Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Dropped suddenly by a man who said he was in love with me and feeling sad(26 Posts)
I was dating a man for 4 months. We clicked straight away, he seemed really stable, reliable and made it clear he was really keen on me. The one problem was that we live quite far apart - 65 miles and about 1 1/4 hours by car (slow roads) so combined with the fact that we both have children, we could only see each other once or twice a week. I was OK with that - I looked forward to seeing him but we're both busy so I felt it was just a case of taking things as they come - not worrying about what the future may bring.
He was very open from the beginning, he told me he really liked me, talked about wanting to be long-term with me and didn't play games or do mind-f*ckery at all. He told me he loved me after 3 1/2 months. I really liked him but was more reticent. I didn't say I loved him back but I made it obvious that I was falling for him. Suddenly two weeks ago, after a lovely weekend together, he sounded distant and not so keen in a text (was behaving completely normally until this point). I pushed a bit and he said he was struggling with combining all his responsibilities along with a long-distance relationship and that it makes him sad to think we can't live near each other in the next few years so basically he doesn't want to get even more 'emotionally involved' in the relationship. I suggested we talk on the phone but he just said he was sorry but he didn't see a future when we live so far apart and can't really solve that. I have texted to tell him I'm upset that he didn't discuss it with me and that he was telling me he had really strong feelings for me one minute and then literally a few days later blanking me. I feel gutted. This isn't normal behaviour is it?
I feel like I've thrown myself at him now and come across as a desperate stalker because I've tried to engage him in a 'conversation' several times but he won't speak to me - just formal/polite responses and basically ignoring my couple of emotional texts where I've said that I'm upset that he didn't speak to me, etc. I know that most people would say just forget about him but I feel so sad to go from thinking I was in the early phase of a lovely, affectionate, close relationship to absolutely nothing. I don't know what I'm asking really - has anyone else ever had this happen to them? Is he just someone who can't face up to his emotions? He had been married for years and separated (amicably) two years ago...he's only had a couple of short flings since and said he couldn't believe he'd met someone like me (not trying to sound gorgeous here, just know he really seemed to like me and I liked him). Has this sort of thing happened to anyone else?
I don't think you were in the relationship you thought you were in. He is not acting with maturity nor respect for you. His sudden change of heart about the relationship points to many possible explanations, but you have to accept that one of them is that he has met another woman. Some people get a high from the honeymoon period and say they love someone etc rather quickly as they get carried away with the excitement of the situation. However, they can fall out of love as fast as they fall into it,. The fact that he ignores your emotional texts and refuses to speak to you is a huge red flag about his behaviour and conduct more generally. You cannot make him talk to you, and you will come to understand in time that you had a lucky escape from someone who didn't have the guts to speak to you about their feelings. Your best option is to stop trying to communicate with him, and delete his number if you cannot help yourself.
He sounds confused about his own feelings and maybe He's having a confidence crisis. This will be mega hard but give him and yourself space if it's meant to be it will be
Sending you lots of thoughts and love tho op
Scooby has nailed it 100%
I'm sorry he isn't the person you thought he was.
No genuine man who cared about your feelings would blank you like that without exploring options first on how to make the long distance work.
He's ducked out.
mermaid has this spot on. Give yourself some space & reflect on what's happened. I don't think he's ducked out, far from it. It all just seems way too intense, too soon. 4 months is no time at all & I think his head has kicked in about things. Don't think he's pushing & pulling, genuinely think, he's assessing the relationship & how it fits into his life. He's not handled his WTAF moment well however, we're all different
I drive an hour and a 1/4 to work every morning. That's not long distance. He's either met someone else or was just never that committed to you.
LDRs are difficult. I've had a few that didn't work out and a few that did and in two now. The problem sometimes lies in the fact that you are not around the corner and therefore cannot be spontaneous with each other. You know the sort of thing, "fancy the movies tonight?" "fancy a take away tonight?" With LDR's things have to be more organised.
So he may have evaluated this situation and decided that it isn't what he thought it would be.
I think the key thing is 'we can't live near each other in the next few years'. Once or twice a week long distance for the foreseeable future isn't sustainable for everyone; it's really hard when you meet someone you click with but you just can't see how your lives can merge. It would have better, kinder etc for him to have made the break face to face - but would that have made you feel any better?
