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How the hell to move on

(28 Posts)
Justbreathing Thu 09-Mar-17 15:20:41

I know guess I know the only answer is time, but I cannot seem to deal with this overwhelming pain that I will not have the person I love in my life anymore because he doesn't want to be with me. All those dreams you had, all that time you had together. Little jokes you want to send them. Things you know they would love. I know we have to accept others choices, but I don't think I have ever been very good at letting go. I mean I am terrible at letting go. And I need to this time. I am not 25 anymore with time on my side to wallow endlessly.

ofudginghell Thu 09-Mar-17 15:31:51

Sorry your sad op.
Was it a long term relationship?
Have you lived together?
It always hurts and feels so jumbled In the early days x

Vagabond Thu 09-Mar-17 15:37:56

It always feels so painful. And at the time, you feel the pain won't pass. But believe me (please believe me), there will come a time in years to come when you you think of this person and their name won't immediately come to you. Even if it's just for a second or two.

You will have to believe me on this one.... .there was a time I also thought the pain would never end.

Cherryblossom200 Thu 09-Mar-17 15:45:56

Oh gosh, I've been exactly where you were. I know the feeling so well and it's awful isn't it? It took me a few years to get over my ex, but now I barely think of him. I think what helped is not holding in my feelings, grieving and slowly letting go of the past. I spoke to my friends and family all the time about how I was feeling which helped too (but probably drove them mad!) I know you don't want to hear it, but time is definitely a healer. How much time depends on how you deal with it all. What helped is keeping myself busy and focusing on things I enjoy doing. The time I have had been single has been invaluable. I know feel I know myself so much better and have a greater understanding of the type of person I want to be in a relationship with going forward. Breaking up with the man I loved, made me grow as a person. Sounds all cheesy, but in a way it's been a great thing for me. I'm now happier then I've ever been. So there most definitely is light at the end of the tunnel.

Sending you hugs, you'll definitely get through this! x

Anonymoususer1938 Thu 09-Mar-17 16:01:17

I'm in the same boat and I know it's well meaning but the thought of it taking years depresses the hell out of me. It seems every waking hour they are there in my thoughts in some way or other.
I still love my ex but I want to be over them now more then I want to be with them.

Justbreathing Thu 09-Mar-17 17:39:42

Thank you all for your messages I am away with work, and I have seen about 4 things, funny things, which I wish I could tell him about. I haven't wanted to confront that he just doesn't love me as much as I love him.
We never lived together, but we had been friends for years and years before. I guess he thought he felt something more for me
and then realised it wasn't really what he wanted. Amouser, I know what you mean. I am 37, I've always wanted a family and I thought that finally my chance had come, and now it's gone. The thought of starting all over and trying to meet someone in time for a family feels impossible.
cherry I hope I can do what you have done

HoundOfTheBasketballs Thu 09-Mar-17 17:44:49

Hi OP.

Have some flowers.
I know how you feel. I split up with my boyfriend this week. It's very hard. I have good moments and bad ones. I think we have to just roll with it.
What I do know is I feel better today than I did yesterday. And I know tomorrow I will feel better than I have done today. Hopefully!

Justbreathing Thu 09-Mar-17 19:35:05

Thanks hounds. I had some angry days, full rage. Now I just feel lost. If I wasn't working I wouldn't be able to get out of bed.

Justbreathing Thu 09-Mar-17 19:35:41

I need to learn to compartmentalise

Heartbrokenagain122 Thu 09-Mar-17 20:35:43

Anyone around ? I'm feeling lost/heartbroken tonight. My DH isn't living with me anymore and is out every night. I'm left at home with our two boys. Its killing me so much right now I just can't breathe - in such a bad place. I have no interests. I've recently started taking AD's and have my first counselling session tomorrow.

HoundOfTheBasketballs Thu 09-Mar-17 20:37:39

How long ago is it since you broke up?
I think it is important to allow yourself a bit of time to wallow in it. Forcing yourself to be bright and perky when you're not really feeling it can be really exhausting.
Although equally I think it's so important to focus on the things that bring you joy and do things that make you happy.
I am tired tonight from putting on a brave face all day.
So now I'm wearing my pyjamas, drinking alone and listening to songs that make me sad on purpose. A little wallow at the end of the day if you like!
I hope you are okay.

