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Kind advice needed...(38 Posts)
I have been in a relationship for almost 4 years. I have struggled over the last two years with my girlfriend as we haven't seen eye to eye on a number of key decisions.
This has left me questioning, could the grass be greener on the other side? Am dating the one for me? Now don't get me wrong, I have put a lot of hard work into this relationship, it hasn't been that plain sailing and 3-4 years is not something easily replaced.
I will point out that I do love my girlfriend and I care for her a lot but I have this burning question of whether or not I'm in love with her. Unfortunately this has caused another burning question which has been banging in my head like a big bass drum...that question is...could I do better?
Our main difference on opinions have come over money, family and morals.
Within our first year of being together I fell deeply in love with her. The butterfly's played with my heart, she brought excitement to every moment of my days and I felt alive. I know this is normal and eventually wears off.
Within the second year she had some problems at work. She went for a promotion but didn't get it. It was natural progression for her but they over looked her. I suppose I pushed her to go for it. As I believed in her and thought that she would be the first choice. However she wasn't successful and as a result she felt it was more my fault so took it out on me.
She blamed me for everything and she became depressed. I can remember one night asking her, "you need to come out of this, you need to be the person I fell in love with"...I practically begged her. About 4-6 weeks later I had my partner back.
After going on holiday this seemed to get even better and when we got back I decided that I would sell my house and supprised her by taking her to a new build development site and taking her around the show homes and having a look at the properties...
Initially the surprise seemed welcome but when we got home she flew off the handle saying that I should have planned it with her and that she would have liked to have looked forward to it. I apologised but was quite upset by her behaviour.
We eventually purchase a placed together but she became very ungrateful for everything I did for her and us. She compared our relationship to others, wasn't happy that I had money to put in a house and she had nothing and became a "I want it now" type girl.
I suppose what upset me the most was despite my best efforts to make her happy. She kept comparing our relationship to others. Looking at what they had, what they had coming up. It made me feel very unappreciated! I started to have doubts about the longevity of the relationship but decided to write them off as cold feet related issues. And ploughed on.
After we moved in things were great, I asked her to marry me. She said yes. 6 months later the same problems arose. She became depressed. Jealous and envious of everyone and everything. Compared our relationship to everyone else's again. As a result she wanted to get married sooner than i felt we could afford.
I had debt and I felt that I should clear that up first to give us a level playing field to move forward on. But she disagreed. She wanted to get married. It's all she said, all she wanted to talk about. After having a chat about the date the discussion got out of hand and an argument erupted! During that argument she said some horrible spiteful things such as "if you don't marry me before I'm 30 I'll go find someone who will" and "I don't think you're my only one, I believe there is more than one out there"!
Eventually we agreed the date I proposed. I tried to reason with her. I explained that it would still be the most happiest of days but she said "when I'm walking down the isle all I'll be able to think about is you made me wait for this"...
Some of the hurtful things she said put deep into me like a knife through butter I didn't understand how she could tell me one minute that she loved me but the next minute be saying such horrible things to me and hurting me.
I remember saying on a number of occasions for her to stop pushing me away. I practically begged her to stop speaking to me in the way she was and to except that our lives where our own lives and that we shouldn't compare our lives to others. I said to her on seven occasions to stop pushing me away and stop holding me out at arms reach otherwise there will come a point where I want love her as much as I used to.
There were days where I felt I couldn't go home as I was worried about how she would be and if she would be in a bad mood. For a long while at times I felt like I was walking around on eggshells and was worried about doing something which would then provoke a further argument.
A few weeks later we had a few big bills come through. Council tax as our house had been unbanded so we owed 9 months worth in one go, electricity bill was a further £270 more than we had been paying for, water bill was similar and then my mobile phone company billed me for £350 for using data on my phone which I still to this day swear I didn't use it.
Every time I tried to talk to her about the money I was hit with a brick wall. I was very stressed. Very upset. But she didn't listen! She didn't help. She refused to help. Refused to listen to my worries. The bills, the pressure from her re a wedding, pressure from her wanting a holiday lead me to having a nervous breakdown.
My parents tried talking to her as did her mother. She didn't listen and refused their help. She began saying horrible things about my parents. She refused to see them and have them in our house.
There were times where I was that scared to go home as I didn't know what mood she would be in. I avoided going home as I didn't want the aggro and arguments. I didn't want to feel like I was having to walk round on eggshells anymore.
Eventually I told her, I told her that I didn't love her as much any more. I told her that her behaviour had pushed me to my limits and broken me. She told me if I left her she would kill her self. Two days later at work I had a massive break down in front of my manager and went to see my doctor who diagnosed me as having PTSD, Stress, depression and anxiety.
As my mental break down was as a result of the pressure she had put me under along with a few issues at work I didn't feel like I could tell her what was going on. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, I didn't want to upset her. I just thought I could move past it.
I talked with friends, colleagues and family. Family suggested I give her another chance. Friends and work colleagues were the ones who had sat on the fence. They were split 50/50 some suggested that I give her another chance so suggested that I leave her.
