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advice needed on ex partners who has custody of the child

(31 Posts)
buttercuphunny Wed 08-Mar-17 00:09:40

Been with my oh for 4 months now,long story short but his ex left him when the child was 18 months old.Ran off with his friend and moved to my home town.she demanded everything from he had to travel 2 hours everyday to see the child or he wouldn't see the child again.this ended up with him losing his job and she said he could move in with her and her new husband and his child.this meant him leaving all his family and friends behind but his child is his and always be his main priority.anyway he moved in but he got told he had to do school runs even though they have a car and he had to be home straight from work or she would kick him out.then he meet me, for the first few weeks it was horrible as I could only see him at work.one night we went for a meal and after 10 minutes of his deadline the ex started kicking off.he had had a few glasses of wine and said she needs to know I need my own life and I'll deal with her.he walked me home and he took me to bed (not sexual in anyway) we just hugged and feel asleep. by 10am the next morning the ex had put on his Facebook wall that he was missing etc and he was meant to be having the child even though it was a school day.he went back and got read the riot act.dont get me wrong the ex's husband is on his side but is stuck in the middle.he pushed his luck again and stayed over a few weeks later and he went back and she had packed all his stuff and thrown all his belongings on the front so I obviously had to let him stay at mine as he knows nobody else in my town.anyway she stopped all contact between him and his child.the ex calmed down after a few weeks and let him start taking the child out.then my son added him on fb and she stalked me as my son really likes him and put pics of us all together.she has gone and stalked me and found out that there is an age gap (12 years) and she has now stopped contact with his child again until he finishes with me.this has been the last few weeks and finally she has started letting him see his child about twice a week but for an hour.she is now demanding that his child wants overnight visits but no were near me so he has to get a place of his own.were happy living together and we both agree we don't want to change it but his child is his main priority and I stand by that .His ex is pregnant with the husband not my partner obviously as the child is now 9 so we are thinking of hanging fire until she gives birth as she will be crying out for someone to take care of there child.i just don't know what to do or support him in which way.advice please.n yes I would love to have words with the ex but I would never risk him not seeing his child again

BevGoldbergsSister Wed 08-Mar-17 00:20:14

He really needs to go to court and get a proper contact arrangement.

The whole scenario sound really unusual. I dont undersatnd why he would give up his home and job and move to live with his ex rather than just go to court?

He can self represent, it doesnt cost much and theres no reason you have given why he wouldnt be granted access.

llangennith Wed 08-Mar-17 00:42:07

I gave up after several lines of text as I couldn't cope with the lack of punctuation. Sorry!

SandyY2K Wed 08-Mar-17 00:49:57

She sounds unstable and I can't think why he hasn't sought legal advice.

Or why her new man would entertain the Ex living with them. Neither of them seen like strong enough men, to put her in her place.

She's treating him like crap and he's accepting it, in the name of seeing his child.

I don't mean to sound unhelpful, but he comes over as a bit weak and I'd worry about how it would affect your relationship. The fact that he allows himself to get pushed around like that by her.

SandyY2K Wed 08-Mar-17 00:50:58

Breaking your text into paragraphs would be helpful and easier to read.

SilverdaleGlen Wed 08-Mar-17 00:56:54

Have you seen evidence of all this drama as it sounds quite unbelievable.

If it's accurate simply disengage from the lunacy and take her to court.

buttercuphunny Wed 08-Mar-17 01:40:32

Well I do apologize

buttercuphunny Wed 08-Mar-17 01:43:41

Yes I have seen all messages to and fro and I apologize for my grammar but I thought this was a forum asking for advice and my lack of grammar

buttercuphunny Wed 08-Mar-17 01:48:03

He had a breakdown when she left and yes he is still quite sensitive and he has been to a solicitor and had a free half an hour advice but it's going to cost him a lot of money to go down that route any he does work but on minimum wage and zero hours contract

scottishdiem Wed 08-Mar-17 02:01:40

Made it easier to read anyway:

I have been with my oh for 4 months now, long story short, his ex left him when the child was 18 months old. Ran off with his friend and moved to my home town. She demanded everything from him and he had to travel 2 hours everyday to see the child or he wouldn't see the child again. This ended up with him losing his job and she said he could move in with her and her new husband and his child.

This meant him leaving all his family and friends behind but his child is his and will always be his main priority. Anyway he moved in but he was then told he had to do school runs even though they have a car and he had to be home straight from work or she would kick him out.

He then meet me, for the first few weeks it was horrible as I could only see him at work. One night we went for a meal and after 10 minutes of his deadline the ex started kicking off. He had had a few glasses of wine and said she needs to know I need my own life and I'll deal with her. He walked me home and he took me to bed (not sexual in anyway) we just hugged and feel asleep. By 10am the next morning the ex had put on his Facebook wall that he was missing etc and he was meant to be having the child even though it was a school day.

He went back and got read the riot act. Dont get me wrong the ex's husband is on his side but is stuck in the middle. He pushed his luck again and stayed over a few weeks later and he went back and she had packed all his stuff and thrown all his belongings on the front so I obviously had to let him stay at mine as he knows nobody else in my town. Anyway she stopped all contact between him and his child.

