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Where on Earth do I go from here?!(39 Posts)
My best friend has a fiancé. They have been together 18 months and from the day I met him alarm bells have been screeeeeaming in my head. He is a heavy weed smoker, doesn't work, is incredibly controlling of my friend, tells despicable vulgar jokes, they met under dodgy circumstances..... Yet my friend is besotted. He had a tough time coming out gay, struggled to establish a relationship with anyone and if I'm being truly honest I think he just latched on to the first person that truly paid him attention.
Despite my massive reservations about the boyfriend I never wanted to burst my friends bubble and just hoped eventually he would see sense and it would be one of those things where you look back and think 'what was I thinking?!'
When they got engaged a few weeks ago I was really worried as I realised this could be quite serious. I had a chat with my friend about it and just honestly expressed some of my concerns about their future together, mostly because of the very controlling nature of their relationship and that as his boyfriend has no intention of finding work he will always have to be the breadwinner. Plus, for me (I know some people don't mind it) the weed would be a big issue.
Anyway, my friend just dismissed my concerns and called his fiancé a 'work in progress'.
Last week they came round for dinner and when his fiancé went out for a lengthy weed smoke, my friend (after quite a bit of wine) told me something that has left me feeling pretty anxious. I mentioned a restaurant in a particular town near to us that does amazing burgers and said the 4 of us (my husband inc) should go. At this point my friend confessed that his fiancé couldn't go to that town. When I asked why he said that some years ago a friend of his fiancé accused him of sexually abusing his 3 year old little boy. Apparently, they'd had a terrible fall out and the friend had made this up to hurt him. The police were involved but it was all dropped because of a lack of evidence. Since then, the fiancé has never been able to go back to that town as his accuser still lives there and more worryingly, other people in the town believe it to be true so there's a vigilante worry.
I must admit this revelation knocked me for 6. I have a 2.5 year old DS. My best friend is his Godfather. They have had him to stay at their house once overnight. My friend was so blasé about the whole thing which seems to be a theme in their relationship....
'Oh he won't let me go out without him? That's because he's anxious, not his fault'
'Oh he smokes a lot of weed? That's because he had a bad back/sore hip/anxiety, he needs it'
'Oh he was was accused of sexually abusing a 3yo? That's rubbish, he was set up'
I just don't know where to go from here. I understand innocent until proven guilty and were it not for all the other things I would be inclined to believe it was just a terrible mix up but I'm just not sure. I just have a really strong gut feeling. What would you think?
They want to have my son next weekend but I do not want to let him go. Would you let your child go?
I just feel so upset, we've been best friends for 20 years, he was best man at our wedding, Godfather to my son and just the greatest person. I'm just so worried that he's making a terrible judgement call with this relationship.
What (if anything) should I say to my friend?
You already have reservations about this person, with the new information I definitely wouldn't let my child visit them. If they aren't prepared to see what is in front of them then theres not much else you can do.
I am sorry to say there is nothing you can do or say. I would distance myself from the relationship and not get involved. Self preservation and all that. He will never listen to you. Do not let your son stay over. Regardless of allegations, you have proof that the fiance does drugs and you do not want your child in that environment.
You really can't do anymore than you have for your friend just be there for when the shit hits the fan as it will!
But absolutely do not allow your child contact alone with the fiancé.
You have alarm bells about him, quite rightly from the sounds of it! And you don't need to give any excuse just tell your friend you love him and want what's best for him, that you will be there whenever he needs you but you are uncomfortable having your DC near the fiancé and will not be allowing contact unless you are there.
It would be very unwise to allow your son to go to their house. At only 2 1/2 years old he's not even able to even tell you or understand. It would be like rolling a dice with their sons safety. As for your friend, you may have to allow him to learn the hard way where his relationship is concerned. Just because your friend thinks he's innocent doesn't mean he is, like you say, Hes so blinded by love that he's unable to see things for what they are. Also there's the smoking weed issue. I wouldnt want anyone under the influence of drugs taking care of my child. There could be serious safeguarding worries if you allow your child to stay there.
Absolutely do not let this new man have your child overnight, or indeed without you present.
As someone who has seen grooming first hand I wouldn't allow any contact whatsoever, but I realise I am projecting there and there is a chance he is innocent.
No way would I be allowing him to build a trusting relationship with my child.