OP, you need to go cold turkey on this one which is tough because it's akin to coming off heroin. The problem is his, not yours but what you're grieving for is the loss of the rosy future you thought you had.
We've all been there and it's devastating, from 10 to zero overnight but questioning it won't help. It's only with time we look back and realise it's for the best.
To be fair he has reacted exactly as per the advice on here re ending relationships. He has told you clearly that he wants to end it and why. He has been polite but doesn't want to discuss it further. He is quite entitled to change his mind and call it a day.
While you want to meet up and get more of an explanation, I can't see that that will help in any way apart from give you unrealistic hope.
(I started a recent thread about ending a relationship and everyone told me to be firm and not agree to meet up to discuss it afterwards and if necessary block him completely.)
He may have difficulty talking on the phone about strong emotional stuff, I gather it is not uncommon (in men). Give it a while and maybe GENTLE overtures (a non too sentimental or funny card that says something like you are still interested) and wait for a response.
Move on OP, 4 months should be 'fairly' easy. As far as I'm concerned, and I maintain, a man will move mountains for a woman he loves. I just think in this case it was lust/infatuation, and nothing to do with you personally. It's very very easy to mistake infatuation for love.
I had a LDR some years ago, he was in the army. At first he was a 45 mins to an hourish away. Then he was posted at least 2 hours away. I managed the drive, mostly on a weekly basis (I did it more than he) because I wanted to be with him that much. The relationship lasted 3 years as he wasn't committing in any way. I told him I couldn't continue like this and he accepted it..just like that..no discussion or acknowledgment of my feelings. Devastated is an understatement, that was 8 years ago and I survived.
I found out last year that he's now married, good luck to him, he wasn't for me.
I'm so sorry. But 1,1/4 hrs is not long distance. many people commute that each day.
Had it worked out longer term, living together midway could have been an option perhaps.
Can't think of anything else to say but sorry.
Surely if its slow roads 65 miles has got to be a longer drive than 1 1/4 hours? That would be an average speed of over 50 mph, I'd be allowing 1 3/4 driving time minimum unless the majority was on motor way or dual carriageway.
So you have a 130 mile round trip to spend what might well just be a couple of hours together. He told you he loved you but you didn't respond exactly as he'd hoped. Given that you are apart so much more than you can be together he's got far too much time for any insecurities to fester and blow up out of proportion. I reckon that he's finding the whole set up to uncomfortable and doesn't want to get in any deeper.
Yes, something similar happened to me. I was really upset at the time, and very puzzled, but look back and think what a first-rate twat.
He did lead me into thinking that there was a future. Its called "future faking". When I myself wasn't actually sure about the future a couple of months in!
I had a few red flags, not being contacted enough, made me feel very anxious (unusual for me). A couple of things he said about his ex-wife: he was a cheater. A couple of things he liked in bed (ew).
I look back and think he was just a selfish, unthinking man. A bit of a hidden mysogynist too probably - though on the surface meek and mild.
For my part, I think in future to not be taken in by "future faking", not sleep together until more sure how I feel, and to listen to my insincts and gut feelings where red flags are concerned. (My therapist told me I was feeling jittery because I wasn't used to being treated well! Ha! I guess I was right all along.)
Its surprising how really distressed and bereft you can feel after a short "relationship" though ie a few months if you think its going somewhere so I understand where you are coming from OP. So am also really sorry too. Just glad I wasn't married to the jerk, think of a positive that it was a lucky escape from a selfish man who doesn't think about others' feelings.
I'd send one more text along the lines of
Ok understand. Was nice getting to know you. Good luck for the future.
That way you've completed the closure and also, to him, not pushing for any conversation about the subject.
Wouldn't bother with you understand, you're nice and good luck. If he wasn't a nice guy, no need to compliment him. Just stop contacting him and ignoring him would be best IMO.
I don't believe the distance is the issue, it's really not that far if you are in love with someone. My partner and I started out in a LDR of that exact distance - 1.19hr drive each way. Not far off my now commute.
I think he has met someone else or something else has triggered it, and he is trying to spare your feelings/avoid confrontation.
I think you have to accept that it's over.
My DH and I lived 2 hours away- could be longer when traffic was bad- and saw each other weekends only for 3 years before we married. It wasn't ideal and with hindsight I wished I'd not moved to his area as I gave up my job and friends. But the point is, the distance wasn't an issue when we were dating.
