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(27 Posts)
Littlemisssorrow Fri 10-Mar-17 10:40:04

I have name changed.

My DH and I have been married for 4 years. When we got together I was clear that I detest smoking and could not be in a relationship with a partner that smoked. He told me he had given up 2 years prior to meeting me. His family smoke and have continued to do so.

The last 4 years have been stressful with various life events. Each time he has felt stressed he has smoked 2 or 3 cigarettes. A few times he has lied about it but the smell gave it away. Four years on and he still smoked around 10 times a year with his family actively encouraging him to do it.

I've reached breaking point. The reasons being that I detest it. But more importantly, he has had 3 mini strokes. His health is delicate following a terrible accident. He has asthma from smoke inhalation caused by the accident. I'm terrified about his health and he has been told by doctors that smoking can lead to another stroke. The previous strikes have affected his working memory and his temperament.

I love the very bones of this man. However, he is breaking my heart by smoking and placing his health at great risk.

We have cried together about it. He has promised me he will never do it again (but still does) and we have talked about it endlessly. He still does it.

What do I do? It is beginning to seriously affect the love I feel for him.

pudding21 Fri 10-Mar-17 12:23:50

In reality his few fags in stressful situations are not going to affect his health long term. He isn't smoking daily, so if I were you I would let it go but tell him you don't want to be around him if he does. Don't make it the forbidden fruit. He lies to you because you create such an issue over it.

Its really affecting your love for him? Do you not have any habits/ vices/ crutches? He isn't mainlining heroin or anything, doesn't smoke every day etc. i appreciate you really don't like it, but it doesn't make him a bad person. By the way I am a non smoker, but if people chose to smoke, it doesn't bother me at all.

pudding21 Fri 10-Mar-17 12:26:29

Also I would like to add, stress is probably more of an issue for your husband with his medical history. If having one or two cigarettes when he is stressed it might actually help him relax. if you have never been a smoker you probably wouldn't understand.

My grandmother was a smoker, she had 7 kids, one severely disabled and a very stressful life. Her release was to go into the garden and sit on her bench and smoke for 5 minute peace. I think she would have cracked if she didn't have that time to smoke. Just a thought.

jojo2916 Fri 10-Mar-17 12:28:38

Smoking is a physical and mental addiction and some people really struggle to give up even if they really want to. Once you have been a smoker that temptation could return his health love for you etc won't change whether he's able to stop. In fact research shows negative ways of getting people to give up drugs e.g you will die if you carry on are in effective. Positivity is better e.g you smoked before and you have done well to not get back into it heavily or you've done well with not smoking lately lets do something to celebrate. I understand where you are coming from but pressure can make it worse. You can't make someone give up an addiction unfortunately. Hope you both work it out

RyanStartedTheFire Fri 10-Mar-17 12:54:28

It's not an addiction if he's only smoking 10x a year. I would be at the end of my rope too, OP.

PurpleDaisies Fri 10-Mar-17 12:59:40

If he's only smoking 3 cigarettes ten times a year that's going to have virtually no effect on his health.

If it's a habit you just can't live with, it's up to you to decide what you want to do about it. It doesn't sound like he's going to stop completely.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 10-Mar-17 13:02:40

I appreciate you must be worried sick.
He sounds a good sort who nevertheless in times of extreme stress reaches for this particular crutch.
Have you looked into hypnosis?

Littlemisssorrow Fri 10-Mar-17 13:02:44

In the latest crisis we had he smoked 20 in 9 days then got more sad

jeaux90 Fri 10-Mar-17 13:05:32

God you can hardly describe him as a smoker! Even two a day isn't much!!

Leave him alone or see if he'll try electrics (I gave up a seriously bad smoking habit two years ago on electrics) ten motives are good. Not the disposables ones though, they aren't very strong.

Littlemisssorrow Fri 10-Mar-17 13:07:18

As it is he will die before me, his health is very delicate and he is on morphine for pain control and will be on it for life.

He has PTSD over the accident, it was highly traumatic.

Am I being a cow?

HappyJanuary Fri 10-Mar-17 13:08:06

Are you sure it isn't really about you feeling annoyed that he's defying or ignoring you?

If you really can't live with it, you know what you must do.

PurpleDaisies Fri 10-Mar-17 13:08:22

In the latest crisis we had he smoked 20 in 9 days then got more

That's a bit of a drip feed.

RyanStartedTheFire Fri 10-Mar-17 13:11:23

I don't think you're being a cow. I couldn't be with someone that didn't take their health seriously.

jeaux90 Fri 10-Mar-17 13:11:42

Yes you are being a bit of a cow and unreasonable if you want to end your relationship over this

160A4 Fri 10-Mar-17 13:13:15

It's kind of difficult to follow how many cigarettes he is actually smoking OP due to your drip feeding.
I was going to say don't even worry about it when you mentioned how many he was smoking over the course of a year. To read that he'd been crying over smoking that amount was really quite disturbing. However now you've mentioned a packet of 20 in 9 days, it's possible that's the start of the slippery slope.
I smoked 40 a day for almost 30 years, gave up 15 years ago after many attempts. The only thing that made me stop was my own absolute commitment. All the nagging from DH, friends etc didn't work. It has to be his choice to stop

Littlemisssorrow Fri 10-Mar-17 13:16:03

Sorry, the 20 in 9 days has been the only time it's been that amount. Over 4 years it is usually 2 or 3 each time.

I can accept I am being a cow.

I just love him dearly and want him to be around in our old age. If I could bubble wrap him I would!!

pudding21 Fri 10-Mar-17 13:27:47

Littlemisssorrow: he shows restraint not smoking normally, but uses it when he is stressed. You pressurising him and making him cry over a few is more likely to push his blood pressure up more than a few crafty fags. If you tell people not to do something, it makes it more attractive and more likely to do it.
If I were you, state your stance on it but tell him its up to him and let him decide. The more you bring it up the more its like a forbidden fruit. 20 in 9 days is still very little.

pudding21 Fri 10-Mar-17 13:29:17

And if he has PTSD, maybe smoking helps him. Have you ever seen a smoker who had a very stressful situation reach for a fag? There is a reason for that. He needs help with his PTSD and think about using a vapouriser perhaps?

TheNaze73 Fri 10-Mar-17 13:56:19

Not many people would tolerate this OP. He's a liar.

Littlemisssorrow Fri 10-Mar-17 14:00:15

He has extensive support for his PTSD over the years. The last stroke he had 18 months ago changed his temperament and he is very quick to anger and struggles to contain it. I know he uses smoking to stop his anger.

I wish I could be a better person and just not be bothered by smoking. But it does bother me an awful lot.

virgospirit Fri 10-Mar-17 14:42:57

maybe some nicotine patches would work for when he feels stressed instead of smoking a couple of cigarettes?

pudding21 Fri 10-Mar-17 15:13:30

Or gum? Or one of those inhalators. Has he tried any of them?

hollinhurst84 Fri 10-Mar-17 15:15:49

Would he vape? I went from 30 a day to none, and haven't smoked for 9 months

Littlemisssorrow Fri 10-Mar-17 15:20:19

He has used gum but that wasn't very effective.

I doubt he will agree to try vaping, I will mention it.

lizzyj4 Fri 10-Mar-17 15:45:22

Tbh considering how little he's smoking, I'm pretty sure the stress associated with having to discuss/argue about it every time he slips (and the fact that this has turned into such a 'big issue') is probably more harmful to his health than the actual smoking. If you can't tolerate his smoking at all, then fair enough, but don't hang it on the excuse of concern about his health.

I say this as someone who is v. anti-smoking. You sound really intolerant. Sorry.

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