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Can an unhappy marriage make you ill

(29 Posts)
whatisforteamum Thu 09-Mar-17 09:37:55

Been together 30 yrs with 2 dcs.Things haven't been good for about 14 yrs however keeping busy at our jobs and having different days off plus school runs and general activities has left little time for a social life or friends.d d left home last yr so the house is quoted however working hard I didn't feel the empty nest syndrome until now.
The last six weeks I've been feeling unwell.Sick,dizzy no energy and no n terest in anything much.I stopped driving so my independence is lost and have become am ost phobic about the short bus ride to work.
Blood tests and ECG are fine so I'm resting for a week.
Then it occurred to I have no one to turn dh is a distant angry man who often sulks or creates an atmosphere which I can escape through work.
My df has helped me twice bless him even though he is terminally I'll.
I literally find this GS hard that previously I did automatically. Driving.Walking etc.I was really busy.I know viruses can lay you low but can being ignored and snapped at and living with a distant person make you feel a lack of self confidence too.Has anyone felt like this.I have considered peri menopause too.

Hacpac Thu 09-Mar-17 11:06:49

I have found in life that unhappiness in general can make you weary and give you mental health issues which can then impact on the rest of your life.

Loopytiles Thu 09-Mar-17 11:09:52

Sorry you have all this going on, and are feeling so unwell, and very sorry too about your father.

Even if your relationship isn't a factor in your current ill health, it sounds like it's not been good for you for a long time.

Might you consider counselling (alone) to consider what you might do next?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 09-Mar-17 11:14:10

You could be depressed and of course living 30 years with a horrible grumpy snappy moody man can make you depressed.
Have you discussed depression with your GP?
Now you have an empty nest you have nothing left to stay for.
You have done everything you need to, to keep the family together.
Now you don't need to do it anymore and your body is telling you that.

What does your future look like?
Another 20 years living with this distant man who ignores you?
I don't think so.
You need out and you know it.
So what steps do you need to take next?
Do you work full-time?
Could you manage financially on your own with half the equity from the house?

whatisforteamum Thu 09-Mar-17 11:26:17

I currently work thirty for to fortyish hrs a weekweekweekweek.No solid contract which has stressed all of us employees and we've tried to resolve this.My colleagues treat me well which is why I stay there.I am on a low income though.The mortgage is paid.I feel the lack of hugs or any affection maybe making me feel low.I am happy in my own company usually.Dh wasn't so bad until he had a heart attack while both my parents were getting over chemotherapy.I coped well during all that and kids doing exams.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 09-Mar-17 11:55:47

Well that is a lot to deal with.
I would think a heart attack would make him realise life is short and to live it happier and to the fullest.
I guess we all deal with these things in our own way.
Would counselling help him at all?

pudding21 Thu 09-Mar-17 11:57:04

Of course an unhappy stressful enviroment can make you ill. You live with elevated cortisol levels, which can lead to a whole host of issues, adrenal fatigue being one.

It might also be generalised depression. Did they also check your thyroid levels?

RedAndYellowPeppers Thu 09-Mar-17 12:04:02

Yes an unhappy environment can make you ill.
Look at the effects of stress such as increase risk of heart attacks or stroke, just to mention the big life threatening stuff.

Your relationship seems on the rocks. You clearly have been avoiding each other for years. This can be good for you and your health.

Loopytiles Thu 09-Mar-17 12:16:16

Wow, you've been through a lot.

Is DH seeking help with his mental health? (If that's an issue following his ill health).

You said it'd been quite bad for 14 years...

whatisforteamum Thu 09-Mar-17 12:19:59

They diid a!l tests including kidney liver and was suggested I had an inner ear infection following a virus hence the nausea and dizziness.I guess I wasn't too lonely until I became unwell.Dh is distant with D's too.We have joked he could go away and dh wouldn't notice so long ax he had the TV !! Yes dh had counsel!long and now pursues his interests above us.We are like separate people in the same house.yes

whatisforteamum Thu 09-Mar-17 12:37:01

Pudding thanks for the link.Relate said we were a square peg and a round hole.Absolute opposites.I don't think I caused his heart attack as he had three blocked arteries and is overweight.

pudding21 Thu 09-Mar-17 12:45:47

I was meaning more for your symptoms not his. I wasn't suggesting you cause his heart attack ;) You have had a really stressful time and he sounds very difficult to live with, be kind to yourself and re assess your relationship. flowers

RedAndYellowPeppers Thu 09-Mar-17 12:46:31

You will always find a more 'material' cause for something like a heat attack or sinus problems.
The issue there is that it will NOT be your fault if your DH has had a heart attack. He is fully responsible of a the situation too. He could have said that this wasn't working for him and walk away. He could have made more effort in engaging in things with you and your dd.

In the same way, remember that stress is reducing your immunity so you will be more prone to sinus infection etc... so even though the first reason is a bacterial infection, the reality is that it took hold because your immune system was weaker. And it was weaker because of the stress.
Heart attacks are the same. Stress make people eat more, maybe feeling a bit more depressed so they don't exercise etc etc. It's also making the heart 'weaker' and more prone to heart attacks so if there are other things going on, it's even more likely to happen.

