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I'll never be with anyone that respects me

(22 Posts)
samanthajayne17 Fri 10-Mar-17 10:24:54

I just feel sad that I'll never be with anyone nice. People like me don't end up with men who treat them well. I'm stuck with someone who's selfish and it's making me angry. I guess I was destined to be with someone who would always put me last. Woman like me who come from bad homes and broken homes don't end up successful or with men that respect them. Well I don't know About others but this is what's happen to me. Been with my husband nearly 12 years he's 9 years older than me, I was 17 when I met him. He's a selfish person. Puts me last. He's always doing what he wants. Monday he went doing DIY for someone to earn him extra money and didn't get back till late. Tuesday he went to the gym till late hours. (He has been to work that day Aswell) Wednesday he was at work till 20:00. Thursday he was at the gym till late, tonight he's going on a night out after work and tomorrow he's on a sleep in at work so will be there over Night coming back Sunday) So I've basically been left with the kids and the baby everynight. I tell him how I feel but his reply is 'other woman wouldn't Moan' so I've got no choice but to accept it becAuse other women wouldn't complain but I hate spending every night alone with the baby ( I love my baby boy to bits though) but it gets lonely. I've had no motivation the past few weeks so I've not done any housework ( only done the basics) because I feel that all I am is a unpaid cleaner. Yesterday I needed to go to town to get things, he took me in the car because I can't leave the baby with him because Baby is breastfed still at 9 months old and won't take a bottle (I've tried) so if he cries for milk or he's tired I have to be there. Then I get a text telling me my 5 year old was desperate for the toilet so had to go back to the car and take her because he didn't want to get out and go take her with the baby. I didn't get everything done that i needed as I lost motivation to. I now have to spend the day cleaning the house before the school run because I can't leave it any longer and doing it all with an impatient baby waiting for attention. Where's the fun and excitement in my life.

inkydinky Fri 10-Mar-17 12:25:50

Other women wouldn't moan? Seriously? If he thinks that perhaps he should find himself one?

notgivingin789 Fri 10-Mar-17 12:32:21

You know what I think ? You are wasting your life with this person. You met him when you were 17 and wasted your 20s on someone like that.

Yes you were unlucky that you found someone like that. But what are you going to do about it ? Moaning and self pity won't help. If you want out of this relationship, then get out. You will only put up with shit men unless you stay with them. Take control and leave. Your obviously not happy.

PatriciaHolm Fri 10-Mar-17 12:41:49

You don't have to stay with him. He's not your parent, or your jailer.

Isadora2007 Fri 10-Mar-17 12:48:18

People with no self respect often end up with people who dont respect them. I am heartened by your recognition that you are a "nice person" so that's a good step and so is this- you are seeing that you are not happy and that he isn't being fair.
The important bit now is what you choose to do. Your background may mean your relationship models are not good and that confrontation is difficult. But I would suggest a sit down chat about your life and your roles and what you would like to happen next.
Maybe your husband will surprise you? Have you ever tried to say in an unemotional and quite calm way that you do not like the balance of responsibilities? I find it odd you call your child "my 5 year old" as if she isn't his? And maybe that's how he feels too- like you and the kids are one unit and he is separate. That isn't good for anyone.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 10-Mar-17 12:55:25

Yes he is a selfish prick.
But what do you want to do about it?
I assume you are currently a SAHM?
Are you on maternity leave?
Could you get a job?
Is your DH a high earner?
He's basically treating you like an unpaid childminder and cleaner.
You are still young.
You could start again.

Please also contact Womens Aid and enrol on their Freedom Programme.
This will help you to set your own relationship boundaries and avoid arsehole men in future.

Contact CAB and see what benefits you would be entitled to.
Do you have full access to money?

Idrinkandiknowstuff Fri 10-Mar-17 12:59:15

Well you won't if you stay with him, that's for sure.

My story, ex no 1 and DDs sperm doner, was 24 to my 16, insisted I got pregnant and I was so young, and desperate to escape semi abusive parents I just went along with everything he said. He beat me, raped me, tried to get me to prostitute myself to his friends, and beat me some more when I refused, used my DD to control me, with the oh so predicatable line of he'll get custody. Finally saw sense and escaped, didn't take long for ex no 2 and my first husband to appear on the scene.

Exh was nice, or so I thought, he worked, and didn't hit me. He did however control all the money and refer to it as his, despite me working full time and earning more. The car was also his, and he "spoilt" me by giving me lifts to and from work, we worked in the same building. This of course was only if I was in favour, when I wasn't I had to walk and he'd cheerfully drive past me in the pouring rain. I could go on about what a year he was, but you get the idea.

Contestant no 3 popped up six months after I left exh. This one only lasted a year, he spent the whole of that year telling me how grateful I should be to him for having anything to do with me as I had a "kid" and men don't want baggage. Said "kid" was my by then 20 year old DD who was living in Malta!

Finally, finally, came to my senses and ditched him (to his utter astonishment) and decided to be alone for a while.

Three years later, enter now DH, a nicer, kinder, more respectful and loving man you could not hope to meet.

Moral of the story, lose the fuckwit, look after yourself and your kids, and who knows what may happen. One things for sure though, whatever it is it'll be better than the shit you're getting now.

Summerdaydream Fri 10-Mar-17 12:59:17

I think you need to think more highly of yourself! Your OP screams of 'well this is fate and my life was always destined to be this way' but why?

If you go through life thinking you don't deserve to be with anyone who treats you well then you probably won't be, because you think that's all you deserve.

Why does your upbringing mean you shouldn't have respect? Or be successful? You have to believe it yourself. It may sound harsh but if you keep giving the impression that you don't deserve anything then that's probably what your going to end up with.

Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel or have you kept it to yourself?

user1479305498 Fri 10-Mar-17 15:11:04

Can I just say that people who on paper have good self respect and dont seem to have issues can still end up with people who treat them poorly , it is across the board OP, you just dont always know what goes on behind other peoples curtains, so please dont think its because "you are as you are". You deserve far more than this.

Fmlgirl Fri 10-Mar-17 22:40:12

I come from a very broken home. I worked hard with lots of knock backs to work on my career and have learnt that I no longer need to look to men to validate me as a person. Everyone deserves to be loved but you sound very low and not like you love yourself very much either. I would work on that first.

samanthajayne17 Sat 11-Mar-17 01:00:52

Thanks everyone know your all right. I don't think very highly of myself. My self esteem is extremely low.
Idrinkandiknowstuff I'm sorry for what you went through it sounds horrific! But glad you have found someone that treats you right.
He is a very selfish person I have spoken up him how I feel and he goes mad and says I'm 'nagging' he doesn't like to be told he's in the wrong. He told me he would come back for midnight and then spend some time with me and he even bought a bottle of wine up share for when he's back. He's not back. He's let me down all over again. I don't trust him either
Just feel like shit right now

SimonSmithsAmazingDancingBear Sat 11-Mar-17 05:18:17

You didn't have to go back, you chose to go back.

Once you get your head around this, you will be able to see a way forward.

Your response should have been something along the lines of, "I haven't finished yet, you'll have to take them. Other dads would just get on with it."

I do understand what you mean. I am very emotionally damaged from my upbringing and I'm now single because I can't sustain a relationship with a decent man and I'm not prepared to be with a crap one for the sake of not being single! But even if being single is the life you choose to take, it doesn't need to be forever and it's a damn sight better than being with someone who treats you like shit!

SimonSmithsAmazingDancingBear Sat 11-Mar-17 05:21:48

Sorry that refers to the returning to the car because the 5 year old needed the loo.

I mean this in the nicest way (because I was no different for a long time), sometimes it's easy to think you only deserve to have someone who will treat you like shit. So you experience it, you allow it, you get cross about it, you get upset about it, you get angry about the unfairness of it and then you just put up with it because you think that was all you were ever deserving of anyway.

It's not.

You can walk away from this situation. It's just that at the moment you haven't realised this and you are frustrated that this is how it is. It doesn't have to be.

PollytheDolly Sat 11-Mar-17 05:42:35

Life's too short to live like that. Time to move onto better things OP. They are out there and you deserve it flowers

SewMeARiver Sat 11-Mar-17 05:58:18

I see this differently. But I'm only going by your O.P. so ignore if you want.

I disagree that "Woman like me who come from bad homes and broken homes don't end up successful or with men that respect them" I think your DH does respect you. I think he's being an arse, but no man has to marry a woman he doesn't love. I don't think he sees you as unworthy or anything, I think he works loads of hours and is stressed (you mention him working extra DIY jobs for more money) and that is making him self-preoccupied and neglectful.

His neglect in turn is making you think back to your past and it is compounding those negative emotions from the past and making you feel especially shit. When you come from a dysfunctional past it is easy judge every hurt caused by your partner extra harshly. It makes the impact of every hurt extra hard.

Your response to his neglect is exactly the one I would take, pulling back on housework, 'telling him' spelling it out how I feel, begging him to spend time, wondering how he doesn't get it, assuming he doesn't love me. Phoning him and asking when he's coming back. Getting resentful, starting to hate his guts, crying etc etc.

Guess what? It will only switch him off more, you will not get what you want. It will just more firmly entrench him in staying away. You need to do the opposite if you want him to listen. Its bloody unfair, but in my experience, men do not respond to being prodded (their interpretation of nagging) they get resentful and stay away.

I don't know if you still love him (if you don't then why bother) but try changing tack. Drop the subject for a few weeks, try make him feel welcome even if he stays out late and see how that goes. Gritting teeth may be necessary. This is very unfair, but it may get you what you want which is ultimately more time together.

Like I said this just my opinion. I had this same scenario once, just no baby. I did all those things you're doing. I was so hurt. But in the end I thought about my children and decided to concentrate on my own happiness, ignored him and decided I would no longer base my joy on whether he spent time with me. Once he saw I was happy regardless of him, he not only started coming home earlier he actually took me out for dates. Now I rarely have to to ask him to spend time with me. I don't wait for him. If he spends time out I ask him if he had a nice time and enjoy my own. I can see it visibly flusters him.

Nothing stops a man from taking you for granted more than the thought that you're capable of happily living without them.

Try it and see. What have you got to lose? If it doesn't work. Then you can always walk.

Heatherjayne1972 Sat 11-Mar-17 07:21:32

'Other women wouldn't moan'???
Oh yes they would!

You deserve better.

samanthajayne17 Sat 11-Mar-17 10:07:06

Just asked him why he didn't come back early like he promised and he is , because your not worth it' just sums him up

samanthajayne17 Sat 11-Mar-17 10:13:07

I wasn't worth him coming back early for just shows what a bastard he is

Hellmouth Sat 11-Mar-17 10:58:12

He doesn't respect you, and he's not enhancing your life. I think you got together with him when you were too young and vulnerable. Do you want to stay with him? Honestly, is there anything good that trumps the bad?

SimonSmithsAmazingDancingBear Sat 11-Mar-17 14:24:04

You're right, he doesn't respect you. You know that. But then you're the fool putting up with it. So what next?

PoorYorick Sat 11-Mar-17 14:41:14

I'm stuck with someone who's selfish and it's making me angry. I guess I was destined to be with someone who would always put me last.

You're not stuck and there's no such thing as destiny. You have choices available to you. You always have choices.

HecateAntaia Sat 11-Mar-17 15:03:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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