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How plausible is this explanation? Please ask your (male) dp...

(131 Posts)
Jellybellyqueen Wed 08-Mar-17 11:08:08

If this sounds vaguely familiar, it's because I have mentioned it in posts before, as it relates to other things. I'm having a hard time trying to sort stuff out in my head and would really welcome some opinions on whether this explanation is plausible, or really a load of BS and unlikely in the extreme. This is the initial incident which happened a long time ago (approx 20 years, 7 years into a LTR) but may be relevant to something I found out more recently...Not sure what may be relevant, so here's the lot:

When OH initially asked me out he was already in a relationship, I told him I'd go out with him if he was, he finished with her (which I wasn't expecting), we started going out. Lived together at Uni, then separately while he did a post grad, though still as a LTR (exclusive, I think). After a few years we lived together again while he worked and I did a post grad. He still regularly met up with a group of ppl he had studied with , one of which he developed feelings for (he says later on, but not sure if it's relevant here). I was in no way jealous/controlling and trusted him implicitly at this point, so had no problem with him going out to a show alone with this woman.
The incident: He was going on a work conference, a weekend away (can't remember where) , he and his group of friends were in the same profession, so any of this group could have been there. At this point I was not aware we were having any relationship difficulties. He left, kissing and hugging goodbye as usual. I discovered he had taken a condom with him. When he phoned on arrival, he would not give me a room number or contact number for reception/front desk. This was before mobile phones were common!

When he got back I asked him what he had done. Denied everything, finally admitted to taking a condom, but said he had not slept with anyone. However, he had not brought it back. He said he had decided not to go ahead with it and had thrown it away. In the bin in his room. Because he wasn't going to use it. Much later, he said he had probably thrown it away because he hadn't wanted me to find it in his bag.

My issues with this are: if he wasn't aware that I knew he had taken it, why would he think I would find it in his bag? Which he had packed, and would unpack himself. Why would you throw it away in the bin in your room? It's still available if you wanted it.

So my Q is this: If you had planned on shagging someone else on a work do, but maybe didn't get the opportunity, would you throw the condom away so there would be no chance of someone finding it in your bag? I would have thought it would have been better to sneak it back in the pack at home so I wouldn't know there had been one missing. ( Obviously his gaslighting skills weren't as highly developed back then.)

Would I be a total mug to believe this, as it reeks of a desperate excuse, or is this how men think?

Apparently, he'd heard these things could get pretty wild, so he must have really fancied his chances.

I think that's everything. Thanks for reading this far, would appreciate a male view on this if possible.

NotDavidTennant Wed 08-Mar-17 11:15:54

Most likely he did use the condom, but even if he didn't he went to the conference with the intention of cheating on you. He can't be trusted either way.

PoundlandUK Wed 08-Mar-17 11:23:20

The not giving you a room number or contact number for reception thing?

He was anticipating either his own absence or another person to be present. And he didn't want you to find out about either of those things by accident if they coincided with your phoning. The only other possibility I can think of if if the room he was staying in was actually registered in another person't name (room share) but that's not looking good for him either hmm

I'm not a man.

CheersMedea Wed 08-Mar-17 11:24:12

It's 20 years ago. If you are still together, why does this matter now?

To answer your question, it is very unlikely it would have been thrown away for those reasons. Either you'd keep it and put it back or keep it and forget about it. It's a condom; it's not an exocet missile.

The "discovered he'd taken a condom with him" is weird anyway. I'm guessing you were counting ones in a packet? If he was planning a wild sex weekend, wouldn't you go and buy your own? And plan on at least two? more than one anyway? I wonder whether he actually (at that time) wanted to get caught. You can buy condoms everywhere - even 20 years ago! it seems a v. odd thing to do to take one from a packet at home. (assuming that's how you knew?)

debbs77 Wed 08-Mar-17 11:24:51

Plus you know he is a cheat as he cheated with you

Bluntness100 Wed 08-Mar-17 11:26:32

You're never going to know. He could have used it, he may not have done and chucked it. Am I right this was twenty years ago and you've been together 27 years?

I'd let it go personally,

StarUtopia Wed 08-Mar-17 11:26:42

Does it matter?

He is a sleaze bag. DH just laughed and said he's having it away left right and centre (sorry not helpful)

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Wed 08-Mar-17 11:26:47

I don't need to ask a man thanks. I am capable of puzzling this one out for myself.

He is untrustworthy. Adults don't take condoms out unless they plan to use them.

It doesn't matter what bullshit reason he gave you. Nobody in a ltr takes condoms with them on a trip without their partner without planning to use them. The end.

myoriginal3 Wed 08-Mar-17 11:28:15

It's a bit late in the day to be worrying about it now?

Patriciathestripper1 Wed 08-Mar-17 11:28:58

He shagged her.
You know in Your heart he did
And He knows he did and did everything to cover it up. And I doubt if he will ever admit it to you.
It's not your fault but you were just too trusting (I was like that once too).

