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Almost 3 years later and still unsure what this was.(5 Posts)
This is going to be long and full of details that could be triggering to some.
Almost 3 years ago my ex (after we had been broken up for almost a year) had sex with me when I didn't want it.
It's not the first time something like this has happened to me but for some reason its not as black and white as the other experiences have been in the past with other people and he's still in my life so I'm left confused.
He was visiting our daughter and his bus wasn't due to arrive for a little while after she was in bed so he stuck around. Earlier that day during my daughters nap he had tried it on with me, it wasn't unusual as we had slept together on and off since breaking up. When he wanted me to go down on him I couldn't bring myself to, the thought of it made me uncomfortable, I started crying and told him I didn't want to be doing this stuff anymore. He was somewhat annoyed but passed it off in a kind of jokey manner. This is where it gets confusing for me, over time I've forgotten parts of what happened but I remember before he was due to leave that evening he started having sex with me, I don't remember how it started but I was instantly uncomfortable. I told him we shouldn't because of no contraception and I was ovulating (which was really just an excuse to stop), he kept going and then I stopped it and moved away, he then tried to get me to go down on him again and I once again made an excuse of saying I didn't feel right. I moved away again (I can't remember everything I said when I stopped things apart from the flimsy excuses) but he then got up behind me and started having sex with me again, I remember feeling somewhat defeated and awkward, I didn't want it to be a "thing" and face up to the fact that he was having sex with me when I didn't want it, I remember my thoughts were all over the place, I even remember rolling my eyes and trying to internally brush it off as nothing to distract myself from how horrible I was feeling. It only lasted a minute or so before he finished. He got up and told me "You shouldn't have told me you were fertile". I felt disgusted.
I knew throughout that I didn't want it but also for some reason felt too awkward to do much more than give excuses to stop, I guess because I felt we were friends and I didn't want to turn it into a big deal, I just wanted it over and done with. He left pretty much straight after, I immediately told a friend that "he had sex with me but I didn't want it." and he told me it was rape. I didn't want to hear it or for it to be true and wanted to just forget it happened, it wasn't like what I'd experienced before but I also wonder if past experiences had effected how I dealt with it. I wanted to know if my ex had known what he was doing was bad. I messaged him something like "You shouldn't have had sex with me when I didn't want it." (again, something I don't remember clearly) and he text back apparently shocked and saddened that I viewed it that way and to him he didn't know.
I ended up telling a therapist I was seeing for anxiety issues what had happened and without my consent they told the police. They told me they had to because of safeguarding which I've been told makes no sense in my case. I told her I didn't want the police involved but they still went ahead. It made the whole situation worse. The police woman I had to deal with told me to tell her all the details, went through my messages to my ex after it happened and pretty much told me that he seemed sorry and then went on about the women that lie about these things and how they can go to prison. Because I was already confused about what had happened and if it was even rape this really scared me and I had a giant panic attack after she left. I knew I wasn't lying but I was already questioning myself. I didn't press charges seeing as I didn't want any police involvement in the first place and I had rape counselling throughout that time but I still find myself going over and over it in my mind. As time passes the memory feels more fragmented and I end up questioning myself all over again and getting back to square one.
He moved far away after it happened and because he's an awful father he only comes to visit my dd 2-3 times a year but I can't face seeing him and have to get other people to deal with him when he's here. I still have to message about things and it just brings it all up again. He pretty much acts like nothing happened. A few months after it happened after I really pressed him in an email he told me again that he didn't know, it was a communication issue and he wouldn't have done it if he had known. I go between thinking that maybe he didn't know to thinking that he's being manipulative and he knew and just didn't care.
I woke up this morning thinking about it and I just feel like I need confirmation or to vent or something. I don't know how to deal with it in my head. Sometimes I feel stupid even thinking it was a thing and wished I could have just brushed it under the carpet as nothing but it just keeps haunting me which makes no sense as it wasn't this violent loud thing, it was someone I once loved and thought I knew well making me feel horrible and sick. I hate that the way I dealt with it (not speaking up more to avoid making it a thing) has made it worse for me in the long run when it comes to punishing myself and wondering if I even deserve to be feeling this bad or if my feelings are valid at all. Whether I like it or not I'm tied to this guy for life and although a part of me wants to dismiss what happened I can't feel right about it, I can't forgive it.
I just don't know what to do or what to think still. Has anyone been through similar?
I can't scroll past....I am so sorry you've had such an awful thing happen to you...he raped you....that is what happened. ...you weren't to blame.
OP is there more background to this, how was he during your relationship? I am suprised your counsellor reported it as a safeguarding issue as you told her in confidence. Anyway, just wanted to say sorry you are dealing with this and could you go for some more counselling ( not the one you had before)?
You need help to process this and understand you were not to blame, and it was not your fault.
There's no related background really. We massively rushed into things, I got pregnant within the first year of knowing him and then he left before dd's first birthday. He was grumpy and prone to mood swings because of a weed habit that reared its ugly head after a year. If anything he was disinterested in sex when we were together. I guess I feel like I've never really known him and that event really proved it.
I may have to go for more counselling but I sort of feel as if everything that can be said has been said and I'm now just left to pick up the pieces.
But good counselling should help you put the pieces together in a way that helps you move on. It shouldn't just be about you talking about it - it should help you change the way you think.
You do sound like you don't have great boundaries. I think it would be important for you to feel stronger in future relationships. Why don't you see what Women's Aid may offer?
I think you didn't have a great experience with the particular counsellor you worked with but you shouldn't feel you're stuck with feeling like this forever. There are other counsellors/ organisations that could help you.
Is it possible your counsellor thought your child was at risk from her father and that's why they contacted the police?
Sorry that happened to you.
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