*like rolling a dice with your sons safety
I completely agree with you all. I just feel gutted. My friend is a lovely guy, good job, stylish, funny... I just don't understand why he has chosen this relationship. A mutual friend of ours was much more vocal than I about the fiancé and it has more or less destroyed their friendship. My friend just won't have it, has an excuse for it all. As I said, this final revelation left me literally gobsmacked. He has such a lovely relationship with my son and I'm sad he'd throw away friendships and other relations all for this waster
No, I wouldn't let my son stay over. I would use the weed smoking as your reason though, because your friend will not listen to you at this point and will turn against you if he thinks you really suspect his fiance may be capable of child abuse. I would back off but make it clear you're always there to talk about any concerns he has about his relationship. That shouldn't involve putting your son at any risk though.
I think all you can do is sit quiet and wait. I obviously wouldn't let your son stay with the fiance (yes it may well be a nasty accusation but you cannot risk it)
hell would freeze over before I let my child sleep over. The drug use would be enough without any other allegations.
You absolutely must not allow your son to go there. I appreciate that might be awkward for your friendship but his safety has to come first. I don't think there is much more you can do for your friend other than just be there for him
So say nothing though? Let the wedding just go ahead? I know nothing I say will make a difference but I can't believe that soon they will be married. I just want to try and make him see sense. He's an intelligent guy, why can't he see this? Regarding the controlling thing, my friend is literally allowed NO WHERE without his fiancé apart from to work. I've tried explaining how bizarre this is but he has excuse after excuse
Don't put yourself in a position where he not only doesn't listen, but doesn't even speak to you anymore and then he won't even tell you if things worsen. You can't stop him doing this, I'm afraid. You will have to play a long game to help your friend.
Because of my experience I think it's important to clearly voice your concerns. It could, and probably will, mean the end of your friendship. Sometimes that's a price worth paying.
A few people voiced their concerns about my fiance and, later on when reality began to dawn on me, I was so grateful those friends had had the courage to say something. It honestly was a light in the middle of pitch black as I battled to make sense of what was happening in my marriage.
If there were kids involved then I'd be wary of alienating my friend, simply bcs this would alienate the kids - someone has to be around who is looking out for the kids. But there are no kids involved (I assume from what you've said) so I would clearly spell out your concerns to him. You don't need to be harsh or unkind - not that you sound like the type who would be - but you do need to be unflinchingly clear imo. He may thank you for it one day - but I doubt that's going to be soon.
And, of course, do NOT allow your boy to go there. I think you're going to have to tell your friend why.
Yes I do want to voice my concerns but don't want to push him away. I feel like even if his fiancé murdered somebody he would always have a reason why. I think he must know it's not a great relationship but feels he can do no better, despite what I (or all his other friends) say. The main issue is the allegation- he can't think we wouldn't question it surely?!
"You will have to play a long game to help your friend"
Don't let your kid visit them.
Did your friend know his fiance had this abuse accusation before the first time your DC stayed and never told you?
I would be absolutely furious if so and reassessing my friendship.
I agree with magoria. If your friend knew before your child stayed over, that would be a deal breaker for me.
I had a lovely friend whom my one-year-old dd adored. But his wife accused him of having sexually abused his step-daughter. I honestly didn't believe it, but I still could never ever have left my dd alone with him. I'm so sorry for people who are unjustly accused of such things, but you can't take any risks like that with a child.
I think you should talk to your friend honestly, as springydaffs says, some day he will know that you were looking out for him.
Your friend is in a very unhealthy relationship. He seems to have taken in the role of Rescuer. Frankly, it will probably take him years to sort himself out and friend's concerns will fall on deaf ears. I would let DS near the fiancé. Ever. It's not just the accusations but I wouldn't want my child under the same roof as a controlling, low-life druggie.
I just want to say & hope that this doesn't upset you or seem paranoid, but do not let your DC stay anywhere without you there with him. Seriously. Regardless of what you've heard and know about your BF's fiancé, you cannot be sure of anyone's intentions. It's a sad situation, but I know too many people who were abused by people you'd least expect, when left with them.
Thanks for all your advice. I could not hold it in any longer and just told my friend about my reservations, specifically about this accusation from his partners past. As expected the excuses came rolling out.... There was no proof, the accuser was addicted to drugs, homophobic etc. One thing he did say was
'If he was guilty why on Earth would he tell me? Why would he have ever mentioned it to me? It's obvious he told me because it was a distressing time for him and he wanted to share it with me'
I didn't really know what to say to this. I guess in a way he's got a point? But a cynical part of me thinks this is all part of the fiancé covering his tracks. So that if my friend ever got wind of it his fiancé could say 'But I told you all about that. It was a false allegation, remember?'
What do you all think about that? Why would he tell him when he didn't have to? They don't particularly live near the town where his accuser lives and never go there so it's unlikely he would have ever got wind of it but I just don't know?
Don't overthink it. Whether he was actually guilty or not, he would tell your friend stuff before the information reached him from another source potentially jeopardising the relationship.
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