Jellybellyqueen Wed 08-Mar-17 11:30:29

True, NotDavid. He says now he is a different person, would not do anything like that, have kids/house etc. So it is possible he changed his mind and didn't cheat (which is what he said happened) 'panicked' and threw it away, which I think we could come back from. Or he shagged someone and is still lying about it, in which case I can never trust him working away in case he gets the urge again, and it's time to call it a day. That's why I'd like to see if this is how other ppl might think in the circumstances 'cause my heads a mess trying to think it through myself.

Patriciathestripper1 Wed 08-Mar-17 11:31:26

Just asked my Dh and he also said he has shagged her.
He actually laughed about the condom being taken and him saying he threw it away!! hmm

Jellybellyqueen Wed 08-Mar-17 11:32:06

debbs77 did you read the post properly?

Patriciathestripper1 Wed 08-Mar-17 11:33:10

And if your husband shags around it won't matter if he works away or not. He will just do it anyway.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Wed 08-Mar-17 11:37:18

Why does it matter now? Why didn't you deal with it at the time?

How long have you been worrying about this? Mobile phones have been commonplace for 20 years!

HarmlessChap Wed 08-Mar-17 11:37:36

Possibly plausible but equally possible that its bullshit.

I'm assuming that condoms were your main method of contraception at the time. If they weren't then it would have been safer to bin one away from home than there being any risk of having to explain the presence of one.

Binning the condom could also have been a symbolic action, from deciding not to go ahead with the cheating.

As it was premeditated I think its more likely that if he took one with him with the view to shagging a particular woman then he either went ahead with it and or was turned down. The thing which I find particularly odd is that he only took one. When ever me and DW have had the opportunity of some time away alone with sex on the cards I've always hoped for a morning session as well as a night time one, and I reckon most blokes would be the same.

Herdingcows Wed 08-Mar-17 11:37:47

Why were you counting condoms? Obviously trust was gone before this even happened. Why worry about so far down the line?!

Littleballerina Wed 08-Mar-17 11:39:40

If it's still bothering you after 20 years I would say that your relationship probably isn't that great. You may never know the answer and only you can decide if you can deal with that.

Thegruffalowswife Wed 08-Mar-17 11:39:55

Yes he shagged her.

He will be doing it with others too.

Sorry OP flowers

LondonStill83 Wed 08-Mar-17 11:42:10

Op, can you explain why it matters to you so much now? It seems very odd to be thinking about it twenty years later. I would have thought at the time you knew you would never know the truth, and decided to move on anyway.

TeethDrama Wed 08-Mar-17 11:43:31

THe thing is, even with all the opinions of all the men in the world, it doesn't and can't prove anything. Only he knows the truth of that condom and what happened to it. Also why now, 20 years on, are you pondering over the matter, a matter you can't prove or disprove?

Who knows if he used it or not. What you do know is that he has intention. An event was anticipated in which it could be used. That's what would bug me. Actually anticipating an opportunity to use it with someone who wasn't his partner.

Why didn't he just buy a new pack somewhere else though??! How incriminating to take one from your own stash at home that you use with your partner, thus covering tracks instead of advertising them! It's like he was too tight to buy a new pack and throw them away if they weren't used. Ooh what a waste of a box of condoms hmm that £3.99 could buy me another pint, I'll just take one from home and risk my OH noticing (which you did)....

The main question is do you want to be with him or not, because you won't find a solid answer about the condone here or anywhere else.

SuperFlyHigh Wed 08-Mar-17 11:43:48

What a load of bollocks and a silly excuse re throwing it away! Of course he slept with someone.

Why are you bringing this up 20 years later though?

HelenaGWells Wed 08-Mar-17 11:44:22

Brutal truth time. If you are still torturing yourself with this 20 years later then what he did is irrelevant. You have never got over this incident and likely You have never really trusted him since. It's incredibly difficult to function when something that happened so
Long ago still clearly affects you. I don't know how you have managed it.

If you genuinely felt like he was different now then you wouldn't need to rehash all this stuff. My gut feeling here is that he's done something similar now you think he's cheating and you are realising this isn't the first time. Maybe you are starting to think about a lot of things that don't add up. Maybe this incident 20 years ago was just the first.

Whatever you do make sure you take your
Own feelings into account. Don't live a half life where you have no trust and oodles of paranoia all the time. You deserve to be happy. Find that wherever it is.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Wed 08-Mar-17 11:44:28

Binning the condom could also have been a symbolic action, from deciding not to go ahead with the cheating.

Outside of TV soaps I don't think people really behave like this in RL.

But as it said, it doesn't matter what he did with it. It just matters that he took it in the first place and was clearly planning to shag someone else.

unfortunateevents Wed 08-Mar-17 11:44:40

It's 20 years ago!! If this has been bugging you all this time, what have you done in the all the intervening years? Have you spent them counting condoms, checking his mobile phone, smelling his clothes, thinking of every other which way you can to check where he is when he's not with you? If you have, then I'm surprised that the relationship has lasted. If however this has only become an issue again after all these years, has something specific prompted it?

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