Feeling letdown over hen night

[startingover231]

I'm wondering if I am justified in feeling let down by my friend attending OW's hen night? XH left me after almost 25 years for OW about 2 & 1/2 years ago. They're now getting married next month. When we split up , inevitably after so many years we had a number of joint friends and I have tried really hard to not mind that some of our friends have stayed in contact with him and therefore by default come into contact with 'her' too. I never wanted any of my friends to feel 'in the middle' between us and I made that clear in the beginning.
I'm not particularly bothered that they're getting married, as far as I'm concerned they're both cheats and deserve each other. I've tried not to mind that our grown up children are attending his wedding and indeed that my DD is being a bridesmaid or that some of our friends are going to the wedding, but I was floored this evening to hear from my daughter that one of my good friends is going to the OW's hen night! Her DH is one of my XH's closest friends so I'm not surprised he is going to his stag night but I am quite hurt that someone I consider to be 'my' friend is going to her hen night.
How would you feel about that? Am I being unreasonable?
Would you say something and risk losing her friendship? Or is the fact she's going to the hen night an indication of 'sidetaking' that you couldn't forgive?

[2017willbeawesome]

It's definitely a step too far, you have more than reasonable about everything else - more reasonable & sensible than I can imagine myself being. Sorry she has chosen sides, time to find new and better friends. People often do try and be friends with both parties after a break, but going on the hen do of the OW is beyond insensitive and inexcusable.

[Kittencatkins123]

That's not acceptable!!!!!!
Also it's gross that they are having stag and hen dos - why not be a bit more discreet given the circumstances.

Sorry OP

I would just say this is a bridge too far and while you haven't asked anyone to take sides the least you'd expect in terms of very basic friendship loyalty is not going to her effing hen do.

Or just block and blank her - she is a shit friend anyway.

[tribpot]

I'd definitely be upset about that. It may be that OW invited the partners of the people going on the stag do and that's how your friend has ended up with an invitation, but accepting it seems to be going above and beyond what is needed to not being obviously holding a grudge.

I think I'd either break things off as 2017 says, or tell friend you're hurt that she's made this decision and see what she says.

[MadMags]

I completely disagree!

It sounds like she's in a position of sorts, with her being your dh's friend, her dh being his close friend, and them going to the wedding.

2.5 years is long enough to establish a friendship.

And your friend probably assumed you'd moved on.

[MeDented]

Maybe you have done such a good job putting on a front so that your friends don't feel caught in the middle that she genuinely doesn't realise this would hurt you. Try telling her nicely. I can totally understand how hard it must be, all your friends and your own children will all be there at the wedding and you are excluded when you didn't do anything wrong, it's really tough. Speak to your friend, stop putting on a brave face xx

[Meowstro]

It's one thing to go to their wedding or even still socialise with them both but going to her hen night makes me think they're friends aside from that, after all, she could have said no.

Try to explain to your friend that although you don't want her to take sides, you felt this was hurtful. She probably thought you wouldn't mind but maybe she has something else to open up about too?

[Kittencatkins123]

Yes but no one HAS to go to a hen do and we all know what hen dos are like eg 'how you met' 'mr & mrs' games etc - it's playful and fun because they didn't meet cheating on your sodding friend!

Sorry there is no gun to head when it comes to hen dos and she could easily have said I have something else on that weekend.

Tbh hen dos are bollocks at the best of time but this is tasteless and thoughtless to the max!

People are so shittily disloyal and self-serving sometimes it beggars belief!

[Kittencatkins123]

I'm seriously trying to imagine me EVER going to the hen do of the OW of one of my friends and OH WAIT IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.

Anyway, I'll just crack on with being loyal/having basic friendship standards in peace now.

OP

[Enidblyton1]

It's sounds like you've handled the break up of your marriage with huge dignity (not least because you're DD is happy to be bridesmaid for her cheating Father!) so I totally get why you feel let down. i agree with pp that maybe you've put too much of a brave face on and so your good friend probably doesn't realise why this hurts.

[TeethDrama]

Hen night = No. what is your friend thinking??! Hen nights are for mates of the bride and having a laugh, it suggests she places her friendship with the OW higher then your feelings, outside of her dh's friendship with your ex. The OW had a damn cheek inviting your friend and your friend had a damn cheek in accepting. She'd be crossed off my Christmas card list permanently but I accept that's probably not practical and a knee jerk reaction and maybe you're a better person!!

