Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
what shall i do?(39 Posts)
Last year I caught my husband on a website called fuckbuddys and he had arranged to meet with this women having had a weeks converstion with her flirting and sending pictures of each others privates etc.I managed to sreen shot these msg and confronted him the day before he was due to meet her.He was shocked and upset that I had found out and promised he would never do it again,deleted her number and the site he was using.This was a year ago and although it has been really difficult to come to terms with I have slowly started to trust him again as he has always been a good husband and dad and we have always done things together as a couple never gone out on our own and this was out of character but one year on and I found out only this Monday that hes doing it again!He has no idea I know yet.He has been coming to bed really late long after ive gone (which he did last time) to bed.Anyway I waited until he was fast asleep and went downstairs to have a look around for signs....I found a different phone than his hidden behind the microwave in the porch and you've guessed it...hes back on the site and has been chatting with 3 women and sending pictures of himself with a erection and videos of him masturbating!Im absolutely devastated. Our sex life has been going downhill since I started in early menopause at 39,im now 50 and although our sex life isn't how it use to be or as often we still do have sex.He has been telling these women that he hasn't had sex with me for 4 months which is a lie.He has always had a high sex drive and I know its difficult for him not having sex often but I thought we had a stronge and trusting marriage (17 yrs) and ive tried so hard to forgive him but now I don't know what to do, it will devastate our 13 yr old daughter who thinks we are happy.Thankyou for taking time to read this.
He did it before and he's doing it again. Call him out and he'll be doubly shocked and upset that you've discovered his dirty little secret for the second time.
Do you want to stay with someone like this? If so he'll repeat this behaviour ad nauseum. Each time becoming more shocked and upset.
In your shoes, which I'm not but I was, I would plan to leave the marriage. I'd let him go ahead and meet with his fuck buddy. I'd also sort out my paperwork, seek legal advice regarding a divorce, constantly monitor the hidden phone and then ........BAM!
But I am sorry this is how your marriage has ended up. Shit isn't it?
Very sad for you and your daughter. But he's done it before and gone to lengths to hide his phone from you. It's most definitely time to walk away from your marriage. He can't be trusted. The worst thing you can do is stay in the marriage and have your self esteem eroded and your poor daughter have to live in a house where there will be so much tension. Believe me it's better to leave then stay, long term you will be much better off.
I cant get back onto his phone now as I tried last night and its locked and idont know the code to get on.I feel like iwant to wait and catch him meeting one of them which he has said he wants to do btw but cant get on so I'm stuffed.We are child free this Saturday and I was going to confront him then but not sure what to do now...wait or pounce!
But you know he is doing it again so why even bother trying to confront him/catch him out? It's not worth it and will just make you upset. I know it's easier said than done, but I would just sit him down, tell him you know he is doing it again and say it's over and then start divorce proceedings. He will try and plead his innocence and stop you from leaving but seriously what is the point? He sounds like he may want some excitement outside of your marriage and will continue to do it.For your daughters sake, leave.
This happening once is something I would CONSIDER forgiving - people consider cheating for a reason, momentary lapse in judgement or whatever, and it sounds like you've both worked on things and you've been amazing forgiving him (dont think I'd have managed that tbh)
This happening twice is disgusting. Don't let him act shocked and tell you it'll never happen again - it's happened again already. He may not have PHYSICALLY cheated on you but the mental and emotional stress it must be causing you is awful.
If it were me? I would seethe and go into full spy mode, then do some cool 'following around catching them in the act' Cheaters type thing. But I'd be going insane by this point, you seem so calm and together! Find a man that appreciates you. What an arsehole doing this to you twice after you trusted him. Fuck him.
I am going to be honest and say I just think "some" men when life gets a bit mundane seek a bit of new excitement and whereas "most" (but not all) women go and join a few groups or go shopping or book a holiday etc , many men immediately seem to think in terms of the opposite sex or gambling etc and doing something they shouldnt. It is I think lazy thinking, especially when its these casual hook ups rather than meeting someone and forging a connection. It is something "missing" in this kind of guys makeup. I have no doubt he probably still loves you too, but it isnt enough to give him that buzz. Personally I dont think you need to spy anymore, you have seen what you have seen and thats enough. There is no way I think this is ever going to be acceptable to you and he is clearly hooked mentally on doing it. Its immensley sad but I would for the moment keep it to yourself, make sure you can get your hands on documents etc and line your ducks up in a row ready to split . Please dont blurt it out until you have these things sorted and mentally decided whats the best way forward , as once they know you are going , even if they are totally in the wrong, many men will just make life as shitty as they can for you to try and make you stay.
Intending to cheat is one thing.
Recording himself masturbating and sending photos of his erection is just so gross and shows what he'll do. What kind of girl wants to receive that? Even in the throws of passion, I wouldn't want to receive that kind of image. What a turd.
OMG, could he be any more sleazy and disgusting, all under your roof too, yuck, he'd have to go if he was mine, permanently!
