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So angry and hurt

(18 Posts)
Nutellafanatic89 Wed 08-Mar-17 14:57:17

But of a long one, had a baby 6 months ago, whilst pregnant I found out my oh had been speaking to people on a sex hookup site again (he did it before but promised not to again) I made a profile and spied on him, I know he was talking to women sexually as I caught a glimpse once but when I came back it was gone, 4 weeks after having baby I confronted him, asked him for his password so I could see the extent of what he was doing, he said no told me I was worthless, and that I shouldn't have invaded his privacy, I asked for transparency so I could deal and try to move on but he wouldnt, few days later (I'm not speaking to him because I was upset that he called me worthless after just giving birth to baby) he writes a note saying he can't do anymore as a husband he needed something different coz working all the time and coming home to a sad wife was to much for him, and added divorce papers plus his rings in the mix, I know he did this to try force me into forgiving him out of fear of being on my own with toddler and newborn, we spoke and kindoff reconciled but I'm still so angry that he printed divorce papers and was on that site talking about things that are only for me and him, fast forward a few months we have argued another 2 Times, one about me not doing anything to improve my appearance (I gained 3 stone through and after baby) and the second he told me I bring nothing to the relationship/family business/financial aspect of our lives, and that I am holding him back because of my appearance and lack of enthusiasm, I am tired all the time, I feel so sad and alone, I don't have anyone to talk to, I don't just do nothing I run the house, sort the kids do the shopping washing cleaning cooking he doesn't do any of that, he has made me feel awful about my appearance, about me as a parent and partner

annielouise Wed 08-Mar-17 15:00:35

He sounds a bully. I'd leave but not sure if you're in a position to. I'd probably print off the Child Maintenance Service details and tell him if he doesn't change his attitude this is where you'll be heading - you getting a percentage of his income. Does he not care about the kids growing up when he threatens these things? Sorry but he's an arsehole and like a plaster better the pain of ripping off quickly and getting on with your life.

Procrastinator1 Wed 08-Mar-17 15:07:15

Very sorry to here about your situation. Someone might be along soon to advise on the financial aspects of your situation as you are married, but really are you getting anything out of this relationship? If not perhaps you might want to consider if you would be happier without him? Don't let him make you feel worthless.

Adora10 Wed 08-Mar-17 15:34:03

Please value yourself better than what this arsehole is giving you credit for; he's actively seeking out sexual kicks with other women; this is the second time you've caught him; I bet he's on dozens of similar sites OP.

He has no respect for you or your relationship with him, you must see that; never mind his bullying tactics to get you to STFU, unbelievable.

He seems to think he can treat you like crap but you will stay and put up with it, why not change your tactics now OP, and tell him to fuck off, I mean seriously how much of a doormat do you want to be; I'd guess once he finds the one, he'll be leaving you anyway; he' sound a right bastard.

magoria Wed 08-Mar-17 15:41:26

Fill in those divorce papers.

You deserve so much better than a man who uses this as a threat to get you to shut up and put up with his treating you like shit.

It will be hard alone but you won't have all his crop bringing you down.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 08-Mar-17 15:43:50

Wow - what a catch you've got there.
Sorry but he's a nasty bully.
Put together a list of what you do.
How long it all takes and then put that into hours and pay.
So pay yourself £10 per hour for childcare, cleaning, cooking, washing, etc...
Let him see hard numbers as to how much you actually do bring to the relationship.
Do you have anyone close by?
Family or friends you can talk to about all of this.
This is not a healthy relationship for you or your DC.
Have a chat with CAB and find out what benefits you would be entitled to.
Also what maintenance he would have to pay for the DC.
You might actually be better off on your own.
He's bringing you down. Things really won't improve until he's out of your life.
Are you breastfeeding?
If you aren't I'd be tempted to go off for a weekend and leave him to it.
See how he copes.
How much washing he gets through.
How clean and tidy the house is.
Only then will he realise what you do.

user1479305498 Wed 08-Mar-17 15:48:59

yep fill in the divorce ones and print out the stuff ref child maintanance whilst you are at it. Someone like this really doesnt deserve you op. Plesae dont pander to him. In the meantime tell him to cook and wash for himself. This is immensly cruel stuff just after you have had a baby. Funnily enough when you regain some self esteem after this numpty I think you may find you lose weight and feel far less tired. Anxiety (and I know this myself as marriage currently iffy) is enormously wearing.

