys up and down the motorway now? That's you and child 3 in a few years time. Which ones are you going to spend time with? Which ones are you going to make sit in the car?

I'd advise caution in a committed relationship but this - just no.

user1489153187 Fri 10-Mar-17 14:51:41

This issue has been hanging over us for 18 months.

When we first met we got caught up in the excitement of the new relationship and i said i would have more children and even started looking into moving near her. But during this process i realised the inpact it would have on my own children and had to take a step back. Since then we've been in this limbo. But I miss her and don't want to lose her. So I have recently said that I would have another but I want her to move with me.

She has never lived with a partner before and is worried about moving and it not working out which is fair. This is why she feels it would just be easier to do it on her own. But it makes me feel horrible being faced with that choice.

ElspethFlashman Fri 10-Mar-17 14:56:25

If she doesn't put you on the birth cert, then it's bye bye baby for you. And if she wants to do it alone, why should she?

You are a sperm donor, no question. She started looking for another child literally within a few months of meeting you? Wake up and realise thats all she wants - she can take or leave you.

user1489153187 Fri 10-Mar-17 15:15:57

I'm not sure it's that simple. Obviously it's hard for me to get the intricacies across here. She says she cares about my boys, and she likes my family, and I've known her son for over half his life. Up until her son started school she would visit me and my boys as much as I visited her. It was a two way relationship. It's a bit different now as her son being at school and her work shifts make things difficult.

And everything is just all clouded by this one issue which is getting worse because she wants another child as a sibling for her son and feels she is running out of time.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Fri 10-Mar-17 15:33:49

Would each of you moving in together mid way (20 miles) be an option?

You have repeated mentioning that she has never lived with a partner before. Does this mean that she is implying that she will not live with you, ever?

Imho, she is being honest with you. You need to listen. If I were you, I'd call it a day. It is already very complicated and adding a half-sibling will not necessarily be smooth sailing for your kids.
Also, tbh, If her child is already 4 or 5, she is kidding herself that another child now will be a playmate-the age gap is already too significant (I get the 'won't be "alone" in the world'-but still, it isn't a given that they will have a positive relationship).

NapQueen Fri 10-Mar-17 15:36:23

Her son is only five. If she really wanted to be with you she would make the move. He is only halfway through Reception class its a very mobile age. Midwifry is a national job really isnt it.

She doesnt even know if she wants to live with you. Do not give her a baby.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Fri 10-Mar-17 17:13:51

If you don't want to lose her, then what about marrying her?
Until then=an "all in" comitment (equally from her as well) what ellisandra said regarding you being in charge of contraception.

user1479305498 Fri 10-Mar-17 17:31:53

I hate to mention this but if you say ok and it doesnt work out, you then will be stung for child maintenance etc. I know someone who actually intended to be a sole parent, actually quite liked it but made sure she got a very nice and genuine man to father the child who she knew would 'play fair" only to opt out the relationship pretty quickly. Im not saying thats the case here but with the other complications in this, if it doesnt work out, you could find yourself in a complicated and expensive situation.

pinkdonkey Fri 10-Mar-17 18:50:08

So shes not committed enough to want to move in with you incase it doesn't work out but she wants to have a baby with you or a donor. I would walk away.

You are quite rightly putting your existing kids first. So lets imagine that you go ahead and have a baby with her and are shuttling up and down the motorway between your existing kids and your new baby. Is this fair on you or your new baby. Then imagine your relationship doesnt work out and you meet someone else who wants a commited relationship and maybe even kids and you are still shuttling up and down the motorway between your kids and potentially a new family.

It sounds stressful and potentially all the kids involved end up missing out on quality time with you.

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