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Aibu to want him to stay away from her?

(47 Posts)
Madratlady Thu 09-Mar-17 16:06:48

Long, sorry and possibly identifying if anyone I know is on here.

Just under 2 years ago my dh started a new job that we relocated for. He settled in and made some friends, one of which was female. This wasn't an issue for me, neither of us has ever objected to the other having friends of the opposite sex. This changed when one day after spending the day helping her move house a few days before he sat me down and told me that he had feelings for her. At first I was upset but assumed he was telling me to be open and wouldn't act upon them. It then came out that he was in love with her and had told her this at the weekend, he couldn't imagine life without her and basically making out that I couldn't possibly ask him to not spend time with her. I told him to leave and he went to pack then came back and said he didn't want to lose me, would cut off all contact with her and do whatever it took to make it up to me: get another job, move back where we moved from, anything. He then deleted her number but the next day wanted to contact her and check she was alright in case this had all upset her. Never asked if I was ok.

2 months later I am on maternity leave and notice over his shoulder that he was texting her. I asked him outright and he said he was, he said it was all innocent and he didn't see that he had done anything wrong. He did eventually delete her number.

It took 8 months for him to acknowledge that he was out of line and that he had hurt me and apologise. His attitude seemed to be that I was the unreasonable one causing him to be heartbroken over this person. It's not so much the fact that he developed feelings for her but the fact that he declared his love to her rather than talking to me or even breaking up with me and his continued lack of regard for me or my feelings.

At a couple more points since then it has come out that he is seeing her at work, on lunch breaks etc. Usually as part of a group. He doesn't seem to have made any effort to 'get over' his feelings for her and it feels like it's hanging over our relationship. I want him to reassure me that he loves me and wants us to be OK and won't have anything at all to do with her, as he is apparently in love with her I can't see how they can continue to spend time in each other's company as 'just friends'.

Aibu or controlling to expect this? He has had other female friends that I have never had a problem with. I have very little trust for him now as he has lied on several occasions. That said he says he loves me and wants to be with me and I do still love him, I want to work things out if we can.

SparklingRaspberry Thu 09-Mar-17 16:13:00

Oh OP sad

I would actually find this more hurtful and destroying than if he'd gone out and had a one night stand.
To hear my partner tell me he was in love with somebody else would kill me.

You are not being unreasonable or controlling.

You shouldn't have to ask him to remove her from his life. He shouldn't be texting her. He shouldn't be having anything to do with her. He should be on his knees trying to prove himself in any way possible that you are the most important thing to him, not this other woman.

You may get replies saying he's probably slept with her, but does it really matter?? I think what he's done already is hurtful enough and would be the end for me.

You deserve so much better. I would be packing his bags and telling him to go

Iinventedpostits Thu 09-Mar-17 16:15:02

YANBU. This is horrible! I wouldn't have been able to stay with someone after they declared their love for someone else. It would hurt too much. I don't understand how he doesn't see why talking to her is an issue! You are well within your rights to tell him to stop all contact. Argh this made my blood boil.

Adora10 Thu 09-Mar-17 16:17:12

Sounds like an affair OP that has never really ended; I don't understand why you are wanting him to stay anyway; what he has done is unbelievably cruel; he's in love with her; is probably seeing her but yet is trying to keep you at home in case it all goes tits up.

I honestly think you need to tell him to GTF; he's making not just a fool out himself but mainly you; you're the one getting all the shit thrown in your face; I think if he gets the chance he will be off with her; it's her I think that is preventing this.

Please don't wait until he does go; don't keep him there when he has shown you how little he cares; he may love you but I don't think he's in love with you; it's all about her; the way he is treating you is appalling.

Adora10 Thu 09-Mar-17 16:19:30

It's not so much the fact that he developed feelings for her but the fact that he declared his love to her rather than talking to me or even breaking up with me and his continued lack of regard for me or my feelings


Don't wait around for him to either go off with her or someone else in the future, he has no commitment to you.

Smellyoulateralligater Thu 09-Mar-17 16:19:48

So sorry OP. He sounds just awful. Please seriously consider leaving him. He has treated you with utter disregard at best.

I can't believe that you hunk you might be controlling! he is behaving appallingly flowers

DorotheaHomeAlone Thu 09-Mar-17 16:22:05

This sounds awful. Like death by 1000 cuts. If you still want him after all this I think you'll need couple counselling and a job move for him. If he balks at either I would walk away.

Madratlady Thu 09-Mar-17 16:22:30

I believe that nothing physical happened actually but definitely an emotional affair.

He says they aren't in touch outside of work and haven't been for a year or so. I'm not proud of it but I have checked his phone, although he uses multiple messaging apps so potentially could hide it. It's the continuing to be around her at work when he doesn't have to be and the lack of trust and the fact that I can't talk openly to him and get the reassurance I need that I am struggling with. And although he denies it I was picking him up from work a couple of months ago and she was walking off up a side street as we drove past and he practically dislocated his neck looking round to stare after her.

I've been bottling up my feelings for so long, I did say some of this to him earlier (via messenger, he isn't easy to talk to face to face). I told him it would help of I could believe he actually would stay away from her and all he replied was ok. I said I would be happier if he changed jobs too. He did call me at lunchtime to say he had spoken to a recruiter and the job he is being put forward is back where we moved from. That does mean something although realistically moving back is probably a bad idea, he is very happy here and I am settled and would be fine staying in this area. I'm now worrying he will move jobs then resent me.