Nutellafanatic89 Wed 08-Mar-17 16:52:27

Thanks for advice so far
Need to add a bit more,
He works hard for our family, shoulders 3/4ths of the financial stuff
Through out the pregnancy sex was great up until 8 weeks before (it was so uncomfortable for me but we still had sex) he wouldn't talk to me about anything pregnancy/baby related unless I really forced him, I don't think he wanted to think about the extra stress of having another baby, he would go on the site when he was at work sometimes when he was home and I'm in bed or if he's in the loo, he updated his profile days after I gave birth changing bio pictures info ext, I have been pretty much left to sort kids out on my own he has only had toddler twice without me and baby once, since having baby, he said he went on the site to escape reality, but he did admit he felt he could of done something stupid if I hadn't caught him, before I was pregnant we had our issues but I was confident 3 stone lighter, I felt sexy, and he seemed much happier with our relationship, now I'm starting to stress again because I have to go back work and I simply can't rely on him to look after kids coz of the nature of his work, I have family who say they will help but to be honest I can't rely on them either, I'm angry with his lack of transparency, the fact he wouldn't let me see the msgs, the put downs and pressure, I cry at least every other day, I have melt downs if I have to go anywhere with him because I'm worried I've not dressed nice enough, I've totally lost myself 😢

Adora10 Wed 08-Mar-17 17:00:29

If you continue this relationship then expect to feel shit about yourself. Sorry OP but you need to wise up; it's him causing all your stress and negativity; why are you allowing this cretin to put you down and dictate what and who you are, why?

Don't believe a word he says re other women, pretty sure he's cheated; he seems to think he's entitled to because you are allowing him to treat you like crap; he's a horrible bastard OP, I don't know how you can't see it.

He's doing nothing for you, nothing!

Nutellafanatic89 Wed 08-Mar-17 18:38:43

Thanks for advice xxx
we have been together 11 years married for 5, we always said we would try to work things out that divorce isn't an option so I don't get why he printed the divorce papers, I was sitting racking my brains on how to over come this betrayal and he's printing bloody divorce stuff, I now feel disconnected, I can't open myself up to him and I struggle to seem interested in his topics of chat (he tends to bounce business idea's of me and asks for an opinion) I don't trust him and his job means he's out at anytime of day/night, So i wonder where he's actually gone, I genuinely don't think he's cheated physically, we sleep together maybe once every 1-2 weeks but I don't feel like I want to be intimate with him, I don't want to share that part of me with someone who has hurt me and made me feel awful

Ellisandra Wed 08-Mar-17 18:43:22

Fill those bloody papers in, he's a total bullying arsehole, and a cheating one at that.

Honestly, I know it's easy to say LTB on here, but I cannot see the slightest reason to stay with this nasty piece of work.

Nutellafanatic89 Wed 08-Mar-17 18:43:50

Sorry to keep adding more but my situation is not straight forward, thank you for all advice is gives me a lit to look into, maybe I should start invoicing him everytime I do anything for him lol x

Nutellafanatic89 Wed 08-Mar-17 18:46:21

I'm not perfect myself, I admit I have gone days without saying a word yo him but I get myself in such a state of sadness and anger that I just can't bear to talk to him or engage in anything with him

PickAChew Wed 08-Mar-17 18:47:58

I think the only valid response to those divorce papers is "good idea."

He is trampling all over your feelings a d them making out that you're the one in the wrong for being upset about his sex chats and nasty comments. No doubt you're the one doing all the night wakings, so of course you're tired.

And I'm not comfortable with the fact that he was willing to have sex with you when you didn't really want it because it was uncomfortable for you. Only a selfish, fetid jizzrag would insist on sex with a heavily pregnant woman who did want it or enjoy it

DenimChicken Wed 08-Mar-17 23:27:55

I think it is pretty straightforward if he's on hook up sites and thinks you're worthless.

kittybiscuits Wed 08-Mar-17 23:35:59

Kiss him goodbye. Except don't kiss him obviously because he's a disgusting pig. You will have a life of misery until you divorce him and you will manage better without him. I promise, you will only look back and wonder why it took you so long.

Joysmum Wed 08-Mar-17 23:43:21

Ah so his answer to having sad wife is not to try to find ways to make her happy and improve the marriage, but instead to blame her for everything and see it as license to cheat.

His first thought is always of himself, not his wife or children. That's not a person I'd want to waste the rest of my life on.

AshesandDust Wed 08-Mar-17 23:53:30

Calls the mother f his children worthless and prints off
divorce papers for you?
Not exactly a catch as a husband and father is he?
More like a petulan,t nasty, bullying bastard.

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