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Hurt that STBXH won back the OW but didn't try to win me back

(26 Posts)
OhBlissOhJoy Fri 10-Mar-17 00:46:12

I know I am being pathetic but I'm really hurt! I wouldn't have taken him back if he did!
STBXH had an affair, as soon as I found out I threw him out. Have never done the pick me dance. A few days after we broke up he came on to me and I rejected him. Over the months since he has sent me the odd text to say he misses me and still loves me. I haven't replied to any of them.
A couple of weeks ago I heard that he and OW had split up. I think she dumped him. It coincided with a period that we were in contact again over the house sale/clearance after a long period of NC.
Last weekend I had to go to the house to clear some stuff out and he was in. He was really down, had received notification from the court that morning in the post of the date of our Decree Nisi hearing. We ended up talking about why we felt we hadn't worked out, then he asked me to leave because he was so upset. Then I found out he got back together with OW later that day!
I'm so hurt that he seemed to be so upset about our imminent divorce but spent his energy on wooing her. Be gentle with me, I'm feeling fragile, but I feel so rejected again. I'm posting this because I need to busy my hands and mind because I am itching to text him telling him I miss him.

Shitalopram Fri 10-Mar-17 00:51:35

Ah you've really been through it. Enough to make anyone feel wobbly.

Don't waste any more of your time on him. Just keep building your own happiness and I promise you, one day not too far from now you will look back and wonder why you wanted him. Cry all the tears you need, rant and rave to friends. But don't contact him. He's clearly the "string along" type and IME you have to cut them off dead. Good luck x

ClodTheGoat Fri 10-Mar-17 01:52:43

I think he did try to win you back with the texts and the sadness about divorce but probably knew you're made of stronger stuff eg you've ignored his texts. She's perhaps more of a pushover and exactly the same approach led to reconciliation.

Doesn't mean there was some great wooing on his part.

My ex was similar. He knew he'd burnt his bridges with me. He can't bear idea of being alone and picked OW with low self esteem and healthy bank balance!

HappyJanuary Fri 10-Mar-17 05:57:02

I think he sent her the same crappy messages he sent you and told her the same crappy things, but she was pathetic enough to fall for it.

It's easier said than done, but let this be the last time he worms his way past your defences.

My xh is the same. He's miserable but would rather be with ow than alone. It gives me satisfaction actually, that he's miserable, that she's with a man who would rather not be with her.

Penfold007 Fri 10-Mar-17 06:23:27

You didn't do the pick me dance, he did. You didn't pick him but OW did.

SweetieBaby Fri 10-Mar-17 07:10:19

From what you've said I think he did want to get back with you but when he realised that wasn't going to happen he went back to ow instead.

I wouldn't envy her tbh. She seems to be second best, the "any port in a storm".

Be gentle on yourself, allow time to heal and then re build your life. In time I think you'll realise that you had the lucky escape.

TheNaze73 Fri 10-Mar-17 07:50:42

He did try though & you weren't interested.

He sounds like he just wants to be with anyone & not alone. Sad really.

Don't give him anymore headspace

ohfourfoxache Fri 10-Mar-17 07:56:58

Please don't be hurt- be thankful thanks

TheDowagerCuntess Fri 10-Mar-17 07:57:52

He's obviously gone with the second, back-up option, the OW, because he couldn't get you.

He sounds like one of those men who just can't be alone, so sloppy seconds is better than nothing at all.

Tenshidarkangel Fri 10-Mar-17 10:42:34

Sounds like major rebound to me. You said no so he looked for some ego stroking from the OW.
Keep your chin up OP. Know you did the right thing.

Valentine2 Fri 10-Mar-17 10:51:17

I think you know very well by now that he is a weak twat. And so not worth it. I can imagine the hurt you are feeling and I think it's natural to feel this way. But now is the time to start looking forward to a different and far more positive future than you could have with him. it's the best thing to do now and you will see that time heals everything. So just give it time. flowers

user1479305498 Fri 10-Mar-17 11:32:22

I think to be honest he is just the kind of bloke who has to have "someone" in his life and she was easier to win over.

Ellisandra Fri 10-Mar-17 11:34:58

She (poor fool) is the pushover.

You know that he hasn't given her flowers or anything vaguely showy to "win" her?

All he's done to try out the same tired old shite that he tried on you and you wisely rejected.

ShowOfHands Fri 10-Mar-17 11:36:51

Congratulations on leaving and staying away. You may feel sad but you're doing magnificently. It will hurt less over time.

littlefrog3 Fri 10-Mar-17 11:43:33

I have to agree with NAZE. He did try to win you back (FIRST!) and you ignored him/rejected him. (And you were quite within your rights to.)

He has 'won over' the OW after FAILING to win you back. She is his 2nd choice; and she has your leftovers.

He sounds like a pathetic twat who needs to be able to have his cake and eat it, then acts like the walking wounded when it goes tits up.

The OW will probably dump him soon as he sounds like a weak and pathetic bell-end.

Good for you for not crumbling, but don't feel blue; he wanted you, and SHE was his second choice.

Don't be surprised if he and the OW finish in a few months.

And when they DO, tell him to fuck off if he tries to come back to you.

Have some flowers..... flowers You deserve them. grin

annielouise Fri 10-Mar-17 11:53:16

Agree with the others. He tried but you weren't having it. He tried with her after that and she clearly has lower self-esteem than you and fell for it. You've had a lucky escape. One day you'll realise that. You have boundaries. Even if he'd tried harder for a longer time to win you back - would it have been the right thing for you? Is that what you're feeling back about? That he didn't try harder? He didn't have it in him obviously so wasn't right for you. He's freed you up to find someone better.

AristotlesTrousers Fri 10-Mar-17 12:13:12

Agree with the others - sounds like you were his first choice and OW his back-up option.

Please don't consider giving him another chance though.

OhBlissOhJoy Fri 10-Mar-17 15:32:46

Interesting replies. I hadn't considered it that way round. It's very true that he can't be alone and the main reason that he keeps giving for why we didn't work out is that he wasn't getting enough attention.

TheDowagerCuntess Fri 10-Mar-17 19:36:09

So there you go.

Please think about this - she hasn't won some prize; she's lost, by default, the booby prize.

Onwards and upwards. flowerscakewine

Shitalopram Fri 10-Mar-17 21:55:38

There's a word for that - co-dependent.

Onwards! X

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Fri 10-Mar-17 21:58:07

He did try to win you back, you, quite rightly, fucked him off. Pat on the back as he is no fucking prize, onwards and upwards.

KatieScarlett Fri 10-Mar-17 22:03:54

She got your leftovers.
You should feel sorry for her, really. No one wants to be the fallback girl.

Hermonie2016 Fri 10-Mar-17 22:14:57

It seems like he knew if he tried to make it work with you he would need to change.OW is still guilble and yet to know what he's like.It's just much easier to work on her than you.

Since you didn't fall at his feet he will secretly respect you more.

He probadly did try to woo you (in his own way, tears etc) but you have higher standards and less likely to be fooled.

It's sad to say goodbye to a relationship so your feelings are very natural.

OhBlissOhJoy Sat 11-Mar-17 00:03:07

Thank you all for making me feel better. He can pull the wool over her eyes that he is the big successful man but I know that he is all talk. He knows that I have seen him for what he is and can't stand that. He needs her to validate him and make him feel something he knows he isn't.
Onwards indeed flowers

Isetan Tue 14-Mar-17 09:47:51

Hopefully she'll preoccupy him enough for these crazy ideas to stop taking up your headspace. She wasn't wooed, she's been played.

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