The ex calmed down after a few weeks and let him start taking the child out. Then my son added him on fb and she stalked me as my son really likes him and put pics of us all together. She has gone and stalked me and found out that there is an age gap (12 years) and she has now stopped contact with his child again until he finishes with me.

This has been the last few weeks and finally she has started letting him see his child about twice a week but for an hour. She is now demanding that his child wants overnight visits but nowhere near me so he has to get a place of his own. We were happy living together and we both agree we don't want to change it but his child is his main priority and I stand by that. His ex is pregnant with the husband not my partner obviously as the child is now 9 so we are thinking of hanging fire until she gives birth as she will be crying out for someone to take care of their child.

I just don't know what to do or support him in which way. Advice please. Yes I would love to have words with the ex but I would never risk him not seeing his child again.

TheNaze73 Wed 08-Mar-17 07:59:25

Thanks scottishdiem

I think your best bet, is to support him going through the correct legal channels. The whole set up is bizarre

MyheartbelongstoG Wed 08-Mar-17 09:38:28

Really, someone asks for advice and you pick at her grammar. What the absolute fuck. Op, I read it no problem, no big deal.

The situation your in must be hell and the ex sounds unhinged.

Your partners ex sounds unhinged to be honest. He should go to court. Once the judge sees the length he's gone to to see his child I'm sure access won't be a problem.

I'd opt for a contact centre so ex can't see he didn't turn up etc.

It's a shame that so many women are like this. Don't give up your relationship for a jealous hag.

BevGoldbergsSister Wed 08-Mar-17 09:52:27

Op he would not need a solicitor its very easy to self-represent.

I must admit Im always skeptical of people who claim they arent "allowed" to see the children when they put no effort in doing anything legally.

exWifebeginsat40 Wed 08-Mar-17 10:04:33

JEALOUS HAG

International Women's Day, ladies and gentlemen.

springydaffs Wed 08-Mar-17 10:06:32

Sounds like modern day slavery.

I went for free legal advice through a law centre last night. He can find a way through - somehow, anyhow. He'll have to do a lot of the work himself tho.

I also wonder if Women's Aid could give him some pointers? Yy it's Women's Aid but they may know of equivalent support for men. Even Fathers for Fathers may be an idea, tho I'm loathe to say it.

Annesmyth123 Wed 08-Mar-17 10:06:51

I wouldn't get involved with anyone who had such an unusual living arrangement and set up with their ex until it was sorted out.

It would do my head in, and I couldn't be annoyed with the hassle.

I'd step back until his living arrangements and child arrangements are more settled.

Annesmyth123 Wed 08-Mar-17 10:07:51

And I know he's living with you - but he really has jumped straight from the ex to you - I'd be looking for him to move out settle his head and get access sorted before it moved any further.

Ellisandra Wed 08-Mar-17 10:34:56

He's been your boyfriend for 4 months and now you have him living with your child?
Really? hmm

Even without his crazy situation with his ex, I'd say you need to look at your own choices.

BevGoldbergsSister Wed 08-Mar-17 10:57:10

Hang on FOUR MONTHS?

Ok Im with the mum now.

Four months is around the time its normal to mention to a child you have met someone and start to think about them meeting.
Its far too soon for him to be living with you and your child. How did your child feel when u obviously had to move in a man the child barely knew?

The ex wants ypur DP to have overnights but not with a woman and child no one really knows.

She is right.

If the child is the main priority here he needs to get his own place and put his relationship with his son first, establish a routine of contact and get this put in place legally.

Once that all wprks out in 6months to a year then live together.

SilverdaleGlen Wed 08-Mar-17 12:23:50

Oh I missed that 4 months? Yes back right the hell off. Bad news on both your fronts!

buttercuphunny Wed 08-Mar-17 13:35:35

My child is 18 and knew him already from his work and if there's any confusion my partner's child lives with his ex and they have been separated over 7 years.the ex is remarried.

GatoradeMeBitch Wed 08-Mar-17 13:40:59

Hmm.

Even though the idea of someone imposing a curfew on another adult is ridiculous - he is still a parent and could have kept her informed instead of just buggering off.

Some people enjoy having relationships amid this kind of chaos - it means there's always something to moan about, some people like that - but it is a good environment for your dc?

Ellisandra Wed 08-Mar-17 13:42:47

OK, I'll stand down on the introduction to your child - 18 is not a child, though I see that he's still your child.

I'm thoroughly confused by your timescales though. He's been separated for 7 years so he has lived with his (and her husband!!!) for how long? All those 7 years? Surely not? And the husband is the friend he ran off with?

And in 7 years he hasn't sorted out proper access?

So if he's been in your town for 7?years how come "of course" he had to move in with you because he didn't know anyone in the town he's lived in for so long?!!

Ellisandra Wed 08-Mar-17 13:44:45

I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole!

buttercuphunny Wed 08-Mar-17 15:10:07

He moved here last summer as he lost his job due to her demands, also he did message her saying he was staying out but she still made an issue.
I agree with the comments regarding he can go down the legal route himself for little money.as far as I see it she is using there child as a weapon and because of me she lost the control of him even though they have been separated for so long.it has always been do it my way or you are not seeing the child.i explained he had a breakdown and it got so bad he ended up hospitalised for over 6 months which explains why he is not very confident and is finding it very hard to deal with. I have said I will walk away till this is all sorted but he says he needs me to help him and support him.

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