HoundOfTheBasketballs Thu 09-Mar-17 20:40:25

Hi heartbroken.
Has your husband left for good? Do you want to talk about what happened?
I find focussing on my son keeps me strong. He brings me a lot of joy and helps me see the world in a better way when I'm having a difficult time.
I think it's really important to lean on your friends and family, if you are lucky enough to have a good support network IRL.

Heartbrokenagain122 Thu 09-Mar-17 20:43:51

I've posted in the past but can't be arsed to type it again and again. He basically "fell in love" with someone he works with. He then came back to try with me but hasn't been trying. He won't speak to me any more but won't go back to his moms. He's out every single night. This morning he said he isn't coming back. He hasn't so far. I am feeling so so lost and sick because of it all - I'm not sleeping - we were together 9 years since we were 15 and his feelings have just gone

Heartbrokenagain122 Thu 09-Mar-17 20:45:11

Part of me would rather be dead than feel like this. I just want the best for my sons but i can't give them that in this mind frame

Cherryblossom200 Thu 09-Mar-17 20:47:35

Guys I was 36 when my ex broke up with me. I now have an adorable little 2 year old grin it didn't turn out quite the way I planned. I was with someone I really liked and fell pregnant, the relationship sadly didn't last but I have an amazing little girl who I adore to pieces! I loved my daughters father so there is proof you can fall in love again. I'm 41 and couldn't be happier. Yes it would be great to meet the love of my life and one day I'm sure I'll find him. But I've realised that I can be really happy on my own. I've discovered things I love which I would never have discovered being in a relationship. If I was talking to myself 4/5 years ago when I was at rock bottom I wouldn't have believed how my life could have changed so much.

I saw a councellor for a few months and that helped a lot. But realistically it was time which sorted me out. I know my ex has a new girlfriend and I'm really happy for him smile you'll get to this point to, over time you will re-evaluate the relationship and like me realise it probably wasn't as great as you think right now. I made it out to be a fairytale amazing relationship when in truth it wasn't.

HoundOfTheBasketballs Thu 09-Mar-17 20:59:02

Oh heartbroken, it does sound like you are having a terrible time of it. It definitely sounds like you'd be better off if he left for good. What are you doing this evening while he's not there? Are you keeping yourself busy?

Cherry - I know exactly what you mean. I know I'll be fine on my own. I managed before he came along and I'll manage again now he's gone. I think it's just that rawness in the early days. When you're adjusting to being alone again and grieving for what might have been.

Kittencatkins123 Thu 09-Mar-17 21:23:41

I split up with my ex when I was 34. He spent another five (!!!) years flip flopping about getting back together before I finally discovered his new GF who he'd been seeing on and off all that time unbeknownst to me HAD MOVED IN WITH HIM. It was a horrible time.

A year on and I have a LOVELY new boyfriend who has just 'met the parents' and I'm super super happy with. Not sure whether I'll make the kids deadline now but then I bloody well might do! cmon ovaries And at least I'm with someone lovely who is incredibly sweet and kind to me and I fancy like crazy

I've had so many times where I thought I'll never meet someone, it's too late etc but now I'm really happy and hopeful for the future. It can and will change.

flowers cake

Justbreathing Thu 09-Mar-17 22:55:33

Heartbroken, counselling is good! I'm doing it, and it is good. It doesn't take away the pain, but I am sure it WILL help you. I don't know you, but even the fact that you are trying to do something means that you are
giving your sons the best you can at this moment.
Hound: I know what you mean about being tired of putting on a brace face, it's exhausting, I don't have children, I have always wanted them and now I feel like I have self sabotaged so badly I never will.

the flip flopping is the worst, we all hang onto any shred of hope, it makes me feel pathetic, and I'll honestly say that I am full of hope. When do we realise that hope is futile? When do we start saving ourselves

