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Dad died and husband went to conference

(81 Posts)
StilletoRose Fri 10-Mar-17 00:40:57

My dad died On Sunday. It was a shock. And it was also from an illness I have a precursor form of (quite unusual so it might out me). My husband went to a conference for work Tuesday-Wednesday.

I didn't ask him not to go- he's made a fuss before if I get in the way of work stuff.

When I started crying about it today, he said I could have asked him to stay home and he would have. It's also taken him til today to connect with the fact that as well as losing my dad, I am now very worried for the future I.e. Will I die from the same thing.

I'm a) not sure that would have been the case b) not sure I'm able to stay with someone who doesn't see that it's a bad idea to leave a freshly bereaved spouse on their own for a couple of days (my mum is dead, no siblings, so no family to be with in his absence) c) also not sure I am in the best frame of mind to make any decisions.

He's never been the most emotionally intelligent guy, but I am really floored by this.

FuzzyFalafelz Fri 10-Mar-17 00:46:37

My husband would do the same without realising. It isn't intentional at all and I do have to lay out how I feel and what I need from him.

Can you chat to him on the phone about things? Who else will support you? Friends?

weeonion Fri 10-Mar-17 00:46:59

Stillterose, I am so sorry for your loss and your own health worries.

Is there anyone else offering you practical and emotional support?

RedastheRose Fri 10-Mar-17 00:47:55

Sorry about your husband being an unfeeling twat. You shouldn't have had to ask he should have known not to go. Smacks of him not really thinking (or perhaps caring) that you are suffering a major bereavement and the additional worry about the possibility of that being your future. He doesn't sound very nice to have done that but you are right you shouldn't make decisions like that at the moment. Don't forget it though, I think you might need to have some serious discussions about his priorities when you are better able to cope about why he didn't think about you!

StilletoRose Fri 10-Mar-17 00:50:44

He's back now Fuzzy. The reception was bad at the venue and he was in sessions 8am til 7pm, then dinner til nearly midnight, so we struggled to talk much as needed to rely on room phone.

Thank you Onion. Not really. I've made an appointment with the GP for next week (got offered tomorrow but couldn't face it yet). We moved to a new area last September, so not really close to anyone nearby yet.

StilletoRose Fri 10-Mar-17 00:53:27

I just can't get my head round it Red. I think I might be obsessing about it a bit to take my mind off my dad though.

On the one hand I know he doesn't mean anything by it, it's just a blind spot. But on the other hand I don't know if I can take the damage even if it's accidental.

Aquamarine1029 Fri 10-Mar-17 00:53:34

I'm sorry about your dad and that you're feeling so upset, but your husband is not a mind reader. It would have been preferable if he had the emotional depth to know he should have stayed home with you, but you've already stated he's lacking in that department, as are many men. Your real problem is that the two of you don't know how to communicate. How can you expect something from him when he doesn't know you need it? You need to figure out how to talk to each other NOW, before this ruins your marriage.

StilletoRose Fri 10-Mar-17 00:55:50

I didn't tell him Aqua because he's told me not to ask him to cancel work travel for family emergencies before.

We do try really hard to work on communication, we talk so much about it. It seems to get better, but this makes me think we're just on wavelengths to far apart to bridge.

Out2pasture Fri 10-Mar-17 00:56:08

Condolences OP but I certainly wouldn't expect someone to "stay with me" for more than a few hours after such news.
he was with you Sunday when you heard, and Monday.

StilletoRose Fri 10-Mar-17 00:57:17

No he wasn't Out. He was at work til 8pm on Monday.