Imi22sleeping Thu 09-Mar-17 16:24:43

I am kind of feeling that if this was me i woulst really want to try and keep a man that loved someone else you cant be responible for his feelings i think it would be the end of the road for me and id find aomeone that loved me and only me

Madratlady Thu 09-Mar-17 16:24:52

In response to the people saying he would go off with her if he had the chance - he has had several chances, we have reached the point of breaking up and agreed to try again a few times in the last 18 months.

He refuses to go to counselling. I have asked and asked.

SandyY2K Thu 09-Mar-17 16:25:33

No one with half a brain could accuse you of being unreasonable. I'm doubtful I could remain in a marriage where my husband told me that he was in love with another woman and had declared his love to her TBH.

It would kill me and my love for him.

How do you think he'd react if the roles were reversed?

Madratlady Thu 09-Mar-17 16:28:08

I know I am stupid to stay with him but I can't bring myself to end it. Things haven't been great. He is definitely struggling with the changes that having 2 young children have caused and having to 'share' me with them so much. When things are going well between us it's great, but it's so up and down. We almost never get any time just the 2 of us either which hasn't helped.

MyKingdomForBrie Thu 09-Mar-17 16:31:12

Is he actually fucking KIDDING?! He continues to text her? He sees her at lunch? He stares at her when you're with him?

He is making a complete JOKE of your relationship. Excuse the caps but I'm just in total disbelief at what you're putting up with. He's so totally disrespectful of you and clearly thinks he can do whatever he likes and still keep you hanging around.

Ditch this man before he ditches you, seriously.

Finola1step Thu 09-Mar-17 16:31:41

I'm really sorry but I would bet good money that she has rejected him. Told him that she doesn't feel the same way. That she just wants to be friends. So he has stayed. Not because he wants to but because she knocked him back. But he is keeping the flame going in the hope that she changes her mind. In the meantime, you'll do. I'm sorry to be so blunt and harsh flowers

Adora10 Thu 09-Mar-17 16:32:40

Where is your pride OP, you are hanging on to a man who has told you he's in love with someone else; he even blames you for stopping him from seeing her; he sounds about 13 years old and you sound like his mother policing him; this is not normal in fact it's not even a relationship never mind a marriage; I know you love him and want to stay with him but you can't under these circumstances; your self esteem must be in tatters.

I think he is taking full advantage of the fact that you are still there with him and he is still there at work with her like a love struck puppy, he really is pathetic.

MyKingdomForBrie Thu 09-Mar-17 16:32:48

Oh the poor sweetheart having to 'share' you with his children! Competing with his own children for their mother's love? Does that not tell you everything you need to know about this prick? So you have to 'share' him with another bloody woman? Oh who by the way he loves. What a gem of a man.

Primadonnagirl Thu 09-Mar-17 16:33:23

He doesn't love you OP. Sorry to say that to you. Can't believe this has all happened when you had a young child too. He's clearly obsessed with her and she is enjoying/ facilitating it. Don't assist them in doing it to you.. show him the door .

Madratlady Thu 09-Mar-17 16:33:32

He isn't contacting her outside work, that he has stuck to.

And yes I believe she probably did turn him down. She is early 20s and free and single, he is in his 30s, married with kids, I imagine she might not have wanted to take that on.

HoneyBeeMum1 Thu 09-Mar-17 16:34:46

What a horrible situation Madratlady. flowers

Did you husband tell you how this woman responded to his declaration? Is it possible that his love is unrequited? If so, it could explain why he is hanging around her without actually having an affair.

Although this is a good thing from the point of view that he has not cheated on you physically, he has still betrayed you and it is understandable that you should be hurt. You are perfectly justified in being unhappy about his continued association with her.

Sadly, it seems inevitable that you will both have to move away unless he can pull himself together and/or she finds someone else.

You should not worry about him resenting a move. If he has any decency in him he will see the necessity to do this for you and his family.

Lemonnaise Thu 09-Mar-17 16:35:46

Is the only reason he hasn't gone off with her because she doesn't want him?

GurneyGob Thu 09-Mar-17 16:36:03

Perhaps it is the OW who has not given your partner the chance to leave with her. She may have been fine with workplace flirting but does not actually want a relationship with him. Men tend not to leave if they haven't the promise/definite prospect of a cosy nest to go to.

He should be bending over backwards to keep you not refusing counselling if that is what you need to heal

Adora10 Thu 09-Mar-17 16:38:43

OMG, he even resents the time you spend with his children; please get rid of this piece of shit, so angry on your behalf.

People treat us as badly as we allow them to; he knows he can act like a single man and blame you for being in love with a colleague at work (everyone at work will know btw) and blames you for neglecting him whilst you look after his children, could he be any worse?

Madratlady Thu 09-Mar-17 17:02:04

I posted this because someone posted about their partner not wanting her to talk to an ex at all (although I guess ex who she never sees and rarely crosses paths with on fb is slightly different) and everyone was saying that he was controlling and it was unacceptable to object to her talking to this man. I started wondering if it was the other way around and he was insisting I had nothing to do with a male friend he would be thought of as controlling and actually maybe I was out of line.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 09-Mar-17 17:02:52

His lack of regard for you? What about the lack of regard you have for yourself? That comes over loud and clear so god knows what he thinks of you!!!

Find your self respect, once you have found it decide whether you are staying or going but if you decide to stay there is no point spying on him everyday, torturing yourself and bringing up the past......

kittybiscuits Thu 09-Mar-17 17:07:59

It's completely different! It's not that he doesn't want to go off with her. It's that he wants to continue to have you and the children AND her on the side. And so far he's getting away with it rather well.

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