[TeethDrama]

Let's be clear here. This is not just your ex's new fiancée although that would be bad enough. This was actually the OW?? I could not forgive friend for doing something that was avoidable, unlike having to chat and see OW at group gatherings as that is unavoidable.

[TeethDrama]

Mad mags - if this was a true friend she would at least have told op herself and then she should have said "I've been invited to X's hen do" and waited to hear ops reaction.

[FreeNiki]

What's the point in them even having Hen and Stag parties?

The point of them is your last night of freedom before the marriage. Being married previously didnt stop either one of them screwing around.

Maybe you have put too much of a brave face on it.

I personally would have a massive problem with the Dd being bridesmaid too.

[MadMags]

I just think if this woman has been a good friend, then chances are she hasn't done this maliciously and either thinks it's fine, is she is genuinely friends with the bride!

[BlueFolly]

Maybe you have done such a good job putting on a front so that your friends don't feel caught in the middle that she genuinely doesn't realise this would hurt you

I bet it's this.

[Goodythreeshoes]

I would distance myself from this particular friend - without drama - and continue behaving in the dignified manner you evidently are.
I admit I would be pretty hurt about DD being a bridesmaid though.

[Dieu]

The disloyal cow is out of order.

[MyheartbelongstoG]

So your friend is celebrating her happiness.

Despicable.

[ClodTheGoat]

I'd be hurt by this.

I'm in a similar situation in that my ex proposed to OW 6 weeks after I discovered he was cheating. All of my close friends have cut him out but am a bit hurt by one of the more mutual friends making an effort with the OW. I remember meeting this friend a couple of weeks after the break up only to hear that they'd all been to each others houses for dinner already. I felt completely insignificant and replaceable.

I'm dreading the wedding scheduled for the end of the year. No doubt I'll be subjected to Facebook photos of my step daughter being bridesmaid and arguments over the logistics of our toddler son attending (will I have to drop him off?? Yuck).

I guess your friend may feel awkward about it and is going for sake of her DH and his friendship with ex. I suppose hen nights are a good way of getting to know the people you'll sit with at the wedding etc.

But it is hurtful. I'd probably give her the chop, friends shouldn't leave you feeling like this.

[pillowcase6]

This sounds horrendous for you, you poor thing. I hope you have something extremely fun lined up for the day of the wedding for yourself. A spa day seems in order.

However I don't think your friend is necessarily wrong here. It depends on a lot of details. Make a date to have coffee and talk about this with her. Most likely a lot will come out in discussion that helps you decide whether you can remain friends.

I don't think you can ask her not to go, but it may say a lot about her, or it may just be that she's in a very awkward and difficult position.

[KoalaDownUnder]

Yeah, not cool. I'd be very, very unimpressed.

Also, a hens night for a second wedding, and under these circumstances, is tacky and pointless.

[startingover231]

Thank you for all your thoughts! TBH I feel stag and hen do's in this circumstance are completely ott but the whole wedding is tacky and ott! But I try not to mind about that because it isn't really my place to judge/comment (although I have expressed disgust at some of their choices in private to a close trusted friend 😉). I too am extremely hurt by DD being bridesmaid but if I express that ,the only person who will feel bad is my DD, who has had enough to contend with!
I guess my friend might feel I have moved on too, which I have as I have a lovely new man in my life who's worth 10 of my XH, and it could be that she doesn't know how much it would hurt me, I know they've been round to each other's houses and I've never expressed hurt before. I just wondered really if I was being silly to care so much, when I've let all the other wedding stuff go!

[Loopytiles]

Your DD being bridesmaid is far far worse IMO: if she's an adult why can't you tell her how hurt you are by that?

[Loopytiles]

Your friends clearly took you at your word that they didn't need to "take sides"

[SaorAlbaGuBrath]

DP and I were friends with a couple, he cheated and left for a teenager the OW and I told him straight he was a dick. I stayed friends with the wife and have had nothing to do with him since. DP abhors cheaters so he cut him off too. I'm sorry you're going through this, and that your DD is bridesmaid, what a horrible position to put you and her in.