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Am I being selfish???

(31 Posts)
Doneitagain1968 Wed 08-Mar-17 13:12:27

My DP announced in January he wasn’t happy and he didn’t feel I was happy in our relationship and we should go our separate ways – been together 10 years and have one DS aged 4 ½ .

I live DP house (his before we met and I have never contributed anything towards it) and the place which we live is about 45 minutes from my family including my grown up children (I have 2 and so does he). We both work full time and my MIL has been looking after DS. My DP said that he would move out of his house and that I could continue living there with DS and that he could stay at the same school and MIL could carry on looking after him and in DP words “I could have a few months on my own and see how I feel”….. err I don’t think so it’s all or nothing with me so I have arranged to move back to the area I come from and back to my home so DS will have to go into a new school (reception) unfortunately my DS suffers with separation anxiety – doesn’t like change and even creates sometimes when left with MIL despite her looking after him since he was 10 months old. I also cannot find one childminder to take DS to and from school – either don’t cover that school, full or don’t work on a Friday (unfortunately I do!!). The Breakfast and After School Club unfortunately finishes at 6pm and my train home gets into the station 5 mins to 6 so would always be late to collect DS (also even though I have contacted the club via their website and emailed the manager I have had no response so am assuming they are full too).

So tomorrow I will have to hand my notice in – love my job, extremely well paid but no way do they allow for part time and it’s over an hour each way so even if they did let me do school hours I would only actually be at work for 4 hours max. I am hoping that even though I have left of my own accord I will be entitled to some benefits until I find a more suitable job… I am thinking of registering as a childminder (I have childcare qualification although not used it for a long time) so that I can be there to take and collect DS and cover the school holidays.

I feel completely selfish though – I really can’t see that taking up DP offer will help long term as he will still have a lot of his stuff there and his elder son’s and will have a key and could at any point say you have to leave. I will also be in a town that is not my “home” his extended family live here and he has a number of friends as he is out and about most evenings (I’m the one at home looking after DS) I have no friends here just know a few mums from the school to say hello to – If I move back to my home I have my children, extended family and friends. Am I doing the right thing? Is it okay for me to want to be happy as well as DS and also has anyone else had to give up a brilliant job and claim benefits and it been okay in the end????

Oh yes the DP denies there is OW and that he just isn’t happy and there has to be more to life!!!! - he had an affair about 9 years ago when we didn't live together or have DS so he isn't whiter than white in that department and has been very secretive with his phone etc in the last couple of months.

Adora10 Wed 08-Mar-17 13:20:41

Go home, his offer is both stupid and unpredictable and yes you could end up being told to go; I think he's offering an olive branch out of guilt and sorry but I would say OW too.

Doneitagain1968 Wed 08-Mar-17 13:29:01

Thanks Adora10 my gut instinct screams OW and the fact I am being used as a back up plan and he can play Disney dad to DS - collect him from MIL every evening as I get home later than DP. At the moment DP has been working 7 days a week and three evenings and then goes out the other two evenings to coach (one being a womens only group which he is very protective of!!) - I think that DS will be happier eventually as I will be happier and have my family and friends around me and its an area I know well and my other two children grew up in and went to that local school.

TheNaze73 Wed 08-Mar-17 13:33:43

OW. Once a cheat always a cheat.

He's trying to exercise what little control he has left, with his preposterous suggestion.

Doneitagain1968 Wed 08-Mar-17 13:38:30

thanks TheNaze73 over the last couple of months I have got DS school place sorted out home etc and I think that shocked him and he thinks his offer is generous. I can just hear him once I leave that he was kind enough to offer his home etc - he actually keeps saying how guilty he feels doing this to me, DS , his mother (I pay her for looking after DS) and even my DD as she has had to move out of my house so I can move back in (she is living there with her DP) as there isn't enough room for us all.

Gazelda Wed 08-Mar-17 13:46:08

Rather than resigning, is it worth asking if you could work a short day on Friday?

Doneitagain1968 Wed 08-Mar-17 13:48:43

Gazelda - there are no childminders where I am moving to that have vacancies for the school I need my DS collecting from and if I found one that could do it Monday to Thursday I would have to leave by 2pm to collect DS from school - I work in Central London and will be living out in the suburbs - so that a tube then a train - and praying that they are running on time. Also my work doesn't offer part time or shorter hours to any employee.

gamerchick Wed 08-Mar-17 13:50:13

I don't think you'll be entitled to benefits though, you need to check that before you quit your job to make sure.

sotired2 Wed 08-Mar-17 13:55:01

I think if you leave a job of your own accord you are not entitled to benefits.

Why not first ask for flexi time/reduced hours (even on a temp basis as child minding place could come free) An employer has to legally consider all requests for a change in work (even now without kids) and if they refuse without a genuine economic reason you can go to a 3rd party to appeal.

Also make sure DP pays his fair share of child maintenance etc - get some proper legal advice on what you are due.

Doneitagain1968 Wed 08-Mar-17 13:56:14

Gingerbread have it on their website that you are entitled to benefits if you have no childcare and therefore have to give up work if your child is under 5 - my DS is under 5 but is at school and I will certainly be looking for a new job - unfortunately I can't take him to school and collect him in the job I have now - I have to leave home by about 7.30 and don't get home until after 6 - so no childcare means I have to resign or stay in DP house in an area that is nearly an hour away from my home and family or another suggestion by DP was I leave DS with him and see DS at weekends!! DS is a mummy's boy and I do all the childcare when not at work - I can't even imagine the damage I would cause to DS leaving him.