OP, he never stopped love, he just hid it better but has been caught again, if you let him off this time you are basically saying it's fine to treat you like crap and make a complete arse out your marriage; he has no intention of staying faithful to you so your future is more of the same; he will never change OP, he's been caught before and carried on, that's what he thinks of you and him.
Please get rid of this vile man; he's an embarrassment at the least and could be putting your health in danger.
Your sex life has jack shit to do with it, he does it because he wants to and I am sorry but he gives not two fucks about you or him; please give yourself permission to get rid; your daughter will be fine.
its absolutely killing me not saying anything to him,im trying to act as normal as possible and its eating me away.I never normally open his post but I have today and hes sent for a pay and go sim card.....ive stuck it back up but taken photos of the new number.I cant confront him whilst my daughters around as shes 13 and is around us more or less all the time.Im scared to death of divorce been there before but not for these reasons just grew apart but remain great friends but to divorce again would be terrible but cant see another way out tbh.The reason I forgave the first time was mainly for my daughter but also I still love him.You are right that he can never be trusted again and ive got to leave but why should I when ive done nothing wrong
It's him who needs to go OP; do not stay with him because you don't want to divorce; it's him who has killed the relationship; hopefully you can remain amicable for your daughter's sake.
You are entitled to a happy harmonious and respectful relationship; you are not going to get this with him; you cannot TRUST him, he's shown you that twice now. I don't think he can stop himself; he's loving it.
So sorry, you deserve a million times better than him.
OP you need to talk to him and end it, your daughter will be better in the long run xx
I have thought about joining the site and finding him and messaging him and "arrange" a meeting, I want to know if he would actually go through with meeting someone or is it just talk.I really really don't know what to do I'm not eating or sleeping and cant concentrate at work and in general,im very very sad.
I don't understand why you seem confused about what to do
he had arranged to meet with this women
OP, you know he will meet with whoever is willing; he's never stopped.
I am really sorry but you have more than enough evidence already; if you let him off for a third time then I'd imagine nothing will change, it will be you letting yourself in for more misery; is he really worth all this, because I can't think of any man I'd allow to do this to me for a third time, surely you think the same?
He's happy to have you at home like a convenient washing machine but he will continue with his fuck buddies because that's what he likes, he loves it.
Sorry to be blunt but how much evidence does one need; it's glaringly obvious he will never be faithful so what's the point.
See if you get rid of this sleazy git your appetite will return, your concentration will return, your well being will improve; your sparkle will return.
Maybe not right away but to continue living a life with this horrible cretin is pretty much allowing him to ruin your life.
What do you need to check out?
Is this not enough to prove to you?
No! Get out! It will only continue. Why drag it out?!
See a solicitor and file for divorce. . Then pack his stuff and leave it in the garden - change locks, block number and correspond through solicitor only. . He will expect to be forgiven like you did last time. . And don't sugar coat it to dd. She is old enough to know the truth. .
You have choices:
- forget you ever saw it, let it go, (don't have sex with him anymore) and live on as you are
- kick him out, get a divorce. Who cares if it's a 2nd divorce?! So what? It's not your fault - he's the one in the wrong. Build a new life.
- have a confrontation, get a load of promises and find yourself back here in another year.
What you can't have, is a marriage with him where you can trust him not to be seeking sexual thrills elsewhere. He's already proved that, you've been here before. This is not a merry-go-round he's getting off.
He's never going to change. He's disgusting. Why wait to confront him? It's not a game. You've seen the proof so even if he denies it what difference does that make to you? It's your feelings that matter. Your DD probably knows something is wrong. Who cares that he lied about when you last had sex? To me it's irrelevant. He's abused your trust again. He is sneaking around filming himself and sending it to strangers, in yours and your DDs home. It's abhorrent behaviour. I'd just confront him and tell him to get out and give you some space. What a horrible shock for you
Sorry op but I would be sending him the screen shots I had and telling him he's a gonner
He knew you dealt with it last time and it's sent out the signal that he can and will get away with it.
Why are you letting him do this to you?
Show your dd what a strong women consists of and what not to accept in life. W
That's how I evaluate things in my head.
Would I want my dd to allow herself to be treated that way?
I want my girls to grow up with a confident respecting manner and know how to be treated when they are married etc etc.
Staying with him because you don't want to upset your dd is not going to teach her what rrlationships should be about.
Once you have seperated you will be much happier and relaxed and she will see that.
Once that trust is shot to pieces there's no going back x
It would be so tempting to take the phone but not mention it. Send him into a panic! I wouldn't do it though.
i know how you feel about keeping it to yourself, i had to keep something to myself for 6 weeks and about killed me and at the moment am lining ducks in a row with regards to getting out and thats killing me too, but do it till you know the score exactly, have consulted solicitor etc, and no, you stay put, the only reason im going is no kids at home and way way too expensive and massive rented house just for me
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.