I agreed to work on it and give her another chance...
She wanted to go on holiday and I wanted to use the money and put it towards the credit cards. However through pressure and my anxiety she managed to talk me into book a holiday. We went on holiday. Whilst on holiday our relationship got better. I felt better. But soon after getting back off holiday thing got bad again. As we were arguing quite a lot again my anxiety got worse and i shut off from her.
Slowly a distance has grown between us. I don't know how to fix it? Or even if I can. As I say I constantly wonder could the be something "better" out there for me? But better for me would mean having children later in life, later than what I wanted! I was initially worried about having children later in life. Just didn't sit easy with me.
Even now when we talk about it, she refuses to admit it even happened! She doesn't take any responsibility for what's gone on between us and blames me for it and says it's all in my head.
So come on folks. Give me your advice! What would you do? What would you do if you were me?
Anyone's helpful advice wouldn't appreciated.
I stopped reading at "could the grass be greener ..."
The grass may well be greener BUT if you take time to water the grass it wont ever be, will it?
Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. I think you could both be kinder to each other. If you can't then I think you should go your separate ways. Sorry. I feel for you. It sounds like you have both been through a lot.
P.s the <be kind> comment is for everyone. In AIBU you will find many people who will be unkind.
Just realised this is not AIBU. Sorry I am obviously not with it today!
To be honest you sound like a bit of an idiot and she sounds absolutely vile.
I would have walked LONG ago
The first part of your post makes you sound pretty awful and I expect many people will only read that and give you a fairly harsh response. However reading on shows that she is pretty awful too and your relationship is a dysfunctional mess. You're young, cut your losses and you can both find someone more suited to you.
The way you describe it you both don't sound like you love the other person. It's all about the house, wedding, vacations. It doesn't sound like you really like spending time together on a normal day-to-day basis. If you really want to work this out you should go to a relationship therapist together. If she doesn't want to go, go see someone anyway. You need to decide if you should go on or leave.
You have one spoilt brat there OP. Cut and run fast.
From what you have written she sounds eternally ungrateful and every perceived ill is your fault
Of course this is only your side of the story but assuming what you say is true I wouldn't be having kids with her or any kind of life with her.
Maybe go to couples counselling first
The relationship sounds bloody awful and you are both totally wrong for each other. get a divorce before money becomes and issue and it all goes to hell and try again with someone else.
Sounds like you have both lost respect for each other. And you both have mental health issues which doesn't help, as to me there seems to be alot of blame flying around for each others problems. Mabie the problem is that you just dont work together. There is no point living a lie with each other if you both don't support each other. It would be interesting to hear her side of the story. Have you been as supportive in the past as you could have been. Its a very difficult situation.
Get out! This is not normal ups and downs. Life is too short. In this case, the grass could definitely be greener on the other side!
Both of you be kind to each other and mabie have a break to revalueate the situation. Spend time alone and work out what you both like.
If this was a woman posting this about a man everyone would be like "what a cunt, get out of there".
So I'm gonna say it (and I have suffered with mental health, anxiety, depression and anorexia).
The best thing you can do for you both is to leave and move on. She'll be a wreck to start with but it does pass and it does seem so much worse when you're tackling mental health too.
It sounds harsh and you obviously care for her but we all have one life, why waste it living with someone who's making it miserable?
She sounds chaotic, i would say definitely leave whilst you still can.
It wont be easy but at least you can both have a chance at finding someone thats actually right for you, you sound like you need a genuine girl that appreciates what you do for her and doesnt take you for granted and unfortuntely it sounds like she doesnt know just how good she has it. I mean... you bought a house for her... you proposed to her and you supported her ... what more could she want. Too much by the sounds of it
I think you know the answer already...
Don't torture each other anymore and move on.
Her personality sounds emotionally unstable
If it is this bad before you marry, it will likely only get worse when you've been together for 10 years & have small children around.
I say get out now before any more commitment is made.
I read the thread and I can't see where the OP sounds awful.
The only thing I went "ouch" at was the show home thing. That sounded a bit controlling and overwhelming to do to a partner.
My advice would be to split, the last thing I'd do is commit legally and financially to someone with such a different outlook on life, and someone who can't share the bad times supportively.
Also, if that is an accurate description of her, she sounds like Jill from Nighty Night.
It can be really hard to see from the inside, but a basic principle of a good relationship is that it makes your life better, not worse. This one just clearly doesn't.
From what you have said, you could almost certainly 'do better' by finding someone more suited to you. Obviously it's all written from your side, but if it is indeed an accurate reflection of your relationship, you sound totally wrong for each other. (And she sounds like a nightmare, to be honest.) Time to move on I think.
Look. You've been with her 3-4 years and are suffering a mental breakdown, stress, anxiety and PTSD (not sure how, but hey ho).
Life's too short.
Split up and enjoy being by yourself.
Why put up with all that shit. She sounds an energy draining, neg ferret.
Cut your losses & run. And don't look back.
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