I really struggle with friendships; they don't come naturally to me. My parents had few friends as I was growing up and my mother was pretty self absorbed and wasn't particularly good to the ones she had.
I made a decision that I never wanted to be like her and since having children, I've ensured I still have friends and that I'm there for them when I can be. However, it's not worked. I have never been asked to be a bridesmaid for a friend, yet watched my other friends be bridesmaids. Some friends want me in a crisis and then move on when life is good again, a friend I have known since high school is going through divorce and appears to have called on every friend apart from me. I keep texting, calling, trying to arrange to visit her but she cancels or says she's busy.
Another group of friends organised a night out a few weeks ago and they made their way in groups of 2; I had nobody to go with and offered some a lift, but nobody took me up on the offer. Therefore I cancelled as I didn't want to have to walk through the town on my own in the dark to meet them (car park is a mile away from the bar) and none of them appeared to bother about me on my own whilst they all had someone to travel with.
I do have a history of cancelling on them as my own DS has had constant illnesses since birth, leading to hospital tests etc. Few friends have been there for me particularly. I always feel like the final choice friend, the "if nobody else is available" friend. I've never had a best friend, although I can pull away... I once had a competitive friend that wanted my attention constantly so distanced myself from her. I just can't seem to get it right at all.
If I make the effort I just feel foolish and unwanted and if I don't, nobody seems to notice.
I have a friend who lost her DM just before Christmas, I lost my DF at the same time and it seemed everyone was concerned about her, nobody even came to visit me.
Maybe I'm self absorbed, maybe I give bad advice, maybe I'm crap company, I just don't know. I'm quite independent, don't belong to any one friendship group and am happy with my own company, maybe it's this? I just feel a bit crappy tbh. I see other friends who are much more selfish and unreliable than me, but perhaps funnier, more outgoing, more charismatic and people flock to be around them; I'm not sure they actually care about people like I do. I'm at a loss.
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15 replies
loxlinlee · 10/03/2017 13:30
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