But really, even if there is plenty of evidence that a stressful environment is nad for your health, do you need that evidence to look at your marriage and wonder if it's good for you? What about your emotional health? What about how happy you are in the relatuinhsip? Do you get anything out of it?
You don't have to be physically ill to decide to get out of a relationship

ChicRock Thu 09-Mar-17 12:53:44

Sounds like both you and your DH are deeply unhappy.

You've both already tried Relate and your DH had individual counselling, and it very much appears that he's making a life for himself outside of your marriage - which is quite often what people do in unhappy relationships or lonely marriages that they've resigned themselves to staying in for the sake of the children, or whatever reason.

It just needs one of you to be brave and say the words "it's over".

Jazzywazzydodah Thu 09-Mar-17 13:01:56

Yes absolutely.

Emotional stress can present it self as a physical ailment.


Elroya1 Thu 09-Mar-17 13:23:49

I think all of the negativity surrounding you has finally finds its way in the physical world and it is making you ill. I know how this sounds, but you should either try to resolve the issue and look for ways of happiness.

Hermonie2016 Thu 09-Mar-17 13:34:31

I certainly think last known of emotional support contributes to poor health.

I woyod also say thathat menopause can't trigger so many symptoms so worth keeping your hormone levels checked.
HRT can really help to balance hormones.

whatisforteamum Thu 09-Mar-17 13:45:42

Thank you all.I was happy and hea!thy and had a positive bubbly personality a few weeks agoNow ifeel like I'm having anxietyattacks

Dowser Thu 09-Mar-17 13:46:57


No other way to say it.

Turn it on it's head. Imagine a marriage where both partners are happy, respected, loved, part of a team, each other's best friends and confidantes.

If you get warm, light feelings ...then you have your answer.

murphys Thu 09-Mar-17 13:53:33

Yes, I definitely think that you can become ill from stress and depression. That is a lot to deal with what. Just the fact that your dd has left home now is a huge adjustment to your life. That alone can cause many issues.

All the best OP, I hope that you are able to have a word with GP, it can very well be stress related.

(op please do go to the gp. I ended up hospitalized with a nervous breakdown as I was too stubborn to ask for help and thought that I could deal with it all.)

user1487450864 Thu 09-Mar-17 14:17:36

I became very ill during the end of my marriage.

I literally had an upset stomach ( 3 times a day ) for 6 months & ended up losing 2 stone in weight ( I was only 9.5 stone to start off with ).

its only 6 months on that I can what a dreadful beating my health was taking.

Good luck

MsGameandWatch Thu 09-Mar-17 14:21:42

I would say yes. I had a full scale nervous breakdown that manifested in a very physical way after years of an abusive marriage . Eight years after the split I still get migraines and feel drained and weak after any interactions with him. Sometimes I wonder if the mental pain is so bad that it weakens the immune system and so illness can take hold as well. I knew a woman who developed a malignant brain tumour after years of a deeply unhappy and problematic marriage, her relatives believe wholeheartedly that it was the stress of her life and marriage that caused it and she didn't even seem to want to fight it, she had no fight left in her for anything.

whatisforteamum Thu 09-Mar-17 14:45:33

im sorry to hear about your nervous breakdown.I had one in y early 20s after buying our home together. I have seen the gp and will go back if I feel the panic attack fee!ing returning at least I have a week off sick to see what's going on don't get mewro g iam. O victim andim sure he feels lonely too
How did hour breakdown. Manifest itself? I just feel tearful and lonely when I think of getting on the bus to work and y legs feel like jelly ridiculous really ;(

MsGameandWatch Thu 09-Mar-17 15:08:28

I dreaded everything. I was terrified of being alone with my children as I didn't feel capable of looking after them. I can only describe it as panic attacks that would come in waves and last for hours and hours, then I would get an hours respite and it would start again, upset stomach, severe migraines every two or three days. I basically stopped doing everything I used to and hid in the house for 8 months. I would drive to the school to drop DS off even though it was only 500 metres away, I was too frightened to do the walk as I thought I might collapse or lose control on the way. I felt safe in the car. I couldn't even contemplate going to do a weekly shop, I did it all on line. I think now I was probably agoraphobic during that time. Reading that back it doesn't sound as hard as it was but it was a terrible time. I actually wanted to be committed to a psychiatric ward so that I could be close to doctors as I thought I might lose control or die at any moment. I blame it entirely on my ex though the basis was there from an abusive childhood. It's too boring to go into what he did and I don't like thinking about it too much but suffice to say that he has no off switch and my solicitor told me he had never come across such behaviour and abuse in all his years of practice.

I would say to you, it passes, it really does, even when you feel at your most hopeless, there is light you just have to plug on. But you DO have to get out. You will never recover while you're still exposed to the cause flowers xxx

whatisforteamum Thu 09-Mar-17 17:46:02

Mrsgameandwatch thank you for sharing. That sounds suspiciously like how I've been feeling..admittedly there has been a virus and my colleague was vomiting and light headed for more than a week but I feel like driving is too much and too far to work which is ten mins away and walki ng to the bus is too nerve wrecking so today I'm indoors
I did have another job at Xmas and worked far too many hrs. I left with o ly working two days notice as I picked up flu and felt bad I couldn't do more as it was a new place and they wanted me to do three weeks on a nil notice trial.
I guess this week off will make me see if I can cope as my son had to walk me to the docs twenty mins away I usually walk everywhere alone to keep fit.
Weirdly I feel fine at work its just the getting there.

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