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Emotional affair vs close friendship

(18 Posts)
Annesmyth123 Fri 10-Mar-17 09:51:25

Hi I'm trying to untangle my thoughts about my own actions around the time of my divorce and wondered if you thought I'd had an emotional affair?

We worked together. Me female, him male. He was single I was married.

He had visited the house (shared hobby) and on one occasion when my now ex then husband was out of the room commented that my now ex husband wasn't being fair.

We saw each other in work for coffee. And he would ask how i was

He pointed me to help (WA and Freedom programme) and talked to me about emotional abuse, and as a part of that I shared some of what my ex had done/was doing.

He advised me to get out.

I did leave, I am many years out, he and I are still really good friends but that is all - I have a DP now and am happily partnered up with him, but some posts on here over the last few days about emotional affair and the damage they do have me doubting myself.

Did I have an emotional affair and if so is my thinking about my ex being emotionally abusive and disengaged from me emotionally all wrong?

JonesyAndTheSalad Fri 10-Mar-17 09:52:49

It doesn't sound like an emotional affair. They're charactarised by the participants experiencing a frisson of excitement before seeing one get a thrill just thinking of the other person.

ShowMePotatoSalad Fri 10-Mar-17 09:53:51

No, there was no romantic inclination at all. He sounds like he was an amazing friend to you but nothing more.

Emotional affairs involve romantic conversations or talk of leaving your partner for that person.

Annesmyth123 Fri 10-Mar-17 09:54:53

So romantic attraction at all. 😂 No thrill. No frisson. No talk of leaving partner or anything like that.

Bluebell9 Fri 10-Mar-17 09:55:19

From what you have described, he sounds like a friend supporting you through a tough time.
If he was a she, would you be having the same thoughts?

Jellybellyqueen Fri 10-Mar-17 09:55:54

No, just sounds like one person helping the other out in a difficult time. It doesn't sound like you were hiding anything or setting up secret meetings/texts because you fancied him.

Annesmyth123 Fri 10-Mar-17 09:58:09

I didn't tell my ex every time I met him. But my ex was physically and emotionally abusivr so I wouldn't have told him anyway. I didn't tell him when I was planning to leave and I didn't tell him everything I talked to about my female friends

revengeongc Fri 10-Mar-17 10:02:20

I have a best male friend who (because he's currently going through a tough time healthwise) I contact daily, Whatsapp him pictures and jokes and support. The difference, like others have said, is in the secrecy. My husband knows everything I'm doing, fully supports me and I'd be happy to show him each and every message to my friend.

Annesmyth123 Fri 10-Mar-17 10:03:19

But I didn't tell my ex. It was secret in that sense. But neither did I tell him when I was contacting my best female friend.

watermelongun Fri 10-Mar-17 10:05:42

No of course you didn't. You had a friend - who happened to be male. I have male friends. It is allowed.

ShowMePotatoSalad Fri 10-Mar-17 10:08:50

But the reason you didn't tell your husband wasn't because you fancied this man and you wanted to start an affair with him. You didn't tell your husband because he was abusive, so you couldn't share information with him like you would in a healthy relationship.

Annesmyth123 Fri 10-Mar-17 10:10:09

Correct Showme. But. At the same time. It ticks a lot if the same boxes. So I wonder does it feel to my ex like it was an emotional affair? Or,wouldit, if he had the insight (he doesn't)

DevelopingDetritus Fri 10-Mar-17 10:18:29

Sounds like he was a good friend. They are few and far between.

Annesmyth123 Fri 10-Mar-17 10:51:17

He was and he still is one of my closest friends. He's married now, and has a baby on the way.

But I'm reading another thread on here today and I'm feeling like the woman in that case hates the OW her husband had an emotional affair with and did I do the same? I relied on him emotionally to an extent for sure, but it wasn't a physical thing in any sense no way would there ever have been an affair. Nor has there been.

pudding21 Fri 10-Mar-17 12:06:22

The difference is you were in a emotionally abusive relationship, was that evident as you were having support from your friend (had it been happening a long time with your Ex?). You used your friend for support and of course you didn't tell your ex because he would have known your intentions about thinking about leaving. Sounds like you conducted things well, and there was no romantic involvement.

I have a could of good male friends I asked for advice from when I was thinking of leaving my Ex, no romantic feelings, just support. Ex didn't know of course, because if he had known he would have been livid I was talking to someone else (male or female) about our issues.

If it wasn't for me talking about it to anyone, I wouldn't have left. You have no reason to feel guilty. You needed support at a difficult time and you were lucky to have him.

Kikikaakaa Fri 10-Mar-17 12:37:09

I rely on my male best friend a lot. He's gay, but that is not relevant, he's just my very good friend. This doesn't sound like an EA, he sounds like a great friend

TheNaze73 Fri 10-Mar-17 13:57:15

This is friendship, I see nothing wrong with this at all

Annesmyth123 Fri 10-Mar-17 14:00:16

Thanks everyone. I've been second guessing myself as I have anxiety

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