Have been on the receiving end of this but after 8 weeks. 4 months would be awful!!
At what point if ever can you relax!!?
I agree with others, send a very breezey text.
'I have had time to think and you're right, it is not worth continuing'.
Or something that doesnt flatter his ego.
I don't think that distance is about the driving or the being able to be together at weekends, it's about the fact that that distance is something which prevents the relationship moving forward for the foreseeable future. So at some point the conversation would need to be had about where the relationship is going, and one or the other would have to be the one to say that for the foreseeable future this is as far as it can go because moving is potentially not possible.
If someone posted here that they were in a relationship where they live 1.5 hours apart, that both have children and that for the foreseeable they can't see how they could ever make a future together people would be telling them to cut their losses now rather than a couple of years down the line when people are going to be more hurt.
And I can see how a weekend together might have made him stop and think when he got home that occasional weekends together is all they're going to have for the foreseeable future and that that isn't what he wants from a relationship.
I am currently in a LDR. We're three hours apart and neither of us is in a position to move at the moment because I have a DS and I stayed here to be close to his dad, and he has been in the same niche job for about 21 years, and as we are both VI, changing jobs really isn't that simple. When we got together we both knew clearly that if we were going to have a future together he would have to be the one who moved in the short term. We talked about it, but in reality we never really thought that it would be quite that difficult. Now we're almost four years on and no closer to being able to live together. And with DS having recently decided that when he leaves school he wants to go to a uni which is relatively nearby my options for moving when he leaves school have suddenly changed as well.
Had I known then what I know now I might well not have started seeing DP. But I actually won't walk away now but I realise that I am having to re-adjust my expectations as to what I thought the future was going to be, and accept that weekends together might all we realistically ever have. If someone had told me that four months in I might well have thought it best to walk away then to spare any hurt in the future.
Wanna I hear all you say to the OP and it's sensible, to a point, but I couldn't help wince at the fact that you would allow your DS when he is 18 and an adult to influence where you live and restrict your relationship. If he is going to uni, he could live in surely? I know that costs more and he'd end up with a student debt, but is your own happiness not important?
I also know / know of a few couples who are in committed long term relationships ( 20+ years type of thing) but live in separate houses some with 100s of miles between them, others just a few miles.
There isn't any one size fits all these days.
I think the posters saying 'I drive that far to work' are missing the point slightly. Most people are at work for around 8 hours, so it's worth a 2.5 hour round trip, but wouldn't normally drive 2.5 hours just to see someone for a couple of hours in the evening. So it is a LDR, and that's not everyone's cup of tea (especially if there is no chance of things changing in the foreseeable future).
Of course you're upset - it's horrid getting dumped by someone you like. Hope you feel better soon OP.
God no I don't expect my DS to live with me while at uni, I imagine that living out is part of the uni experience anyway. but there does seem something inherently wrong with the idea that I might sell up and move as soon as he goes there. Would have been different if he'd e.g. Gone to one of the uni's he first had in mind as these were in other parts of the country but his career aspirations have changed hence the change in uni choice.
There are other factors in the equation such as if I manage to find work here I won't be in a position to just leave that job and get another one due to finding work with VI being almost in the realms of impossible.
I certainly would never think of ending the relationship now, and I agree that different ways work for different people etc. But so soon in I don't think I would have wanted to envisage a relationship where we might always have to live apart iyswim. But those kinds of decisions can IMO only be reached fairly early on when emotions aren't too far involved.
WannaBe I just wanted to chip in about your sons Uni....when my son went to Uni a few years ago, he decided to live on Campus (for the full experience), even though my home is only 25 minutes away and a very easy commute. I thought he might some home every few weeks for the weekend, as we were (and still are) very close. I could count on one hand the number of visits he has made!! Christmas and Birthdays, yes, but just to see me....no! We still text daily, and I visit him when work allows. My point is, you really don't need to stay where you are, once your DS goes to Uni. He will be far too busy with his friends and social life to visit. He will still have his Dad nearby, and if he's coming to you for the summer, a 2 hour trip is nothing. My DD is about 2.5 hours away at Uni, and she also has parties every week, so even if she was closer, I know it would be the same situation with her.
Op, not sure what to advise you, but I think you've done all you can to make it clear to him that you don't feel the same way. Perhaps he will miss you? How long until all the DC are grown?
Join the discussion
Please login first.