EyeStye Fri 10-Mar-17 00:58:27

flowers you poor poor thing. I am so sorry for your loss and for your insensitive idiot of a husband.
My DH behaved in a very similar way. My Mum died about 6pm one evening, had a long term illness but death a big shock, totally floored me. I also had no siblings and my dad was dead. My DH went to work the next morning leaving me alone to do the phone calls through my mum's address book then tried to insist I took our 5 yr old to hospital the following day for some planned surgery. I wasn't fit to look after a hamster let alone watch my precious DD go under a general anaesthetic 36 hours after I'd lost my mum in the same hospital. Tbh we never got over it. He had a go at me about not clearing her house. Wouldn't drive with me to see her partner of 30 years after the death actually asking what the point was and refusing to get out the car when he eventually took me after an argument.

He finally apologised about 3 years later when his dad died and he acknowledged he hadn't given me any time to grieve or understood my grief. It took a long time to get over and we've never been the same. Like you I didn't want to spell out or was even capable of saying what I wanted, he just wasn't there nor had any empathy. I really really hope your DH can step up for you now but I wish you lots of strength for the time to come.

StilletoRose Fri 10-Mar-17 01:00:40

Thank you Eye. Both his parents are still alive, he said himself he's got no idea what bereavement is like.

StilletoRose Fri 10-Mar-17 01:01:12

I'm sorry you went through that Eye flowers

Out2pasture Fri 10-Mar-17 01:01:51

it's personal right? for me a few hours would be fine initially.
I know the rawness and pain will crop up again over time but I wouldn't see the need to have someone with me much longer than the first day.
it boils down to communication if you needed more time you needed to ask because there is no standard around grief.

StilletoRose Fri 10-Mar-17 01:03:50

He told me before not to ask him to cancel work travel for family emergencies Out. He wouldn't cancel a meeting to come to my granma's funeral with me. So I didn't think I was allowed to ask.

FuzzyFalafelz Fri 10-Mar-17 01:04:30

The really important thing is that you vocalise your need for support and how you want to be supported - and he takes it on board and takes action!

Don't reassess your relationship or point the finger at him. You are in emotional flux. Give him the opportunity to support you.

Grief is a deep thing and people react in so many different ways to it. It's sometimes hard to know what the right or wrong thing is.

FuzzyFalafelz Fri 10-Mar-17 01:06:39

That is disappointing OP.

So ask him to cancel his work. Text him now and ask him to come home because you need his support. You feel heart broken and alone.

His response is very telling.

StilletoRose Fri 10-Mar-17 01:06:59

But when I do vocalise what I need to him Fuzzy he tells me not to talk to him about it! I can't get through to him and he doesn't guess!

FuzzyFalafelz Fri 10-Mar-17 01:08:10

Family emergencies are usually things like sickness bugs or A&E accidents. Death is different.

mermaidsandunicorns Fri 10-Mar-17 01:11:03

flowersflowerssending you love op

I am shit at dealing with death and your dh may be the same

StilletoRose Fri 10-Mar-17 01:11:15

I think I thought he would have learned a bit from my granma's funeral Fuzzy., that it might be different this time.

He is back. He didn't really understand why I started crying tonight. It just puzzled him. He said he was scared that I would,start crying again.
So I went and cried in the bathroom with the door locked.

FuzzyFalafelz Fri 10-Mar-17 01:11:48

That is worrying. Why doesn't he want to talk about it?

My husband has Aspergers and isn't insightful. However despite struggling comprehension wise, he would do anything for his family.

StilletoRose Fri 10-Mar-17 01:14:36

I tried to ask him Fuzzy. But then it got too much for me to try to talk to him calmly about why he found it upsetting for me to talk about my dad's death, as it obviously reminded me of my dad's death and I started crying and then he told me I wasn't treating him like a decent person would because I wasn't talking about it calmly.

I've got no idea how to approach this.

StilletoRose Fri 10-Mar-17 01:16:29

Thank you Mermaids.

So I just pretended to be ok and we watched some TV. He made me a owl,of cereal, told me to watch more TV to calm myself down as he was off to bed. Then I had a long cry again and now I'm trying to make some sense of it.

FuzzyFalafelz Fri 10-Mar-17 01:17:58

www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm

OP can you both read this. What you're feeling is normal even if he doesn't understand.

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