How to resolve this with DP(29 Posts)
OK going nc for this looking for suggestions to sort out problem with DP. We live separately we were both divorced when we met. I married very young had children but my ex was too young and the marriage quickly went downhill ending with him moving in with his affair partner. I worked hard for 18 years as a single mum , paid off my mortgage and had no debts and was happy. I met DP and we hit it off . He has a very well paid job and had reared his children after his divorce. He is extremely careful with money and so am I but after 4 years of living separately I could use some advice. My work is highly sensitive and confidential. It doesn't pay well but I love it. Recently I had an illness that was life threatening and I had time off work. I just about managed to pay my bills but one £500 bill . In the years together I have never borrowed from anybody but while in hospital I asked DP for help with the £500. He takes home 7k a month . He lent me the 500 and told me again about the debts his ex ran up . I was very lucky to recover and had a very close call and it has taken months of rehab to be able to walk stand etc. I have been advised to cut back my work hours and I am able to have a reasonable standard of living. DP spent every sat afternoon and Sunday with me it was hard for him and I couldn't go anywhere it was a terrible time. Now I am back at work and I asked him about moving in together as we had planned before I got ill. He just says why don't you come to mine for a few days? I haven't been at his house since I was ill except once. He thinks I should stop working and relax but I can't afford to . He complains about how lonely it has been at his house. I cannot work from his house so we are stuck. He says he likes my cooking but I remember how it felt to borrow the 500 from him. Should I say it to him ? Any advice please sorry for the novel
I think there are a few issues to look at separately.
Moving in probadly might need to be delayed, you are still recovering so perhaps best to get back on your feet.
Why not go to his for a few days as he suggested, can you take holiday?
Do you get paid when sick? Just wondering if that's an issue.
Are you feeling that he's didn't show enough commitment whilst you you were ill?
He sounds tight as a duck's arse. There'll be no "in sickness and health, for richer for poorer" with this guy. He sounds wonderful and committed as long as it's not costing him any money or causing any inconvenience, I wouldn't settle for that, a life partner needs to be someone who supports and loves you whether times are good or bad.
FatOldBag, I didn't read it like that in the OP but maybe I misread it.
He sounds like a nice guy from what I can understand.
I would be worried it even crossed his mind to refer to his ex and her debts. . You are obviously a very independent money savvy woman and he should know that after 4 years!! Maybe create a future scenario about joint finances and watch his reaction with care.
FatOldBag is right; he's a tight wad; seems to be casting up to you when you are seriously ill, fuck that, he's not a life partner.
You have proven yourself to be an independent, hard working and honest woman. You sound like an amazing person & an inspiration (I bloody wish I was like you) and yet your DP gets sniffy over £500? I'd be offended that he didn't realise how low you had to get to ask for it and even then...you came back from the brink of death and only accumulated £500 debt?! You are amazing! You have an established relationship where he should know what a decent person you are and a measly £500 between partners is nothing, especially considering he isn't short of a bit of money. A true partner should be there (without judgement or reservations) to help you when you stumble a little and not point out what they don't want you to do whilst they are reluctantly helping you! In my opinion this is a red light. He seems to hold himself back and not have a unrelenting need to help you. That's not love. This should be a time that should have really showcased his dedication.
Thanks for the replies . He doesn't want to get married again but wants me to give up work as I have a small investment income. However he would expect to do all the cooking and housework as he has a larger income. He did look after me when I was ill at my house . The talk of the ex and her debts is annoying me though
I'm not sure what the issue is here? He's asked you to stay at his for a while, which seems like a sensible thing to do before committing to living together. You mention that "he told me about his ex" but was this done in a nasty way, or was he just making conversation? It's hard to tell from your OP.
Are you self-employed? I take it he isn't - I think people with steady employment find it hard to understand the challenges of working for yourself, where there's no sick pay, no holiday pay, nobody to pick up the slack if you feel shit.
Is there any way that he could come and stay at yours for a bit, as a compromise?
He doesn't want to get married again but wants me to give up work as I have a small investment income.
Woah! Fuck that! If he wants a cleaner and cook then he employs one! I would never agree to give up work for this reason, not unless you've got a burning desire to spend your days cleaning his skid marks out the toilets and stuffing mushrooms
No No No!
But if he likes he could PAY you to do those things. Otherwise he'll get an unpaid housekeeper (for free) if you ever moved in!
Doesn't want to get married but wants you to give up your job? You would be very
crazy vulnerable, OP.
Why does he want you to give up a job that you love? Why would you do that? Why would he suggest it?
expect me to do all the cooking housework
Really? Bugger that. What a joke - I hope you tell him to go jump. Someone who is supposedly in a relationship with you, who supposedly loves you, does not harp on about money and supporting you when you're ill.
I don't think he sounds particularly nice.
Could you keep your house and rent it out so giving you an income? Then move in with DP to see how it goes but maybe suggest he pays you x amount a month to do all the cooking/cleaning etc and you pay half rent/bills so it is more equal?
So basically you would be a nice, cheap housekeeper that he could sleep with?
I wouldn't be interested in an offer like that. You sound really great and he sounds really tight. I appreciate that he's wary after his ex, but surely the situation was very different?
Since your update, I've changed my mind on him. Sounds awful.
I dont think hes tight. He has had his fingers burnt by debt before it has clearly made him cautious.
However it does sound like he wants a free housekeeper so stuff that!
Carry on as you are or split up but dont make yourself financially vulnerable.
Absolutely no way should you move in to be his cleaner/housekeeper. You are not in good health and he sounds like he Will make you work for your keep.
If a stranger offered you this 'job' you would burst out laughing!
You could rent out your home and move in somewhere small together, or he could move in to your house.
sookiesocks you don't think he is tight? He has lots of disposable income and his partner was dying and needed £500 for debt she accumulated and he decided to mention his ex and her poor money skills then? Regardless of her being seriously ill and having shown herself to be the complete opposite of his ex? He sounds awful. He seems to want to always ensure the playing field is 100% level! I will work but you will cook and clean? This isn't love...love isn't consciously making sure someone isn't inadvertently getting a single perk more than you! This isn't real life...I would have serious concerns over a man who is so uptight (where's the romance in that?)My hubby earns a lot more than me and it still feels equal. I can't earn as much as him but can't always cook every meal either. A home life and a partnership can't be so clinical-it's not like the one who earns less is playing the other if they leave a pot for them to wash! When I was working (Mat leave), I worked prob 10 hours a week less but hubby would still happily make a meal or fold some laundry if the need arose- it's just how things are, no one should keep score! I'm at home all day with our kids and he comes straight in and helps, makes a meal and does a few jobs. He has quite a high powered job so he has been in board meetings and all sorts buts appreciates why my workload is hard too. Your partner seems to focus on balance but doesn't truely grasp the concept at all!
3luckystars work for your keep is a perfect way of putting it.
No I dont think hes tight. If he was he would not have given her the money.
I was left in £1000s of debt by an ex. I am now very careful with money. Im not tight but it has affected how i view money and lending.
I dont agree with his other ideas for the relationship and have already advised the OP not to make herself vulnerable.
'His ex wife ran up lots of debt'. I'd be probing why. Was she a prolific shoe buyer or was she married to a greedy husband? Did she give up work to cook him meals, take care of the kids and scrub the bog but greedy husband didn't share his income. Instead did she resort to using a credit card to buy school shoes despite him clearing 7k a month because he made faces when she asked, or trailed through receipts or just didn't share the family income (they can't need new shoes).
I'd ask her why, I bet she has a very different version of events.
Your spidery senses are tingling that's why you posted here.
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