Doneitagain1968 Wed 08-Mar-17 14:03:31

Sotired2 - my firm is only small and they have no opportunity to offer part time - no one works here part time and when I returned here after maternity leave I asked for a four day week and couldn't even get that - also part time is all good in theory but I would only be working 10 to 2 and I can't do my job in those limited hours and I would have to claim some form of benefits as my wages wouldn't be enough

HarmlessChap Wed 08-Mar-17 14:41:28

my firm is only small and they have no opportunity to offer part time

If you ask then they have a legal obligation to investigate the possibility. They will have to employ someone else so they may wish to look at a job share instead. It often provides a better solution for a business by introducing some greater flexibility for holiday cover etc.

Doneitagain1968 Wed 08-Mar-17 14:56:44

Thanks all but I have worked at my company for over 7 years there are 85 employees and no one is part time and I have asked as have others to do part time - there are a number of us here that are parents and the answer is always NO - so although when I meet my office manager next week I will ask about flexible working hours for a short period of time to find childcare etc I can tell everyone kindly replying to this post that the answer will be no - that they cannot support it and that my job is not a part time job etc - so although for a lot of people the above is all sound advice and what I have already thought of it won't be an option for me

Bizzysocks Wed 08-Mar-17 14:57:12

I dont think you should resign.
I think you should check with after school club first before resigning. If the family you have back home can't look after your son for you for the 15 mins it will take for you to get back from the station until you find a new job they arenot going to be much of a support to you so I'm not sure why moving back there is beneficial to you, when you have mil and ds dad to help if you stay where you are (or another house in the same area) where you can keep your job and ds at his current school

sotired2 Wed 08-Mar-17 14:59:39

Sorry but its the law and "being small" is not an excuse, you can appeal there decision (make sure follow procedure) They would have to look at your work load and adjust accordingly - no one is suggesting you do full time work in part time hours. Would doing some hours from home be an option? I also worked for a small frim and went from full to part time and at times took up slack at home. My work load had to be adjusted but it was all sorted. Look on ACAS website/ website for advise.

Doneitagain1968 Wed 08-Mar-17 15:04:39

Bizzysocks - there are no spaces at after school club - my family is my brother and sister in law who have a reception aged DS themselves unfortunately there are no places for my DS at that school -so my sister in law cannot be in two places at the same time. My other family is my nan who at 95 can't be expected to help and my two grown up children who although can do evenings and weekends both work full time in London. Clearly its not just 15 mins of watching DS - he will finish school at 3.15 I can finish at 5pm at the earliest and would expect to be home by 6.15 - all the childminders in the area are full - My MIL is the sort on hearing that me and DP are no longer together to up sticks and move to be nearer her sister (she has her house on market at moment and keeps talking about it and is fickle).

Doneitagain1968 Wed 08-Mar-17 15:05:53

Thanks Sotired2 - My firm know the law that's what they do and everything they do goes before employment lawyers before being presented so there is no risk of them getting it wrong - so its not going to happen but I will of course ask

GloriousGoosebumps Wed 08-Mar-17 15:07:26

Have you considered an au pair as a solution to the problem of getting your son to and from school?

Doneitagain1968 Wed 08-Mar-17 15:13:04

I have GloriousGoosebumps but only have two bedrooms and adult DS is hoping to move back in - so that's the living-room taken - only leaving the kitchen and bathroom ;-) I have put adverts up for a part time nanny but no takers unfortunately - only offering a couple of hours each day is not very appealing and have joined loads of childcare pages for the area on FB and asked about nothing :-( - People are very kind with their suggestions but I have been looking, advertising etc since January and nothing - who knows in two weeks I could find the perfect solution fingers crossed

GloriousGoosebumps Wed 08-Mar-17 15:21:00

Oh dear. I think if I were in your shoes I'd delay my adult ds returning home and use the second bedroom for an au pair. That would give you some breathing space and vacancies may open up in a few months. Of course, that then leaves your adult ds looking for a flat share bur you'd still have your salary and money gives you options.

Doneitagain1968 Wed 08-Mar-17 15:25:25

It does give me options but no au pairs have been interested in the position in the last 3 months and I don't earn that much that I can pay a fortune - so at the moment between a rock and hard place

sotired2 Wed 08-Mar-17 15:37:43

I know they have refused before and I appreciate what you say about them knowing the law but if they are made aware of your change in circumstances they may just be tempted to keep an employee they know and value over one they don't and having a gap between you leaving and them starting - what have you got to loose by asking again?

Could you also set up as a consultant? Sorry not sure what exactly it is you do so not sure if this is an option.

Doneitagain1968 Wed 08-Mar-17 15:56:05

As say I will ask, beg and plead I am a PA so can't do consultancy and they don't let you work from home - just on the off chance I have just called after school club and they have no vacancies and am now on the waiting list but the lady who runs the company said DS is last in a long list and the first vacancy they would have would be in September 2017. As I said in my original post I aim to either get a local part time job or register as a childminder myself as I am a qualified nursery nurse as well (NNEB) but I know that takes about 12 weeks and obviously no guarantee of anyone looking for local child care but given that I can't find anyone I can't see that as a problem but obviously I need to pay rent, bills in the meantime so it would mean 12 weeks of benefits and as someone who has worked continuously over the last 20 years I don't think that's too much to ask and I don't want to earn lots of money just enough to pay bills etc and actually be able to spend some time with my DS in what is going to be a very traumatic time for him.

Hermonie2016 Wed 08-Mar-17 16:01:48

Consider a mothers help by advertising as I think giving up a job is such a risk.I appreciate the risk now but don't rush allow yourself time to sort it out properly.

A job you enjoy that pays well could save your sanity during a break up.

Hermonie2016 Wed 08-Mar-17 16:04:17

Sorry cross posted, seen you advertised.

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