Want to go on a night out but my partner said no

[Student1994]

First time poster and wondering if aibu??

So I don't really have friends. I've always been this way and I am pretty much happy living my life like this. I am engaged and do everything with my partner anyway. We also have a 2 year daughter so she keeps us busy.

I am a friendly person though and I talk to everyone when I'm out and about- young, old, man, woman etc. I think I could have friends if I really wanted to but I feel the more people you get close to the more you get hurt, so I tend to keep myself to myself.

However, I am 22 and I have not had a good night out for over a year now. I want to go to my favourite karaoke bar this weekend, have a few drinks, get abit merry, single terribly and meet new people (which I am able to do with ease). However, my partner says I am not going out on my own! He will not come out with me as he says he has no interest in bars anymore as he is 30 now (which is still very young imo). But I reaaaaally want to go and have some fun. I don't leave the house all weekend, every weekend. I am at uni through the week and then there are non stop chores to get through and not to mention a toddler to take care of. I just want one night off but if I go out alone just to my favourite bar then he said he is going to leave me. He said it is weird and I must want to go and kiss other men. But I really don't and most definitely won't!

In terms of safety I said my partner can drop me right outside the place and i'll make sure I get a licensed taxi home- They park just outside the bar.. So it's not like i'll be putting myself in a dangerous situation. I will also only be getting tispy not drunk where I can't handle myself- and be making sure my drink is never left unattended.

The question is, should I go out and have fun and risk the consequences?

Or should I stay in as my partner is in the right and it is weird?

Thanks in advance x

[Justmuddlingalong]

Is he controlling in other areas of your relationship?

[Hassled]

It's not weird - you sound like you're well aware of any potential dangers and will behave sensibly. What's weird is that your partner thinks he can tell you what to do and is prepared to threaten to leave in order to stop you. At 22, regardless of whether you're a parent or not, you should be having some fun.

[gamerchick]

You don't need permission to go out. I'd hazard a guess this is just one scrape of many things your partner does and has done and you haven't seen it yet.

[Dragongirl10]

Op it is very worrying that your partner does not trust you to go out...of course you must go out, you do not ever have to ask permission.

Please consider carefully if this is how you want to live....

[TheOnlyColditz]

he's a control freak. He thinks you want to kiss other people because that is what he would do. You're 22. Don't waste your youth on this controlling old fart

[ageingrunner]

Does he usually decide what you can and can't do?

[Klaphat]

You should leave your partner, who seems to enjoy some weird and unhealthy parent-child power dynamic he's got going on with you. Take some time to find your adult instead of letting this man keep you in a child role for the rest of your time together.

[GallivantingWildebeest]

He is a controlling, abusive bastard. You're in your 20s! Why should you live like this?

Must say that not having friends is unusual though, especially if you're social, as you say you are. Why would you want to go out to a bar by yourself?

But whatever you want to do, your h should not be stopping you or telling you you can't go. He's not your keeper.

[Klaphat]

Your adult self*, swear I didn't delete that word ffs

[Shoxfordian]

Go out! Drink some shots
Boy bye

[MrsDustyBusty]

He gets to ban himself from going out if he wants. You are a separate individual and an adult. He simply has no business attempting to tell you where you may go.

[Herdingcows]

Would he feel better if you went with a friend?

[Dieu]

Hmmm. Not sure I like the sound of him. Next time just tell him you're going out with your uni coursemates (not for his benefit, but for yours) and do as you damn well please!
He has had you where he wants you for so long now (ie stuck at home) and you wanting a social life (which is perfectly understandable) has rocked the boat for him. Tough. Not everyone at 30 can be as boring and controlling as him!

[supadupapupascupa]

you do not have to ask for his permission. you are an adult. if he doesn't like it tough. you are 22 and you SHOULD be out having fun once in a while. if he is serious i would suggest you take a hard look at him and your life together, this is wrong. im sorry you are going through this and for being so hard, but it's true.

[ageingrunner]

I wasted my 20s on a controlling man and I still feel so angry with myself about it. I used to ASK him if I could go out and he used to say 'we'll have a see'
If I could go back in time to being 22 I would leave him and get on with my own life. As it was, we were together 10 years. Don't waste your life op. And why not make some friends?

[Hassled]

"the more people you get close to the more you get hurt" - did he tell you this or is this really what you think re friendships? Because I can tell you (and if it's relevant, I'm old enough to be your mother) that good friendships have saved me many times - never underestimate the value of strong friendships. Partners come and go but good friends stay good friends. So yes, go out and make some.

[Ironwoman123]

OP I feel similiar to you. I don't have many friends but I like it that way as unfortunately I just feel ill get hurt if I let people get too close. Unless we click really well I tend to keep people at a distance.

That being said, I have two sisters who I am extremely close to and if I ever wanted to go out I'd either go with them or some other friends that I'm not particularly close to but we go out or meet up every month or so.

I find it strange that he's saying no altogether- would he be happier if you went with someone else?

Reason I'm asking is I feel my OH would feel uneasy about me going to a bar by myself. Not that he doesn't trust me but I think he'd think I was safer with someone else.

[DialUpMyNumber]

You sound really lovely and fun loving. And you're so young!

This doesn't bode well at all for your future, I'm afraid to say.

You arent a child. You should be able to make adult decisions and negotiate shared childcare with your partner for social time.

I couldn't live like this, for sure.

[Shoxfordian]

Also he doesn't get to give you permission to go out. You're a grown woman.
He's an idiot. Leave and leave now.

[Student1994]

Thank you for your replies!

I understand it sounds odd but it's not bad at all. I usually see someone I know anyway and meet lots of new people too. It's always packed and everyone has a go of the karaoke. I do everything i'm supposed to day in day out and just want one night off. He can do and go where he pleases but apparantly as i'm a woman it's different.. he is sulking and not speaking to me now as he says it is weird and he would be a mug to allow it. I am tempted to just say fine I wont go but the other side of me wants to say i'll do as I damn well please. Sighhhhh x

[SittingAround1]

This is a weird setup. You don't need to ask permission to go out. Does he want you to stay in every weekend for the rest of your life? At 22 you are far too young to be staying in all the time.

I don't understand why you don't have friends. Has he stopped you making any?

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me.

[PickAChew]

You should not need to ask his permission. Yes, chekck that your plans don't clash with his hectic social life, but you should never have to ask permission to go out. He's supposed to be your partner, a fellow adult, an equal partner, not your father as a 12 year old.

Run. Far and fast before he destroys you.

[ilovelamp82]

He is controlling. You are in your early 20's. Far too young to be dealing with a partner that thinks it's ok to tell you you can't go out. Who does he think he is?

Oh and you not having friends suits him down to the ground. Because if you had friends they would quite rightly point out to you that your partner is controlling.

Don't ever let someone else change who you are or the way you think. Go out, have some fun. If you can't go out in your 20's, when can you? Don't miss out on life because of some insecure controlling idiot.

[TheOnlyColditz]

"Mug to allow it"???
he doesn't get to allow or disallow it

PLEASE

Please go out and have a good time. Don't let him trap you like this.

PS don't be too surprised if he threatens to kill himself if you go. he won't though, don't worry. Still go.

[ZilphasHatpin]

You're 22, you could live for another 60/70 years. Imagine the next 60 years of this from him. Does that sound appealing? Get out now while you're still young enough not to have wasted the best years of your life on this asshole. Seriously, there are nice men out there. Men who actually like their partners and get a real warm and fuzzy feeling from seeing their partner having fun.