Kitten and cherry I wish I could end up like you both, not saying it was easy for you, but I just think I've left it all to late. Kitten I especially hope your ovaries get their shit together wink

Problem is, I've always been hard to love, I am not a conventional woman, I am a bit loud and hard work sometimes and I think if I wasn't I would be easier to love

Justbreathing Thu 09-Mar-17 23:00:05

And I know I have to be nice to myself, but bloody hell, I would like someone to love me enough to at least bloody well want to say "you, yes, you, you are the bloody bees knees"

Kittencatkins123 Thu 09-Mar-17 23:38:56

But you will meet that person and it won't matter if you are loud or hard work or ridiculously competitive or you seem to have spent all your money on dresses because they will just think you are ace!

Re kids - it's really hard - for me it came down to not wanting to 'just do it' enough to do it alone. I always needed to find the right person first and hope that it was still possible but also come to terms with it maybe not being. Could you consider sperm donor? Maybe even just start looking into it in the mean time? Or do you want to be in a relationship rather than going it alone?

OhBlissOhJoy Fri 10-Mar-17 00:05:26

Breakups are so hard OP, and I feel your pain.
I am 6 months on and spring coming has hit me all over again, all the fun things we used to do in the sun and he won't be by my side to do them this year. I actually felt I was over him a week ago then <bam> the sun comes out and it's hit me like a sledgehammer.
There are so many things I want to share with him. We had the same sense of humour, things happen and I want to tell him because I know he will laugh at them. It makes me so unbearably sad.
We will get there flowers

Justbreathing Fri 10-Mar-17 09:16:46

Kitten, I've been avoiding thinking about it if I'm honest, I don't want to have a child on my own. I live in a house share I've just had my salary cut. I can't even see how I could do it on my own.
Oh bliss, yes spring hurts! I know exactly what you mean.

Thing is, my first proper boyfriend when I was 26 left me for someone else and it took me 3 years to get over. And I was young and resilient and had lots of friends who I went out with all the time and I lived with my 2 best friends
Fast forward and all my best friends have moved away, married, children, own home. Security. I know it's not all roses but I feel so left behind
Just trying to get to grips with losing the person I loved more than any other person and all the other life shit.
I just don't even think I have the fight left

HoundOfTheBasketballs Fri 10-Mar-17 18:20:07

How's you're day been today OP? At least marginally better I hope.
I find I'm struggling more in the mornings for some reason. He used to call me every day to say good morning and I'm finding I'm really missing that and wondering what he's up to each day.
I've found it's helped to think about the things about him that weren't so great!! There weren't loads of them, he was, so I thought, a really good man. But even just the small things like our opposing political opinions and how he never made my coffee quite strong enough help remind me not to put him up on a pedestal.
What are your plans for the weekend. I'm not looking forward to the first weekend as a single pringle, but I've done my best to make some plans and not sit at home moping.

HoundOfTheBasketballs Fri 10-Mar-17 18:24:04

And I know what you mean about feeling left behind compared to your peers. Most of my friends are married or in long term relationships and it can be hard to socialise in those circles.
Two things to remember though:
1. Comparison is the thief of joy, as I read on here regularly - and rightly.
2. Not all of those marriages or relationships will be happy ones. And I will say with absolute certainty, from my own experience, I would rather be single than unhappily coupled up. The loneliness I experienced in a bad relationship was one hundred times worse than what I'm feeling now.

CantstandmLMs Fri 10-Mar-17 22:11:26

Dear OP, I've been posting in another thread recently but glad I found you too...I'm going through the exact same. My ex (still doesn't feel right saying that) split with me almost a month ago, we saw each other since but today is my 19th day of No contact. I want him back but trying to heal too. He was my everything and I pushed him away with my insecurities and he had enough. I'd do anything to prove myself to him but he doesn't want to.

I hurt so much. I can't imagine my life without him in it. I am still somewhat in denial.

He was my first true love too. I wasn't the type who believed in it really and never went looking, hated dating and never liked anyone enough to keep it going. My ex and I were friends beforehand and he admitted he was absolutely In love with me before I even knew. After that he swept me off my feet and 3 years later we are here. Heartbroken.

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